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you fucking disappoint me, maybe you're better off this way
09-09-2017, 04:24 AM
Post: #1
My Dionysian nature keeps me rather spirited. right now i am a little too spirited. the miasma is overflowing. revelry in music is one of my favorite methods of catharsis. im posting this because sharing sentiment is cathartic. i think a lot of people here will resonate with the sentiment of this song.
if you are here you either have some degree of power or are on your way. you know that muggle in your life who you love who simply cant stand on their own feet and actualize their potential? this is for them.

wake up and face me, dont play dead, cuz maybe someday i will walk away and say, you fucking disappoint me. maybe you're better off this way.

a blood betrayal is the worst transgression

passive aggressive bullshit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kpn3V_Cnhg
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09-09-2017, 04:58 AM
Post: #2
i totally understand what you are saying. watching them not being able to do something, since we all need to find -it- our selves. i can get very aggravated, which eventually is better then depressed Hehe but still...

i got a song too, but more to get myself over the irritation and find my patient, loving and caring spot againWink





for others a pic works sometimes better so ill put mine up as well. good for meditation Wink

[Image: Super-Green-528-LOVE-2-1024x1022.jpg]
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09-09-2017, 06:58 AM
Post: #3
Funny coincidence for today was a day when I set my plans in motion to betray rest of my family. Sigh, why I must end up like this, I do not know, but it is obvious that my real family is not in this realm of mortals anymore.
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09-09-2017, 07:01 AM
Post: #4
How come you need to betray them?
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09-09-2017, 07:33 AM (This post was last modified: 09-09-2017 07:38 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #5
It is simple dispute. I need a car to drive through Europe to my studies which is being veto'ed by my mother. So, as I was anticipating finally cutting loose from her, I will simply trick that I'm going home while in truth I will travel through half of Europe to my destination. I will totally ignore her authority and desires, because of course I will. I will follow up with harsh follow up, saying that I'm no longer your kid and if we wish to remain a family, that I would ever contact you again, you better accept that. There might be minor complications since insurance will end up after I reach my destination and I might not be allow to renew it since car and insurance was not done on my name, but that is insignificant. It is nothing to worry about, just a really minor chance of bad things happening when found out without it.


Sigh, I really become very, very destructive and high stakes player when someone pisses me off or puts me in direct clash of wills. I cannot back down now since I was denied it as my choice would matter very little. I'm hellborn in nature and that means that I naturally will rebel. I applied same thing with my sister for several months. She pissed me off, insulted me and I officially cut her out of my family. I did not acknowledged as my sister anymore and told to her that she is dead to me now. That seemed for some reason to be quite an effective tool in making her stop and think. Poor her, I thought she could be convinced and if in upcoming weeks she will not become more reasonable, I will have to quite expresionally show how little I care about her will when it assumes that she can command me. I was always preparing for this, for walking away from my family, though it is just too early by an year or so. It is not ideal by a long shot, but I guess, no war has ever been fought with both parties being entirely happy with themselves. I'm happy that at least I have everything now that I will ever need for complete self-sustainance without compromising in any way my lifestyle. Though, it is not yet set in stone, just reasonable expectations.


You know, I always found humans amusing. For some reason they imagine that I need them. That they hold something which would attract me to them and let them to manipulate me. It always end up terrible to them and I drove a person to begging in public once. I still laugh, considering how clever he thought to be in psychology and manipulation. I simply loved his desperation. That was so tasty and I could not help, but to laugh at him when he ran to me, to beg. This situation is the same. Risks are being promoted in order to scare me and thus, idilic, risk free lifestyle is pushed upon me, one person thinks that it has right into me, deciding what I do. It is quite typical from fathers to "forget" that their authority over children should decrease in linear fashion with time. I do not think that it will go beyond her being pissed off greatly which will diminish after weeks, knowing that I'm fine and well, but I'm more than ready to pay the iron price for it and to show how little I think of her.


