- Joined
- Sep 22, 2024
- Messages
- 13
- Reaction score
- 15
TW: poverty, police violence, all kinds of shit. beware.
First of all, I'd like to dedicate this post, and all I ever accomplish in this life or another, and all the love I will ever know, to my fallen comrades. Rest In Peace, my loves. And to the spirits who have guided me thus far, and will cross my path in the future. Thank you, i look forward to a long and prosperous life fufilling my highest will in thy honor. Blessed be.
Well, I suppose this is the obligatory journal entry. Gosh where to start... I suppose i will start by saying that in my thirties, i have finally successfully freed myself from the bondage of opioid addiction, after approximately ten years of trying fairly consistently, with all kinds of barriers along the way (clearly)
In 2019... i think.... (it was beginning of covid) I lost the closest friend ive ever had,one of the most loyal, golden hearted, brave,, strong people to ever grace the face of this earth, when he was murdered by the police, who had attempted on his life several times. He was the most loyal companion anyone could have, loyal to a fault in the end.
Much of my spiritual journey revolves around him, or my karma is so intrinsically tied to these events, knowing him, having the honor of brotherhood with him, to witness his struggle and his strength. When i lost him he was yet another in many, many close friends we've lost to fentanyl. My community, a global and continental network of nomads, train hoppers, punk rockers, folk punks, hobos, revolutionaries (few and far between, but i speak of one now), anarchists, graffiti artists, and all other sorts. So, all in all, my type of people tend to have higher casualty rates.
But my roots with this one are deeper than blood. When he died, i said to myself theres onlly two possible moves here.
Either i commit suicide.
Or i get clean, once and for all, after trying for god knows how many years. I'd been on and off of opiates, transitioning to fentanyl with the rest of canada, since the age of 16, or maybe barely 17. I have always been aware my experience of reality tends to differ from others, experiencing deja vu, intuition, psychedelia (thats another story), etc
But at this point, i had nothing to lose. i endured the most difficult cold turkey detox of my life, almost died of dehydration, and barely made it out the other side. Around this time, and around every time i get off drugs, is a major transformative and spiritual time for me.
So one week from today, I celebrate 1 year clean. I have truly been through hell and back thrice. I can not understate, but i know many will know of the suffering i speak, when i say i have experienced and witnessed untold trauma and horror. And i always was by far the highest risk for death or incarceration, of which i have mostly complletely avoided, and its become apparent im going to be one of the last ones standing of my peer group, of which there are only the most hardcore of veterans, and at this age most of which, because the rest havent survived, are either entering or long been on a healing path, and i get to hach these fierce people survive, and it inspires me so fucking much.
The only thing keeping me alive, is that i know to some, I am that fierce person. To those who truly know me, know my pain, and know my heart, i know i could be the only thing keeping them alive, and i cant live without them.
Id like to take the chance to thank the shining lights in my life, who protect me when i am weak, and nurse me back to strength. Without you, I never would have made it here.
When I successfullly got clean after my brother passed, I took a breakthrough dose of DMT on a beach with a certified alchemist/wizard type, after wrecking my car for the first time ever (also the first time driving stone cold, no devils lettuce or anything, sober) in the middlle of the night and peacing out in a taxi, i prayed for healing, to emerge victorious in a court case that pivoted around falsified evidence, and jokingly, like wishing for a pet unicorn, to heal my ptsd
Next thing i know (affter a series of events) im made of light, floating above a planet that i intuitivelly know is not earth. But nothing is psychedelic, just different. Different rock formations, etc. My body is forming geometric shapes, which i intuitively know is akin to a mandala, but is a form of yoga. for llight beings or something, idk. downward dog wasnt cool enough. Anyways.
A beam of light appears (!)
in that moment it invites me to commune with it, which i graciouslly accept (ok i dove right in that *********** ***** ***** and ****** * * *)
I download a series of messages, instantlly but with time to process it as i receive it
"first of all, you're going to beat your court case"
HALLELUJAH! AMEN!!!! i feell like i just had the weight of the world llifted from my shoulders, im as happy as i could be.
"BUT! If you do end up going to prison, just know, Its all part of the divine plan....
"the divine wwhat..... wait.... so am i going to prison or not....."
"wwhatever happens, its all a part of the plan"
"what .."
"and you're gonna heal your addiction, and ptsd"
now, i feel the weight of a thousand universes lift from my heart. Its like my heart has become light, or the void.
Im blessed with a wave of healing energy as i shoot like a canon ball or a rocket ( a typical experience when exiting malkuth after smoking dmt) straight up, in a jump for joy, and i shoot way out in to the deep dark primordial depths of space and let out the deepest primal scream i have ever mustered. But out of joy, and relief, and thanks, and respect. And i see the stars, and tthe fabric of the universe itself, shake from my triumphant roar. As the stars stop their vibrating, i instantly tuck in to a ball, and bow in a manner i had never conciously perceivved before, but where im sitting cross legged with my elbows forming a square angle so my crown touches the ground, fists on the floor, as a sign of complete submission to a master, or the deepest of respect to the OG of this shit.
