I met a very interesting woman. One that, for the first time ever is superior to me. And better than me. I mean in terms of magic, occultism, being. I think if I would try anything funny I would meet my end swiftly.
2 years ago I realised I needed a guide. A mentor. I did many things, but couldn't found one. It came during meditation and certain other things I did that many issues I had was for the lack of guidance. And that I need discipline and someone to hold me accountable. Because of all the potential I have and energy, that is often being wasted and not properly directed.
One time even, during a spontaneous OBE I think I encountered something and asked it to be my mentor but was swiftly refused. I tried a lot and yearned for it. During a dream too, I even got on my knees and asked for it to make me its student. But was kicked out of the dream into a nasty sleep paralysis episode.
A bit of a backstory, I hate authority. I opposed it all my live. And I don't mean a quiet sentence spoken under my breath but actually.
It caused me so many problems in school and my job life. Teachers denounced me and more often than not expulsion was in the room. But because of our laws that very clearly states that children are entitled to education they could not throw me out unless I was acting criminal
Later in life I was fired from so many jobs because I could not accept any authority. 5 at least.
Because they all were weak. Beneath me. Mentally, physically and spiritually. They had enormous egos, short temper and it was easy for me to make them break character. Lose their nerves, make themselves look foolish. How they even got into a position of authority in the first place was beyond me.
It is a natural ability of mine to sniff out weak leaders. As I'm a Kshatriya. And don't think it's one sided. I hold myself to a ridiculous high standard. I'm my own Tyrant, Rockefeller Mindset.
But I realised that for further growth and to fulfill my Dharma I needed a Master. A mentor. This is why I worship Ishtar, who is responsible for turning men into kings if they are strong enough, or to turn them into women, if they aren't up for it.
And for the last years the only thing I could think of was to find someone who can teach me. Who is better than me. But never found someone. Me, who resisted any form of authority his whole life.
Until a few days ago. I met her online and the first time I heard her voice something changed in me. She sounded exactly like my Daimon. The tone, the way her sentences are structured and this underlying authority in her voice. This self assurance. This calm superiority. And I was immediately hooked. She never lost this. Even during argument. Well as others argued with her. Threw insults at her and all. It was a scene that would break half of you. If you already think I'm a Nazi and asshole, those guys make me look like a crystal emily that waves trans flags.
We talked about esoteric and occult topics and she was able to add unto it. I often leave out stuff to see if the other person can add on it and she was the first who did so. Not just that, but she said exactly what I was about to say. And she said things I wasn't even aware of. And the way she conversed with me. As if she knew what I was thinking. I genuinely never had this in my life.
As we talked privately she said "Well seems like you were the one I'm supposed to find" and I couldn't even answer properly.
We spoke for a few more minutes and she said "You are being Neurotic. Stop that" and I was taken aback. I defaulted to a submissive "Yes I will" and almost added "Ma'am" to it. I never had this in life either. She triggered my swadisthana too from simple talking. Usually it only triggers during romance or similar.
I told her "I need a strong hand to guide me" and she didn't laugh, smirked or anything and said in the exact same tone "You have found it now".
I was not able to view her, but she viewed me. I didn't felt it happening. I don't know if it was telepathic but she read me. Like actually. And for the first time I felt superiority. Not fear. But superiority over me. This person is above me. I did no attempt to hide anything. She could see anything if she wanted to and my attempts at hiding were nothing to her.
And spoke frankly. She did never lose composure. She never had an egregore talking through her. Like so many others have. I did probe her like how I probe people to see if they are weak but it shattered completely. She had no ego either. Like this was insane. If she put on a mask or played a role, this was the best role someone ever played. Like seriously. I'm not a naive new ager.
She said Saturn is her God. Like she worships Saturn. And I often hear people say something like that but with her I really felt it.
It all feels surreal. And this is coming from someone that builds alternate realities during meditations. It feels surreal because for the last 2 years I worked tirelessly to receive a Master. To have someone I can subordinate myself to. Because no one wanted me or was adequate enough. And now it actually came.
I asked her if there is anything I can or should do for her. No. Only to keep doing what I would do anyway. She will contact me.
I feel happy. But also kinda fearful. Because it worked. I send out the call and someone or something answered it. And potently at that. I wonder if she knows I post this here.
I don't know where to go from here. Because if I would actually ask her to be my Master or Mentor/ Guide I would place a lot of pressure on her she might not even want. But on the other hand she let me know that she was looking for someone and I'm this apparently. There is also the chance she is manipulating me. But what if I want to be manipulated? I said it before that I'm into femdom, and this is the purest expression of that.
How can I be a worthy student/ subordinate to her? I don't want to fuck this up. Because I never met someone like her and I don't think I ever will again.
However just that this happened alone is great. That people like this exist. That can subdue me without even trying. Naturally. This means I can improve, become better and more than what I am. I hope that she will guide me. And make a good man out of me. To make me the king I'm destined to be.