In this pathetic existence, I cannot be myself without fighting for it constantly. As I say, all you need to do is to land and expand your wings, declaring to the world who you are and rivals will come one after another. People who think they can play you, manipulate you, control you. All of them deserve non of your mercy and need to be casted low. Bellum Aeternus. Wink
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09-09-2017, 11:39 AM
Post: #6
I understand the reasons and good luck too.
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09-09-2017, 03:12 PM
Post: #7
It is more about old generation clashing with new. It is not like there are any good reasons for me not to go out on this journey. I have sufficient expertise, my car recently passed technical check and additional ones are ordered before journey. Neither it is too far compared to other such journeys. Nor I'm an exception, quite a number of students get around in such a way. Nor costs are expensive when split at least in half. It is unlikely that car will break down. Statistically speaking, mileage is insignificant when compared to mileage generated by daily drive to work which adds up far more than such marathons. As for actual reason why I choose this is rather the degree of freedom it gives to me which I would like to utilize out there. Of course, there are dangers, but they are insignificant statistically from practical standpoint. From spiritual, the person which shaman had warned about was my mother. She recently was in auto accident and thus, that someone was not me.

Today I had insomnia due to this, thinking, my brains trying to discourage me from it. Though, non of scenarios indicate any serious problem outside the sheer undertaking. I'm afraid and challenged just by this journey alone. Even without having to fight with rest of my family which complicates everything. It is sad that our personalities are bound to come clashing down like this. That I cannot be trusted even when for all she knows, I'm driving together with other cars in a group there.


As for me, I would rather make costly mistakes than to live in my golden cage. But again, this is the difference between me and him:


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09-10-2017, 04:53 AM
Post: #8
I cannot sleep. Thoughts keep me awake and even worst. It is not just me who depends on this decision. It is others too and I must make it as early as possible. The main thing which kept me awake and make me to reconsider is France. Or more precisely their shitty cars which I have to suffer. My car have a typical issue which often gets worse with distance traveled. While it recovers on its own, I doubt the prowess of my technical tools. I will not brake. It is things around me who constantly brake. I'm tired of it, from the earliest day there isn't a shovel which can dig the ground, computer which wouldn't start functioning worse with me present. Now I'm in doubt of my car rather than anything else. Sigh, why I must be so cursed. Why I cannot ever be my weakest link when I give the fuck about it? I cannot trust those cheese eating surrender monkeys. They do not make good cars and I'm afraid that chronic issue which does not emerge in local travel will appear in a long one, because my car gets "tired". SIGH. It is similar stuff with a lot of things. My computer also gets tired of me and sometimes it needs a brake from me to start functioning again.

Another issue is inherence. I have marked upcoming months for death of my family member. So, I need as strong as claim as possible while I will be away. It really pisses me off. I have such capability to reason, to strategically outmaneuver my opponents and even more, thirst for war and conflict. Yet, I have to faint surrender when in truth, it is just strategically evaluating your options and picking the fights at most beneficial moments in your life. The mere thought of pretending to bow is disgusting to me to almost do it out of that alone. Yet, time is not quite right. I need to position myself for gathering said wealth. While I have resources to survive blow from my mistake of getting the worse of said travel and renouncing them if it comes to that. Yet, it is an year too early to fight. My battlefleet is still are being finished. I do not want to be caught without my pants on as Germans were during WW2 with their own naval build up.


Hmmm, I had felt that my family here are not one of my own months ago. That I have really just lip service to them. That Lucifer and the other world now are my family. A nice little delusion, still, my mind treats them as aliens, as opponents, sadly. It is ironic that the one thing which I wanted the most was the one thing was wasn't meant to be given to me and later said forces of old world order cannot understand why you turn away from them, being bitterly hurt.


Though, I felt like I'm connected to her. That my mind somehow battles her will and today her tone on her own completely reversed and she is submissive in said issue. Though, I feel exhausted, like I had fought battle of wills whole day in my bed. It is not first time when people reverse their stance completely when it stands directly against me, but it is always interesting to see it happening again and again. Sadly, due to me not trusting those damn surrender monkeys, a person who will travel with me doesn't want to go on road trip which is the main reason why I wanted to go are main reasons why I did not went. I also knew that said option will result in little bit of fun and intimacy with said girl, though I cannot base my decisions on pussy. I have to forever be ruthless and do that must be done, not what you would like to do.



This was unique opportunity for all of you to see that happens in my head and how active and energetic my reasoning is. How much effort I spent in thinking and even more, of how brutal and violent it is. I think several moves ahead, present issues being of secondary importance. Being willing to go into extremes and to bring ruination upon my enemies no matter the cost. Though, it always pisses me off when, and it is always the best solution, to play submissive and agree with other. Though, she knows how stubborn I get, but in most cases it is always better to do things the easy way. I despise this situation. I'm simply not ready. I need at least half an year to see my family members die, to accumulate wealth and then to tell them to piss off. But that makes me predictable, my thought processes easy to decrypt. This is why I hide everything from my family. I live with a mask when it comes to them. They have no idea who I'm and little role I play is so widely different than role I play to other people around me. Sigh, I cannot wait when I shall become alone...
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09-11-2017, 12:12 PM
Post: #9
(09-10-2017 04:53 AM)Calicifer Wrote:  
I cannot sleep. Thoughts keep me awake and even worst. It is not just me who depends on this decision. It is others too and I must make it as early as possible. The main thing which kept me awake and make me to reconsider is France. Or more precisely their shitty cars which I have to suffer. My car have a typical issue which often gets worse with distance traveled. While it recovers on its own, I doubt the prowess of my technical tools. I will not brake. It is things around me who constantly brake. I'm tired of it, from the earliest day there isn't a shovel which can dig the ground, computer which wouldn't start functioning worse with me present. Now I'm in doubt of my car rather than anything else. Sigh, why I must be so cursed. Why I cannot ever be my weakest link when I give the fuck about it? I cannot trust those cheese eating surrender monkeys. They do not make good cars and I'm afraid that chronic issue which does not emerge in local travel will appear in a long one, because my car gets "tired". SIGH. It is similar stuff with a lot of things. My computer also gets tired of me and sometimes it needs a brake from me to start functioning again.

Another issue is inherence. I have marked upcoming months for death of my family member. So, I need as strong as claim as possible while I will be away. It really pisses me off. I have such capability to reason, to strategically outmaneuver my opponents and even more, thirst for war and conflict. Yet, I have to faint surrender when in truth, it is just strategically evaluating your options and picking the fights at most beneficial moments in your life. The mere thought of pretending to bow is disgusting to me to almost do it out of that alone. Yet, time is not quite right. I need to position myself for gathering said wealth. While I have resources to survive blow from my mistake of getting the worse of said travel and renouncing them if it comes to that. Yet, it is an year too early to fight. My battlefleet is still are being finished. I do not want to be caught without my pants on as Germans were during WW2 with their own naval build up.


Hmmm, I had felt that my family here are not one of my own months ago. That I have really just lip service to them. That Lucifer and the other world now are my family. A nice little delusion, still, my mind treats them as aliens, as opponents, sadly. It is ironic that the one thing which I wanted the most was the one thing was wasn't meant to be given to me and later said forces of old world order cannot understand why you turn away from them, being bitterly hurt.


Though, I felt like I'm connected to her. That my mind somehow battles her will and today her tone on her own completely reversed and she is submissive in said issue. Though, I feel exhausted, like I had fought battle of wills whole day in my bed. It is not first time when people reverse their stance completely when it stands directly against me, but it is always interesting to see it happening again and again. Sadly, due to me not trusting those damn surrender monkeys, a person who will travel with me doesn't want to go on road trip which is the main reason why I wanted to go are main reasons why I did not went. I also knew that said option will result in little bit of fun and intimacy with said girl, though I cannot base my decisions on pussy. I have to forever be ruthless and do that must be done, not what you would like to do.



This was unique opportunity for all of you to see that happens in my head and how active and energetic my reasoning is. How much effort I spent in thinking and even more, of how brutal and violent it is. I think several moves ahead, present issues being of secondary importance. Being willing to go into extremes and to bring ruination upon my enemies no matter the cost. Though, it always pisses me off when, and it is always the best solution, to play submissive and agree with other. Though, she knows how stubborn I get, but in most cases it is always better to do things the easy way. I despise this situation. I'm simply not ready. I need at least half an year to see my family members die, to accumulate wealth and then to tell them to piss off. But that makes me predictable, my thought processes easy to decrypt. This is why I hide everything from my family. I live with a mask when it comes to them. They have no idea who I'm and little role I play is so widely different than role I play to other people around me. Sigh, I cannot wait when I shall become alone...
Try to protect your family, put them first....cos they r weaker than you, always protect the weaker if u r a strong man.
don't let your heart feel regretful someday and cry .....
don't let your dark side win your light side.

u can always find another time another chance for your wealth gathering etc. but family is only ONE chance for you in this life.
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09-11-2017, 11:49 PM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2017 12:02 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #10
Isn't it sad when you one day realize that you have nothing in common with your family? That your entire life is hidden from them and they know the least of who you are? That you have nothing to say to them? That you blame them for every decision in life, see how they were wrong in everything from the early days? How you never seen yourself being with them, how you always dreamed about going far from your little provincial life to the world unknown?


Lucky are ones who have the family. Cursed are ones who have one in blood, but not the spirit.


Btw: It is funny how she rapidly changed her attitude and had accepted that I will be going, despite of how absolutely against she was a day ago. Maybe I really fought her will and won. Though, I felt how my own determination was shattered in the process. You know, it is little difficult to fight person who is completely opposed to something and make it shift its position 180 degrees. Though, the reason of why I do not go anymore is several fold. I do not trust damn cheese eating surrender monkeys and their engineering capabilities. I do not trust French car to hold up with its own unique technical issues since they tend to appear on the long journeys. Risk is small one, but even a small uncertainty is too much for me when there is nothing to gain by it. I do not want to have serious technical problems in the middle of European wasteland, even if it is unlikely to happen and it should recover on its own. You see, highly complex equipment like computers and cars are alive, because of course they are for me.I do not fix my computer, parts of it can often be recovered just by praying. I'm amazed at how equipment is heavily dependent on my mood and I often feel how toxic I'm to it.

Other issue is that person did not wanted to make it a trip. There was girl which I was supposed to take. I changed my mind after 3 days of offering said travel, so I did not wasted any time. On the other hand, I imagined this trip going around nearby cities and areas of interest, taking my trip 3-4 days instead of 1 huge marathon. She did not showed enthusiasm for it and wanted to just get from A to B more or less. Even if she had a crush on me and I knew that this trip would had been "very enjoyable", I thought, will I let such feeble and pathetic concerns into my strategic thinking? Of course not. So I did that I always do. Come down with ruthless fashion, crashing down on all attempts on manipulation, deception or bias. I will not base my decisions on such pathetic considerations as sex. Trip had lost its original intention. Car itself would be fine if trip would had proceeded as wished. Since it was not, I ruthlessly cut it out in realization that it no longer carries any rational motive for me to act upon. It is also a part of why I'm so unlucky with girls. I really cannot get into the mood most of the time nor I see any worth in it. When one desires to go to the party with me, I consider my duties like studies first. Later I consider how little I valuable poisoning myself and rather buy a pizza and play video games alone. I really do not swing easily to constant females manipulation which men seem to be completely helpless against.If anything, I'm far harsher on said gender and in the past, I radically changed my position in the instant when I realized this and what they are doing. That is innocent and acceptable to you, is not for me.
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