Hi all,

I have decided to write on this forum because I feel as if I am "locked" in a situation where my life has reached its nadir and I keep incurring in "negative synchronicities" that seem to keep me stuck in a bad position as if I was trapped in an indestructible bubble or if I was an insect trapped in the amber...

I don't know if this post will succeed, because at least four times I've tried to discuss this stuff...thrice in an anonymous board and once on Quora, strange coincidences happened...

My posts disappeared...the post was posted, but didn't pass the reCAPTCHA, so it essentially was "posted in nothingness"...

PREMISE
I have always believed that the main goal of my life should have been the search for my True Love, but my life goals had always been quite simple and mundane (finding this True Love, marrying, having children, having a decent career, etc...). However, I always felt a deep craving for a connection with the Multiverse and for being "part of something" meaningful, which caused religion and spirituality to be a significant part of my life.
I merely dabbled in occult and spirituality...as curiosity...but I can't say I have ever been a real occultist...even if I had some strange occurrences in my youth, like a friend who knew a person I was cursing getting a broken arm instead of him, having a close relative dying in strange circumstances after I tried a curse against someone and then "retracted" it or once seeing a strange dark crooked shepherd stick forming in the sky as I was singing Morbid Angel's "Lord of All Fevers and Plague" while dancing backwards (and having the definite impression that I had to *stop there* or something really nasty would have happened)...

Apart from this my life has always been filled with strange synchronicities...

After "inventing a woman of my dreams" (to stop suffering from broken heart from real girls) and wishing desperately to meet her...ending up meeting first a woman who kind of "looked alike" and then meeting an *exact* look-a-like of this imaginary woman...

After praying and making sake offers to Kamis (Shinto Gods) on a makeshift home altar for about 6 months and asking to meet a certain kind of girl, I made a sort of harsh remark about the fact that they "seemed to not understand the kind of girl I was looking for"...and bang...24 hours later I met a girl who was leaving the Country in 4 days and that was so perfectly matching the kind of girl I was looking for to seem to be "sent" literally...and, on top of it, meeting with a friend who gave me a different name (from her actual name) who reminded me another -similar- girl who I met many years ago in her homeland...

This belief system started to develop after around the time of the "Blood Moon" in July 2018. Was really a strange time. The girl I had met with the strange "synchronicity" above had cut all ties, I had spent about 3 months trying to find a job and having my applications systematically rejected (felt really as if I had been "blacklisted"), etc...

Everything was going the wrong way and, at that point, I was planning in cold blood to perform ritual suicide by disembowelment (harakiri).

At the time I was not dabbling into the occult...I was just praying the Kamis, because in the past "worked"...but I can't say I was a Shintoist (not being Japanese)...I was just a pagan who was worshipping deities who seemed to answer my prayers...

Was a very hot summer...incredibly hot...

Honestly I had already started to hear voices...but initially was very subtle...as people talking in the street...

About a week before the blood moon I tried a "pain resistance test"...I heated a knife with a lighter and checked if I would scream by pressing on my chest...I tried a few times...I didn't scream, but after a few hours the burns became visibly infected...

I started having hot fever...after a few days I went to the hospital, I lied about how I made those burns and I got some antibiotics...however, in the meantime I started feeling a burning sensation inside my head...like a focused burning energy and there was a constant sound that felt like a sort of "drilling/piercing" sound...the heat was mainly concentrated where the 3rd Eye and Crown Chakras are supposed to be...but I was not thinking about that at the time...felt as if someone was using a sort of "laser" to burn inside my head...in some moment, by touching my head and smelling my hand, I could literally smell the "burnt chicken" smell of burnt hair!

The "system" didn't came up immediately...
The hallucinations were telling me all kind of stories...mostly where about terrible things that were going to happen, about things that I could do to find a decent job or gain the heart of the girl I loved and have her come back...

One night I felt as if I was in a huge "telepathic teleconference" with entities identifying themselves as gods...I was lying on my bed and I felt my brain could end up *fried* at any time...in fact I had the impression that one of these "deities" (who identified as Inari) saved me by "taking me aside" in the most heated part of the "teleconference"...

A few hours later, I couldn't sleep ...I woke up as I heard worrisome noises and, going out to find their source, I came across 4 foxes...3 small ones...1 big one...but wasn't a forest or something...was a path on back of a shopping mall...with some trees...but all man-made...nothing you can expect to see *foxes* in! I found scaringly strange the presence of foxes and the fact that a few hour before "Inari" saved my brain from getting fried...

As days passed, strange occurrences stacked upon each other...my mobile phone would start discharging at lightning-fast speed...my laptop idem...at a certain stage they'd not recharge even if they were plugged into the electric socket!
...my credit card would malfunction...I'd have problem in accessing my bank account... felt like as if I was literally enveloped in a *nimbus* of negative energy!! On top of it my interior feelings seem to be mirrored in the surrounding environment...when I was getting sad and hopeless, the weather was getting cold...but not just "slightly cold"...no...like deep winter cold!

