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So as i have mentioned to some degree of coherence or another i have mentioned a blockage in my throat chakra. Well, its fairly easy to point to some key factors in my past that may have caused that and i just had a moment of insight that felt like a profound connection, although im not sure what the outcome is yet. this is my attempt at talking it out, because often its only when i say things out loud that i finally gain some new perspective on it.
I cant remember exactly what i was thinking about, but i made a connection between throat chakra themed psychological/psychosocial experiences ive been having and early school days, when i was tinfoil hat "diagnosed" (*1) with a written output disorder, which is true(*2). I had difficulty writing things out. I had trouble doing many math problems that required writing, it was mentally taxing kind of... look at a page and put what i think it should be... idk how to explain it. My handwriting was developing more slowly than other children. I just recalled that i also had a really hard time writing a very very short morning journal.... which was a huge power struggle in that grade (i went to more schools than grades before i dropped out in grade 8) ... anyways...
I made the connection between my throat chakra stuff and my written output. ive been thoroughly, as always, interrogating myself doing an inventory of all that i consider me. lately ive been noticing this unidentified part, or shape, of my shadow and how its been secretly influencing or masking other behaviours i have that arent serving me. even as i wrote that sentence, i was feeling thankful my prayers are being answered in that regard and went to delete it, and knew it was this feeling of shame or fear i feel.... anyways like anything school, and reality itself lol, im constantly wondering how much of it is effect and how much is affect... was this an expression of this same hidden force? What is the cause of this, if it goes so deeply, so early in life? does it fucking matter? Definitely not if i cant find a way to regulate it....
In october 2023 i finally put to use the advice i received from a booming voice regarding karaoke, and had an interesting unlocking of dormant creative energy, which ended up being the only thing that kept me alive since then shakes fist at the sky and since then, ive gone through many many events that left me feeling... alone, voiceless.... betrayed and heart broken.... and all along the way both experience divinity and despair in new dimensions and depths id ever known, emotionally and materially... I have had so many people i thought cared about me just up and leave, all starting when i got clean off fentanyl... It makes no sense, and at many times i wrestle with this hate for god... i always loved the "go to war with god himself" storylines (think john wick) and i was often joking (not really a fuckin joke though) "i swear to fucking god if i dont see my homies up in heaven, im going to stab god." at other times "when i see god hes got some fucking explaining to do or its going fucking down." - and really, i still feel that way... i feel that "why??" feeling i felt as a child, being exposed systematically to unfair or unjust treatment time and time again, not understanding why any of it is happening.. and when more and more feel like god is real, and loves me, the more i believe that this is all to strengthen me, the more i just feel betrayed.... god writing this is emotional.... and i guess i start to feel gas lit. I have to wonder if everything im told, even by myself, by god, is a fucking mindfuck of some sort....
And AGAIn here we FUCKING go
wrote the previous sentences about gaslighting, i thought to myself "maybe this your higher self, imbuing you with the skill to discern, which has protected you time and time again." and its like... fuck off. im sick of gaslighting. i just want to be sure of something besides pain and suffering... and i know i have experienced joy and love like few have the privelege... but when im in these states, and when the fucking bul;lshit doesnt stop, its so fucking hard to stay OK... And if it was some kind of test of faith or something??? well fucking test passed buddy, fuck you. time to stabby. the series of grief and trauma ive endured over the last ten years, its just fucked. Theres no excusing that, whether its something thrown at me as some kind of character building/self development exercise or an act of faith... its sick.
while i was feeling that i thought something that may excuse it....
Anyways. Back to the throat chakra.
yeah so i had this crazy unlocking of creativity, but my most authentic emanation is always going to be one that magnetizes certain energy fields in this world. I bear the witches wound, and i'm always at risk of being burned at the stake. And im tired of fighting, of screaming out. Im equally tired of inaction, of being silent. Wounded both from the effects of my visibility and invisibility. Needing to express myself in an authentic way, and be seen and hear and acknowledged, but doing so inherently puts me at risk, as my sole intent for existing is to see the systems of exploitation at violence that has killed so many of my loved ones and comrades abolished, destroyed, gutted for scrap metal, then burnt while we dance in the ashes and on its grave...