As i do this, I rocket back down towards the planet i was meditating on, like a giant meteorite shot out of a 12 gage barrel of cosmic porportions, smashing the planet in to peaces with the force of my utter gratitude.
The time after that, it was the hardest thing ive ever experienced. Enduring the unending well of trauma and grief that id bottled up since likely the moment my heart beat, or perhaps my first breath. Supporting my other brother, a practicing Thelemist, and my girlfirned, as they relapse in my bachelore suite (more on the apartment another time)
I had my head kicked in by the police in an assassination attempt after that too.
Then, my mom happened.
Unbeknownst to me, my mom had a bad case of covert narcissism. I have come to understand, it comes from her (being a single mother, and a lesbian in the nineties before it was ok) that it was her overbearing motherly vibes, her own inherent identity as a mother, and a very loving one, it was her motherly instincts that ultimately caused her to splinter, allowing her ID or ego to protect her subconcious mind or vice versa, because she witnessed me be systematically abused by the school system, and she couldnt tolerate an existence where she stood by and did nothing, so she disassociated. And, now that shes in her fifties, those behaviour patterns have manifested in her shadow self taking full control.
She decided to tell me shes suicidal, had bought a device to peacefully leave this realm, will signed and everything, knowing the position i was in.
I relapsed and it was almost four years before i got back on my feet. I almost died of depression, ,y immune system shut down.
Meanwwhile i kept wondering, why would she do this to me? no one i know wwho has commit suicide, has EVER, EVER made a big scene out of it. I have felt a desire to cease existing on earth, no matter what waits on the other side, my wwhole life. You dont see me making a scene about it every fucking time things seem to big to handle. And i certainly would have the empathy and compassion to be aware when is a bad time to do something to someone.
in fact the ONLY reason i dont, is cuz i know people who inspire me would be heart broken, and i could never inflict the suffering i have endured on to a person i care about.
So i had to ask myself if she did it intentionally.
not a thing you want to think, its shitty. reallly shitty.
i started learning about narcissism, after some information crossed my path (as the right information tends to at the right times) and i started digesting the info, all the while thinking this alll seems familiar
but i was dependent on her at this point, i was an inch away from death many many times, from malnutrition, lack of sleep (i was having extreme extreme night terrors)
but when i was prepared to get clean again, my gut told me "yo bitch, smarten the fuck up. this bitch is scheming, fosho. better watch that snake and be ready to cut."
i thought to myself "if ive learned anything about narcisism, i bet she will up the ante. damn... ir eally dont even want to think about waht that could be..."
needlless to say, she did. I survived this time though, being prepared.
The last year, since i got clean, has been the hardest, worst year of my life.
But now, finally, after being oppressed and systematically held back because the power within me threatens the powers that be, ive been forged in fire and im ready to reclaim the love and llight that is rightfully mine.
I am months new from taking ritual occultism seriously, after a series of events i will save for another time.
I love you all, blessed be, and thank you for sharing this experience with me
ps: i thought i had lost this post in entirety, thank you thank you thank you for implementing a draft autosave!
Ok i wrote that last night around 3 am. I have carpal tunnel, and sever ADD, and internet is unstable.
I will try my best, as an act of devotion as well as for my own personal growth, to keep this journal active. but i know i will have a hard time keeping up with everything id like to add, as long as my magickal journey keeps moving at this pace.
I just replaced my previous tarot deck with a Thoth deck, after not having a deck for some months. I was researching the various differences between the two reading methods and i stumbled upon a website run by a thelemist.
At this point in my life (as always) i was going through a lot of very very dark stuff, and the website automatically drew a spread for me, and it was very very vvery accurate. so i just finally after six months or so got around to buying a deck, and my first reading was,.,..... intense to say the least.
ill have to write about it later, but lets just say im through the dark and its only divine light from here, with Apollo and Hekate guiding the way.
Its nice being told by someone who has the inside scoop, even though you knew in your heart all along, that things would turn out good in the end. I'm glad ive hung in there this whole time.
it wwas only in the last 300 days that i said for the first time, and i meant it, "today, im happy to be alive."
it felt so alien to me, its like id stepped in to another universe.
Im happy to be alive. Today. Now. Tomorrow. No matter what life brings me, i know im strong enough to overcome, and if i dont, it means ive passed on somewhere better, and since ive seen the other side, i know it is a better place. But ive always known i had a ppurpose, but had absolutely no idea if id ever get to discover it....
For those in the darkness, Hang in there. The sun always rises eventually, and i tell you, that first feeling of sun on your skin is something to cherish.
