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Your own development history
08-15-2017, 10:58 AM (This post was last modified: 08-15-2017 11:02 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #1
Hello again,

I always were different. From birth I had a curious misfortune of babies falling on their head, curiously enough. This gave me a lot of trouble of repairing my own life. I never really had to be treated for anything outside of more natural remedies like going for relaxation where are done certain treatments, like going to cold cameras, massaging your body. That sort of thing, I never went further than that and everything I kept to myself, surpressing it brutaly that is outside of deviation. This made to trust magick very difficult since what you consider as a sign, as a message, I have whole set of my own pre-built system to make sure that said message is dizzled out and ignored. You know, mental attitude and conditioning, things like these.

I was born roughly at sixth grade. What I mean by that is that I became fully self-aware as a human being only at that point. Before, I could not fully comprehend past or future. I could not live in all said realities and I lived only in the present as an animal. I learned to talk only at 1 or 2 grade. My speech developed extremely late for a kid and even to that time, my fathers could barely understand what I'm saying. In fact, one of my earliest memories are from period where I knew how to talk. I knew the words, I knew everything and yet, when I tried to speak, I could not. I was so tired of being silent, I felt such frustration.

Through my life I was fixing a lot of said damage. From retracting split personalities into one. I even managed at the start of this year, strangely with that vision, to finally consume the last part. I felt like one soul, like one person. It was such a joy to be one. Even if I lost my identity in the process, I finally could be one voice inside myself.

I was quite dumb in the school too. I realized this deficiency and started working towards increasing my own intellect. At this point, I increased it roughly by 50%. I would identify myself back then to have IQ of 80-90 points. In high school I took 4 hours test, it was around 120. It only continued to grow and grow. It is getting even an issue for me. You see, it demands finer and finer literature. I read complex books written by professionals of their field and even that I see like kids exercising their reasoning capabilities. I'm being drawn towards areas which I never had an interest before like poetry. Though, the ever increasing desire and need to read and read more and more is always present. Ever niggling thought behind my mind is that I know so little. Yet, I see this is just a trap, as my intellect expands as all consuming sphere, the size of the surface plot will keep expanding at rapid pace. I overgrown my ideals within year or two. I overgrown books and all material rapidly. Now my sight is more and more inclined towards the Gods, for they hold a hope of being temporary idols to be overgrown. Thus, it is even getting annoying that I need to accumulate endless amounts of knowledge. Heck, nowadays I even cry when I encounter ideas complex enough or beautiful enough to touch me. This phenomena I noticed from reading Kant and his critique of pure reason. Ideas, reasoning, it feeds me. It energizes me.

My body does its own thing, it is not controlled by human logic. Weight jumps over day by 5 kg. without any clear reason. It is able to produce immense strength and performance growth. It seems to be able to heal its own wounds and issues on its own. My health is always perfect and I did not got sick for a decade now. At least, I should happy that stigmatas ended and my body does not self-mutilate himself anymore. Though, I detected many abnormalities within. For example, I have sacks within my body everywhere. At first I thought it to be parasites or cancerous growths. Yay, cancer! Later both theories were thrown away since I noticed symetry. Said small sacks grow equally in both sides of the body. It also have tendril, a blood vessel feeding them which I can feel by touching as they are connected to my nervous system. This is just one difference which I suspect to be different from rest of humans.

My spirit. Well, I had in very strange dream with a very direct message that everything can be my, lol. It just follows longer string of similar experiences which had started from that vision though. Thought, it seems that said spirits if they do anything at all, are completely unwilling to wait for my response. Said abilities are growing in ever increasing fashion. Now I felt such things which I would always considered as delusional. I felt how my manager was looking for me today. I felt where she was going, how she felt. Of course, I learned well in kiddengarden game of hide and seek, so she will never find me where I'm reading my book. Though, such sensations are becoming more and more invasive. It is like that their emotions, even thoughts and intentions could not be clearer anymore. I always blame myself for not listening, but said things are becoming stronger and stronger without any needed input from me. Yesterday, air vibrated far stronger than it usually does within my eye sight. It was like I was in the gas chamber. Today I saw strange figure flowing through the air above 5 meters at least. I thought it was malfunction of my eyes, but I catched a glimpse farther after initial sighting. Things like that. Said dreams. Said experiences. They come in flooding without any need of input, request or desire.

