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Your own development history
08-19-2017, 12:24 AM (This post was last modified: 08-19-2017 01:09 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #11
I want to know how said kidneys affect oxygen supply. Kidneys merely filter blood and regulate its contents. It has no correlation with oxygen as far as I know. As for my weight, it creeps in. Body seems to be determined in keeping me at certain body weight. I'm not overweight even if standard BMI might say so. I'm bulky instead. That means, a lot of my weight is distributed in muscles and thicker bones which are due to how much I exercised in my youth and still do nowadays. For example, my leg muscles are immense same as back's. Lower leg have inhuman amount of said muscles. My mother noticed that and said that it is abnormal. I do admit that it is since human clothes are not designed for that amount of muscle and pants generally are tightly enveloping said muscle instead of being loose there as it should be normal. It might be that I enjoy walking and running and during my workday, it is not unusual to walk 30 km. alone. Though, that still does not explain why my body prefers the excess body mass to rather capping its capabilities in relation to tiredness and exhaustion.

I made certain tests in university as part of my lab works on myself and I had discovered an amazing thing. My lungs are twice of capacity compared that of a small female of similar age. Of course, this is due to heavy consumption of oxygen during my marathons which I'm fond of, but the fact remains that my heart and my lungs do draw immense quantities of said oxygen. Despite of that, I sometimes simply feel, often when I run, that concentration of oxygen is simply not enough to feed my vast requirements within.

This is factually true since it is a scientific fact. Body cannot supply muscles with oxygen and thus it results in some kind of different energy production within. It is called "oxygen debt", at least in my native tongue. This is why you get winded and need so much oxygen long after exhausting exercise is over and your body simply doesn't drop need to breathe so heavily the moment you stop the exercise.

Yet, it does not explain why I'm as such. For example, during military exercise for civilians, you know, enter and do some silly things for few minutes. My body went into hyper competitive stage, because of course it does. It is my glorious krieg, lol. Even for pintball fights against my friends, I somehow manage for half an hour never to get hit, DESPITE loosing like several matches. I run out of ammo and retreat back. I even tried to interogate my friend once. Sigh, me in my competitive stage. Last round I and only my "friend" had any ammuntion remaining. So, I started scavenging ammunition around the field. Putting dirty rounds into the gun. I also taunted my friend and made him to expend all the ammunition of my middle finger. That a morron! I sensed that he was out of ammo and I wanted to take him down in melee, at close range, because I was too low on ammo, but I did not wanted to risk needless loss. So, I just ducked out of cover to take an aimed shot and hit him with my first attempt.

So, during said military exercise, I sensed that limits of my body were lifted. I did not felt any exhaustion or feeling of struggle. Yet, in the final task I had to stop. Even before that I was struggling with air intake and it was just two minutes in. I was to put on gass mask and peel off potato. I wanted to refuse, to take it off later, but I did not wanted to cause so much fuss about it at the very end. The moment I was put that mask, I felt like I was going to faint. I focused merely on surviving. Of keeping my consciousness up and my task was of secondary importance. I done it eventually, but that peeling of the potato was one where I felt like dying. Like suffocating.

This is why my military would be of completely different caliber than human one. Infantry would drop all its non-necessary weight. No backpacks, only ammo, weapon and armor. I see as a complete and utter disgrace that humans still did not implemented full body armor. My protection system would be light years ahead, my soldiers would be capable of surviving point blank grenade explosions, direct hits from Nato automatic fire while returning fire of whole caliber higher firepower, probably something around 7-8 mm. with capacity to equip special armor piercing ammunition for soft skinned, modern combat vehicles like M113 or Strikers. My soldiers would simply slaughter human forces. Well, on paper due to immense edge in capabilities. Though, full body armor is necessary for me, because I need full NBC protection due to my paranoia and desire to exterminate humanity with full out biological and nuclear weapons. You are weak, we would survive that and prosper alone in aftermath while you would perish. Second, more practical reason is that I lack enough oxygen to fuel my performance. I need for cold, oxygen enriched air to be delivered right to my face. To cool my face which is extreme pleasure to have and also to be allowed to perform without constrictions. How human soldiers fight and die is a disgrace to soldiery. I never understood humans and I do think that you simply do not want to live. You want to die in war in order to have an excuse to escape into death. You are highly illogical species in other words.