First of all, I'd like to dedicate this post, and all I ever accomplish in this life or another, and all the love I will ever know, to my fallen comrades. Rest In Peace, my loves. And to the spirits who have guided me thus far, and will cross my path in the future. Thank you, i look forward to a long and prosperous life fufilling my highest will in thy honor. Blessed be.
Well, I suppose this is the obligatory journal entry. Gosh where to start... I suppose i will start by saying that in my thirties, i have finally successfully freed myself from the bondage of opioid addiction, after approximately ten years of trying fairly consistently, with all kinds of barriers along the way (clearly)
In 2019... i think.... (it was beginning of covid) I lost the closest friend ive ever had,one of the most loyal, golden hearted, brave,, strong people to ever grace the face of this earth, when he was murdered by the police, who had attempted on his life several times. He was the most loyal companion anyone could have, loyal to a fault in the end.
Much of my spiritual journey revolves around him, or my karma is so intrinsically tied to these events, knowing him, having the honor of brotherhood with him, to witness his struggle and his strength. When i lost him he was yet another in many, many close friends we've lost to fentanyl. My community, a global and continental network of nomads, train hoppers, punk rockers, folk punks, hobos, revolutionaries (few and far between, but i speak of one now), anarchists, graffiti artists, and all other sorts. So, all in all, my type of people tend to have higher casualty rates.
But my roots with this one are deeper than blood. When he died, i said to myself theres onlly two possible moves here.
Either i commit suicide.
Or i get clean, once and for all, after trying for god knows how many years. I'd been on and off of opiates, transitioning to fentanyl with the rest of canada, since the age of 16, or maybe barely 17. I have always been aware my experience of reality tends to differ from others, experiencing deja vu, intuition, psychedelia (thats another story), etc
But at this point, i had nothing to lose. i endured the most difficult cold turkey detox of my life, almost died of dehydration, and barely made it out the other side. Around this time, and around every time i get off drugs, is a major transformative and spiritual time for me.
So one week from today, I celebrate 1 year clean. I have truly been through hell and back thrice. I can not understate, but i know many will know of the suffering i speak, when i say i have experienced and witnessed untold trauma and horror. And i always was by far the highest risk for death or incarceration, of which i have mostly complletely avoided, and its become apparent im going to be one of the last ones standing of my peer group, of which there are only the most hardcore of veterans, and at this age most of which, because the rest havent survived, are either entering or long been on a healing path, and i get to hach these fierce people survive, and it inspires me so fucking much.
The only thing keeping me alive, is that i know to some, I am that fierce person. To those who truly know me, know my pain, and know my heart, i know i could be the only thing keeping them alive, and i cant live without them.
Id like to take the chance to thank the shining lights in my life, who protect me when i am weak, and nurse me back to strength. Without you, I never would have made it here.
When I successfullly got clean after my brother passed, I took a breakthrough dose of DMT on a beach with a certified alchemist/wizard type, after wrecking my car for the first time ever (also the first time driving stone cold, no devils lettuce or anything, sober) in the middlle of the night and peacing out in a taxi, i prayed for healing, to emerge victorious in a court case that pivoted around falsified evidence, and jokingly, like wishing for a pet unicorn, to heal my ptsd
Next thing i know (affter a series of events) im made of light, floating above a planet that i intuitivelly know is not earth. But nothing is psychedelic, just different. Different rock formations, etc. My body is forming geometric shapes, which i intuitively know is akin to a mandala, but is a form of yoga. for llight beings or something, idk. downward dog wasnt cool enough. Anyways.
A beam of light appears (!)
in that moment it invites me to commune with it, which i graciouslly accept (ok i dove right in that *********** ***** ***** and ****** * * *)
I download a series of messages, instantlly but with time to process it as i receive it
"first of all, you're going to beat your court case"
HALLELUJAH! AMEN!!!! i feell like i just had the weight of the world llifted from my shoulders, im as happy as i could be.
"BUT! If you do end up going to prison, just know, Its all part of the divine plan....
"the divine wwhat..... wait.... so am i going to prison or not....."
"wwhatever happens, its all a part of the plan"
"what .."
"and you're gonna heal your addiction, and ptsd"
now, i feel the weight of a thousand universes lift from my heart. Its like my heart has become light, or the void.
Im blessed with a wave of healing energy as i shoot like a canon ball or a rocket ( a typical experience when exiting malkuth after smoking dmt) straight up, in a jump for joy, and i shoot way out in to the deep dark primordial depths of space and let out the deepest primal scream i have ever mustered. But out of joy, and relief, and thanks, and respect. And i see the stars, and tthe fabric of the universe itself, shake from my triumphant roar. As the stars stop their vibrating, i instantly tuck in to a ball, and bow in a manner i had never conciously perceivved before, but where im sitting cross legged with my elbows forming a square angle so my crown touches the ground, fists on the floor, as a sign of complete submission to a master, or the deepest of respect to the OG of this shit.
