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you fucking disappoint me, maybe you're better off this way
09-12-2017, 12:03 AM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2017 12:04 AM by smokevision.)
Post: #11
(09-11-2017 11:49 PM)Calicifer Wrote:  
Isn't it sad when you one day realize that you have nothing in common with your family? That your entire life is hidden from them and they know the least of who you are? That you have nothing to say to them? That you blame them for every decision in life, see how they were wrong in everything from the early days? How you never seen yourself being with them, how you always dreamed about going far from your little provincial life to the world unknown?


Lucky are oe nes who have the family. Cursed are ones who have one in blood, but not the spirit.
i knew i had nothing in common with my family when i was a little child, but i still protected them did the best that i can...
and i feel a lot of pain by doing it and by sacrificing my own stuff...
but after all, u will find it is still the right choice. friend....
and u r better than me, u r smarter, u can try to make a win win case for both u and them.
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09-12-2017, 07:05 AM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2017 07:21 AM by burnspritely.)
Post: #12
Calcifer,
You are the one member of this forum to either annoy me or impress me in such equal parts. Sometimes the biggest riff between people is that they are too much alike in certain ways. As i am about to burn this bridge which inspired this post, i understand your sentiment. I still however agree more with smoke vision. I really think you should talk to your ancestors. the dead are much more reasonable than the living in my experience. even christian ancestors of mine seem to understand that they neighbor altars with the likes of Lucifer. But smokevision is right. somethings ARE sacred beyond our understanding. I may pull the strings of my family as if they were marionettes but its for their own good. not because im better, but because i am more powerful and have a better grip on reality. in this life, you will lose everything if you build nothing but yourself. working with the infernal has really taught me who i should give a fuck about. i have lost a lot of friends because suddenly it became clear that they would never offer anything to me other than half assed sentiment. everything and everyone now has an economic value for my own vision. because i know my ambition is virtuous and just it would be plainly irresponsible to associate with those who cannot serve my vision. this is sort of cold but success necessitates it. if i am not successful i cant do shit for anyone. still it means i leave a lot behind. if you chase personal fulfillment without a cause beyond pleasure (as you say yourself) your life is meaningless.

but you do you, man. we all need examples.
btw i am neither depressed nor an insomniac
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09-12-2017, 09:52 AM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2017 10:40 AM by Calicifer.)
Post: #13
The funny thing is, I had already won. It is really peculiar sight to see how I, without a word can win such conflicts. A person who was cursing me at my stupidity one day, had fully relented the next and fully surrender the third. It is just my mind kept me awake whole night, fueling clash of wills and while I do regret turn of events, I had said my reasons of why it was pointless for me to go. Even relationship with that girl had stabilized due to a simple fact that she simply enjoys my company. Though, it bothers me, I do not fuck care about your day. Stop asking how my day went. I swear, I would better pay women to kiss me...






What I want to build will not matter based on puny inheritance. Who cares about few houses in some province. My dreams are a lot bigger than of ones of common man. Regardless of anything, I'm leaving my country. I'm sick of being little and stupid. I do not want to live in genetical, cultural and political land of failures. I do not want to be part of small and insignificant country. I will have of course to innate myself into free masons. I will have to work hard in my advisory role to make impression, to gather impression. There still shit fucks of learning left to do. So many countless books to add to my library. One day I will have it. My own private reading room with all the books I had read and wish to read. I will have a wine cellar too. And my lab of course. I will also probably dig up an exit from my house, one underground. Of course without proper permits and plans, stop being so silly. Our family is in love with digging. One noble man at that time had dug out a tunnel to other noble house just to bone her crush in secret. That is some next level dedication to boning, lol!


My main advantage in life, outside of my education which amounts to little in foreign countries is this, I'm extremely flexible and adaptable. I'm more than happy to move to new position somewhere in some corner of the world. I can learn their language. I can work there. This is very surprising from most people since you or at least here, people are very attached to their homes for some weird reason. I just hope that fate will be kind to me and I will be presented with opportunities in life to travel far. That my experience in "everything" will be useful in this modern world and I will raise to the position worthy of my status.


