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Your own development history
08-26-2017, 09:47 AM
Post: #31
My brain continues to put a heavy burden upon my body. I sometimes feel even exhausted and I start to perceive world a little differently now. For example, as I was laying on the floor, I saw molecules or rather small vortexes of air raising from my leg, probably due to higher heat of said leg.

My brain becomes more and more inductive of material. When I close my eyes, I see pictures, scenarios playing out. Heavily influenced by what I had recently done. For example, I played a game on my phone and went for little nap at my job. As I closed my eyes and went into half sleep state, I could see small scenarios playing out in my mind on their own. Countless little stories are being generated on their own without no input of my.

I'm enduring ever accelerating change in personality. Complete even. I will see where it goes, but I sense that I will change a lot in rest of a year. It is difficult to understand how my changing perception of world will affect me if at all. Though, I do experience pressure, tickling sensation once or few times per day. Ideas, ideals, desires and pushes are increasing.
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08-30-2017, 12:08 AM
Post: #32
Last night I was looking to the stars and my eyes started to see that shouldn't be there on consistent basis. It is like blurred stars light up in the sky among normal stars. At time, I could even swear that I saw said stars enveloped in star matter.

It is funny, nowadays something unusual like that with my own body happens on constant basis. Something new, yet hardly ever experienced. My old strength is back, my body during one week total, recovered all the muscle mass back with ease and demands far greater levels of strength to be manifested within. It is interesting,
with age, rate of change accelerates rather than decreases which with humans should be a complete opposite.
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09-02-2017, 06:14 AM
Post: #33
TRUTH IT BE!!! Duckers Approved and tested!

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09-02-2017, 10:43 PM
Post: #34
Calicifer Wrote:
(Yesterday 01:28 PM)smokevision Wrote:
(Yesterday 01:04 PM)Homicide Wrote:
definetly dont rape your own daughters to breed.

stop being scared of your own shadows
I had a friend during in my therapy treatment, she was raped by her dad since she was 7, she ran when she were 18...after the therapy she sometimes ok sometimes worse , she ended up being with a married man her father's age living under same roof with the man' wife.
actually nobody no therapy could really help her or fix her.....

Love can fix all. It is sad to see people who are in need and you being unable to help them. Like in this case, it is typical scenario to its core. Low self-esteem, chattered self-image, no idea of how proper man looks. I know the care and the love necessary to rebuild this individual, though, one should have authority first to save her from herself during long years of slow healing.
Calicifer,i move this sub-topic about building self -esteem, self image, and a proper male-image here,
i suffer the issue too,
this makes it harder when getting elder and hitting serious life sessions.
do u mind to explore this a bit more? or shall we move this topic to pm, up to you.....thanks
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09-03-2017, 07:46 AM (This post was last modified: 09-03-2017 07:53 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #35
I have people and topics waiting for my attention and I quite don't get it what exactly you want to talk about. Just make a question, your own position and send it to: [email protected] I will answer when I will be able to. Smiling

Though, I do not really know anything about being man. I had changed myself, built around something which I received when I was possessed by Cernunnos. I do not know whatever it was given for I asked no permission, I just took it from him the essence of bestial, primal essence and replicated, ignited within me. My own "ascension", a lot of really basic, simple stuff have really obscure, indirect and bizzare ways. Sometimes, I feel that I cannot do anything right anymore and even the most simple things for you, for me becomes months long escoteric, magickal journeys.
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09-03-2017, 10:50 PM
Post: #36
do u still have two jobs?
one night one for day?
u r too stressful....
why punish yourself like this?
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09-04-2017, 12:41 AM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2017 12:44 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #37
Why did you assumed that I have two jobs? I had one, where I spent 12 hours, then 2 hours for walking there and back. After that I was replying to responses for few hours, going to sleep at 1 to 2 am. and waking up at 8 am, leaving for work at 9 am.

Nah, jobs are not stressful at all. I just zone out from human world and are in my own world of ideas and thoughts. It is quite funny sometimes, manager is giving me trouble and I just say "Yes", "Can do" and similar shit while paying just half attention to her and still thinking of my own stuff. Humans actually feel that you do not give any shit and they do not generate any stress to you. She gave me phone to track me and forbid to go anywhere, so I just walked like a zombie across the mall, pretending to work with my own thoughts consumed in me. She quickly forgot about this whole thing for some reason and I had continued my do nothing attitude. Happy

Though, I'm smart enough, because I'm a white male, to realize when I need to work and when I need to be lazy. Thus I do all the work assigned to me and I show up when manager would love to see me working and helping her. A little bit annoying is then I need to do some work to keep my bosses happy, but hey, what I can do. At least I'm not burdened with stupid which was plaguing me for few weeks. Some girl attached to me like leech, damn she is stupid. Why God? Send me the plague, but not the stupid! The only real trouble in which I got myself into was exactly and completely because of her and her "help". Of course, I was guilty of everything when I wasn't even doing that job, just helping her out a bit.
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09-04-2017, 02:00 AM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2017 02:09 AM by ZackDuckers.)
Post: #38
Walking Records

You did say 30km didnt you?

