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This will probably be my last post here, at least for a while (I won't be locking my account or anything). Significant projects are going to require a big energy push if I want them out into the world and I won't have much time for a few months now. My spiritual life also underwent an upheaval last summer and some of those seeds seem to be blooming at the moment. I feel less and less able to identify with the rafts that got me to this side of the river and more interested in crossing the next river(s) which are now coming into view.
However, this year is an anniversary for me, marking a Big Number since I first encountered the Western Left Hand Path in the form of a teacher who opened a lot of doors. I have been thinking about what I would tell myself if I could go back to that day. The truth is that sometimes there are things in our psyches that we can only move beyond once we've allowed them to play out. Some dispositions are so strong that we're better off just indulging them again and again and again until they dissolve or transmute through exposure. I am not saying that things are fated: you will not wake up a Magus one day without doing anything. Magic is the rejection of what fate would try to give us in favour of an alternative future we have imagined. Thus, magic does not "go with the flow", it's a powerful interruption of the flow, of consciousness issuing a new impulse into the world. Yet, very often, it's the way we approach those things which we do not think of as magical that produces the strongest changes, that can, potentially, turn us into Magi. There is truth to the idea that if you want to change your world, you must start with yourself. That doesn't mean scaling the Tree of Life but engaging in new ways with those things that push your buttons, feeling the buttons being pressed (whether it's politics you find offensive, patterns in the behaviour of your mother/father, a career setback, etc.) but taking joy in controlling yourself and subverting your own reactions. Alchemy is the foundation for long-term, powerful sorcery.
I hope these thoughts might open some pathways for others, whether that happens quickly or if it's just as a seed that's planted. Whether I'd have heeded or properly understood them starting out I cannot say, but I do know that similar words were planted deep in my own psyche by others. By passing on what little I've learnt, I honour those kind enough to teach me.
~ Wintruz
However, this year is an anniversary for me, marking a Big Number since I first encountered the Western Left Hand Path in the form of a teacher who opened a lot of doors. I have been thinking about what I would tell myself if I could go back to that day. The truth is that sometimes there are things in our psyches that we can only move beyond once we've allowed them to play out. Some dispositions are so strong that we're better off just indulging them again and again and again until they dissolve or transmute through exposure. I am not saying that things are fated: you will not wake up a Magus one day without doing anything. Magic is the rejection of what fate would try to give us in favour of an alternative future we have imagined. Thus, magic does not "go with the flow", it's a powerful interruption of the flow, of consciousness issuing a new impulse into the world. Yet, very often, it's the way we approach those things which we do not think of as magical that produces the strongest changes, that can, potentially, turn us into Magi. There is truth to the idea that if you want to change your world, you must start with yourself. That doesn't mean scaling the Tree of Life but engaging in new ways with those things that push your buttons, feeling the buttons being pressed (whether it's politics you find offensive, patterns in the behaviour of your mother/father, a career setback, etc.) but taking joy in controlling yourself and subverting your own reactions. Alchemy is the foundation for long-term, powerful sorcery.
I hope these thoughts might open some pathways for others, whether that happens quickly or if it's just as a seed that's planted. Whether I'd have heeded or properly understood them starting out I cannot say, but I do know that similar words were planted deep in my own psyche by others. By passing on what little I've learnt, I honour those kind enough to teach me.
- It's not You, it's you. Your Essence is an expression of consciousness and energy that is utterly unique to you. It has never existed before (though the potential for it did) and it will never exist again (though it will leave a pattern in its wake). Because your mind has been socialised, you cannot see this Essence directly. You can only see its reflections. We'll talk about those in a moment. The purpose of life is to dissolve everything in you that is not true to your own Essence. This is what Crowley meant when he (repeating/stealing what had long been taught in Sufi orders and Tantric ashrams) discussed finding your True Will. Your True Will is to be your True Self. It's not something that fits in with Western/Protestant ideas of work and play ("my True Will is to... marry Joanne/be an actor") but to act in complete accordance with your own Essential nature at all times. How that expresses itself in the world will come to you as you get closer but it will come because a side-effect of attaining this is the desire to help others attain it. I'd like to share one of my favourite quotes that touches on all of this:
- Attraction comes from two places: 1. The mind. In most instances, we are drawn to things which speak to the socialised mind and usually parts of the socialised mind that have been unmet. In our time of chronic oversharing, we've all seen those people online who want to give themselves the childhood they never had by giving themselves "1000 days of girlhood" and so on. The laws of thermodynamics apply to the energy of the psyche just as they do the energy of physics and Freud wasn't wrong about everything. What is suppressed will come out, one way or another. There is a certain value in engaging with this kind of work. It can be a form of self-healing, allowing us to gain a clearer view of the Essence once we've got the turbulence of the mind out of the way. The problem comes when we think it is the Work. Take an honest inventory of the non-utilitarian things that preoccupy you (the magical systems you're drawn to are a good example of this) and ask yourself where they come from. It will probably be a part of your psyche that you're processing unconsciously. Be aware of this possibility at all times. If you make major life decisions from this level of thought, it can produce poor outcomes.