As you see, it matters little in what I do. My success from now on will not be decided by family nor I will meet it anymore. My grandmother will die soon. Only my sister and my mother remains. Both are such peasants. I'm just technically related to them and I'm going forwards in search of my own wolf-pack. I even felt far stronger attachment to Lucifer and belonging to his own family rather my own the last time I visited and realized just how insanely different we had became. Do you know how my family had started out? With an off spring taken from a wolf's lair. Yeah... A nice little legend. My last name even means: "wolf" in a disguised fashion. And when people cannot understand why I'm so prideful, prone to my own nobility. The main advantage we had as a family was our interest in politics and tendency towards organization and mutual support. Whatever past glories might be, I had decided long ago that this life which I was given or expected to live is not for me. I hope in life for far more than most people dare to dream. I even heard through my work that our family's meteoric rise to the top which inspired such legends did started out with Lucifer. Though there is no way to confirm that, wouldn't be it a tasteful irony that I, are just repeating the almost a thousands year old story to a letter...
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09-12-2017, 12:40 PM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2017 12:46 PM by smokevision.)
Post: #14
(09-12-2017 07:05 AM)burnspritely Wrote:  somethings ARE sacred beyond our understanding. ....... because i know my ambition is virtuous ...... if you chase personal fulfillment without a cause beyond pleasure (as you say yourself) your life is meaningless.
U have a noble soul....love and blessings to youSmiling


(09-12-2017 09:52 AM)Calicifer Wrote:  
The funny thing is, I had already won.





My grandmother will die soon. Only my sister and my mother remains. Both are such peasants. .
you have won what??
a PhD and a good career??
so u feel pride just by such stuff?

why do u look down your mother and your own sister?
no matter how low level they r , they r your family!!!!!!!

if u can't protect them, why u keep blowing u r a great loving man who can take care of the damaged girl i mentioned?
that girl is even even worse and lower level....

DO U KNOW WHAT IS A REAL NOBLE?
WHAT IS A REAL WOLF?
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09-12-2017, 01:27 PM
Post: #15
I know i sure don't. I just pretty much sacrifice everything i have to keep my parents land afloat, cleared of brush and trash, and get groceries and do errands for them. My bro or sis need me i'm there.

Sure, i don't have much money, clothes, or things (hell my 16$ in foodstamps got rejected today) but i sure have lots of time.

I just try to be good to people when im not having some mental pissy fit (yeah gotta stay away from shitty media).

I try to approach spirits the same way. I guess if they gut me... Then they gut me. (Shrugs)
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09-12-2017, 08:48 PM (This post was last modified: 09-12-2017 08:49 PM by Calicifer.)
Post: #16
The very thing which had sparked this discussion to begin with. Though, yes. phD and career would give even more pride in myself. It takes a special kind of person to achieve all that and certainly, not just anybody can rise as far. I know I'm capable of that, but I do not want to pretend anymore. I will study phD ONLY if I will know that I love the subject. I studied bachelors and masters without any love for a thing I study and it is pain in the ass for such spiritual person to do that. It is especially hard for me due to my own special sensitivities to such things.


Blind attachment is rather a sin than a virtue. To support someone at the cost of yourself is a wrong choice. Young should not be forced to sacrifice their own lives for the lives of older generation, for their parents. This is why such abusive relationships develop as: "I cannot leave my mother alone, she is too weak" or "I have to work in family's business", or "I cannot leave my family". All said relationships are abusive since they stand in a way of that individual wants in life. Your parents life is not your life. You have to pursue your own dreams and this is what I'm doing. I'm just brutally honest as always with that. I'm leaving them and it is a year or two until we are through. I will be working far, far away, coming to visit them few times in an year.


There is a difference between "supporting" and paying the lip service to them. Yes, sure, I will transfer the funds if they will need for medical bills or for accidents, but our lives are separate. I do not see things as helping my sister to move, driving her through towns as something as a sacrifice. It is something which I would do to any decent person who would ask me of that. As I had said, I do not recognize them as neither my blood or as my family on spiritual terms. Due to blood in a sense that they lack inherent blue blood which I possess. Blue blood is not something which you are born with. It is rather soul defining quality. A person with a blue blood, a lost nobility will always inherently be different. Have certain superior qualities about him and some typical weakness when involving a peasant's living in this day and age. Said thing is not merely a continuation of family's line. My own family and generations before did not gave a single fuck. I told my sister that and she just said "wow" and forgot about it. Said quality is rather spiritual in nature and no amount of pollution from peasantry will remove that fact that your blood is blue. You are either born different or you are not.