But lately, my ptsd has culminated in an inability to discern when to speak and act, and it makes me vulnerable to manipulation.... but i dont see any way through this without putting myself on blast and taking on more persecution AND honoring my heart at the same time... The only way to do that that i can see now is to have enough power and resources that i dont need to worry about shit, which will come but its hard to see the path and im sick of shit slowing me down. i got shit to do.
I can see my self esteem issues and throat chakra blockage pepper my behaviours all over the place, such as opening htis post with a self-deprecating joke trying to minimize anything i say therefore after.... i do that all the time, trying to self-silence or minimize the impact on others of my existence.... idk
this has been very rambly, im sure i forgot a couple points i wanted to make..
i just had an imagination of me and hecate and apollo sitting around a fire looking in to a portal, and im nervous but determined about to reincarnate and im feeling like "fuck em. watch this shit." and hecates like "fuck em up, go get em" "you know i believe in you, you got this gentle push" as i dive in... lol..
(*1) dont believe in the dsm-5, its invented as another tool to evaluate labour value of a human.
2 - but i recently learned that Oppositional Defiant Disorder is actually caused by unfair and inhumane treatment, especially with no clear rhyme or reason and unexpectdly. so seems like it may have been induced in me intentionally.
idk, theres more i have been wanting to share here, but this turned in to an unexpect outpouring. until next time
re: grief, pain, loss, the whys and whats of it all... and trying to justify why a benevolent creator would do this to one of their beloved children
well i was thinking about some of the feelings i express above and i came to the conclusion... maybe they are trying to help me in the process of having no attachments to the physical realm. thats why your higher self, or whatnot, puts you through all the suffering and loss and poisons any roots you have remaining in this illusional reality so you can finally break the cycle of reincarnation.. something ive been praying very hard for, for many years now....
or MAYBE im a trauma baby and love making excuses for people who wouldnt bother to themselves. who the fuck knows. all i know is i see patterns looool
I cant remember exactly what i was thinking about, but i made a connection between throat chakra themed psychological/psychosocial experiences ive been having and early school days, when i was tinfoil hat "diagnosed" (*1) with a written output disorder, which is true(*2). I had difficulty writing things out. I had trouble doing many math problems that required writing, it was mentally taxing kind of... look at a page and put what i think it should be... idk how to explain it. My handwriting was developing more slowly than other children. I just recalled that i also had a really hard time writing a very very short morning journal.... which was a huge power struggle in that grade (i went to more schools than grades before i dropped out in grade 8) ... anyways...
I made the connection between my throat chakra stuff and my written output. ive been thoroughly, as always, interrogating myself doing an inventory of all that i consider me. lately ive been noticing this unidentified part, or shape, of my shadow and how its been secretly influencing or masking other behaviours i have that arent serving me. even as i wrote that sentence, i was feeling thankful my prayers are being answered in that regard and went to delete it, and knew it was this feeling of shame or fear i feel.... anyways like anything school, and reality itself lol, im constantly wondering how much of it is effect and how much is affect... was this an expression of this same hidden force? What is the cause of this, if it goes so deeply, so early in life? does it fucking matter? Definitely not if i cant find a way to regulate it....
