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Journal caught in the matrix; poverty, activism, spiritual warfare, curses, depression and despair, blockages, gang stalking etc

A record of a users' progress or achievements in their particular practice.

djcullgirl

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I was tempted to give up and delete this post after kind of losing track of myself, but ive recently identified how strongly and subtly a blockage or disregulation in my throat chakra has been affecting me and my ability to express myself, so ive decided to leave it as is and come back to it..... but with a couple questions.... i had so much more to say but my adhd/ptsd is off the charts lately

Any deities you would recommend for assistance in this? i think im lucky having hecate and apollo on my side in these matters, and i have asked mikhael for assistance as well... but this is a matter of such enormous scope and importance im willing to trade my life for justice in this matter.... i cant let this shit go on... but im so low on resources mentally and physically
Could a curse be described as any large expenditure of resources/energy committed over a long period of time, with the intention of harming/slowing/throwing off track, the target? i read about the evil eye and how venemous words or rumor mongoring can cause it - are curses similar? it doesnt necessarily have to be black candles and dead puppies (or whatever, im being hyperbolic) ??


So, i live in government subsidized housing for people with mental health disabilities who have experienced/are at risk of homelessness.

I moved in around 2017, october. It was my first "housing" that i didnt share, and wasnt just a place to bunker down for the winter until i go back to living a nomadic lifestyle, since i first left home at 12-13 years old.

Going in to it, i had the blessing of knowing what to expect, to some degree. See, these organizations that provide housing, they are an extension of the prison industrial complex, subjecting "tenants" to close surveillance, inhumane treatment, unfair and isolating rules and policies, all illegally... up until recently (but more on that later)

I had it in my mind that i would stick up for and challenge these rules and policies that violate the rights of the people living here. It wasnt a new thing, other people had done it before and won. And in those cases, these organizations argue that because we are a "specialized population" we are not entitled to the same rights as "normal" populations under tenancy, or human rights, law. The specialized population being poor people, since that is the common thread across all the buildings that these organizations operate.

In 2018 staff retaliated by making a false police report of an overdose in my suite, the only legal justification for police to enter a residence without a warrant being if someones life is in danger. I opened the door, knowing they had that right under these made up pretenses. The moment the latch cleared the door, they booted the door in and six pigs kicked my head in until i was unconcious. they then took my unconcious body , carried it to their car, took me downtown and threw me in a cell where i woke up about 7 hours later (give or take, idk really)
I looked at the clock, saw it was about 4 am - they were releasing me without ever checking me in - i looked a the screw behind the desk ; "you dirty fucking pig ..l., " and the screw behind me picks me up by the neck and slams my head off the concrete wall a few times, i black back out and wake up back in the same cell...
The building management, as well as upper level board of directors and anyone in between, covered up the incident by deleting video footage i requested under freedom of information/personal information laws...

tldr they tried to fuckin murder me (not the first time, probably not the last, the pigs have tried)

I suffered a serious traumatic brain injury. My memory, focus, etc all severely impacted. Im super, super lucky im not a vegetable.... Whether im lucky i didnt die or not, that is to be decided...

After that, there was an unspoken ceasefire between me and my building. I was facing a ton of other persecution and struggle in my life at the time, and it was not a wise move from where i was sitting to start more beef with the pigs, so i didnt pursue legal action.

Fast forward to lasty october. I am freshly out of detox, in a very spiritually charged time in my life, lots of visions and precognitive dreams, powerful medicine dreams, syncronicities etc... And a neighbour is petitioning against a psychopath that works here (i call her nurse ratchet) - i sign the petition. i cant recall exactly what prompted it, but I start filing access information requests, looking through my documents etc... and ive been doing that since...

So around then, the state makes changes to tenancy protection laws, the law that defines what rights tenants have, whats defined as a tenant etc. they update it so that people living in government subsidized housing have no rights or protections under the law - none what so ever. Meanwhile, the government is changing the law (silently) so that drug addicts can be involuntarily committed under the mental health act, and also committing a bunch of money to opening the long-closed-because-of-patient-living-conditions psychiatric hospital.... although thats besides the point.

