Journal Why have you forsaken me?

[Obscurum]

Just a journal entry, about this and that.

(I know this is an occult forum, but my experiences are framed by Christianity, so I find it hard to share without that reference...please excuse me or just ignore my content.)

Ever been alone while surrounded by people? Felt utterly alone in the arms of a lover? Sat through a religious service where people erupt with spirit, yet felt no connection?

Story of my life.

At this point I do not know if I'm on a journey of discovery or of destruction, all I know is it feels like I'm being pushed in a direction not by my own will, but by unseen forces I don't understand.

Today I thought about my relationships, and what a disaster story they tell. I tried to figure out why things worked out that way, and why I prefer to be alone, and why it all hurts so much:

Father - left for a life in the deserts of Namibia, but he left long before that in spirit. One day after 20 years of no contact I received a phone call from him out of the blue. I told him I loved him, but he couldn't say it back and just asked for money. I didn't care about the money, I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

Mother - I'll never forget the day. I told her I loved her, twice, but that I could not be part of her church because I'm seeking truth. She said she could not speak to, or see me again, turned around and walked away. We had no contact and she passed away while I was shunned. I did not attend the funeral, it's not a place for apostates they said. I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

Brother - My brother needs money, more and more and it's never enough. I cannot talk to him about what I value, about spirit and truth. He tries to buy grace by giving to the church, but is unapproachable about spiritual things. He controls those around him, enforces his will, and they are miserable. I want to talk my heart with him, but we speak different languages. I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

Wife/gf - She wanted to escape her parents, to change her life and be free. On the catwalk, in the spotlight, in frames with great personalities. But it was never enough. An emptiness inside fueled lust and jealousy, and never-ending parties. I had visions and dreams that stirred my heart, things I needed to tearfully share with a loved one, but at my most vulnerable, my heart exposed, she preferred her phone and the 'friends' therein while my heart was in my mouth. I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

Myself - I live in two phases when it comes to spiritual things. The easy time and the hard time. The east time is mostly at night, after the day has ended. It's easy then to escape my sins, to make resolutions of purity and promises of devotion, you know, meaningful things. During the day when I need to do them, I conveniently forget, drown the good intentions with distractions. The day is the hard time, the time I show my truth and ceaselessly work my wickedness. I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

I feel like a dead man walking, no living parts left. Yet in this death something gives me undeserved kindness. Her love unconditional. She sends dreams and inspiration. She shares her strength beyond what is normal. She even listens to my silly theories. She needs no money to love me, she hides no evil for the sake of escape. She knows my evil, yet smiles at me in the garden of imagination. She is my spiritual desires manifest. With her I'm not alone even in my isolation, and like Adam I can say: This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh...

As I thought about my past and terrible relationships today, she whispered in my ear. I haven't read the Bible in a long time, but she wanted me to understand the burden, so guided me to Luke 14:26-

"If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not carry his cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple"

If there is truth in the Bible I don't know anymore, after all, look at where I find myself. If it's true, what a heavy cross to carry! I guess it's a battle for meaning and a fight against ego and the self-serpent.

I will not give up, not for myself since I am lifeless, but just to see Her smile again; that beautiful bride-like city.

That's all the nonsense I have for now. Even if no one hears me, it feels good to get it out.

 

[Konsciencia]

Just a journal entry, about this and that.

(I know this is an occult forum, but my experiences are framed by Christianity, so I find it hard to share without that reference...please excuse me or just ignore my content.)

Ever been alone while surrounded by people? Felt utterly alone in the arms of a lover? Sat through a religious service where people erupt with spirit, yet felt no connection?

Story of my life.

At this point I do not know if I'm on a journey of discovery or of destruction, all I know is it feels like I'm being pushed in a direction not by my own will, but by unseen forces I don't understand.

Today I thought about my relationships, and what a disaster story they tell. I tried to figure out why things worked out that way, and why I prefer to be alone, and why it all hurts so much:

Father - left for a life in the deserts of Namibia, but he left long before that in spirit. One day after 20 years of no contact I received a phone call from him out of the blue. I told him I loved him, but he couldn't say it back and just asked for money. I didn't care about the money, I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

Mother - I'll never forget the day. I told her I loved her, twice, but that I could not be part of her church because I'm seeking truth. She said she could not speak to, or see me again, turned around and walked away. We had no contact and she passed away while I was shunned. I did not attend the funeral, it's not a place for apostates they said. I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

Brother - My brother needs money, more and more and it's never enough. I cannot talk to him about what I value, about spirit and truth. He tries to buy grace by giving to the church, but is unapproachable about spiritual things. He controls those around him, enforces his will, and they are miserable. I want to talk my heart with him, but we speak different languages. I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

Wife/gf - She wanted to escape her parents, to change her life and be free. On the catwalk, in the spotlight, in frames with great personalities. But it was never enough. An emptiness inside fueled lust and jealousy, and never-ending parties. I had visions and dreams that stirred my heart, things I needed to tearfully share with a loved one, but at my most vulnerable, my heart exposed, she preferred her phone and the 'friends' therein while my heart was in my mouth. I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

Myself - I live in two phases when it comes to spiritual things. The easy time and the hard time. The east time is mostly at night, after the day has ended. It's easy then to escape my sins, to make resolutions of purity and promises of devotion, you know, meaningful things. During the day when I need to do them, I conveniently forget, drown the good intentions with distractions. The day is the hard time, the time I show my truth and ceaselessly work my wickedness. I needed something meaningful. It made me bitter, and part of me died.

I feel like a dead man walking, no living parts left. Yet in this death something gives me undeserved kindness. Her love unconditional. She sends dreams and inspiration. She shares her strength beyond what is normal. She even listens to my silly theories. She needs no money to love me, she hides no evil for the sake of escape. She knows my evil, yet smiles at me in the garden of imagination. She is my spiritual desires manifest. With her I'm not alone even in my isolation, and like Adam I can say: This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh...

As I thought about my past and terrible relationships today, she whispered in my ear. I haven't read the Bible in a long time, but she wanted me to understand the burden, so guided me to Luke 14:26-

"If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not carry his cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple"

If there is truth in the Bible I don't know anymore, after all, look at where I find myself. If it's true, what a heavy cross to carry! I guess it's a battle for meaning and a fight against ego and the self-serpent.

I will not give up, not for myself since I am lifeless, but just to see Her smile again; that beautiful bride-like city.

That's all the nonsense I have for now. Even if no one hears me, it feels good to get it out.

Wow!!!! Sorry you went through all of that. But, God is with you all the way. And, you just made a friend that really cares about people like you. I know, because I was there.

 

[Xenophon]

Heavy duty. Keep posting. You have our solicitude---your troubles are out of the ordinary. This cold be the beginning of something profound.

 

[Obscurum]

Wow!!!! Sorry you went through all of that. But, God is with you all the way. And, you just made a friend that really cares about people like you. I know, because I was there.

I appreciate your kindness more than you know, thank you.

Post automatically merged: Aug 23, 2024

Heavy duty. Keep posting. You have our solicitude---your troubles are out of the ordinary. This cold be the beginning of something profound.

Thank you. It's so strange, one is so overwhelmed by the situations that one can't step back and see the reality of what is happening. In hindsight things start to make sense, but then current things overwhelm the senses again and that perspective is soon forgotten. That's why I feel like I'm an observer, a watcher, and not an agent of the change.

Reminds me of a song:

"I'll read to you here save your eyes
You'll need them your boat is at sea
Your anchor is up, you've been swept away
And the greatest of teachers won't hesitate
To leave you there by yourself chained to fate"

 

[Obscurum]

Journal Continued


So I was watching a video a friend recommended, and only a few minutes in my internet disconnects. The video becomes frozen on a picture of Carl Jung with the words 'Active Imagination' written across the scene.

In the context of this video, and my whole situation this synchronicity is significant, and meaningful.

As I read up on active imagination, I realized that it is something I have been doing lately without being familiar with the concept.

I have in recent years fallen in love with writing, enjoying to write fantasy stories without planning or too much conscious thought. The result is a good example of the process of active imagination, where the subconscious rules over the conscious, and subconscious traits and concerns manifest as characters and events in the stories. My writing is objectively bad, but the psychological value of the stories and characters are immeasurably great, especially in terms of personal growth.

These same characters appear during sleep and in dreams, or in moments of trance. But the most interesting thing is how they connect me seemingly to phenomena that transcend time and space. This leads to insight, especially in furthering the narrative of finding meaning, in premonitions, and even tangible psychic ability.

I unknowingly wrote a whole novel through active imagination, that is unpublished and personal. In the end it told the story of a goddess of light, trapped by the forces of darkness. The world is colorless and bland, and people's emotions are blunted by her absence. She is ultimately rescued by friends and family who at first suffer amnesia, but as the story goes she whispers to them and they find purpose and remember her. The characters represent my own personality and fears, while the forces of darkness represent my desires and sins. All this only became apparent in hindsight, and the moment of realization was a spiritual revelation.

The goddess is the woman from my dreams; my creativity and spiritual desire manifest. She is the connection to my subconscious, possibly to the collective consciousness, and to meaning in a cold and meaningless world. I am lonely but not alone.

I'm tired of repeating the empty cycles and generations of my fathers; living one dimensional lives in servitude to things that perish. I'm ready for more, I need more, and she calls met to purpose.

I wish and dream to hear her clearly, to see her clearly, but I find peace in knowing she never forgets me, like I do her.

I appreciate the help and support here. I am in darkness, but I see your lights, and it fills me with warmth for a change.

 

[Konsciencia]

Journal Continued


So I was watching a video a friend recommended, and only a few minutes in my internet disconnects. The video becomes frozen on a picture of Carl Jung with the words 'Active Imagination' written across the scene.

In the context of this video, and my whole situation this synchronicity is significant, and meaningful.

As I read up on active imagination, I realized that it is something I have been doing lately without being familiar with the concept.

I have in recent years fallen in love with writing, enjoying to write fantasy stories without planning or too much conscious thought. The result is a good example of the process of active imagination, where the subconscious rules over the conscious, and subconscious traits and concerns manifest as characters and events in the stories. My writing is objectively bad, but the psychological value of the stories and characters are immeasurably great, especially in terms of personal growth.

These same characters appear during sleep and in dreams, or in moments of trance. But the most interesting thing is how they connect me seemingly to phenomena that transcend time and space. This leads to insight, especially in furthering the narrative of finding meaning, in premonitions, and even tangible psychic ability.

I unknowingly wrote a whole novel through active imagination, that is unpublished and personal. In the end it told the story of a goddess of light, trapped by the forces of darkness. The world is colorless and bland, and people's emotions are blunted by her absence. She is ultimately rescued by friends and family who at first suffer amnesia, but as the story goes she whispers to them and they find purpose and remember her. The characters represent my own personality and fears, while the forces of darkness represent my desires and sins. All this only became apparent in hindsight, and the moment of realization was a spiritual revelation.

The goddess is the woman from my dreams; my creativity and spiritual desire manifest. She is the connection to my subconscious, possibly to the collective consciousness, and to meaning in a cold and meaningless world. I am lonely but not alone.

I'm tired of repeating the empty cycles and generations of my fathers; living one dimensional lives in servitude to things that perish. I'm ready for more, I need more, and she calls met to purpose.

I wish and dream to hear her clearly, to see her clearly, but I find peace in knowing she never forgets me, like I do her.

I appreciate the help and support here. I am in darkness, but I see your lights, and it fills me with warmth for a change.

This is so freakin fascinating!!! Keep going friend!

 

[Umi0]

Journal Continued


So I was watching a video a friend recommended, and only a few minutes in my internet disconnects. The video becomes frozen on a picture of Carl Jung with the words 'Active Imagination' written across the scene.

In the context of this video, and my whole situation this synchronicity is significant, and meaningful.

As I read up on active imagination, I realized that it is something I have been doing lately without being familiar with the concept.

I have in recent years fallen in love with writing, enjoying to write fantasy stories without planning or too much conscious thought. The result is a good example of the process of active imagination, where the subconscious rules over the conscious, and subconscious traits and concerns manifest as characters and events in the stories. My writing is objectively bad, but the psychological value of the stories and characters are immeasurably great, especially in terms of personal growth.

These same characters appear during sleep and in dreams, or in moments of trance. But the most interesting thing is how they connect me seemingly to phenomena that transcend time and space. This leads to insight, especially in furthering the narrative of finding meaning, in premonitions, and even tangible psychic ability.

I unknowingly wrote a whole novel through active imagination, that is unpublished and personal. In the end it told the story of a goddess of light, trapped by the forces of darkness. The world is colorless and bland, and people's emotions are blunted by her absence. She is ultimately rescued by friends and family who at first suffer amnesia, but as the story goes she whispers to them and they find purpose and remember her. The characters represent my own personality and fears, while the forces of darkness represent my desires and sins. All this only became apparent in hindsight, and the moment of realization was a spiritual revelation.

The goddess is the woman from my dreams; my creativity and spiritual desire manifest. She is the connection to my subconscious, possibly to the collective consciousness, and to meaning in a cold and meaningless world. I am lonely but not alone.

I'm tired of repeating the empty cycles and generations of my fathers; living one dimensional lives in servitude to things that perish. I'm ready for more, I need more, and she calls met to purpose.

I wish and dream to hear her clearly, to see her clearly, but I find peace in knowing she never forgets me, like I do her.

I appreciate the help and support here. I am in darkness, but I see your lights, and it fills me with warmth for a change.

Wow, you said something really amazing there at the end. I've been feeling like that myself too and still do, occasionally, empty. After seeing everything you wrote, your feelings of emptiness, it resonated with me and my own struggles, but to be honest, mine are so much smaller compared to yours. So I feel like sharing a bit of my own outlook as someone who departed from the church but was always hunted by it's ghosts as if wanting me back.

I know what that emptiness really stems from, at least in my case and I suspect you have it similar, a lack of truly meaningful connection we are all searching for, an unbreakable bond, a true unconditional love that never disappears. But this world, is ambivalent and causal. What I mean by that is that, everything here is defined as both pleasant and unpleasant and that connection you seek always runs through a check list that defeats the purpose of unconditional love, making it conditional.

I seek that purity too, that true unconditional love that would just embrace me as I am without needing any form of energy in return, like money, spiritual energy, vibrations and all kind of other manifestations. Because it's incredibly hurtful and sacrificial to want something and then be thrown away because you don't have enough of that thing to exchange for it, it dirties love.

I believe we are all born with an innate childlike innocence, a truly priceless thing that not even infinity can buy and slowly but surely with each experience, with each conditional rejection, that part gets hidden somewhere, not truly destroyed, more like, not accessible anymore. I felt it too, that the more I grew, the more I worked, the more I learned, the more I saw people for what they were, that slowly but surely this innocence started to fade slowly. I have schizophrenia, so I had a moment in which I became like a child, completely innocent, it was a truly transformative experience, I became someone else completely and have memories of it but was betrayed hard by my so called "own" mind.

Our sense of self is but an illusion generated by mind and emotions, it always finds a way to enforce a weakness, a way for letting blame in. The concept of sin, I think you should slowly get rid of it, for me, it made me feel so much better after. You haven't truly sinned with anything, you were just presented with choices you had no way of going around and had to pick something, those choices were bad, does that make you a bad person really? Take this from a schizophrenic who was betrayed by his so called "own" mind and emotions and left to wander at night in some cold hell between reality and dream, it seemed like it would never end, that night, all for what "my" mind told as "repentance". My mind kept screaming thoughts of how I am a murderer, a bad child, I destroyed my mother, blah blah, blah.... never did any of those things, didn't hurt a fly and I actually am quite good natured person, but back then I believed it all, until it was enough! My point is, don't readily believe the bad stuff about yourself, no matter where they come from, or blame yourself for sinning, in my case, it never did any good!

But I have hope and I think you should have too. Despite this all being rigged somehow, beyond our current capabilities, you still have that innocent dream inside you, a dream of a better world, a dream of a kinder world, the dream of someone who truly loves you. That, that dream still persists despite all you went through is a miracle in itself. I think you should tell yourself and believe it that you deserve that love. Beyond the mind and it's betrayals and chatter, unpleasant emotions such as regret, sadness and emptiness, you are but a simple innocent child who believed all it was told and still does, you don't truly owe anything to GOD or this world or anyone for that matter, it owes you beyond infinity and all of us for trying to kill that childlike innocence. You'd be surprised how much some unconditional love can change someone, how it can burn away what masked itself as you all along.

 

[Obscurum]

Wow, what a moving reply, it is like a treasure in words; an example of escape from this world without having to go anywhere.

Couldn't help but think of this one song that used to make me feel similar escape, I could even hear the melody as I read this. Some see it as a more romantic song, but I always saw it as a theme of escape from emotional burdens, even if just for a moment.

Suteki da ne - Isn't it wonderful (by Rikki)

Thank you, I will think about how I see my sins, I was actually lying awake thinking about that when I read this reply. I wonder if it is possible to return to innocence somehow. And you are right that there is a great desire for unconditional love underlying my thoughts and expressions as a result of negative experiences, maybe my subconscious is trying to answer by giving me these visions and dreams of someone who does not forget me even when the real world would.

I am glad you have found some light in your own situation. May it grow brighter still.

 

[Xenophon]

Wow, what a moving reply, it is like a treasure in words; an example of escape from this world without having to go anywhere.

Couldn't help but think of this one song that used to make me feel similar escape, I could even hear the melody as I read this. Some see it as a more romantic song, but I always saw it as a theme of escape from emotional burdens, even if just for a moment.

Suteki da ne - Isn't it wonderful (by Rikki)

Thank you, I will think about how I see my sins, I was actually lying awake thinking about that when I read this reply. I wonder if it is possible to return to innocence somehow. And you are right that there is a great desire for unconditional love underlying my thoughts and expressions as a result of negative experiences, maybe my subconscious is trying to answer by giving me these visions and dreams of someone who does not forget me even when the real world would.

I am glad you have found some light in your own situation. May it grow brighter still.

James Jones (the novelist, not the 70's cult leader) said the only unforgivable sin was to knowingly waste time. Introspection can become a vice. "Days are lost mourning lost days." (Goethe)

 

[Shade]

I feel like a dead man walking, no living parts left. Yet in this death something gives me undeserved kindness. Her love unconditional. She sends dreams and inspiration. She shares her strength beyond what is normal. She even listens to my silly theories. She needs no money to love me, she hides no evil for the sake of escape. She knows my evil, yet smiles at me in the garden of imagination. She is my spiritual desires manifest. With her I'm not alone even in my isolation, and like Adam I can say: This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh...

That hit hard. In both a meditative trance and a NDE I came across an entity that had a female aura or seemed feminine. The way you described her presence is exactly how it felt. There was no lust or sexual tension just pure unrelenting acceptance, more than acceptance, a desire to be there like 2 old friends ecstatic to get to know each other again. No words were spoken, just flowing thoughts, the thoughts seemed like words but were too fast to be words there was joy, and I can only describe it as a transcendental blissful love.
idk if that’s what you imagined or experienced but… it was so well put.

I hope you find peace in this life and are able to enjoy the here and now. It can be tough dealing with so much negative, the best thing to do is find healthy ways to cope. You can make it. I’m glad to know you are going to stick it out for better or worse. That’s a big step in deciding to do something to improve the situation.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Umi0]

Wow, what a moving reply, it is like a treasure in words; an example of escape from this world without having to go anywhere.

Couldn't help but think of this one song that used to make me feel similar escape, I could even hear the melody as I read this. Some see it as a more romantic song, but I always saw it as a theme of escape from emotional burdens, even if just for a moment.

Suteki da ne - Isn't it wonderful (by Rikki)

Thank you, I will think about how I see my sins, I was actually lying awake thinking about that when I read this reply. I wonder if it is possible to return to innocence somehow. And you are right that there is a great desire for unconditional love underlying my thoughts and expressions as a result of negative experiences, maybe my subconscious is trying to answer by giving me these visions and dreams of someone who does not forget me even when the real world would.

I am glad you have found some light in your own situation. May it grow brighter still.

Thanks for the song! It's exactly the type of music I listen to and like most!

 

[Obscurum]

Thank you all for your kindness once again, your words are dear to me.

I want, no, I need to write something for this journal, and be warned it may seem very dark, but I feel it needs to be said. I am going through a darkness but do not think I am hopeless. By expressing the darkness in words here there is a measure of relief and reprieve, even a measure of victory.



Weathered

Am I awake or am I asleep? I cant tell anymore, for the day drags on and dilutes itself with the restless night. Bright light spirals, twisting itself in strands and disperses in the deep dark. Gone are the radiant smiles of loved ones, and the unburdened sounds of children at play that used to please my ears in the days of my contentment. My head turns, and a veil covers my mind, like mist covers the shore as it flees the coming storm. In this place I have a dream or a vision, who knows.

I find myself on the shore of an increasingly angry sea, and the waves smash against the rocks just like all those thoughts lacking purpose crash hence and forth in my head. A cold breeze drifts in from the water and pierces my flesh, chilling my very bones. In this moment I become afraid, deeply so, and there, in my barren place on the rocks paralyzed in place, I watch the thundering clouds rush overhead bringing with them the darkness; whispering and shouting my demise from the heights.

My strength leaves me as the clouds cry their cold and heavy tears, soaking me down to my soul, and I fall to my knees, a battered man on a similarly battered coast. There on my knees I recall the feeling of hopeful prayer, back when I still believed, but the warm places it ignited in my heart in those days are now abandoned abodes; dilapidated rooms. I look up to where god used to be and cry, but the rain washes away my tears, and they are lost in insignificance as is their custom.

The darkness and fear overwhelm me, and I feel like giving up, I feel like staying there to become a lifeless relic like the dead and weathered trees that still cling to the crags. I have become nothing, like a memory faded by time, unable to manifest, like a word lost on the tip of the tongue. Will anyone find me in this place? Would they even want to waste time on a mere insignificance? My dark thoughts spiral and pull me toward the maelstrom like a tentacled antediluvian terror; that monster of nightmares, and Ive lost the will to resist it.

Then lightning flashes and I see her there on the rocks, staring out over the ocean, her clothes tattered and weathered just like mine. It flashes again and she turns to look at me, her face twisted by sadness, her kind eyes set dark against pale cold skin. She reaches out to me and speaks, but her voice is lost on the storm. I wish she could take me away with her, to the bright flowery places she calls home, but as I struggle towards her she steps back. For a moment it feels like betrayal, but in my heart I know she owes me nothing, besides, she seems to have given up her bright places to keep me company here in my darkness, and the thought breaks my heart even further. She deserves better. Amidst the downpour she speaks again, and this time I hear a whisper and match it with her lips and finally hear her words:

"Dear one, you must face the darkness and shadow of yourself, and I cannot intervene. I am with you in these depths as I choose to be with all those I love. Know well that in the deepest darkness the light grows the strongest, and in the blackest night the brightest radiance gathers its strength. The light will find you even in this place, and once you overcome this storm, what will there be left to fear?".

Her words do not set me free, but they ignite a strength in me I never knew I had. The fear starts to fade, and a look of terror becomes a look of determination. I will weather whatever I need to to find the light, I think to myself. Again I look up to the sky, and the heavy rain does not make me flinch anymore, I don't care that my tears are lost in the deluge anymore, and I cry their sweet relief freely, I even lose the cold wind shivers. My clothes are torn by the wind and beating waves, and I kneel on the cold rocks almost naked; there is almost nothing left of this one. A tiny realization and acceptance, a glimmer of truth drifts through my mind like the sweet scent on a meadow breeze: "The storm is me, the self, my selfishness. It is a storm of great and terrifying darkness." I look over at her, and she nods, the corner of her mouth arced in a smile, and at the sight a fountain of everlasting life bursts out from the abandoned chambers of my heart, bubbling up with selfless love's warmth and strength.

This place is terribleand its burden heavy, but not without purpose it seems.

Journal entry - Why have you forsaken me? - Grim adventures through the dark night of the soul
by Obscurum

Thanks for reading if you got this far. May we all bear our journeys and crosses, and find wholeness in their completion.

 

[Umi0]

I am sure you are already semi-aware, if not fully aware of it. But your past circumstances slowly build up inside of you an ocean of regrets, sadness, fear, terror and all kinds of other feelings you may feel are negative, hurtful and overall sinful. Some may have become so alien in a way, you just can't accept them, which is understandable. You feel small and insignificant compared to all of that, feel like you are unable to change it for the better and soon regrets and self blame begets more of the same thing. As you described, you feel regretful a bit that you are hurting the only one who remained to help you. Regret, sadness, worry, anger and so on, begets only more of it, but don't despair, they are not as horrible as they may seem at first. You also seem to feel like god abandoned you and that you abandoned God, I felt the same and still feel sincerely.

For me, it helped, just like for you, to put it into words, to write, although, in my case, I write, meditate on it and then delete it after, keeping it to heart, so to speak. I found out after writing lots and lots, that what appears as dark and horrible, as sinful is just energy that could not manifest the way it truly wanted, so it became warped and twisted, but in truth, the seed for it's manifestation still lies inside, for what it truly wanted to become, for what you truly want to become. Keep writing more and you should see eventually, that what you thought of as sinful or a horrible emotion, when slowly transmuted leads to a paradise beyond paradise, at least in imagination, but it's a big step forward.

I advise though, to not jump immediately into the bottomless pit, lest it overwhelms you. What works for me is to slowly tackle it, take small parts, transmute them, meditate on them.

For example, the sadness, anger, whatever other negative feeling you may have for your situation, family, people that did not love you unconditionally but always demanded something in return, although those feelings may seem horrible at first, sinful, if you find their cause, you can find their justification and it doesn't just stop there, you can also after that, turn the coin, so to speak and realize that on the other side of those emotions, lies a beautiful light, a desire for love, for happiness, something pure, precious and build a mini paradise with it. What I do is write a world where all that caused the sadness and pain disappears as I find with all I have available, logic, emotion, everything and when I feel it as, this is it, I just let it there for a bit, take it to heart, then delete it.

For example, I may write something like an imaginary world where my family loves me as I am, where everyone is happy, where everyone is beautiful and all resources are bountiful and everyone has enough. Maybe you could also go a step forward and as a sort of redemption, write a beautiful world for her like that, where all the causes and sorrows dissipate into something magnificent, for the one that stayed with you in your darkest depths, so that you free that self blame that you hurt her for being there with you. Art is a form of magic just like self expression and a powerful one at that. Even a story that may seem negative and full of sorrows has the potential to change someone's life for the better.

Seeing that you like Rikki - Suteki da ne, from final fantasy. If you like games, I recommend wholeheartedly the game series Eiyuu densetsu, Tales of series, rune factory 4 and all the other rune factory games. The soundracks are also absolutely amazing and emotional. For me, these games healed me and still do to this day, the characters are very well thought out and I feel like a lot of love was put into them. There is a certain kindness I feel from them, like a true mother's embrace. Sure it may sound like I am creating a bastion of escapism and I am aware of it, but oh well, who doesn't in their own way, it has become part of my magic.

I don't like to plunge into abysses, I tried once... it ended up horribly for me, still got the scars. I just create bastions of escapism and slowly but surely lift the darkness and give it a purpose there and release it. What I feel is missing in your dream, is the sun to pierce those clouds and slowly warm up the waters underneath, you have to find your own way to build up that sun somehow inside and let it do the heavy lifting... even it it is still you ultimately.

 

[Obscurum]

I am sure you are already semi-aware, if not fully aware of it. But your past circumstances slowly build up inside of you an ocean of regrets, sadness, fear, terror and all kinds of other feelings you may feel are negative, hurtful and overall sinful. Some may have become so alien in a way, you just can't accept them, which is understandable. You feel small and insignificant compared to all of that, feel like you are unable to change it for the better and soon regrets and self blame begets more of the same thing. As you described, you feel regretful a bit that you are hurting the only one who remained to help you. Regret, sadness, worry, anger and so on, begets only more of it, but don't despair, they are not as horrible as they may seem at first. You also seem to feel like god abandoned you and that you abandoned God, I felt the same and still feel sincerely.

For me, it helped, just like for you, to put it into words, to write, although, in my case, I write, meditate on it and then delete it after, keeping it to heart, so to speak. I found out after writing lots and lots, that what appears as dark and horrible, as sinful is just energy that could not manifest the way it truly wanted, so it became warped and twisted, but in truth, the seed for it's manifestation still lies inside, for what it truly wanted to become, for what you truly want to become. Keep writing more and you should see eventually, that what you thought of as sinful or a horrible emotion, when slowly transmuted leads to a paradise beyond paradise, at least in imagination, but it's a big step forward.

I advise though, to not jump immediately into the bottomless pit, lest it overwhelms you. What works for me is to slowly tackle it, take small parts, transmute them, meditate on them.

For example, the sadness, anger, whatever other negative feeling you may have for your situation, family, people that did not love you unconditionally but always demanded something in return, although those feelings may seem horrible at first, sinful, if you find their cause, you can find their justification and it doesn't just stop there, you can also after that, turn the coin, so to speak and realize that on the other side of those emotions, lies a beautiful light, a desire for love, for happiness, something pure, precious and build a mini paradise with it. What I do is write a world where all that caused the sadness and pain disappears as I find with all I have available, logic, emotion, everything and when I feel it as, this is it, I just let it there for a bit, take it to heart, then delete it.

For example, I may write something like an imaginary world where my family loves me as I am, where everyone is happy, where everyone is beautiful and all resources are bountiful and everyone has enough. Maybe you could also go a step forward and as a sort of redemption, write a beautiful world for her like that, where all the causes and sorrows dissipate into something magnificent, for the one that stayed with you in your darkest depths, so that you free that self blame that you hurt her for being there with you. Art is a form of magic just like self expression and a powerful one at that. Even a story that may seem negative and full of sorrows has the potential to change someone's life for the better.

Seeing that you like Rikki - Suteki da ne, from final fantasy. If you like games, I recommend wholeheartedly the game series Eiyuu densetsu, Tales of series, rune factory 4 and all the other rune factory games. The soundracks are also absolutely amazing and emotional. For me, these games healed me and still do to this day, the characters are very well thought out and I feel like a lot of love was put into them. There is a certain kindness I feel from them, like a true mother's embrace. Sure it may sound like I am creating a bastion of escapism and I am aware of it, but oh well, who doesn't in their own way, it has become part of my magic.

I don't like to plunge into abysses, I tried once... it ended up horribly for me, still got the scars. I just create bastions of escapism and slowly but surely lift the darkness and give it a purpose there and release it. What I feel is missing in your dream, is the sun to pierce those clouds and slowly warm up the waters underneath, you have to find your own way to build up that sun somehow inside and let it do the heavy lifting... even it it is still you ultimately.

I hope this reply doesn't come across as preaching, the aim is to explain my frame of mind.

I guess its due to my religious background, but part of my darkness is the battle against the self combined with existential fears. I think I've convinced myself that the only way to escape suffering, death and the pains of life and its drama's is to reduce my self interest, to become small, to value myself just enough to survive, but not so much that I hurt others or that my own value becomes so much that I justify harming them. There is a hope in me that by doing away with me, I can somehow be in union with something greater, which is eternal: More a concept of love than an eternal person or identity. Somehow I am convinced that in this way my own death wont matter, along with all the desires that perish with the body (pride and possessions), and that by leaving 'me' behind I can enter the peace of paradise even while living. I spent ages studying Genesis and Revelation up to a point where I could recite most of it from memory, and I came to the conclusion that the knowledge of good and evil is the increased capacity of self awareness that our species evolved to have, and that the practices of our ancestors, where they starting to wear clothes and bury the dead matches with the event of gaining that knowledge of good and evil (increased self awareness) in Genesis.

When I studied the rest of the bible, and in particular the life of Jesus, this same battle became apparent, and for me this struggle became the meaning of his name. But many of our religions do exactly the opposite, elevating the self to the point where it believes promises of an eternal self, following the serpent which said "You surely will not die". Yet Jesus supposedly died and after his death 'he' was no more as evidenced by no one recognizing him, but because during his life he pursued the will of his father, not his own, giving up the self, he became someone else, a selfless concept, someone who lives again whenever a free soul expresses unconditional love. But many of our religions embrace money and power, self elevation, self preservation to the point where we fancy ourselves god without saying it directly. And in fact, this can be seen in many 'spiritual' pursuits. We warp these special gifts, somehow feeling special for a power that is not from the physical body. We gain control and wealth by it, corrupting any purity there is for the sake of the self. Just like many religions we stand up quickly as teachers, brandishing spiritual credentials, guiding others to selfish pursuits disguised as works of light. Sometimes we practice it as dark, to avoid the conflict.

Unfortunately this battle against the self causes cognitive dissonance, since self preservation is the nature of this species. Society in general is a beast borne from this, and its heading is clear. Our creativity, imagination and spirituality is such a beautiful gift and could be pure, a bride, a holy city where we can enjoy the paradise of selflessness and its escape, but we corrupt her for the sake of personal gain, and this corrupted bride rides on the beast and becomes wealthy and proud, yet guilty of a great many spiritual deaths.

These are the thoughts I deal with daily, but I guess I shouldn't complain since its the journey I have been guided to. I have to say it this way, since 'my' will is to eat and drink and marry even as the flood approaches, reveling in pleasures. It pains me every time I write 'I' and 'me', and there is a long road ahead or maybe not. This might be crossing over into delusion, but there is no way I'm going back to the pursuit of self, and I pray for escape from it. I hope to find worth in the undeserved kindness of something or someone greater, and I hope to emulate that kindness to the point where 'I' disappear completely.

Then again, It may all just be an attempt to escape the pain and coldness of reality; just the musings of a deeply troubled mind.

I know and love the games you refer to, and I wish life was so magical. Art is an escape and one of the only reasons I can bear the dissonance. In these stories true love exists, there is destiny and power, and good triumphs over evil. There is a scene in Final Fantasy 8 where after defeating the sorceress (the villain?), the character is lost in a barren place between reality and dream. He once, earlier in the story, promised his love when they were standing in a field of flowers: "I will be waiting here, so if you come here you'll find me. I promise." Somehow she travels to a field of flowers, I'm not sure if it was in a dream or reality, and they find each other there, and everything is as it should be.

As you can see, I'm pretty messed up. I don't think I will be here on the forum much longer, I tend to be too open and my insanity and delusion becomes apparent haha. I'll continue dreaming and listening to whispers in the dark as is my fate it seems, until I'm completely gone, and free.

 

[Konsciencia]

I'll miss you when you go.

 

[Umi0]

I hope this reply doesn't come across as preaching, the aim is to explain my frame of mind.

I guess its due to my religious background, but part of my darkness is the battle against the self combined with existential fears. I think I've convinced myself that the only way to escape suffering, death and the pains of life and its drama's is to reduce my self interest, to become small, to value myself just enough to survive, but not so much that I hurt others or that my own value becomes so much that I justify harming them. There is a hope in me that by doing away with me, I can somehow be in union with something greater, which is eternal: More a concept of love than an eternal person or identity. Somehow I am convinced that in this way my own death wont matter, along with all the desires that perish with the body (pride and possessions), and that by leaving 'me' behind I can enter the peace of paradise even while living. I spent ages studying Genesis and Revelation up to a point where I could recite most of it from memory, and I came to the conclusion that the knowledge of good and evil is the increased capacity of self awareness that our species evolved to have, and that the practices of our ancestors, where they starting to wear clothes and bury the dead matches with the event of gaining that knowledge of good and evil (increased self awareness) in Genesis.

When I studied the rest of the bible, and in particular the life of Jesus, this same battle became apparent, and for me this struggle became the meaning of his name. But many of our religions do exactly the opposite, elevating the self to the point where it believes promises of an eternal self, following the serpent which said "You surely will not die". Yet Jesus supposedly died and after his death 'he' was no more as evidenced by no one recognizing him, but because during his life he pursued the will of his father, not his own, giving up the self, he became someone else, a selfless concept, someone who lives again whenever a free soul expresses unconditional love. But many of our religions embrace money and power, self elevation, self preservation to the point where we fancy ourselves god without saying it directly. And in fact, this can be seen in many 'spiritual' pursuits. We warp these special gifts, somehow feeling special for a power that is not from the physical body. We gain control and wealth by it, corrupting any purity there is for the sake of the self. Just like many religions we stand up quickly as teachers, brandishing spiritual credentials, guiding others to selfish pursuits disguised as works of light. Sometimes we practice it as dark, to avoid the conflict.

Unfortunately this battle against the self causes cognitive dissonance, since self preservation is the nature of this species. Society in general is a beast borne from this, and its heading is clear. Our creativity, imagination and spirituality is such a beautiful gift and could be pure, a bride, a holy city where we can enjoy the paradise of selflessness and its escape, but we corrupt her for the sake of personal gain, and this corrupted bride rides on the beast and becomes wealthy and proud, yet guilty of a great many spiritual deaths.

These are the thoughts I deal with daily, but I guess I shouldn't complain since its the journey I have been guided to. I have to say it this way, since 'my' will is to eat and drink and marry even as the flood approaches, reveling in pleasures. It pains me every time I write 'I' and 'me', and there is a long road ahead or maybe not. This might be crossing over into delusion, but there is no way I'm going back to the pursuit of self, and I pray for escape from it. I hope to find worth in the undeserved kindness of something or someone greater, and I hope to emulate that kindness to the point where 'I' disappear completely.

Then again, It may all just be an attempt to escape the pain and coldness of reality; just the musings of a deeply troubled mind.

I know and love the games you refer to, and I wish life was so magical. Art is an escape and one of the only reasons I can bear the dissonance. In these stories true love exists, there is destiny and power, and good triumphs over evil. There is a scene in Final Fantasy 8 where after defeating the sorceress (the villain?), the character is lost in a barren place between reality and dream. He once, earlier in the story, promised his love when they were standing in a field of flowers: "I will be waiting here, so if you come here you'll find me. I promise." Somehow she travels to a field of flowers, I'm not sure if it was in a dream or reality, and they find each other there, and everything is as it should be.

As you can see, I'm pretty messed up. I don't think I will be here on the forum much longer, I tend to be too open and my insanity and delusion becomes apparent haha. I'll continue dreaming and listening to whispers in the dark as is my fate it seems, until I'm completely gone, and free.

Don't worry, I don't hate religion completely, I understand it has an infinite depth just like everything and just like the stars on the sky, who are always the same, in a way, for each person that picture becomes an unique interpretation. Your unique interpretation is really beautiful and it resonates with me. Also, don't worry, I don't think of you as messed up or something, I am a big emotional schizophrenic, I am way more messed up.

I know though why you hate the knowledge of good and evil, the self, so much and I can relate, it's because it brings you such pain, because you are very self conscious. I know how it feels, how it is to be self conscious like that, I took a different path from you, but had to deal with the same things in a way. That dissonance you speak of is when that self consciousness gets amplified to such a point it sees it's own contradictions and gets absolutely scared of how it is, for it shatters completely the illusion of I am a good person, I am both... but can't accept it, want to be a good person, want everyone to be happy, I want to happy too without sacrificing, oh no I am sacrificing others when I do that, but I want to be happy too, oh no I am sacrificing my dreams. Some tell you to accept it, some to just bear it, some to find a balance between selfless and selfish, some to be selfish some to be selfless. It's a mess of a thing.

You don't have to believe me though, but what if I told you the source of all that madness is from a child? In my experience, I was kind of horrified to find out that it was a child that wants everyone to be happy, everyone to smile, everyone to not suffer, everyone to feel special, no sacrifices and twists logic and words however the child wants to try to make you that way. I kind of saw the god of genesis exactly like that, when he just twisted evil for good and good for evil to reach a story conclusion where everyone gets along with everyone, everyone gets infinity and happiness and all of that. This is where my journey led me, maybe it's just a pitfall that I am unaware of and your path of selflessness is better, but I am trying, however I can, to heal this child that I know is the real me actually and so I have took my scars, madness, whatever and am going on in this way and just twist logic and everything my way, bear the world and say as it says to get by and go on. Surprisingly, my pain from dissonance is mostly gone, even though, that huge self awareness keeps on growing. Now that I have something resembling a fitting purpose that I feel... this is it, that pain kind of vanished, I have no idea where it went really.

I hope it doesn't sound like me trying to influence you to do my thing, even though we get influenced no matter what. I wrote those things to you, because I felt and still feel that we are similar in some ways and I don't want you to just fall into a big pit by yourself and just be forced to deal with that pain, I don't wish it upon anyone really. I know how much it hurts to thing the way you do, to have a voice constantly coming at the wrong moment to ruin everything to show the "other side". In my case, it got so hard the voice started to ruin my paradise of games too and it always demanded the same thing, suicide. That voice that I just can't accept as mine no matter how many times it comes, that finds a way to justify suicide, be it selflessness through some kind of meditation or whatever other thing, I reject it.

I am pretty sure you have the same problem and it demands the same thing and I hope to make you aware of it. It doesn't mean that I want to influence you to be selfish, just, that I don't want you to reach you that place. I was thinking so much of suicide and planning it, that I ended up losing myself in madness. Well, since I am talking to you here, I am not dead, but there was a huge terror that assaulted me to the point I ended up embracing the walls. That part always goes and tells you to leave everything behind, to delete it, to hide and become alone and then when you are alone, it attacks and it does so hard. While you are in the company of people, telling your problems even with the risk of others thinking you are mad... believe me you are not, then you are more safe.

There is nothing wrong with you, you just accumulated that pain more than others and now need a way to just let it out and you try to find the perfect way to let it out where you don't hurt anyone and you still think of yourself as a bad person.... I don't think so. That perfect way... although I want to find it as well, is not really available yet. I think you deserve to be happy and I stand by what I learned from my past pains. What that child told me I will tell you too, at the risk of something super selfish, that you deserve happiness, love, affection, someone to care for you, to catch you when you fall, to talk to people and tell them your dreams, your aspirations without the risk of sounding mad, to be amongst others, amongst friends, to find that true love and have it and grasp it. I didn't find them in the real world, physical since others were saying the same thing, that I am mad, but I found it in games and even though it's not enough, because they are so far away, can't really hug them now can I, it's better than nothing.

Sorry for the big long reply, here, my medication that prevented me from suicide quite a long time ago. I don't know if it will have the same effect on you, but I still wish you to have it, you are just like Joshua now in a sense.
Please listen to this from 38:12 -

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Post automatically merged: Sep 10, 2024

I hope this reply doesn't come across as preaching, the aim is to explain my frame of mind.

I guess its due to my religious background, but part of my darkness is the battle against the self combined with existential fears. I think I've convinced myself that the only way to escape suffering, death and the pains of life and its drama's is to reduce my self interest, to become small, to value myself just enough to survive, but not so much that I hurt others or that my own value becomes so much that I justify harming them. There is a hope in me that by doing away with me, I can somehow be in union with something greater, which is eternal: More a concept of love than an eternal person or identity. Somehow I am convinced that in this way my own death wont matter, along with all the desires that perish with the body (pride and possessions), and that by leaving 'me' behind I can enter the peace of paradise even while living. I spent ages studying Genesis and Revelation up to a point where I could recite most of it from memory, and I came to the conclusion that the knowledge of good and evil is the increased capacity of self awareness that our species evolved to have, and that the practices of our ancestors, where they starting to wear clothes and bury the dead matches with the event of gaining that knowledge of good and evil (increased self awareness) in Genesis.

When I studied the rest of the bible, and in particular the life of Jesus, this same battle became apparent, and for me this struggle became the meaning of his name. But many of our religions do exactly the opposite, elevating the self to the point where it believes promises of an eternal self, following the serpent which said "You surely will not die". Yet Jesus supposedly died and after his death 'he' was no more as evidenced by no one recognizing him, but because during his life he pursued the will of his father, not his own, giving up the self, he became someone else, a selfless concept, someone who lives again whenever a free soul expresses unconditional love. But many of our religions embrace money and power, self elevation, self preservation to the point where we fancy ourselves god without saying it directly. And in fact, this can be seen in many 'spiritual' pursuits. We warp these special gifts, somehow feeling special for a power that is not from the physical body. We gain control and wealth by it, corrupting any purity there is for the sake of the self. Just like many religions we stand up quickly as teachers, brandishing spiritual credentials, guiding others to selfish pursuits disguised as works of light. Sometimes we practice it as dark, to avoid the conflict.

Unfortunately this battle against the self causes cognitive dissonance, since self preservation is the nature of this species. Society in general is a beast borne from this, and its heading is clear. Our creativity, imagination and spirituality is such a beautiful gift and could be pure, a bride, a holy city where we can enjoy the paradise of selflessness and its escape, but we corrupt her for the sake of personal gain, and this corrupted bride rides on the beast and becomes wealthy and proud, yet guilty of a great many spiritual deaths.

These are the thoughts I deal with daily, but I guess I shouldn't complain since its the journey I have been guided to. I have to say it this way, since 'my' will is to eat and drink and marry even as the flood approaches, reveling in pleasures. It pains me every time I write 'I' and 'me', and there is a long road ahead or maybe not. This might be crossing over into delusion, but there is no way I'm going back to the pursuit of self, and I pray for escape from it. I hope to find worth in the undeserved kindness of something or someone greater, and I hope to emulate that kindness to the point where 'I' disappear completely.

Then again, It may all just be an attempt to escape the pain and coldness of reality; just the musings of a deeply troubled mind.

I know and love the games you refer to, and I wish life was so magical. Art is an escape and one of the only reasons I can bear the dissonance. In these stories true love exists, there is destiny and power, and good triumphs over evil. There is a scene in Final Fantasy 8 where after defeating the sorceress (the villain?), the character is lost in a barren place between reality and dream. He once, earlier in the story, promised his love when they were standing in a field of flowers: "I will be waiting here, so if you come here you'll find me. I promise." Somehow she travels to a field of flowers, I'm not sure if it was in a dream or reality, and they find each other there, and everything is as it should be.

As you can see, I'm pretty messed up. I don't think I will be here on the forum much longer, I tend to be too open and my insanity and delusion becomes apparent haha. I'll continue dreaming and listening to whispers in the dark as is my fate it seems, until I'm completely gone, and free.

To reach the path of selflessness with self imposed restriction of the self.... see this thing is absolute pure madness. I am well aware of the logic of madness. Thank goodness I have them pills too as reassurance. Well most inventions come from logic of madness with a stamp of approval and lots of limits. Einstein literally was thinking of observers in a void with the logic of madness before making that relativity theory of his, was one of his pillars of thinking. If an observer moves at a speed in a complete void compared to another who sits still... who moves and who doesn't, in the lack of a point of reference, can't we say... both and none..., absolute madness of a child trying to justify everything really with ambivalent logic. The universe is in us and we are in the universe. Told you man, can't be more mad than me, but if we are both 2 mads in a void moving in our own mad way, who can say who is the really more mad, because there is no point of reference with which to measure our degree of madness, both and none and I chose none. Yeah, child logic sounds quite good now, when used properly of course. Well, I don't have no stamp of approval from the world's "rules" yet so.... it is what it is. I also tried to fuel my magic with madness, but... it didn't work... damn it! Cause I god lots of madness available to fuel that magic, that's for sure!

Post automatically merged: Sep 10, 2024

I hope this reply doesn't come across as preaching, the aim is to explain my frame of mind.

I guess its due to my religious background, but part of my darkness is the battle against the self combined with existential fears. I think I've convinced myself that the only way to escape suffering, death and the pains of life and its drama's is to reduce my self interest, to become small, to value myself just enough to survive, but not so much that I hurt others or that my own value becomes so much that I justify harming them. There is a hope in me that by doing away with me, I can somehow be in union with something greater, which is eternal: More a concept of love than an eternal person or identity. Somehow I am convinced that in this way my own death wont matter, along with all the desires that perish with the body (pride and possessions), and that by leaving 'me' behind I can enter the peace of paradise even while living. I spent ages studying Genesis and Revelation up to a point where I could recite most of it from memory, and I came to the conclusion that the knowledge of good and evil is the increased capacity of self awareness that our species evolved to have, and that the practices of our ancestors, where they starting to wear clothes and bury the dead matches with the event of gaining that knowledge of good and evil (increased self awareness) in Genesis.

When I studied the rest of the bible, and in particular the life of Jesus, this same battle became apparent, and for me this struggle became the meaning of his name. But many of our religions do exactly the opposite, elevating the self to the point where it believes promises of an eternal self, following the serpent which said "You surely will not die". Yet Jesus supposedly died and after his death 'he' was no more as evidenced by no one recognizing him, but because during his life he pursued the will of his father, not his own, giving up the self, he became someone else, a selfless concept, someone who lives again whenever a free soul expresses unconditional love. But many of our religions embrace money and power, self elevation, self preservation to the point where we fancy ourselves god without saying it directly. And in fact, this can be seen in many 'spiritual' pursuits. We warp these special gifts, somehow feeling special for a power that is not from the physical body. We gain control and wealth by it, corrupting any purity there is for the sake of the self. Just like many religions we stand up quickly as teachers, brandishing spiritual credentials, guiding others to selfish pursuits disguised as works of light. Sometimes we practice it as dark, to avoid the conflict.

Unfortunately this battle against the self causes cognitive dissonance, since self preservation is the nature of this species. Society in general is a beast borne from this, and its heading is clear. Our creativity, imagination and spirituality is such a beautiful gift and could be pure, a bride, a holy city where we can enjoy the paradise of selflessness and its escape, but we corrupt her for the sake of personal gain, and this corrupted bride rides on the beast and becomes wealthy and proud, yet guilty of a great many spiritual deaths.

These are the thoughts I deal with daily, but I guess I shouldn't complain since its the journey I have been guided to. I have to say it this way, since 'my' will is to eat and drink and marry even as the flood approaches, reveling in pleasures. It pains me every time I write 'I' and 'me', and there is a long road ahead or maybe not. This might be crossing over into delusion, but there is no way I'm going back to the pursuit of self, and I pray for escape from it. I hope to find worth in the undeserved kindness of something or someone greater, and I hope to emulate that kindness to the point where 'I' disappear completely.

Then again, It may all just be an attempt to escape the pain and coldness of reality; just the musings of a deeply troubled mind.

I know and love the games you refer to, and I wish life was so magical. Art is an escape and one of the only reasons I can bear the dissonance. In these stories true love exists, there is destiny and power, and good triumphs over evil. There is a scene in Final Fantasy 8 where after defeating the sorceress (the villain?), the character is lost in a barren place between reality and dream. He once, earlier in the story, promised his love when they were standing in a field of flowers: "I will be waiting here, so if you come here you'll find me. I promise." Somehow she travels to a field of flowers, I'm not sure if it was in a dream or reality, and they find each other there, and everything is as it should be.

As you can see, I'm pretty messed up. I don't think I will be here on the forum much longer, I tend to be too open and my insanity and delusion becomes apparent haha. I'll continue dreaming and listening to whispers in the dark as is my fate it seems, until I'm completely gone, and free.

I am in the mood for some mad jokes. Tell that big child you take his toy for misuse and he goes crazy and throws a tantrum, tell the big child something is finite and he pushes even further beyond to show there is always something more, infinity, withing the within and outside the outside. Tell the child there is infinite suffering and pleasure cause both as he wanted and then he just goes and puts a barrier, cause scared, and now we got big brain that regulates pain and makes us finite and limited for it. Oh, no, you aren't limited with just brain power, your brain actually contains subconscious which is infinite quantum power, blah, blah. But... sir child, my so called subconscious is full of horrendous things, I literally have gay rape there and I watch no such things.... child goes insane, no you gotta search for the heart to heart, brain bad. Child likes no limits, so gotta go even further beyond, to the heart to heart where everything gets along with everything and there is no pain, but infinite pleasure. How do I reach there, dear sir child... oh, you just, become selfless by self regulating the self, success... pfff guaranteed! Sir child, where does infinity come from, is it the tao constant flow of opposites? NO! infinite energy comes from the unity of self and unself of being and unbeing, so infinte energy comes from the unbeing side made into being, therefore as I say, both good! Well then, big sir child, why is this manifestation still ambivalent, can't you find a way to manifestation that is just feel positive for everyone? Ummm... yeah! But you gotta help me and don't leave me! Ummm, do this completely impossible thing, don't worry, you'll thank me later!

 

[Obscurum]

Just updating journal:

So I have been experiencing a kind of transformation, but it is not without challenges. I found a large amethyst crystal at my back door, and strange things have happened that include physical changes in my body, but I mentioned that on a post elsewhere and I still have some confusion about what is going on.

I had a dream again, and it was so strange. I had a dream about two people fighting, one was like a spirit and the other a normal man. They fought and fought but the one could not defeat the other. They fought and fought, wrestling and punching and kicking until it became dark and it started to rain heavily. Water started to rise and rise and the man had to start swimming, but he was so tired from fighting that he just sank, while the spirit drifted up and away. I felt overcome by sadness for the man, and his passing felt so personal. A voice with authority spoke to me saying: "Why do you split and break the holy city for the sake of carnal things that perish?"

This morning there is a crack in my house from the back door where the crystal appeared and where it still is since I could not move it. It runs from the back door across the tile floor and through the passage, then up the opposite side of the house. There it is so bad I can see the outside garden through the gap. Besides the worry that the foundation of my house may be cracked, I think it could be related to the dream.

I am halfway through a time that I saw in another dream, and I feel divided in myself. There is a part of me that wants to find a nice girl and get married before I'm way too old, or that would like to earn money and enjoy life, but I cant ignore the spiritual things that are happening since they feel so meaningful despite being confusing. Its so troubling, but I feel like I have to choose, or end up with nothing from either side.

I wish the shadows could stop whispering and speak clearly, and that the dreams would say practical things instead of ambiguous parable.

I feel tired. Maybe its just my mind that is shattering. I feel like throwing that crystal as far away as possible and to just return to a world that makes sense, even if it is cold and meaningless. Am I just a plaything for spirits? Or am I connecting things that are totally mundane since I need something, some magic to exist?

I decided to get out of the house for a change, hoping some fresh air would work some magic. I walked to a shop nearby to buy some snacks. While walking down the isles, I kept my hat pulled over my eyes to avoid eye contact with other people. I started to feel overwhelmed, like I could hear their thoughts unfiltered, but I pushed on. I kept seeing my sister in law, but every time I looked closer, it turned out to be someone else. Then, on my way out I saw her again, walking towards me. This time it was really her. I thought how maybe me seeing her everywhere was just another series of synchronicities building up to the event, but that's just part of why I don't go out these days. I hoped she would pass me by, but she asked how I was, then promptly started to mention how well they were doing financially, without me even asking. And in that moment I remembered why I don't like people. Its been a long time since I was shunned, and I guess even they have cooled off from that religion. But I kept thinking as she was talking, about how empty she is. I don't want to be similarly empty.

I guess I could have said something that would help with her emptiness. I could have faked a smile or an expression of being impressed by the material wealth. But I couldn't. I could only show what I felt: sadness. I could see her expression change as I did not react appropriately. Then I remembered how I tried to convince them way back how their religion was built on lies, and how I was hated for seeking the truth, and I just walked away.