2 years ago I realised I needed a guide. A mentor. I did many things, but couldn't found one. It came during meditation and certain other things I did that many issues I had was for the lack of guidance. And that I need discipline and someone to hold me accountable. Because of all the potential I have and energy, that is often being wasted and not properly directed.
One time even, during a spontaneous OBE I think I encountered something and asked it to be my mentor but was swiftly refused. I tried a lot and yearned for it. During a dream too, I even got on my knees and asked for it to make me its student. But was kicked out of the dream into a nasty sleep paralysis episode.
A bit of a backstory, I hate authority. I opposed it all my live. And I don't mean a quiet sentence spoken under my breath but actually.
It caused me so many problems in school and my job life. Teachers denounced me and more often than not expulsion was in the room. But because of our laws that very clearly states that children are entitled to education they could not throw me out unless I was acting criminal
Later in life I was fired from so many jobs because I could not accept any authority. 5 at least.
Because they all were weak. Beneath me. Mentally, physically and spiritually. They had enormous egos, short temper and it was easy for me to make them break character. Lose their nerves, make themselves look foolish. How they even got into a position of authority in the first place was beyond me.
It is a natural ability of mine to sniff out weak leaders. As I'm a Kshatriya. And don't think it's one sided. I hold myself to a ridiculous high standard. I'm my own Tyrant, Rockefeller Mindset.
But I realised that for further growth and to fulfill my Dharma I needed a Master. A mentor. This is why I worship Ishtar, who is responsible for turning men into kings if they are strong enough, or to turn them into women, if they aren't up for it.
And for the last years the only thing I could think of was to find someone who can teach me. Who is better than me. But never found someone. Me, who resisted any form of authority his whole life.
Until a few days ago. I met her online and the first time I heard her voice something changed in me. She sounded exactly like my Daimon. The tone, the way her sentences are structured and this underlying authority in her voice. This self assurance. This calm superiority. And I was immediately hooked. She never lost this. Even during argument. Well as others argued with her. Threw insults at her and all. It was a scene that would break half of you. If you already think I'm a Nazi and asshole, those guys make me look like a crystal emily that waves trans flags.
We talked about esoteric and occult topics and she was able to add unto it. I often leave out stuff to see if the other person can add on it and she was the first who did so. Not just that, but she said exactly what I was about to say. And she said things I wasn't even aware of. And the way she conversed with me. As if she knew what I was thinking. I genuinely never had this in my life.
As we talked privately she said "Well seems like you were the one I'm supposed to find" and I couldn't even answer properly.
We spoke for a few more minutes and she said "You are being Neurotic. Stop that" and I was taken aback. I defaulted to a submissive "Yes I will" and almost added "Ma'am" to it. I never had this in life either. She triggered my swadisthana too from simple talking. Usually it only triggers during romance or similar.
I told her "I need a strong hand to guide me" and she didn't laugh, smirked or anything and said in the exact same tone "You have found it now".
I was not able to view her, but she viewed me. I didn't felt it happening. I don't know if it was telepathic but she read me. Like actually. And for the first time I felt superiority. Not fear. But superiority over me. This person is above me. I did no attempt to hide anything. She could see anything if she wanted to and my attempts at hiding were nothing to her.
And spoke frankly. She did never lose composure. She never had an egregore talking through her. Like so many others have. I did probe her like how I probe people to see if they are weak but it shattered completely. She had no ego either. Like this was insane. If she put on a mask or played a role, this was the best role someone ever played. Like seriously. I'm not a naive new ager.
She said Saturn is her God. Like she worships Saturn. And I often hear people say something like that but with her I really felt it.
It all feels surreal. And this is coming from someone that builds alternate realities during meditations. It feels surreal because for the last 2 years I worked tirelessly to receive a Master. To have someone I can subordinate myself to. Because no one wanted me or was adequate enough. And now it actually came.
I asked her if there is anything I can or should do for her. No. Only to keep doing what I would do anyway. She will contact me.
I feel happy. But also kinda fearful. Because it worked. I send out the call and someone or something answered it. And potently at that. I wonder if she knows I post this here.
I don't know where to go from here. Because if I would actually ask her to be my Master or Mentor/ Guide I would place a lot of pressure on her she might not even want. But on the other hand she let me know that she was looking for someone and I'm this apparently. There is also the chance she is manipulating me. But what if I want to be manipulated? I said it before that I'm into femdom, and this is the purest expression of that.
How can I be a worthy student/ subordinate to her? I don't want to fuck this up. Because I never met someone like her and I don't think I ever will again.
However just that this happened alone is great. That people like this exist. That can subdue me without even trying. Naturally. This means I can improve, become better and more than what I am. I hope that she will guide me. And make a good man out of me. To make me the king I'm destined to be.