I knew when they changed the laws that they would start putting the pressure on me, newly emboldened and empowered to do as they please... and oh man... ohhhh man.

Long story short, the petition uncovered Nurse Ratchets horrific past, exposed that they protect and preference these types of individuals in their work force, as well as a ton of other horrific things.... its beyond messed up...

Anyways so they do indeed start fucking with me, allowing a known sexual assault perpetrator to run amock, doing nothing, to goad me in to some kind of outburst so they can claim i'm a danger and evict (or kill) me...
But they dont know who they are fucking with. ive been meticulously documenting their every move, building a case, digging around... and i cant say here but ive uncovered some shit.....

But this brings me to a couple things i guess... for one, ive previously been gangstalked, and it never really stops but the focused high-resource-allocation period where they try and make you lose your shit is long behind me, i was able to protect myserlf through knowledge of hypnosis, revealed to me by Apollo (for which i am eternally greatful) - but i know that if i start being a thorn in their side, it would take no effort for "them" to erase me without anyone batting an eye...
So, i moved out of my place, to a friends in the mountains far away. I got a ride here to pick up my stuff while the driver attended a conference. The night before my ride back, their car gets stolen.... Paranoia ensue.


(ended for now cuz i ran out of steam <3 thanks for reading)

Input welcome, intutions channellings you name it i need halp
 

Wannabewizard

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I'm sorry this stuff is happening to you, it's why I would never allow myself into that sort of place. I know of the sort of characters that are involved in 'institutions' who think they are gods, when they are sadists.

I have had my taste of that from those that seemed to put out that I had the 'wrong kind of disability', would never take responsibility for there actions and would only would ever bother to save them-self's. How dare anyone inconvenience the narcissists!

If your struggling with PTSD I can recommend the crappy childhood fairy.

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Keep writing and let it out. I also recommend prayer for on the spot troubles, any prayer you feel works. Forget religion, it's not about that, it's your connection to source that matters. If you can keep going, you can do it.
 

djcullgirl

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Thanks, fren.

So good news, I went all snake pliskin and Escaped from New York, im back in the mountains.

god its like light and day, when i get out of that environment and the city...

So much fucked up stuff going on. We really took a fucking nose dive into this final revealing of the age of aquarius, hey? all this pluto aquarius mars fuckin energy... god shit is so crazy.

I cant tell if its all a psyop, a really elaborate one, or if we fucking switched timelines to one where some aspect of this evolutionary struggle against evil is accelerating at a tremendous pace... things are truly unravelling in so many ways. what a time to be alive...

anyways, im back in the mountains. Nothing in particular is good per se, everyone sucks. I am struggling with, as i have my whole life, the reality of gang stalking... and how lonely a path it can be, how exhausting it is having to thoroughly vet, re-vet, then constantly question every single person that comes in to my life... damn i miss my dawg. RIP, fuck the police, death to the system. Amen, hallelujah.
 

djcullgirl

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i just found a video on "avoidant personality disorder" and i felt a deep deep dread in my gut, and when i started watching i immediately started disassociating... sigh.
 

Wannabewizard

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You can learn to associate over time with exposure therapy, what ever that may mean for you. An example for me is, I began to play some (mild) scary horror games to conquer fear. I am in control and I can always close my eyes If I have to. If you close your eyes all the time it's probably too much lol.
I had to have the right mindset to do it, like its just a game, it can't really hurt me, I have been through worse or whatever. This is not the same as not caring which goes negative fast. Take a break and come back to it.
And people ptsd is real, two legged predators are the worst, the most unpredicable and savage.

The more you know the better armed you are, if you know the original trauma it may help, as it differentiates from the layers that build up on it over time. It may not be in the order you expect, but the order you need.
I would seriously consider getting a competent shaman or someone familiar with the Psilocybin mushrooms to gradually peel back the layers. Its like lifting a paving slab and finding ants freaking out at the giant that has just unearthed them. A little at a time, its a journey. not a race. It can seem to be needed to hurry but I find pressure makes it worse.
I also found Kratom to be a very useful plant to aid in my recovery, but you do have to be careful it is still an opiate. I dont think Kratom can actually kill you, but there is the potential for dependency. I used it to gest tasks done, and it provided a great mindfullnes while doing so.