The interesting thing is that I observed certain, interesting shifts within my own character. First of which is I finally are developing my own identity and personality. Make no mistake, I'm 25 year old male and it is very strange to feel this way. Before I saw all the angles, I could feel and see how others see. I felt that there is such endless wealth of perspectives and it made difficult for me to choose. All were viable. I could see all. I still can, but I choose now. At most, quarter of my life is gone and only this year I started to develop my personality. I started to identify who is me and who is not. I started to like or dislike truly. I started to do many things which kids do in their own time.

Coming to that, there was a certain shift within my brains. It is that it went back in many regards back to childhood. In a sense that I became VERY bias towards sweets. My brains enjoy it to such degree and I need that very sweet taste within me. I even are buying kinder chocolate and it seems to taste just as tasty as in childhood. I started to eat even more sweet things as I feel the craving to. In fact, my entire taste transformed. It became far more sensitive. I started to want to taste everything to experience everything. I feel like a kid re-discovering how world tastes. In fact, I started to pay such childlike attention to the smallest of details. Touches. Smells. Sounds. It all fascinates me again. It is not that I pay attention to it always, but that my mind wanders through countless thoughts and experiences like that. It is that said experiences started to stimulate me in quite a different way.

The thing is, I always changed. I was always dynamic, but recently it went out from childish emotional meltdowns to real physical changes of perception. That is even more alarming is that my spiritual potency is increasing rapidly on its own. I could not grow back then as fast as I did by training. Now said sensations, experiences and all the rest are falling by itself.

I was always a serious man. Even my name means that. I consider all the visions, whispers and all the rest to be unworthy of my attention. All this little field at best is little, cute hobby. I consider this will all end when I will start working. I'm tired of worthless spirits and within said experiences, I often are within seconds of attacking them. Probably I was too tolerant of them and I should just charge on sight. This is what I think of said powers. I disregard, I dislike and I deeply disrespect them. I do not respect strength and potential of magick, spirits and Gods. It does not made it better that I made such entities run from me in the past. It is bizarre really. If there is external intellect, it certainly know of me. I keep experiencing pushes which I ignore completely. My "friend" tried so hard his little demons to come for me. I experience miracles directed at me. I can whine through a lot of troubles to God. Heck, I even demanded for Hecate to answer my concerns once, lol and she did, curiously enough. Yet, if anything, they keep me as far from them as possible which is quite curious compared to how they treat humans.

I'm quite old already, but nobody seems to recognize that. They always think that I'm still just little over 20. Yet, despite my age, my growth, my change seems only to accelerate. My talents only increase in scope. What I was bad at, I become good at. That I thought to be my thing, I become bad at it. There isn't such a thing as "uninteresting". The flexibility, ability to learn, desire to do so, to adapt, to improve only grows with time. Change which is happening to me only increased and even at such advance stage, I feel just like a child, rediscovering that was once denied to me. I'm experiencing, feeling, seeing changes in how my body functions, how I feel, how I think.

So, I'm interested if you have or had something similar to what I'm experiencing and when this human development exactly ends? I imagined that you stop developing roughly around 20 years. Yet, my growth instead of slowing down, increased and this trend started in school.

Sometimes I think that I should just start drinking. Pouring some acid upon your brains will certainly stop all of this bullshit and I will be, finally, normal.

Though, I forgot to tell you one thing. There is something within my soul.
I had dreamed of it being immortal. In a sense of reincarnation, but with natural reproduction in place. I dreamed of my soul being able to reproduce just as humans are. Though, instead of creating new individual, I saw that I'm unable to create new life. In a sense that my soul will put itself in a place of new child, making it a literal copy of me. I might not live through the eyes of its new host, but said soul will be split within several people, gathering experience and far, far more importantly, guiding new born through the life. Shaping them and molding them. Making them an expression of small part of itself. I always sensed this, guidance. Guidance from my own soul. From the very earliest days,
I had maturity that few humans ever are capable. Yes, I was still a kid, but I had extremely unusual understandings of complex things from intuitive level. From philosophy, war to spirituality, magick. I did not had real teenager period.
If i would make some silly thing, I would learn instantly, punish myself and adjust my own behavior. Most curiously enough, even as a small kid I managed to have such insane level of self awareness that I could identify such issues as low intellect and consistently work towards improving real said value. Not only that, I worked out A LOT of "reasoning malfunctions" or in other words "stupid moments" which people tend to make.