In some moments most people would seem as hypnotized...cars would stop for an incredibly long time even for no apparent reasons...strange unknown people -who didn't seem affected by the "mass-hypnosis"- would shake hands with me, look me straight in the eyes and call me "Brother" with no apparent reason! ...or they would ask me if "I understood their language"...or they would ask my opinion about their personal problems right in the middle of the street!

The "mass-hypnosis" effect would seem as a sort of light "fast-forward" in the motion of the people as if they were a videorecording and not real people and one time I thought to have heard "Simulation restarted"...

The "system" came up slowly over time...from stories that -unlike most of their stories- weren't changed from what the "voices" were telling me and, at least in one instance, from one of the weirdest experiences I have ever had:

Was like as if my brain processing power had been suddenly busted and I started to associate things and ideas in my past which before didn't seem to have any kind of "connection"...and all at amazing speed...felt truly like a sort of "Satori", but was incredibly strange and somehow scary!

BELIEF SYSTEM
The only thing that exist is the Void. What we call "Existence" is, in fact, a sort of "vibration of the Void"...should it ever stop, everything would cease to exist.
This "vibration" is the Sentience of the Multiverse...something that I call "Root of All Things". Everything that exist is permeated by it, but, somehow, things that are "alive" (made of matter, but capable of contain and producing energy) and things that are "sentient" (possessing an individual conscience) have a greater "concentration" of this "background vibration".

This is the reason why "collective beliefs" generate "spirits" and then start to "change" Reality...in a minor way try to think about those workplaces that people *hate* and *dread*...over time little incidents and problems that make the place even worse start happening as the place slowly "slides" into an hell-like environment...and the opposite holds true for workplaces that people perceive as a paradise of sort!

There are two concept that make up the "eternal dance" of this "vibration":

"Unity" and "Separation".

While my system cannot be defined "Taoist", I have originally associated "Unity" with "Yin" and "Separation" with "Yang"...and the "eternal dance" (or the Root hidden behind it) as the "Tao".

After I reached this conclusion, I have started to see some "pattern" in what was happening. I seemed to been producing and collecting "Yin" energy and this was the reason why everything electrical seemed to fail and why Reality seemed to accelerate around me in some moments...was not Reality "accelerating"...was *me* getting *slower*!

Once I have noticed that, when I was in a large crowd, if I was making a clockwise circular motion with my right hand and some specific finger raised...the clouds in the sky would dissipate...and the most scaring thing is *people* would start moving in an evident *spiral pattern* as if they were acting under a sort of mass-hypnosis!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a certain point, exasperated by the systematic failure of electronics around me and by the fact that -yes- somehow I was affecting Reality around me but *not* for my desired and mundane goals, I went to an acupuncturist. I told the guy at the counter (and then to the doctor) that I had a "great unbalance of Yin energy" that electronics was failing around me and that I want them to "bring my balance back"!

They probably thought I was just insane, but they nodded and since I was talking their "lingo", they "did something"...in fact the doctor sticked her pins into my skull in a spiral pattern and I felt the energy flowing out of my body through my chakras!

After that "rebalancing"...well...I had never been able to achieve an effect like the one I have perceived with that large crowd...however I would notice that when people would get "confused" at the ticket gates, making the same motions would cause them to get "quickly ordered" and flow smoothly...as if their brain had been "slowed down" and I was "accelerating" it!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In my belief system hidden among "vanilla" Humans there is an evolved sub-species who have developed psychic powers and a deeper connection with the Root of All Things...

I usually call them "Nephilim", because was a term who came up often in the stories of the voices...but technically is wrong: They are not descended from angels or fallen angels themselves, but are more like "psychic homo sapiens"...

Some of these "Nephilm" are unaware of their nature...they just manifest some random powers, but they don't perceive themselves as "different" from other humans and don't have any advanced control over their power.

Some of these "Nephilim" undergo an "initiation"...some break up under this initiation and become "insane", so they need to be kept "under control", because on top of being insane they can manifest strange powers...

However being "insane" is just matter of being able to functionally exist within the mundane society. If you cannot, you are "insane". If you can, you are "awakened".

I think the "Nephilim" don't like their existence being revealed, because they are afraid of being hunted down or turned into guinea pigs by some "vanilla" human and this is the reason why they tend to infiltrate secret societies that, being secret, allow them to work better for their objectives within the mundane society.

I think that the "Nephilim" in general want to thrive and to ensure that the Human species thrives and evolves, but there are two philosophies:

The "Hunters" believe that one should not pity the "vanilla" humans who do not try to improve themselves, do not try to reach enlightenment and that are contented of living like "cows" and that our duty is to the Human species *in general*.

The "Shepherd" believe that, being evolved, we are a sort of "big brothers" of the "vanilla" humans so we must be compassionate, empathic and forgiving even with those who are careless, brutal, ignorant or stupid in their ways.