I joke about escaping in that way, I would like to. Your one up if your able bodied, some of us only have wheels and will.
Nature it a healer and the best place for mediation. Stay warm dry and hydrated, have a change of socks and simple comforts, basically simple Ray Mears/Bear Grills teritory.
I wanted to do similar...until I found out about my body pains. So in a way I find it admirable.

I have no clue what to say about the energies flying about the place, but I feel strongly what is happening and try to point it out to the Muggles, who don't seem to appreciate it.
'Global warming/cooling exhaust gases ect'. No, it's the sun and natural cycles, you can't change it, only wait it out. Not popular :)

Oh yes, acceleration for sure, I can feel it, time is all over the place. Impossibly long and short days, feels worse when it's darker and you dont see the sun, but that has a lot to do with the 'funny' clouds, (sky spray) 5g and so on.
Actually matches bits of what I recall from Revalation, as if it didn't get a boost, everything gets wiped out.
The positive to this is that the, err, 'eccentric' characters ( like us:ROFLMAO: ) get a boost being predestined along a clear path. It's like a RPG video game.

Personally I think recovery from all forms of bullying is to regain your power a little at a time. Reduce the potential for attacks and gain confidence. Combine spiritual and physical protection. Know that there is no hell and that God is not angry with you.
 

Baranova Alya

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Hi, I read your story with the help of a translator, but I hope I understood your request correctly. Do you want to use magic to help yourself out of this hole? My advice to you is to start small, with yourself. To fight a big evil, you need to have a huge force, and make a huge number of events to play out in your direction, it is a very complex process, and a set of rituals. There is no magic wand that will solve all problems at once. I advise you to start with practices that will fill you with your personal power, give you the energy to carry rituals on it. Also at this time, it is necessary to work out connections with the Gods, which you consider close to yourself. In my life I asked for patronage, and take under my wing Slavic Gods, who is closer to you, only you know. Perhaps if you are in the mountains, if I understand correctly, you should try to get in touch with the elements. Spirits of wind, water, fire, earth, very strong. Through them you can restore yourself. If you are interested, let me know, and I will tell you some rituals, as we do in Russia.
 

djcullgirl

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No, this is just a journal. I have few places i can thread together the existential dread, my spiritual ponderings, and whatever else i want, without parts of it being inappropriate for some reason or another. Only place i can find people who both can relate to my journey and may be able to provide perspective
 

Wannabewizard

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Hi, I read your story with the help of a translator, but I hope I understood your request correctly. Do you want to use magic to help yourself out of this hole? My advice to you is to start small, with yourself. To fight a big evil, you need to have a huge force, and make a huge number of events to play out in your direction, it is a very complex process, and a set of rituals. There is no magic wand that will solve all problems at once. I advise you to start with practices that will fill you with your personal power, give you the energy to carry rituals on it. Also at this time, it is necessary to work out connections with the Gods, which you consider close to yourself. In my life I asked for patronage, and take under my wing Slavic Gods, who is closer to you, only you know. Perhaps if you are in the mountains, if I understand correctly, you should try to get in touch with the elements. Spirits of wind, water, fire, earth, very strong. Through them you can restore yourself. If you are interested, let me know, and I will tell you some rituals, as we do in Russia.
I don't want to intrude on someones journal, but I would be interested to hear about what you have to say about elemental power if you would like to post it somewhere. Sounds very useful. I think a lot of us could use help in taking back power to heal trauma.
 

Baranova Alya

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I don't want to intrude on someones journal, but I would be interested to hear about what you have to say about elemental power if you would like to post it somewhere. Sounds very useful. I think a lot of us could use help in taking back power to heal trauma.
Hi! Sure, in my spare time this weekend I'll try to create a thread on gaining powers, and I'll describe some practices with the elements, and post them in the witchcraft thread
 
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