Come to think off, I feel same thing during body building too. Though, I'm one of the few if any who have the will to exercise as a man, properly. I cannot say that is is deficiency. I ended up my marathon career by starting daily 11 km runs. Without rest, running all time. During that, I really do not feel same thing. I rather get bored, not even sweating anymore. I endure "cold sweat" and general tiredness after the breaking point. But that is nothing that said marathon runners, people who test themselves endure. They brake once and then just cruise to self-pride without really deserving or understanding that that they done is nothing special.

(08-18-2017 11:33 AM)smokevision Wrote:  How is your kidney now? do u know how important it is for a human?
what is your sun sign ,maybe its make u have a lot different scenes and u can see a lot in mind eye, what is the feeling when lucifer visited you, if u dont like, u can try to do lucid dreams to change this.
your inner struggle must get progress, otherwise it will ruin a such talented brain like yours.
what is your master program for? your PhD is in medical?

Sun is rising. I do not know. It might be somewhere being dead to complete opposite. Without doctor input I cannot say anything outside of my observations about myself. All I know that it started to hurt, I of course knowing that I will not let it to be butchered out of me, I started to try to heal through spiritual means said issue. Unfortunately, soon after I started to receive dreams and it culminated in seeing angels performing said treatment on me. It pissed me off since I did not really asked for it and I wanted to tear them assunder for daring to summon me. Clever bitches, one was dedicated in trying to hold me down, channeling his force into summoning circle while other was trying to put a spell on me, to let me fall asleep.

In the morning I felt liquid in that area. Pain was gone. In upcoming week I felt my balls were swollen up, changing. It seems that they did changed in size to be more equal to each other. Oh, if balls do represent size of your balls. Since I had 1.5:0.5 ratio and I seem to function on 1 organ rather than two, naturally that reflected in the size of other parts. Though I felt like it was growing and most direct relationship which I can observe seems also to had grown a bit. I stopped feeling constant pain in that area and from that point, I had no real issues with it. My health is as perfect as always.

As for medical assistance, I do not want to be bothered by them. Those butchers will most likely ask to remove it as they wanted decade ago and as I was strongly against it then, now I'm fanatical against it today. I would rather die than to let myself to be butchered again. It is pointless time waste, if they cannot provide non-invasive treatments which they are unlike to. Even a syringe for me feels like a rape. So, you do realize in that of the dead end I'm. I'm bound to go there, but it is a torture for me to undergo even most mundane procedures.

I finished masters degree in informational security. Well, I say "finished". It was just first year, but here it is two years. Half of year you are free to write your finishing thesis and for next half year I'm going for erasmus and I took a lot of easy modules. Well, easy for me. I took all courses from that university in programming, from bachelors and masters levels. I'm going with the mind to party, but I doubt that I have stomach for that. It will be ironic if I will end studying the hardest yet there. Here you can take specialization in masters. I took specialization in applied mathematics. Big data analysis. As for my bachelors. I took biomedical engineering course. I have various additional activities which I can use as something in my life, as several years of professional debating and several works on philosophy and long standing participation in said conferences as a speaker. As for pHD. I'm thinking about it. I would study it if I would find something of importance. While my degrees are lacking, at such level it is 9 and up or go home, I know that i can charm committee which would evaluate me. The issue is that I do not know what I'm interested in. I mean, really interested in. If I would find an area where I could unleash my mind, my brilliance like the rest of you do within your own fields, I know that I will be able to easily get funded pHD studies. I have many friends in there and I know that a man of my caliber, it is rather a matter of desire and constructive, long term work towards said goal. That I mean, you have to publish papers and works in that area. That is easy as long as you love that you are doing. I on the other hand are classical gemini. That means, I cannot hold my attention for long in any area nor I really specialize in anything.

Lucifer visited me not in any altered mind state. I do not dream up said things nor I have to enter meditation. Cernunnos, Lucifer, Satan. They all had visited me while I was fully awake. It is fun to wake up in the middle of the night and to realize "Oh shit, Satan is in the room". It makes me wonder why I had freaked out like that. It is not like I had any such incidents before. I usually are very dismissive of my feelings and yet, here I'm. I felt extreme spiritual presence in my room which I instantly, even before I opened my eyes, I knew inherently that I'm under direct gaze of said entity. Satan is someone which I did not had to do anything to come. Cernunnos is someone about whom I had just to read about in internet and he came to me on its own. I called upon only on Lucifer and he stayed for whole half of first day with me. I feel like I blaze like a beacon to them in their eyes. Yet, there is someone or something which prevents and inhibits them heavily in making any extensive contact with me. It seems that they can hear my every thought, my whining, everything. Since I really do not need to meditate, to pray for long before extreme manifestations of said forces happen as mentioned before. All it took for me is to start preparing myself for a ritual and I made mistake to mention few names. Though, I do start think that it was irrelevant for they could sense me regardless.

As for today, again, pressure upon my forehead. Within brains. Lightheadiness and general dizziness. It is not that it makes me feel ill. It is rather "high" than anything else. It also does not affect my performance outside of how I feel about said task. Said things started to happen in highly increased fashion lately. It is like I cannot pass a day anymore without feeling something which I did not before.

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08-19-2017, 04:54 AM
Post: #12
Calicifer I'm not going to lie to you, I don't have the time nor the inclination to read all of that but if your blood isn't clean it can't transport oxygen efficiently.
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08-19-2017, 04:58 AM (This post was last modified: 08-19-2017 05:04 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #13
The thing is, it is clean. Routine medical check ups which are mandatory here when entering new employment and later, every few years or so, always bring up results which are perfect. They indicate that every vital within my blood is normal. This is that I get from my doctors every time. Thus, either second kidney is stabilizing contents of my blood and thus first one is completely irrelevant or both are still working and even improved in their condition as my experiences would indicate.

Even if said kidney hurted in the past, I still can negate all negative effects. I can be stronger, more energetic and feel healthier than anyone else. My muscle mass grow abnormally fast. My endurance is higher than it is common. My immune system simply does not allow me to get sick. My outer appearance are usually remarked as being far younger than my age would indicate.

Whatever if it was a miracle or not. One thing remains clear. I used magick to cure myself out of medical condition which doctors wanted me to operate before. They recommended cutting that kidney out. I said no and parents agreed to cut it out when it becomes a trouble again. Well it became problem again. I used my spiritual capabilities to see that it can be done. Pain dissappeared with all its negative conditions. As far as I'm concerned, I'm content with status quo and it will take a lot before I will turn myself in for it to doctors.
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08-19-2017, 05:33 AM
Post: #14
Well then I guess you're just going to have to help yourself mman, I don't know what else to tell you
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08-19-2017, 06:32 AM
Post: #15
Well, this is that I'm interested in. It seems that nobody has similar experiences to my own and instead chooses to focus on little things which is general trend which I had observed. I feel that I'm changing at ever increasing phase. Even before, my being was highly dynamic. I never stopped changing, speed of said change only increased through the age. Sometimes it went for the worse, but generally it goes for the better. At this stage, my mind has the mind of its own, ironically. I feel how it is changing, adapting, looking for something. Every day I experience something different, some different state of mind. I feel how certain areas of my brains are being "tickled" or experience heavy workloads represented by pressure for example, in forehead.
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08-19-2017, 06:42 AM
Post: #16
I'd go with it if I were you. Gods know, someone is going to have to develop comic book superpowers at some point, it might as well be you Happy
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08-19-2017, 07:49 AM
Post: #17
Whatever the cause might be, I would be the bitchest, most annoying and ungrateful bastard to whom they could do that. Even if that curiously enough, started exactly when Satan started whispering me in my dreams about said spiritual power and how it could be my, I still do not know it he has any causation of that is happening to me and if this thing will get me anywhere to begin with. I'm skeptic by nature. Furthermore, he should be careful. I really do not appreciate magick affecting me and I won't appreciate anything given this way.

I do not sense it being anything, but my own continuation of that I was going through. It is me, inherent changes. Maybe it is just now they had noticed and started to act on what they recognized as immense psionic potential, but that would be flattering myself. I never found myself too talented when it comes to magick since the inherent quality within me seeks to control, to keep its presence of mind through all altered states. You know, that continuation of *you*, being as conscious and aware as you are now. This in simpler words, does not allow me to relax and to "forget". I utterly despise of how little of you is being transfered into aether.

It is getting worse now. Strong dejavu, it is more something which I sensed long ago, seen long ago. I cannot recall it, but I sense that some information is trying to come to me. Something yet to be, something which yet to being acted by me. Not all of that is being done in this realm, I have memories coming from me in the other. Yet, I feel something, something trying to be known, yet I cannot to focus on said memory within my brains, for it to properly be absorbed and given to me to process and evaluate. It is one of these things which I know that I know, but I cannot have it until that moment is right on top of me and memories come flooding back when it is way too late to use them.

I do not know about myself. Every day in a way is torture. I think and think about my future. Of how common life is not for me. Of how my soul seeks for so much more. Maybe I will be destined for something more in this world. I had said to Lucifer: "let me to realize myself, allow me to burn with that fire of brilliance and power. Allow me to be free and to do what I'm best at and I will care not for what I have to do or where to go". I always thought thoughts far grander than anyone else. I always loved analyzing complex events, offering solutions and changes. One of my favorite areas is war, military equipment and design. War making is something which ignites my mind into constant state of processing.
The sheer amount of information, of scenarios, I'm like demon, never ending mental effort in trying to outthink and outdesign my opponent. I reached the point when even most experienced human specialist in this area are nothing,
but children to me and I would nothing more than to design every bit of our war machine, to put society into servitude of its martial branches. To remake EE,
European Empire. To finally cast off USA, to gain independence and force European puppet nations either by force or by their own will to join us. But that is just a dream.
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08-19-2017, 08:02 AM
Post: #18
Well if that's you're calling, embrace it. Use your energy to involve yourself in groups and conversations where you can make a difference.
Do you feel like you will ever answer Lucifer? From my perspective it sounds like you're on a path to something Lucifer doesn't want yoh to be part of, instead trying to redirect you to his cause instead.
Personally I don't know much about Lucifer besides some snippets from various traditions but if it were me I would not be tolerating being bugged like that. It sounds to me as though you find the notion romantic, however, I just want to advise you to be wise in any decisions you make at this time.
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08-19-2017, 08:44 AM
Post: #19
The thing is, where I belong, I cannot go. It is simple as that. We do not have such positions to begin with nor it is possible for man of my starting position to get there. Nor I can say where that destination would be to begin with. Thus, I can only hope for fate, for currents of the ocean to bring me to the chore. Hope against the hope that I will not end up my days as some middle level manager or professional at some company. Even if job is envious, like an engineer at google, that is still a job. I'm still a cog. My potential, my dreams, my desires, they all were dashed away and I will never be able to feel like I'm being where I should be.

Answer Lucifer? What do you mean by that? Lucifer is already my God to whom I address. I finally moved away completely from the past, it is dead to me. He is the Emperor of mankind, though, few are enlightened as me, they should be made aware of...change in leadership. Satan for me bears no relation to Lucifer nor it should do to anyone. I fail to see from where it is even coming from. There is absolutely nothing for this theory, nor any of experiences really define Lucifer as such. Lucifer is very similar to Jesus in fact, though, with massive deeper differences. On the other hand, is it a big deal from worshiping Jesus as the morning as worshiping Lucifer as dawn? You won't even notice the difference when said theology will be changed a little bit, you know, to finally adapt Christian church to modern age.

How I can ever make some choices to begin with? I'm simply not interested in Satan. He has nothing that I want nor I have any desire to follow him.
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08-19-2017, 08:49 AM
Post: #20
Ok well this just isn't my area of expertise man so I'll leave you to it.
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