In said vision, I was that soul, I was that guiding voice. I was not immortal in methaporical sense through my children. I was immortal in literal sense, my old vessels gathering experience, timing out and its essence and awareness returning to new vessels. If that is true, that would explain a lot. My uncanny ability to somehow gain understanding and comprehension. My feeling of my soul, of it being there. Inhuman complexity of my personality, said shifts within me, said maturity and inherent understanding. That certainty of my own immortality and indifference to this life. Yet, I know this cannot be. Even if I literally felt a guiding presence in my childhood like it would be my soul. Always behind me 0.1 meters, like an extension of myself. Sensation had faded away,
but with time, new realizations and suspicions came along. I look and I look for answers who would explain what I feel, why I'm different, why my spiritual experiences are so bizarre.

You have no idea of how it is "fun" to cease identifying with your own family, friends, entire humanity as equals. Of hiding from them majority of yourself. Even now, these are mere things which are now in my head. Which I came up on the spot. You have no idea how it is fun to hate everyone. To see life of an outcast while being included and beloved. Fearing of punishment after death. Of being in heaven or hell. Living for eternity with fools, doing nothing or even worse, one specific task for all eternity. This world is fundamentally unfair, cruel, sadistic. I ask God, why I was born. I spit on my life, on my mere fact of existence and I'm afraid of possibility of eternal existence. Even in death I shall not know peace.
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08-15-2017, 07:50 PM (This post was last modified: 08-18-2017 11:43 AM by Wylandriah91.)
Post: #2
You know what? r/iamverysmart would shit their pants over this but I'm not going to post it there because I'm too nice.

A pebble at the source of the Nile and all the world is changed.
Precision beats power, and timing beats speed.
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08-15-2017, 07:52 PM
Post: #3
So what should we discuss about in this thread exactly?
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08-15-2017, 07:55 PM
Post: #4
Our own personal development history I suppose.

A pebble at the source of the Nile and all the world is changed.
Precision beats power, and timing beats speed.
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08-15-2017, 11:23 PM
Post: #5
U r a lucky guy,Calicifer,u v got the things many others never could have all their lives....
u r 25 and u r already much more mature than 35 intellectually ,

My life was a nightmare since i had memory, then i jumped into this that to search for answer,my retarded brain wasted my life and time, and i had other personalities issues as yours still unfixed,etc,so on ....
if u talk to more people or see more, u will know and find peace......
because u and me just like everyone, but one of the whole humanity group....
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08-18-2017, 07:16 AM (This post was last modified: 08-18-2017 07:43 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #6
It is dissappointing that there is nobody who would really share what I had experienced or do experience now. For example, I passed 4 days as it was my work shift. During said days, do you know how many things had happened to me?

1) Said kinder chocolate became as tasteless as ash. I'm shifting to even more sweet foods;
2) I had a strange dream where again, damn Satan was trying to lure me over to himself. This time it was a cult, a cabal of hooded figures standing grimly and saying nothing, just looking at me. They were wearing dark red clothes with black. When I think of them, now they seemed to be far bigger than a human, dwarfing me. I was just to the shoulders to all of them. They said nothing, they were just looking at me and I sensed that I have an open invitation to come and join them. To reap said benefits. Only for some friend to grab me by the hand and ask me to show him the way. I lead him out, dizzied only to realize that I do not know this person even if he looks so familiar and I feel him as being a friend. I lead him or rather in fact he lead me nowhere, just out of that room with said...hmmm, they did not seemed to be even men. Too huge, but they were humanoid, their clothes had hidden all the features. It is sad to have friends such as this, leading me away from such things. Smiling
3) I'm experiencing various shifts within the brains. I feel like certain areas are being "tickled", that this feeling stops and continue from time to time;
4) Random chemical releases within the brain intensified. What I mean by this is that my brain chemistry is not completely stable. Not in a way you would imagine though, in a very good kind of way. At random, during the day I will start feeling "very high". In euphoria, in ecstacy. I will feel certain area discharging chemical substance within and I will instant boost of gratification, lighteness, being little bit dizzy, but not in disorientatning way. It is like a pill: "Experience ecstacy for 1 minute, no side effects, instant and full withdrawal".
5) My mind, I felt like, trying to grasp unto something. Into some "field" which is all around me. I felt like I'm not even being contained within my skull anymore. I felt field without and within that field I was. I was trying to control it. Rather, my brain was scanning, trying to influence, to detect and to see it. I got something similar before, I feel that there is something which I'm not seeing yet. Strands of fate are glimpsed by my mind and I can see fates before me within limited framework. I can sense spirits, spiritual energy. I can sense intent, emotions within others. Yet, my brains are still paranoical that it simply "does not get it". That there is something more outside its grasp and it is searching from it. From time to time I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall, looking for the crack to punch it through and to see that is on the other side. That there is something far more which I could access to. I think that I'm talking about is "psychic energy". You see, I have my own system and understanding of said field. I do not follow any teaching or system, but rather my own. To put it simply, it is "mind over matter" and "arcane". I was always far more interested in working with said energies directly rather than through transformative tools like rituals. I do think that my brains are trying to access said energies, to make a visual connection within my mind that I could see it. That I could see magick as it is within "my eyes". With my second sight.

I do have a lot of anomalies within my vision which I do suspect you do not even see. Does air vibrate to you? Can you "see" countless smaller particles within air? Can you see air currents? That it to say that my sight in it is perfect, far from it, but this is the constant within me. I started to see world this way in school and just took it for granted as so many things before.

(08-15-2017 11:23 PM)smokevision Wrote:  U r a lucky guy,Calicifer,u v got the things many others never could have all their lives....
u r 25 and u r already much more mature than 35 intellectually ,

My life was a nightmare since i had memory, then i jumped into this that to search for answer,my retarded brain wasted my life and time, and i had other personalities issues as yours still unfixed,etc,so on ....
if u talk to more people or see more, u will know and find peace......
because u and me just like everyone, but one of the whole humanity group....

I'm in a way the most entitled and lucky bastard out there. In truth, I should not even live. I survived something which would equal to head bludgeoning with a hammer. If you cannot survive your skull being cracked when you have to "get on my level, boy". This is a random shit I had to start my life with for no damn good reason. In a way, it is something which defined me since then, constant struggle to become something you are not. Feeling "blocked" mentally gave my constant pressure to become more intelligent. I do not know how I would had ended to be without it. Maybe I would had been a genius or simply never really had motivation to look for something more in life. Sadly, this is that made me so fundamentally different and gave me said abilities. Since my brains were forced to adapt, to look for alternative paths, thus it gained bizarre way and behavior compared to other humans. From early maturity to spiritual experiences and attitudes.

I said that because I have an active organ failure (kindey) which I refuse to operate and keep hidden from everyone else. I had blurs and loss of color affect my eyesight, making me loose vision at rapid rate. All of it were healed. It just went "poof" one day in a miracle like fashion. Without really any requests or anything. Yet, I still whine excessively and I'm still little bitch about everything. I still feel entitled and choose to ignore and to wave away that is given to me. I bet I must be annoying to whoever is watching over me. Smiling

Though, today in work I had one incident. I was at administrator signing papers for quitting my job. She said, "don't you need go to school?". I was like: "Shit, do people really think that I'm THAT young?". People always say that to me, but to this level? I can literally bone teenager girls with my looks! This is that strikes me, why I retain said youth so well. Why people all around me take me "for a boy" due to my age? They would give me from school to freshman in university maturity while in truth I'm finishing my master studies, I was delaying 1 year due to things I said previously AND I'm about to start my studies in becoming a doctor. Yet, people all around me take me for a boy when in truth, I'm far more older and I should command their respect. Well, respect in a sense of being a man, rather than a "boy".

As for other people, you can see how they respond to me. They at least had decency not to flame, troll and insult me anymore. Though occult communities are often rotten to the core and people there are quick to attack others for no adequate reason. Furthermore, I'm sharing my own history and I'm asking others if they had experienced anything similar. Since nobody responded, it is obvious to me that I'm highly unique in my struggle.

As for you, it is very long and difficult struggle. Overcoming, fighting yourself is the essence of becoming the master, at least to yourself. Without self control there is nothing, your soul is feeble and you are a slave. I identified myself as being a problem and I swallowed my pride and tried to become a better "child" at that point. I tried to study harder. I went to weekend school on mathematics and informatics whole day. Do you know how hard and time consuming it was? I'm absolutely shocked how many hours I poured just into being there, little to say to all homework I had done. I always tried to adapt, to be like everyone else. I tried to control my personalities, to "swallow them into myself" and at the start of this year, I finally managed to do that. I finally destroyed my polar opposite personality and I became on. Fight and struggle is long and difficult, but you will become far better magickian and a man if you will ever manage to defeat yourself as I did and still have to do in so many other respects.

Btw: Still adding text. Nowadays I can hear my brains far more clearly. That is, going for the nap I can reach state where I'm neither awake or sleeping. There I can hear the voices, see events, scenarios playing in my mind. They are rather post processes of my brain, mixing all the knowledge within itself. I can see it, hear it, but it is damn difficult to remember them. Nowadays this became quite strong compared to how it was in the past.
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08-18-2017, 09:38 AM (This post was last modified: 08-18-2017 10:00 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #7
Said powers and psychic sensitivity seems to be growing at phenomenal rate. Not only I can sense when people are looking for in in my job, when they are frustrated and when they become satisfied. But also I started to sense things such as: "with which girls I will have fun", making me to make a complete random calls on friends list and at very least, making initial assumptions correctly and making a bond and agreeing on trips together which you sensed the other side will go with you. It also started to fill out to such things as sensitivity to what to expect. I sensed that I will get lucky with random draw in a card game in a very specific way and I did.

Said moments do happen for everyone, but they rapidly increase in frequency and intensity for me. It is like my psychic potential is being unlocked. This is why I did created this thread. I sense huge changes within me and I wonder if you ever felt the same. I feel like my mind is altering, shifting itself, its worldview, its functioning. How it is directing greater and greater resources towards unspecified purposes which manifest itself in ever greater psychic phenomena all around me.

SIGH, if only this would not had happened when Satan decided to make as powerful as human can hope to become in said area. It is funny, those coincidences, isn't. Though, I will take all the credit for it, naturally for I did not asked nor accepted such gifts if said change is externally induced.

Though, the difficulty with said powers are that I still cannot control said powers at will. They manifest itself when they will like, nowadays, if being generous every day or so. I get strong sensations of things to be, things which are outside of me. Yet, it is very easy to confuse it with wishful thinking and delusions. You have to be VERY gentle with said information for it is way too sensitive for consciousness to handle. Any conscious interaction with said interaction tend to introduce huge amount of errors and make said phenomena useless.

Btw: I also observed increased body temperature or in other words, I can tolerate cold far better nowadays and often feel being just above normal temperature myself. Also, feeling of weight of my mind increased. Suffocation still sometimes do happen. I start lacking oxygen and I feel like strangled in plain conditions. It is due to the feeling of my brains having to consume so much oxygen that natural supply is simply not adequate anymore. Thus, I try to breathe and breathe, but oxygen saturation within air is insufficient and I experience deficiency of said substance resulting in delightful feeling of slowly dying of suffocation. Luckily, said sensations are rather short and at most, within half an hour my body stabilizes. Though, I do wonder if my heavy emphasis on exercise do elevate all of the symptoms who I would experience otherwise since due to long distance running and body building, my body is very healthy and capable of supplying oxygen very efficiently through the body and thus mind itself.
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08-18-2017, 11:33 AM
Post: #8
How is your kidney now? do u know how important it is for a human?
what is your sun sign ,maybe its make u have a lot different scenes and u can see a lot in mind eye, what is the feeling when lucifer visited you, if u dont like, u can try to do lucid dreams to change this.
your inner struggle must get progress, otherwise it will ruin a such talented brain like yours.
what is your master program for? your PhD is in medical?
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08-18-2017, 11:51 AM
Post: #9
Calicifer do you not think your kidney issue might be affecting oxygen distribution?
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08-18-2017, 12:49 PM
Post: #10
(08-18-2017 11:51 AM)Wylandriah91 Wrote:  Calicifer do you not think your kidney issue might be affecting oxygen distribution?
yes, it affects, also it affects the brain....
kidney gives/determines the priminal life force/prana or chi.
do u take some natural things for it?walnuts is good, but dont take too much, it will cause other issues, one or two daily ,depends on how tall and weight u r ,
also, u grow weight so fast due to the kidney issue, too.
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