As i do this, I rocket back down towards the planet i was meditating on, like a giant meteorite shot out of a 12 gage barrel of cosmic porportions, smashing the planet in to peaces with the force of my utter gratitude.
The time after that, it was the hardest thing ive ever experienced. Enduring the unending well of trauma and grief that id bottled up since likely the moment my heart beat, or perhaps my first breath. Supporting my other brother, a practicing Thelemist, and my girlfirned, as they relapse in my bachelore suite (more on the apartment another time)
I had my head kicked in by the police in an assassination attempt after that too.
Then, my mom happened.
Unbeknownst to me, my mom had a bad case of covert narcissism. I have come to understand, it comes from her (being a single mother, and a lesbian in the nineties before it was ok) that it was her overbearing motherly vibes, her own inherent identity as a mother, and a very loving one, it was her motherly instincts that ultimately caused her to splinter, allowing her ID or ego to protect her subconcious mind or vice versa, because she witnessed me be systematically abused by the school system, and she couldnt tolerate an existence where she stood by and did nothing, so she disassociated. And, now that shes in her fifties, those behaviour patterns have manifested in her shadow self taking full control.
She decided to tell me shes suicidal, had bought a device to peacefully leave this realm, will signed and everything, knowing the position i was in.
I relapsed and it was almost four years before i got back on my feet. I almost died of depression, ,y immune system shut down.
Meanwwhile i kept wondering, why would she do this to me? no one i know wwho has commit suicide, has EVER, EVER made a big scene out of it. I have felt a desire to cease existing on earth, no matter what waits on the other side, my wwhole life. You dont see me making a scene about it every fucking time things seem to big to handle. And i certainly would have the empathy and compassion to be aware when is a bad time to do something to someone.
in fact the ONLY reason i dont, is cuz i know people who inspire me would be heart broken, and i could never inflict the suffering i have endured on to a person i care about.
So i had to ask myself if she did it intentionally.
not a thing you want to think, its shitty. reallly shitty.
i started learning about narcissism, after some information crossed my path (as the right information tends to at the right times) and i started digesting the info, all the while thinking this alll seems familiar
but i was dependent on her at this point, i was an inch away from death many many times, from malnutrition, lack of sleep (i was having extreme extreme night terrors)
but when i was prepared to get clean again, my gut told me "yo bitch, smarten the fuck up. this bitch is scheming, fosho. better watch that snake and be ready to cut."
i thought to myself "if ive learned anything about narcisism, i bet she will up the ante. damn... ir eally dont even want to think about waht that could be..."
needlless to say, she did. I survived this time though, being prepared.
The last year, since i got clean, has been the hardest, worst year of my life.
But now, finally, after being oppressed and systematically held back because the power within me threatens the powers that be, ive been forged in fire and im ready to reclaim the love and llight that is rightfully mine.
I am months new from taking ritual occultism seriously, after a series of events i will save for another time.
I love you all, blessed be, and thank you for sharing this experience with me
ps: i thought i had lost this post in entirety, thank you thank you thank you for implementing a draft autosave!
Post automatically merged:
Ok i wrote that last night around 3 am. I have carpal tunnel, and sever ADD, and internet is unstable.
I will try my best, as an act of devotion as well as for my own personal growth, to keep this journal active. but i know i will have a hard time keeping up with everything id like to add, as long as my magickal journey keeps moving at this pace.
I just replaced my previous tarot deck with a Thoth deck, after not having a deck for some months. I was researching the various differences between the two reading methods and i stumbled upon a website run by a thelemist.
At this point in my life (as always) i was going through a lot of very very dark stuff, and the website automatically drew a spread for me, and it was very very vvery accurate. so i just finally after six months or so got around to buying a deck, and my first reading was,.,..... intense to say the least.
ill have to write about it later, but lets just say im through the dark and its only divine light from here, with Apollo and Hekate guiding the way.
Its nice being told by someone who has the inside scoop, even though you knew in your heart all along, that things would turn out good in the end. I'm glad ive hung in there this whole time.
it wwas only in the last 300 days that i said for the first time, and i meant it, "today, im happy to be alive."
it felt so alien to me, its like id stepped in to another universe.
Im happy to be alive. Today. Now. Tomorrow. No matter what life brings me, i know im strong enough to overcome, and if i dont, it means ive passed on somewhere better, and since ive seen the other side, i know it is a better place. But ive always known i had a ppurpose, but had absolutely no idea if id ever get to discover it....
For those in the darkness, Hang in there. The sun always rises eventually, and i tell you, that first feeling of sun on your skin is something to cherish.
Last edited: