My two cents.
Shit man. We’re all big posers... at first.
"Fake it til you make it," as the Chaos Magicians say. It's a mythic journey for us, our little egos. But once you pass through Chapel Perilous, it all becomes shockingly real — more real than real. That is when all the crazy things people say in magic make a lot more sense.
But please, please do try to relax. Everyone here is tying themselves up in knots trying to find the "real tradition."
In my experience there are three distinct stages tied loosely to two different types of practices in magic:
The first is Hermetic Mind Magic. It looks and sounds very New Agey - so I avoided it years many years and focused on the Grim Verum and a Zen practice - until you realize it totally works.
Most 20th-century magic works this way, by providing people who have very weak imaginations little scenes and stories they can follow along with. The GD system works this way. Wicca and modern paganism too. Then they fight over the little stories and movies they are given, whose movie is more "real life. " Sad.
The second level is Traditional Magic, which is animist. There is a mental aspect to it that is best explored, imho, in the Dual-Aspect Monism of Dr. Jeffrey Kripal’s books. This is the level of the grimoires. It is great stuff and totally lives up to the hype. I am a Daimonic Idealist and was raised very secular, so I feel they too are just stories; but if you do them, they will stop being be stories. The daimons will DO things and act with a seeming intelligence and volition that can really mess with your sense of reality at first. Magicians in fundamentally magical cultures, like the Mexican and Haitian cultures, ,just use their local culture to integrate them, and have an easier time.
Learn from conjure / traditional witchcraft - which is not often "pagan" and is usually held within a Catholic or even Baptist (ugh) mythic system. Adapt them to your own mythic preferences, pagan or not. .Get the spirits to agree to use the stories, if they will. But you have to make it a good movie, or they'll think you're lame, and you'll get lame manifestations.
But once you integrate it, you reach the third stage:
That it's ALL true. You are an immortal manifestation of God (Infinite Consciousness) (and so is eveyone and everyting else) , and all the ridiculous things mystics and magicians have been saying make a LOT more sense.
But everyone wants to jump to stage three, usign their local stores as the fumble towrd it. tjey know there is more but they are trying tio jump the line in a effort to not do the work. I say don’t. Just enjoy the ride. Do the stuff, say the words, learn to feel and imagine deeply, and you will be shocked.
Then you don’t worry about if the system is true. A magician can make ANY system work.
I highly recommend starting with Neville Goddard. Oh, get Mitch's book and do it until you are calm and not sabotaging yourself.
If I had an Esotericism and Occult Top Ten First Books reading list then Mitch Horowitz's '30-Day Mental Challenge' may very well be in the number one spot. https://www.amazon.com/30-Day-Mental-Challenge-ebook/dp/B09Q4GLPMV I do love the demons, but I am pretty much convinced Mitch's '30-Day...
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Then pick a system of stories you can believe in. and apply it to you New thought pratice. Ideally it sync up with the Lev. 2 Animist magic, but does not need to. Make shit happen.
Then pick up the grimpires and pre -850 magic systems. Try them out. They slap hard.
The daimons / spirits will begin teaching you at that point and you can ignore just about 90% of the moden magic industral-complex noise.