Despite everything, I still love them all. I love my brother, but I cannot talk to him. Even if it was allowed, or possible now after all this time, I know I would have to keep it superficial. I don't have a brother I can talk to in any depth. He is a stranger. And like always I can anticipate the replies I would get when sharing spiritual things, so I wont even bother: Curse of an intuitive introvert they say.

Sadly, some people have the appearance of life, but inside there is nothing. I can see them, walking and talking, loving and hating; pretending that they own a meaning all while meaninglessness owns them.

I will not go down without a fight against meaninglessness, and I hope my mother manages to save me from that sad fate. She is an unfractured and beautiful city, with an amethyst foundation.

Post automatically merged: Today at 9:05 AM

Don't worry, I don't hate religion completely, I understand it has an infinite depth just like everything and just like the stars on the sky, who are always the same, in a way, for each person that picture becomes an unique interpretation. Your unique interpretation is really beautiful and it resonates with me. Also, don't worry, I don't think of you as messed up or something, I am a big emotional schizophrenic, I am way more messed up.

I know though why you hate the knowledge of good and evil, the self, so much and I can relate, it's because it brings you such pain, because you are very self conscious. I know how it feels, how it is to be self conscious like that, I took a different path from you, but had to deal with the same things in a way. That dissonance you speak of is when that self consciousness gets amplified to such a point it sees it's own contradictions and gets absolutely scared of how it is, for it shatters completely the illusion of I am a good person, I am both... but can't accept it, want to be a good person, want everyone to be happy, I want to happy too without sacrificing, oh no I am sacrificing others when I do that, but I want to be happy too, oh no I am sacrificing my dreams. Some tell you to accept it, some to just bear it, some to find a balance between selfless and selfish, some to be selfish some to be selfless. It's a mess of a thing.

You don't have to believe me though, but what if I told you the source of all that madness is from a child? In my experience, I was kind of horrified to find out that it was a child that wants everyone to be happy, everyone to smile, everyone to not suffer, everyone to feel special, no sacrifices and twists logic and words however the child wants to try to make you that way. I kind of saw the god of genesis exactly like that, when he just twisted evil for good and good for evil to reach a story conclusion where everyone gets along with everyone, everyone gets infinity and happiness and all of that. This is where my journey led me, maybe it's just a pitfall that I am unaware of and your path of selflessness is better, but I am trying, however I can, to heal this child that I know is the real me actually and so I have took my scars, madness, whatever and am going on in this way and just twist logic and everything my way, bear the world and say as it says to get by and go on. Surprisingly, my pain from dissonance is mostly gone, even though, that huge self awareness keeps on growing. Now that I have something resembling a fitting purpose that I feel... this is it, that pain kind of vanished, I have no idea where it went really.

I hope it doesn't sound like me trying to influence you to do my thing, even though we get influenced no matter what. I wrote those things to you, because I felt and still feel that we are similar in some ways and I don't want you to just fall into a big pit by yourself and just be forced to deal with that pain, I don't wish it upon anyone really. I know how much it hurts to thing the way you do, to have a voice constantly coming at the wrong moment to ruin everything to show the "other side". In my case, it got so hard the voice started to ruin my paradise of games too and it always demanded the same thing, suicide. That voice that I just can't accept as mine no matter how many times it comes, that finds a way to justify suicide, be it selflessness through some kind of meditation or whatever other thing, I reject it.

I am pretty sure you have the same problem and it demands the same thing and I hope to make you aware of it. It doesn't mean that I want to influence you to be selfish, just, that I don't want you to reach you that place. I was thinking so much of suicide and planning it, that I ended up losing myself in madness. Well, since I am talking to you here, I am not dead, but there was a huge terror that assaulted me to the point I ended up embracing the walls. That part always goes and tells you to leave everything behind, to delete it, to hide and become alone and then when you are alone, it attacks and it does so hard. While you are in the company of people, telling your problems even with the risk of others thinking you are mad... believe me you are not, then you are more safe.

There is nothing wrong with you, you just accumulated that pain more than others and now need a way to just let it out and you try to find the perfect way to let it out where you don't hurt anyone and you still think of yourself as a bad person.... I don't think so. That perfect way... although I want to find it as well, is not really available yet. I think you deserve to be happy and I stand by what I learned from my past pains. What that child told me I will tell you too, at the risk of something super selfish, that you deserve happiness, love, affection, someone to care for you, to catch you when you fall, to talk to people and tell them your dreams, your aspirations without the risk of sounding mad, to be amongst others, amongst friends, to find that true love and have it and grasp it. I didn't find them in the real world, physical since others were saying the same thing, that I am mad, but I found it in games and even though it's not enough, because they are so far away, can't really hug them now can I, it's better than nothing.

Sorry for the big long reply, here, my medication that prevented me from suicide quite a long time ago. I don't know if it will have the same effect on you, but I still wish you to have it, you are just like Joshua now in a sense.
Please listen to this from 38:12 -

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Post automatically merged: Sep 10, 2024

To reach the path of selflessness with self imposed restriction of the self.... see this thing is absolute pure madness. I am well aware of the logic of madness. Thank goodness I have them pills too as reassurance. Well most inventions come from logic of madness with a stamp of approval and lots of limits. Einstein literally was thinking of observers in a void with the logic of madness before making that relativity theory of his, was one of his pillars of thinking. If an observer moves at a speed in a complete void compared to another who sits still... who moves and who doesn't, in the lack of a point of reference, can't we say... both and none..., absolute madness of a child trying to justify everything really with ambivalent logic. The universe is in us and we are in the universe. Told you man, can't be more mad than me, but if we are both 2 mads in a void moving in our own mad way, who can say who is the really more mad, because there is no point of reference with which to measure our degree of madness, both and none and I chose none. Yeah, child logic sounds quite good now, when used properly of course. Well, I don't have no stamp of approval from the world's "rules" yet so.... it is what it is. I also tried to fuel my magic with madness, but... it didn't work... damn it! Cause I god lots of madness available to fuel that magic, that's for sure!

Post automatically merged: Sep 10, 2024

I am in the mood for some mad jokes. Tell that big child you take his toy for misuse and he goes crazy and throws a tantrum, tell the big child something is finite and he pushes even further beyond to show there is always something more, infinity, withing the within and outside the outside. Tell the child there is infinite suffering and pleasure cause both as he wanted and then he just goes and puts a barrier, cause scared, and now we got big brain that regulates pain and makes us finite and limited for it. Oh, no, you aren't limited with just brain power, your brain actually contains subconscious which is infinite quantum power, blah, blah. But... sir child, my so called subconscious is full of horrendous things, I literally have gay rape there and I watch no such things.... child goes insane, no you gotta search for the heart to heart, brain bad. Child likes no limits, so gotta go even further beyond, to the heart to heart where everything gets along with everything and there is no pain, but infinite pleasure. How do I reach there, dear sir child... oh, you just, become selfless by self regulating the self, success... pfff guaranteed! Sir child, where does infinity come from, is it the tao constant flow of opposites? NO! infinite energy comes from the unity of self and unself of being and unbeing, so infinte energy comes from the unbeing side made into being, therefore as I say, both good! Well then, big sir child, why is this manifestation still ambivalent, can't you find a way to manifestation that is just feel positive for everyone? Ummm... yeah! But you gotta help me and don't leave me! Ummm, do this completely impossible thing, don't worry, you'll thank me later!

Sorry Umi0 for taking so long to reply. Things have been off the wall crazy, and I did not expect to return here, but circumstances kind of guided me back.

I agree with you about all this having an origin from childhood, and how even now I am trying to fix that. I thank you for your kindness, and it warms my heart that someone with problems similar to my own is so strong to even help me. I appreciate you, and I take your words to heart.

I have a song recommendation for you. Its about feeling powerless in the face of evil, about loss, but also about how hope can crystalize into magic, how whats lost can reappear among the flowers on a happy day. There are no words, but that's what imagination is for isn't it?

Aerith's Theme (Final Fantasy VII), by Nobuo Uematsu