I have identified something in me, some might call this a "curse" others might say this is an "egregore". I don't know what it is exactly, but I can feel it, I understand how it works and can point to the feeling, yet I can not overcome it.
I named it the "Rot". Inspiration for it is taken from the german term "Zersetzung". Zersetzung was a psyops tactic used by the Stasi to completely destroy peoples mind from the inside, I link the wiki for anyone wanting to read up.
well this "rot" I have is doing similar. The feeling is located around my swadisthana (navel region) and vishudha chakra (neck) when its active.
In the swadisthana region it is a bland and dull feeling, like an upset stomach but it has an aura that beams around it. Like a field, as if it were blocking(?) This chakra(?) Like as if something would suddenly be inside my stomach like a stone.
And in the neck it is a distinct feeling of pulling down. As if something literally pulls the bones inside my neck down to the ground. Similar to the feeling you get shortly before falling asleep or if someone would hit you there hard.
It is pulling me down mentally and emotionally whenever I'm meant to create things too. And this is the most sinister aspect of it.
Either when working on myself or improving myself, or when I work on my career and business.
During work, when I'm about to reach a flow state it often catches me before I enter it. It pulls me down into a super negative state. It is linked to sexual energy or kundalini. Otherwise I could perhaps "march through it" but during this flow state it catches me.
Whenever I'm about to realise myself it strikes. I do notice that my thought patterns shift as well as my feelings. They become disgusting and I do feel disgusting. it's as if I'm suddenly in a completely different state of mind. And I suddenly hate everything I do. My work, working out, my goals, aspirations everything. Everything is suddenly the dumbest thing possible, bound for failure, and ridiculous. Despite it being actual things that work. Like it's turning everything around. It is super potent negativity.
And it pulls up from the depths the most negative moments or events I know. And pulls them over it. It kills my magic.
With meditation and similar I figured out many things that were the root for this, and was able to work on some, yet its effects remain. Because initially I thought this comes up because I need to work on something or resolve something. But this is going on for too long and I already worked through more than what normal people would.
I am currently not able to break through it. To strangle it like Hercules strangles the snake. It also controls aspect of sexuality and makes me want to seek out fucked up shit to masturbate to. And this is what gets me the most.
It is not making me want to have sex (like swadisthana should), but to masturbate specifically, like a little cuck. And I literally become like that stereotype of the disgusting basement dweller jerking it to hentai clips.
I don't get it. It is completely overriding everything and tells me "go on, look up [fucked up thing] and jerk to it"
I think it is like depression, but it comes in waves and peaks. Usually after meditation it subsides again. It's completely gone after it. it is like a migraine or a headache. Or as if I was being drugged for 1 or 2 hours.
And then it comes up again whenever I work on things that will make me successful or are related to realising myself. Creative work especially. I will write something, perhaps 500 words and then it comes up again. I edit something and it comes up again. I'm meant to do this or that related to my career and it comes up again. Mostly when I encounter like problems or when something doesn't work out or when I need to think on how to do certain things. it makes me want to rot away my time. Like depression. Despite me knowing I have better things to do. Hundreds of better things. It makes all of it seem pointless and the only thing that isnt is jerking off or self pitying me.
It is seriously fucking with me and I do not know what else to do. Perhaps anyone could help me please? Or knows what this is? Or had similar? Or has perhaps an idea based on different concepts?
It is just really really difficult to not get caught by it, because literally my entire self changes, I sometimes have troubles speaking and slurr, my thoughts are super negative and toxic and I get the intense desire to masturbate. My entire being is swapped. (No it isn't a stroke or anything medical) as if an aspect of me is suddenly gone.
I do have very potent sexual energy, thats why I posted it here. And I do use this energy for other things like transmuting it. Yet this shit comes up. This cant be a succubus right? Stealing my Vril energy or whatever. And I have this since ever. As a teen perhaps already. And it exclusively comes up when I do creative work or start to overthink.
Any help appreciated...
I named it the "Rot". Inspiration for it is taken from the german term "Zersetzung". Zersetzung was a psyops tactic used by the Stasi to completely destroy peoples mind from the inside, I link the wiki for anyone wanting to read up.
well this "rot" I have is doing similar. The feeling is located around my swadisthana (navel region) and vishudha chakra (neck) when its active.
In the swadisthana region it is a bland and dull feeling, like an upset stomach but it has an aura that beams around it. Like a field, as if it were blocking(?) This chakra(?) Like as if something would suddenly be inside my stomach like a stone.
And in the neck it is a distinct feeling of pulling down. As if something literally pulls the bones inside my neck down to the ground. Similar to the feeling you get shortly before falling asleep or if someone would hit you there hard.
It is pulling me down mentally and emotionally whenever I'm meant to create things too. And this is the most sinister aspect of it.
Either when working on myself or improving myself, or when I work on my career and business.
During work, when I'm about to reach a flow state it often catches me before I enter it. It pulls me down into a super negative state. It is linked to sexual energy or kundalini. Otherwise I could perhaps "march through it" but during this flow state it catches me.
Whenever I'm about to realise myself it strikes. I do notice that my thought patterns shift as well as my feelings. They become disgusting and I do feel disgusting. it's as if I'm suddenly in a completely different state of mind. And I suddenly hate everything I do. My work, working out, my goals, aspirations everything. Everything is suddenly the dumbest thing possible, bound for failure, and ridiculous. Despite it being actual things that work. Like it's turning everything around. It is super potent negativity.
And it pulls up from the depths the most negative moments or events I know. And pulls them over it. It kills my magic.
With meditation and similar I figured out many things that were the root for this, and was able to work on some, yet its effects remain. Because initially I thought this comes up because I need to work on something or resolve something. But this is going on for too long and I already worked through more than what normal people would.
I am currently not able to break through it. To strangle it like Hercules strangles the snake. It also controls aspect of sexuality and makes me want to seek out fucked up shit to masturbate to. And this is what gets me the most.
It is not making me want to have sex (like swadisthana should), but to masturbate specifically, like a little cuck. And I literally become like that stereotype of the disgusting basement dweller jerking it to hentai clips.
I don't get it. It is completely overriding everything and tells me "go on, look up [fucked up thing] and jerk to it"
I think it is like depression, but it comes in waves and peaks. Usually after meditation it subsides again. It's completely gone after it. it is like a migraine or a headache. Or as if I was being drugged for 1 or 2 hours.
And then it comes up again whenever I work on things that will make me successful or are related to realising myself. Creative work especially. I will write something, perhaps 500 words and then it comes up again. I edit something and it comes up again. I'm meant to do this or that related to my career and it comes up again. Mostly when I encounter like problems or when something doesn't work out or when I need to think on how to do certain things. it makes me want to rot away my time. Like depression. Despite me knowing I have better things to do. Hundreds of better things. It makes all of it seem pointless and the only thing that isnt is jerking off or self pitying me.
It is seriously fucking with me and I do not know what else to do. Perhaps anyone could help me please? Or knows what this is? Or had similar? Or has perhaps an idea based on different concepts?
It is just really really difficult to not get caught by it, because literally my entire self changes, I sometimes have troubles speaking and slurr, my thoughts are super negative and toxic and I get the intense desire to masturbate. My entire being is swapped. (No it isn't a stroke or anything medical) as if an aspect of me is suddenly gone.
I do have very potent sexual energy, thats why I posted it here. And I do use this energy for other things like transmuting it. Yet this shit comes up. This cant be a succubus right? Stealing my Vril energy or whatever. And I have this since ever. As a teen perhaps already. And it exclusively comes up when I do creative work or start to overthink.
Any help appreciated...
