Meditation Crossroad of Fear & Sleep

[darangal]

I have reached a point in my practice where I need to consistently maintain a certain amount of wakefulness at all times or my mind finds itself plagued with thoughts of mindless fear and body is beset by unpleasant sensations. I am guided at times by Lilith who is ruthless, compassionate, patient, unpredictable, and a great help when I consistently apply myself to my disciplines.

My practices range from reading, studying, meditation, journaling, exercise, proper diet, and actively observing my body and mind as I interact with the world and my fellow man.

When I do muster up the will to meet my obligations to my path I feel fulfilled at times and I am not consumed by the thoughts or sensations that would under other circumstances inflict unnecessary suffering, falling into a pit of despair, or being consumed by anxiety.

I feel lost. I do have purpose in the pursuit of my discipline but I yearn for something more.

Dear reader if you have knowledge of my path or helpful advice I will gladly accept it.
I want to move forward but I seem to be stuck where I am. Perhaps that is for the best, I do not know.
I believe that outside perspective can only help me acquire bearings if not produce a palpable goal that will spur me onward.

 

[Xenophon]

As a practice, you could try setting aside time---say once a week---to sit down with the "mindless fear" and bodily sensations that plague you. Get to know these close up. Being on a ship in a storm is an excellent exercise, though things like that are hard to schedule. The point is, you want to be in a situation with that which is at the least highly unpleasant and with nowhere to run. My sister assures me childbirth is another such experience. Or, turn it down a notch, read David Foster Wallace's extended meditations on the angst boredom in "The Pale King."

Without some such experiences, one remains prey to his plagues.

 

[IllusiveOwl]

I believe I understand what you are describing. I've had many experiences of terror and fear, looking at things in perspective, and there have been many times where I felt I was scared by the behavior & logic of everyone around me, even those closest to me, not because I couldn't understand, but because it was so... childish and sick. It is a part of development that as you grow, things around you shrink. This can be a frightening process. Detaching from physical pain and sensations are much harder than mental anguish, so it's good to start there.

To receive calm and rest is a blessing, some of the peace given during meditation has been like Soma or Mana from the Source.

I can't make you relax and still your mind, but I can offer some mantras and wisdom that's worked for me:

As a primer to make these mantras work, you need to understand that thoughts and feelings do not exist objectively. All around you are things, nowhere joining them will you see stress. (I understand they may exist in subtler forms, but if you want to go down that route you'll need Psychic Alchemy on top of this) To be with yourself objectively, you need to be in the moment and take in only your senses, to do this you stay with the breath.

To stay with your breath and from thoughts/emotions, you use mantra to wake yourself up and remind your wordless objective self of truth, only until you feel "safe" enough to let them go and exist with no thoughts.

Some mantra: "Climb no ladder, and you will have no worry of falling. Sit and stop climbing. Just for five minutes, peace... peace... peace...:
"You are in control of how you feel about feelings. Choose to be calm, do not panic, do not despair. Do not hate. Nurture your pain, love your feelings like a compassionate mother."
"If I empty the filth from my bowl, it will be clean, I will have nothing to worry about. Empty the bowl. Keep the bowl empty."

These are reminders for when you get distracted from focusing on your breath. Staying on the breath, you will relax and calm down in ways you didn't even know were possible. You will discover more layers of just how tense you actually are.

 

[Jackson]

You probably need an actual teacher actual teacher in Qigong or something, which as an energy art I could only assume a has a technnique for actually managing these affairs. "Sensations", corresponding to energy, are exacerbated by heightened states of awareness as producing them; without deciding to look for a teacher, I don't actually know what to do about them except stop what I am doing and let them subside, if they are an issue. I can't speak to "mindless" fear unless you already had mental health issues.

While I am sure there are meditative practitioners here, of which I have some experience, this is a at base a basic occult forum... I don't know what "point" of practice one "needs" to continue rather than break. If I have a heightened state of energy, I don't expect it's associated problems to subside by continuing blindly. I don't know what you're doing, and you don't sound like you do either, or you might better articulate the mindless fear.

 

[Xenophon]

You probably need an actual teacher actual teacher in Qigong or something, which as an energy art I could only assume a has a technnique for actually managing these affairs. "Sensations", corresponding to energy, are exacerbated by heightened states of awareness as producing them; without deciding to look for a teacher, I don't actually know what to do about them except stop what I am doing and let them subside, if they are an issue. I can't speak to "mindless" fear unless you already had mental health issues.

While I am sure there are meditative practitioners here, of which I have some experience, this is a at base a basic occult forum... I don't know what "point" of practice one "needs" to continue rather than break. If I have a heightened state of energy, I don't expect it's associated problems to subside by continuing blindly. I don't know what you're doing, and you don't sound like you do either, or you might better articulate the mindless fear.

Have you tried Qigong for this?

 

[darangal]

My biggest problem at this point is medical. I had Covid last year and it fucking destroyed my health.

My lung capacity decreased by half or more, my nervous system has been considerably altered as well. I had some successful rehabilitation with exercise but I have no doubt the impact of this disease has diminished my mental capability extensively. I am constantly experiencing some degree of brain fog and significantly weakened my willpower.

I've made relatively poor decisions regarding my health and I suspect if I spend a solid 3 months on rehab with diet, exercise, and plenty of rest I should be in a much better position to articulate. I need to get my body and mind right before I can earnestly pursue a spiritual practice.

I have done basic qi gong exercises in the past but not recently. It is an excellent idea.

 

[Jackson]

Have you tried Qigong for this?

I can use Qigong to excite energy. I don't know how to use it to calm it down. I can only assume a specialist would have experience in being able to, and doesn't necessarily suffer sleep issues when they excite the energy.

If darangal does it out of the blue without someone who really knows it, he may not fare much better than I did. Movements excite energy, they don't by default calm it down. By himself I wouldn't by default except it to help him. He already has excited energy. He will just increase it.