[Short Poem] The Rhyme

[Desolution]

Here's a small poem I wrote, I tried to get several rhymes to work well, but never managed so I created this instead.

This poem was about a rhyme
But never managed because of time

Now this poem nude with words here stands
With it's words far gone in the depths of Disney Land.

This poem has now come to an end
But the real question is, will it blend?

[BlackChaos]

Not bad, but the answer to your question is that it doesn't blend well with the middle verse.

There is usually a comma here:

Quote:Now this poem nude with words here stand

Now this poem, nude with words, here stands

Quote:With words far gone in a demand

And I don't get this line. I know it should means, in simple words, that the amount of words demanded aren't there, but it doesn't make sense the way you put it lol.

Good work though. I like short and funny poems.

[Desolution]

(04-27-2012 05:06 AM)BlackChaos Wrote:  Not bad, but the answer to your question is that it doesn't blend well with the middle verse.

There is usually a comma here:

Quote:Now this poem nude with words here stand

Now this poem, nude with words, here stands
Thanks, I'll change it

Quote:With words far gone in a demand

And I don't get this line. I know it should means, in simple words, that the amount of words demanded aren't there, but it doesn't make sense the way you put it lol.

Good work though. I like short and funny poems.

It's because the poem demands more words. The words are far gone but the poem demands more words to complete itself, and therefore it doesn't make sense
But since the idea is so far-fetched, I'll change it.
And thanks

[Paradox]

Seems amusing, though the middle stanza seems kind of forced into the poem. I could be longer as well.