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occult humor thread
09-01-2017, 09:30 PM
Post: #21
I'd buy those condoms just for the savings, buy one get 3 free, pshh I'm all over that deal

In order to Hear, we must Listen; In order to See, we must Look; and in order to Understand we must Want To.
Nature is the teacher of art..
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09-06-2017, 10:30 PM (This post was last modified: 09-06-2017 10:34 PM by Scottish_Pride.)
Post: #22
A woman goes to an occult convention and brings back a one-night stand to her hotel. The man was an online spiritual homeopath named Sunbeam Moonchild. When they get in the bed naked, the woman turns to him and says, "Please, go easy on me. I'm still a virgin."

The man says to the woman, "I had no idea! I'd have figured a girl as pretty as you would've surely popped the cherry by now. Are you sure you'd want to lose your virginity to me?"

"I'm sure. To be honest, I've been going to these conventions and bringing men back to have sex with them for years, but they never did manage to do the deed with me."

"Why is that?"

"Well you see, the first one was a Golden Dawn member. He only brought bags and bags full of all these weird costumes and props, insisting that they would set the mood and impress me. The second one was a Wiccan Priest. He suggested a threesome, for things come around in threes. The third guy was a Chaos Mage, who scared me away at, 'No, seriously, I know how to fix this!' and, 'Now it's time for the triple invocation of Loki, Coyote, and Baphomet.'. The fourth was a Norse Pagan who tried to blame Loki for his 'hammer' not working properly. The fifth was a Satanist, insisting protection was unnecessary because the Christians biased me against pregnancy and STDs, so society's got it all wrong about them. The Thelemite just tried to use his version of the rede as an excuse to do whatever he wilt to me. There was a Lovecraftian man who was WAY too into tentacles. The closeted practitioner just looked down at the floor and muttered 'broom, what broom?' sheepishly. This one male Dianic weirdo just ranted about how men were all sexist and I must merge with my inner feminine and the Goddess Within. I tried doing a shaman but he insisted we smoke some shit first. The Hermetic dude had these flabby manboobs and took off his pants with the explanation of 'as above, so below'. One time I was desperate enough to settle with breaking the age of consent and just grabbing a random teen witch, but he just looted my entire spice cabinet (for convenience sake, let's say this lady rips out her spice cabinet and takes it with her to hotels. She's weird.), plus all the complimentary tea bags, coffee grounds, salt packets, soaps and sugar from the hotel along with my Rice Krispies, then started stuffing weird shit in tupperwares straight into the fridge!"

"Wow, that DOES sound awful." The woman's lover said when she finished the rant with a pant. "So why do you have any confidence in me?"

"Because you greeted me saying you were an online spiritual homeopath named Sunbeam Moonchild. This time, I just KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Made that one up just now but it took forever to write.

There is one real moral in this world when you think about it, and it's called "Don't Be A Dick".
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09-06-2017, 10:48 PM
Post: #23
Bahhahaha; that was such a long build up but worth the read

In order to Hear, we must Listen; In order to See, we must Look; and in order to Understand we must Want To.
Nature is the teacher of art..
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09-06-2017, 11:19 PM
Post: #24
that was good Scottish_Pride Smiling
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09-07-2017, 02:53 AM
Post: #25
Noice. Seven thumbs up.

A pebble at the source of the Nile and all the world is changed.
Precision beats power, and timing beats speed.
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09-07-2017, 08:07 AM
Post: #26
Aww thanks guys

There is one real moral in this world when you think about it, and it's called "Don't Be A Dick".
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09-08-2017, 10:29 AM
Post: #27
[Image: IMG_2085.jpg]

There is one real moral in this world when you think about it, and it's called "Don't Be A Dick".
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09-09-2017, 06:46 AM
Post: #28
Lmao Hehe

In order to Hear, we must Listen; In order to See, we must Look; and in order to Understand we must Want To.
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09-09-2017, 10:10 AM
Post: #29
This thread is brilliant Happy

A soul is a work of art.
In Death we trust.
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09-09-2017, 10:23 AM
Post: #30
on thattrying to fuck virging you forgot conspiracy theorist Wink well done anyways

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"It's funny that people spend their whole lives trying to find truth, yet they wont take it from me" - Satan
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