I on the other hand was born a noble. From the earliest days I gave my family a hell. Always being extremely bitchy about trash left in the forests, defending trees which they wanted to cut, protesting various things like untested meat going as far as not eating it for half an year until they finally got a lesson. Heck, I even vetoed my father's birthday and refused to go to it next room which really, really affected him. I also had my own little garden of flowers and stood against adults who wanted to give my flowers away to neighbours. I always had that inhuman quality about me or in other words, I really never behaved as you would expect from a child. Even as a kid I had far more nobility inside my veins than most of you gather through your lifetimes. My interests, my behavior, everything about me just screamed how different I'm and how I was cheated by world. I had difficulty in school too early on due to certain things. I could not figure out how a person could lie to my face. I could not comprehend how one could ignore my own position, my own personal honor. Certainly, if I say I want something, others should give me my fair share. Why I have to fight for it? Why others are taking care only of their own interests? Things like this I had to learn hard way for they were, at best, starting to develop if being generous.


Now, do you know how it feels when my mom insults me with every word? It is not like she mean it, she itself cannot comprehend it. Yet, this peasant level conversation and social interactions are infuriating to me. Nobody, but me are irriated by them and I have to keep my mood from decaying when by every gesture I'm disrespected, social rules are breached and so and on. Mind you, I did not wanted to imitate nor be nobility. I started to associate due to decade of denial of who I'm. Of brushing off things like that being born with inherently different perspective, set of social rules and many other things like inherent knowledge and expectations from this world. For example, I always knew how world should be run. How military should be run. I did not learned it from humans. I was introduced to your system and with time I saw its flaws and understood that you are just fools and idiots. People like me, naturally, would create completely different kind of rule due to inherent knowledge from within. I do not know why it is here and I consider my birth as a mistake. God after all is highly incompetent, so it does not surprise me.


It is why I look down upon them. I'm not one of them. I'm as far removed from them as I can possibly be. I feel stronger belonging to Lucifer's family rather than my own. Sure, I will pay a lip service, do that I'm expected to do, but I cannot deny the truth. I'm not part of this peasantry and I will rather damn myself than to deny the truth. I made my choice. I do not want life that was meant to me by God. I know what I want and I do not care if I will be less happy for it, that I will suffer more. I'm tired that my needs often are ought to be ignored, my happiness forgotten. I either will get what I want or will burn the world in search for said things. I feel my soul is being hurt from previous lives and while I cannot remember why or what had happened outside of such silly things as: "protection from evil" in my astral charts and obvious attention given by said higher suckers, I'm still unhappy and feel betrayed for something which I really cannot define as. Like I'm entitled by the universe to much more in life than anyone else. In some level it is the truth. It is written as my birthright to prosperity, to protection, to a lot of things. Yet, I'm yet to receive all of them.



I'm simply far more honest with it and I do not attach myself like a puppy when my feelings are not pure. I'm related to my family only in social ties, in genetics. I was never like them. I have the need, the desire to find my new family now for such long time.



As how said two things are different? One needs help while others are more than fine on their own. One claims certain right which is not theirs while other asks for nothing. It is very different thing to give love to ones who need it and ones who claim said love as their own entitlement. They want different kind of love, even demand it while they themselves fail to bring the very essence of said love. Of being your family. I never really missed my father after his death. I made my peace with him though and I'm not that hostile to him or his spirit anymore, though at the time I was hostile and denied it any chance of reconciliation with me. My grandmother and mother of course are more important to me, but I will be over their deaths very quick. I already know that of my grandmother's death and I'm relieved that I will have an excuse not to attend her burial. Damn, those things are annoying as fuck. I start envy the dead. Though, I will have to come to bury my mother, but it is more of dealing with our possessions than anything else. It is not like I forget that she had done for me and for that I'm eternally grateful, but when you distance yourself spiritually from your family as I do, you start to view them in different light. I consider myself first of my own family. That is, I have no real family line before me and I consider myself the first. This is how it is set in my head and this is how spiritually distant I'm from them. It is also why you cannot understand why one can love others in completely different way. It is not that my family = the highest amount of love. If you do not consider them as your family, then they become distant to you. In this way, you love them as any other human being, only these are highly tied to you and are deserving of special treatment, because of their past, unselfish deeds towards you.