In october 2023 i finally put to use the advice i received from a booming voice regarding karaoke, and had an interesting unlocking of dormant creative energy, which ended up being the only thing that kept me alive since then shakes fist at the sky and since then, ive gone through many many events that left me feeling... alone, voiceless.... betrayed and heart broken.... and all along the way both experience divinity and despair in new dimensions and depths id ever known, emotionally and materially... I have had so many people i thought cared about me just up and leave, all starting when i got clean off fentanyl... It makes no sense, and at many times i wrestle with this hate for god... i always loved the "go to war with god himself" storylines (think john wick) and i was often joking (not really a fuckin joke though) "i swear to fucking god if i dont see my homies up in heaven, im going to stab god." at other times "when i see god hes got some fucking explaining to do or its going fucking down." - and really, i still feel that way... i feel that "why??" feeling i felt as a child, being exposed systematically to unfair or unjust treatment time and time again, not understanding why any of it is happening.. and when more and more feel like god is real, and loves me, the more i believe that this is all to strengthen me, the more i just feel betrayed.... god writing this is emotional.... and i guess i start to feel gas lit. I have to wonder if everything im told, even by myself, by god, is a fucking mindfuck of some sort....
And AGAIn here we FUCKING go
wrote the previous sentences about gaslighting, i thought to myself "maybe this your higher self, imbuing you with the skill to discern, which has protected you time and time again." and its like... fuck off. im sick of gaslighting. i just want to be sure of something besides pain and suffering... and i know i have experienced joy and love like few have the privelege... but when im in these states, and when the fucking bul;lshit doesnt stop, its so fucking hard to stay OK... And if it was some kind of test of faith or something??? well fucking test passed buddy, fuck you. time to stabby. the series of grief and trauma ive endured over the last ten years, its just fucked. Theres no excusing that, whether its something thrown at me as some kind of character building/self development exercise or an act of faith... its sick.
while i was feeling that i thought something that may excuse it....
Anyways. Back to the throat chakra.
yeah so i had this crazy unlocking of creativity, but my most authentic emanation is always going to be one that magnetizes certain energy fields in this world. I bear the witches wound, and i'm always at risk of being burned at the stake. And im tired of fighting, of screaming out. Im equally tired of inaction, of being silent. Wounded both from the effects of my visibility and invisibility. Needing to express myself in an authentic way, and be seen and hear and acknowledged, but doing so inherently puts me at risk, as my sole intent for existing is to see the systems of exploitation at violence that has killed so many of my loved ones and comrades abolished, destroyed, gutted for scrap metal, then burnt while we dance in the ashes and on its grave...
But lately, my ptsd has culminated in an inability to discern when to speak and act, and it makes me vulnerable to manipulation.... but i dont see any way through this without putting myself on blast and taking on more persecution AND honoring my heart at the same time... The only way to do that that i can see now is to have enough power and resources that i dont need to worry about shit, which will come but its hard to see the path and im sick of shit slowing me down. i got shit to do.
I can see my self esteem issues and throat chakra blockage pepper my behaviours all over the place, such as opening htis post with a self-deprecating joke trying to minimize anything i say therefore after.... i do that all the time, trying to self-silence or minimize the impact on others of my existence.... idk
this has been very rambly, im sure i forgot a couple points i wanted to make..
i just had an imagination of me and hecate and apollo sitting around a fire looking in to a portal, and im nervous but determined about to reincarnate and im feeling like "fuck em. watch this shit." and hecates like "fuck em up, go get em" "you know i believe in you, you got this gentle push" as i dive in... lol..
(*1) dont believe in the dsm-5, its invented as another tool to evaluate labour value of a human.
2 - but i recently learned that Oppositional Defiant Disorder is actually caused by unfair and inhumane treatment, especially with no clear rhyme or reason and unexpectdly. so seems like it may have been induced in me intentionally.
idk, theres more i have been wanting to share here, but this turned in to an unexpect outpouring. until next time
Post automatically merged:
re: grief, pain, loss, the whys and whats of it all... and trying to justify why a benevolent creator would do this to one of their beloved children
well i was thinking about some of the feelings i express above and i came to the conclusion... maybe they are trying to help me in the process of having no attachments to the physical realm. thats why your higher self, or whatnot, puts you through all the suffering and loss and poisons any roots you have remaining in this illusional reality so you can finally break the cycle of reincarnation.. something ive been praying very hard for, for many years now....
or MAYBE im a trauma baby and love making excuses for people who wouldnt bother to themselves. who the fuck knows. all i know is i see patterns looool
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