Might want to start competing esp since i doubt youre in running shorts and tank tops. Though i dont know if much $$$ in it.
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09-04-2017, 06:01 AM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2017 06:22 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #39
Wow, it seems that 35 km per day is quite a big deal (35 my record, 30 km is usual). When you are on your legs your entire day you simply do not notice it anymore. During first week and little bit of second week of my work, I could not move due to unbearable pain in my foot. A thought did not even emerged to me that I might be doing something unusual here. Manager even remarked one time that I move way too much, lol. A curious critique indeed. And yes, I was in my jeans, casual clothes. I just walk entire day. I walk up one hour to one direction and I walk all the time when I work. I love such physical work since they doubles as exercise too and I simply cannot function as a human being without constant exercise. Even such simple thing as making 10.000 steps per day helps a lot. This is why I prefer not to use car or a bus up to 40 min distances and up to 1.5 hour if I'm in mood for a walk.

Though, it is typical with me. Challenge creeps in to me as I push myself constantly to do just a little more. I ended up doing 11 km jogging (non-stop, difficult terrain) per daily basis and wondered why I'm so weak. Why my legs hurt so bad, why all said contractions and why I need to take supplements.

During my school years, during summer I went through heavy body building program and then I ran to the next town daily. It was 7 km total I think. For me, said distances seem so small, pathetic really. Voice deep inside me compares me to VDV, Spetnaz and says, they are all weak. Is this the best you will do during war time? You are not even burdened by your battle gear. What a weakling you are! Thus, I try to push and push myself until one day I realize just how far I had gone and just how few people can compare to me and what I do casually for my own pleasure.

Though, I never understood humans. I mean, military. Yes, I understand why it is important to push men hard once. But this is the issue, you push men to their breaking point once and you stop. After training, they are not really challenged anymore while I are all about daily challenges. I'm little about peak performance, those sprints, giant shows of your capabilities. I'm far more about daily grind. For example, you do one giant march to show how manly you are. I would look at it and say. Alright, you are carrying too much combat gear on your back. Thus your soldier are developing bone deformaties. Your soldiers are so silly. Also, you left your bodies completely exhausted and you did not provided your troops with adequate sleep. You pushed yourself too hard and thus went into body's reserves too deep. Your soldiers are now children and would crumble if more pressure would be put upon them.

This is what I often think then I see soldiers like USA marines. They are really dumb, USA military is really dumb. For me, it is all about balance and personal capabilities to endure not daily challenges, but weekly, up to the month worth pressure. Maybe people in the USA military did not knew that, but reaching your enemy is just a first part of defeating them. You then have to defeat them and one day, air won't be as friendly as it was in the past. You won't be able to call up birds to do all the dirty work for you and then, we will see how your exhausted troops will perform against fresh, well fed and relaxed soldiers whom are equipped with superior equipment, firepower, power armor and machinery since, not unlike Nato, I put premium on my troops individual capabilities and my own armies firepower from the infantry level rather than firepower of a division. I look into soldiery and see it is as an elite career option. My armies would differ very little from special forces like Seals or at very least, paratroopers like VDV or special forces like marines. That would be their lowest point, but all of them would be trained to the highest standards possible. This is why even getting to serve as a professional soldier would be a mark of honor and the proof that you are the best that our nation can provide. They all would be spec ops and they would be designed to fight as it Highly individual command structure, designed around self sufficiency and own initiative, aimed at destruction of enemy forces rather than completion of mission objectives. It is support personal that are ought to be ones who you consider as common soldier. They are here to serve the men who are doing all the hard fighting and their skills would only pressed into service when mission would be far more important than logistical support of fighting men.
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09-04-2017, 10:34 AM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2017 10:34 AM by smokevision.)
Post: #40
Calicifer, u r probably from Sirus then.....Smiling
back to the girl ,u said u could be her guardian demon/angel.
question for u:
1.r u doing it from your own compassionate heart or from super ego? u believe there is really pure friendship between a male and a female?
3.u say u don't trust spirits, then u say u r inspired by Lucifer to save this girl?
and do u realize u r an active member on a forum about spirits etc, which means actually u r on this same path?
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