Though, the first of my noble family also did not really had any real family. It was anything from adopted, unknown child to found abandoned baby in the woods or even to being found in wolf's lair (which wolves are known for doing, taking care of other species young). I'm just repeating same old story.


It sad, yes, but it is the circle of life. Crying and caring too much about it it is like complaining about seasons. It is natural and no matter where she will go, to heaven or hell. To reincarnate to other person, I only wish that she would get a life that she deserved, not this miserable excuse of living she has. I despise God for this betrayal and I will not forget it, as a true Raven, I will instill pettiness to the God to my children too, ensuring that that monster will not claim their souls.
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09-13-2017, 11:52 AM (This post was last modified: 09-13-2017 11:53 AM by smokevision.)
Post: #17
Calicifer,
glad to see u will support your mom and sister with money and medical pay when u leave them, remember to find a nurse too if needed....cos they both r women and may not be able for too much pressure later....the patients r hard to handle , if your grandma r dying.
I m pround of u to do this.

Since u r the only son in your family, u know....
u will still take care of them from far, and far away maybe actually good if they r abusive to you.
and there r many sons from the peasant background r not the same as you, they will throw away the family totally, cos this is the only way for them to forget the past and move on.

As for noble, u r noble or not, it is dertermined by the soul, not by your intellectual or educational level, do u know how many master degrees or PhD r liers ,
how many higher end criminals r the PhD people?

and remember , if u become the President of your country one day, u r still a son of peasant, and peasant is nothing lower than a President.

ZackDuckers,
u will and u already have kindred spirits with you ,just ask them for things that u want, they will give u, it may take time but u will see...Smiling
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09-14-2017, 08:51 AM
Post: #18
(Post is directed at public, not you)

The issue are definitions and expectations. As I imagine something, it is completely different to you. I was always kind of distant to them. With start of my studies, said thing only increased until it finally culminated to a point where I really do not see them as my family. Family is ought to be made of people like you, but in reality, I'm as far removed from them as possible. Of course, formal relationships always be good and there is no reason not to do what they need.


The thing about you people is that you are behaving like savages. Of course, it is normal for you since you are not proper men or women. I had naturally, never had suspected that such disrespect, such complete disregard for principles and social rules is possible in a normal environment. Yet, here we are. People here are insulting others, often for no reason one debases himself and starts attacking other, usually without any reason for it. Personal attacks and constant harassment for you is a normal thing. Communicating with insults is also something you people love, just trying to insult each other in vilest fashion possible. What is bizarre and strange for me is a normal thing for you. This is the one thing how we differ. I had met other people from also lost nobility. They naturally are gentelmens and ladies. They are a lot more respectful, tactful. Well read, educated with interesting hobbies to keep themselves up. It is a pleasure to talk with those people since they respect you. They read what you are saying and are grateful for your time spent trying to help them. This is why it is actually enjoyable to talk with them.


That for us is normal, it is unusual for you. When you say something, you do one thing. When we say the same thing, we yet do another thing. There is a world of difference between my and other people spirits. I'm only sad that I have to suffer this. It is always something which I have to do more in such subtle ways, to live up to something, to expect more from myself. Why I cannot be like you and have no personal standards? Ah, wouldn't that be a joy?
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09-16-2017, 07:05 AM (This post was last modified: 09-16-2017 07:06 AM by burnspritely.)
Post: #19
I haven't even bothered to keep up with reading all this hullabaloo but calcifer, psychopathy is clearly your goal. However you are clearly unseccusfull, otherwise you wouldn't spend half of everyday writing novels for us all to validate yourself. Your 'darkness' is ironic.
Maybe later ill actually catch up with this thread but I sorta doubt it.
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09-16-2017, 07:12 AM
Post: #20
Honestly I haven't seen such a lame, cringeworthy, immature take on life since the satanism craze in the late nineties, and even then that was just in teenagers, never anybody of his supposed age.
I don't know how he doesn't feel embarrassed by the way he acts. It's literally baffling.

A pebble at the source of the Nile and all the world is changed.
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