I believe in the first philosophy. Frankly I *can* understand why some "vanilla" humans are careless, brutal, ignorant or stupid...can see the roots of their "problems", but I find interacting with them "spiritually taxing" and on top of it I feel that this kind of humans are "damaging" for the Human species in general and its chances to survive an harsh and unforgiving Multiverse...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

However, I don't know...

My "awakening" gave me strange "insights" that I feel would be quite useful if used in a mundane "everyday life" environment, but I don't really know how to go back integrating myself into the "mundane" society.

I have all the technical skills I had in the past and I am good at my job, but seems as if the mundane society is "bouncing me back"!

In a way I feel as if I was a Lone Hunter cut off of its "Pack"...and I have really no idea how to "connect with them" or if they are "real" or if I am simply "going crazy"...

The only thing I find strange are the coincidences that I seem to
meet on my path...

...a lot of people I have interviews with seem to be obsessed about me "going back to my ex-company"...

...some people I have interviews with seem to be obsessed about me "going back to my homeland"...now...I am not in my homeland and here there is a quite toxic climate, but does not make much sense being obsessed about me "going back from where I came" (both ex-company and homeland)!

...lately the coincidences I experience seem to be more subtle, but seem to be all a "negative" sort of "synchronicity" who attempt to keep me from integrating back into the mundane society or from developing social ties...

However...in some much rarer cases are much more freaking strange:

For example...when I have tried to discuss these topics of Quora, I am absolutely sure was not later than 21.00 when I started writing answers on Quora...I wrote 3 answers...the last one was about the "Root of All Things"...

...was the answer who got "truncated" by the system when I have tried to edit it...something that, in all honesty, never happened before!

...well...when I finished writing it was 6.00 am of following morning!

To some degree was a bit similar to this post:

I have eaten out. Paid at 14.22.

I went back home and I am probably at 10 minutes by foot from that restaurant.

So when I have started writing this post was probably 14.30-14.40 and I am very fast with the keyboard...but now -as I am writing this- is 16.32.

Feels as if when I write this stuff the time slows down...which is scary, but, honestly, the answer on Quora was *more scary*...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be honest I am a bit worried and anxious..."awakened" or not...I need to go back having a normal and decent job and having a social life, because just like any normal person I need that to *live*...however if all those theories about "Nephilim" are just fantasies, I have no good explanation for the nightmare I am suffering apart from "conspiracy theory"-like ideas (i.e., my ex-company *actively* persecuting me?) and even the "toxic climate" in the Country in which currently live seem...I don't know...too "limited" to have such widespread impact!

I have tried in many ways to make a real-life connection with the "Pack"...I want desperately them to reach out, to "teach me" how an "awakened" should properly mingle with mundane society and to which degree my "powers" and what I have perceived is "real" or "not real"...

The only solution I could find is to do what, I feel, would piss them off the most:

Talk openly about this stuff.

(Especially the Hunters to which I feel to belong...being "weak" in this moment isn't probably something they appreciate...and being a potential "liability" they might think that "killing me" or letting me "go to Hell" is a much better solution than "reaching out"!)

It is not that I don't agree on secrecy or that I want to end up "witch hunted" or dissected for being a "Nephilim", but I don't know...I feel as if I have "summoned energies" and "activated events" that are too big for me to control!

Even the way I perceive "feelings" are changed:

My mind is constantly filled with a blissful peace...as if it was in "Heaven"...I have a more or less constant (and pleasant) sensation of warmth about half-inch into my forehead...where the Third Eye Chakra is supposed to be...

...what in the past would have been "fear"...feels more like an "intense anxiety" and I feel into my guts...as if my guts started to develop "knots"...and even "anger"...is never in my head, but it is more in my guts!

Frankly it is silly, but somehow I felt that if I am a Nephilim...if my "Brothers" and "Sisters" are out there...they probably have the same inclination for spirituality, religion and occult that I have...I don't want to put our sub-species in danger...I am just ask for help in dealing with something that feels "strange", that I "do not completely understand" and try to "tie up" that with the mundane Reality to have a "normal" life again...and well...telepathic communication does not seem a "great thing" for this, because could be just my subconscious generating them and I could have simply "gone nuts"!

In this moment I feel like a cockroach whose abdomen has been pierced by a toothpick and who just managed to crawl in a hole to die...so well...if the term "Brother" and "Sister" meant anything for these "Nephilim", I would really need their help...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you think that anything I wrote about this system of beliefs make sense to you?

Does anything of this tie up with any other belief system you know?

Apart from my belief system...what could have happened?

( I would be all right in assuming I have simply "gone crazy", but that would not explain how these strange coincidences would keep "stacking up"...I mean...
*madness* should be something *inside my head*...not generate strange coincidences in the external Reality as if was a Roleplaying Game!!)

Do you have any suggestion about how to "unlock" this nightmarish negative "synchronicity pattern" and try to rebuild a mundane life where I am?

Thanks,
Lone Hunter