- Attraction comes from two places: 2. The Essence. Complicating this is that sometimes what we're attracted to is our Essence speaking to us. These attractions are mirrors that reflect our Essence back to our mind. Understanding which attractions are just the mind trying to balance or entertain itself and which attractions are the Essence speaking back to us, takes a lot of discernment and we all confuse one for the other at some stage. I have found that things which don't go away are generally a reflection of the Essence. If you find that interests come and then dissolve, it's the mind. If attractions have always been there, if they come and stay, if they prompt strong action (billions of people read Harry Potter/saw GoT, how many took up magic as a result and why?) and especially if they are cyclic (that is, if it's an attraction that goes away and comes back again and again and this cycle carries on) it will probably be revealing who You are to you. Similarly, if you are drawn to the same themes in many different contexts, it is probably more than a fad.
- You've already encountered the key but you haven't recognised it as the key yet. The key to your transformation is something you will have already encountered. It's a good thing to learn about different paradigms and it's a very good thing to engage with paradigms that we find challenging. These things expand us. Yet, the thing that's going to propel you forward will be a re-manifestation or a re-veiling of the thing that propelled you this far. Think back to figures that were horizons for you, figures that you longed to be as a child. It doesn't mean that you will want to play at being Gandalf or Darth Vader all of your life, but what does this figure awaken in you? A part of you that is like it?
- Progression is a spiral, not a straight line. This is the nature of all true spiritual paths. You do not climb the mountain in one motion from top to bottom. You walk around and around until you reach the peak. You will revisit the same places many times, each time from a slightly higher vantage point than before.
- The dangers of magic aren't outside. They're inside. The really scary things aren't conventional understandings of demons or gods or some other external cosmic avenger. The real danger with magic is ego-inflation, cowardice, laziness, refusal to challenge/abandon false narratives, failing to question whether you're reading with a false narrative (hint, you always are - check your premises) and the creation of serious mental illness. Visualisations need to be used. Pathworkings have their place. But when we assign cosmic meaning to these things rather than seeing them as ways of using the imagination to clear our mind so that we can see reality better, we run the risk of playing a game with ourselves that we are always going to lose. Escapism doesn't work, it just delays and makes dealing with reality more painful later.
- There is a deep emotional cost to Becoming. You will be lonely and, if you're doing it right, this will become stronger with time. You will have beautiful moments of connection on the way but the more you move into your True Self, the less you will be able to relate to the majority of humans. This can become very, very depressing, especially when you realise the impact that sleeping people have on the world. Vote, sign a petition, but don't make the mistake of trying to change it through sheer force of Will. Stronger people than you have tried that and it's gotten nobody any further forward. You're not the messiah. There isn't one. No one is coming. There will be no future point at which all will be resolved. Now is all that there is ever going to be. Tap into Now and, when you cannot, Work on yourself, try to be as a pure a manifestation of your own Essence as possible and help others who seem inclined to the work. Everything else is none of your business.
- Strength comes through joy. True positivity (and we are saturated with false positivity) is the best foundation for all self-overcoming, all self-transformation. Enjoy the Work! Let it be a series of ecstasies. Smell the flowers. Becoming is not easy. You have the inertia of the universe, the downward flow of energy and a truck full of personal baggage and trauma to stop you. Do not add to all of that by putting the whip on yourself too harshly. Instead recognise that, knowing how difficult this is, your soul is of such a quality that it will not only undertake the Work anyway but will delight in the process of carrying it out.
~ Wintruz
