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Me and my shadow

Sh4d0w

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Hello everyone. You can call me Shadow.
Before I start, I want to say this is not a fantasy story, not an exaggeration — it’s what really happened to me through my life, and I came here because I’ve reached the point where I need understanding and guidance.

Everything began with my birth. I probably wasn’t even supposed to be born. My health was extremely fragile; from the moment I came into this world, I caught something serious. I would often choke, couldn’t breathe, the doctors tried everything — injections, medicines — nothing worked. They gave up. My mother, desperate, decided to baptize me in an Orthodox church. And the impossible happened: the illness suddenly vanished. Just like that.
Doctors were in shock. They’d already given up on me, but life decided otherwise. That was the first miracle.

Growing up, I was quiet, mostly alone. My grandmother feared I would stay silent forever — she ironically taught me to swear, so I started cursing like a sailor in kindergarten, not even knowing what the words meant. That habit stayed for years.
I was always an outsider. Even when things seemed fine with people, I somehow ended up alone again. At first, I tried to fight that, but later I accepted it as part of my path.

Now, to the strange part — which is all true. When I was a child, I saw something. A shadow. It came to me at night more than once.
I remember clearly: I was sick, lying in bed. My family was celebrating something in the next room. Suddenly, my door turned transparent. I could see my mother through it, but she couldn’t see me.
And through that half-visible doorway, a shadow entered. It looked human, but featureless, dark. It looked at me, put a finger to its lips — a gesture to keep silent — then opened a drawer, searched for something, closed it, and stood near me.
At that moment my grandmother heard a sound from my room, came in — and instantly, the shadow disappeared. The door became solid again. When I told them what happened, nobody believed me. “Just a dream,” they said. But I knew it wasn’t.

Later, my family broke apart. My mother and I moved to a one-room apartment. She worked all the time, so I was often alone — at kindergarten, with grandparents, or home by myself.
There was a hallway with mirrors — one on a wardrobe and another on the wall behind it, creating a mirror corridor. Every evening, when darkness came, I felt something awaken there. A cold awareness, as if someone was watching me.

At night, we closed the door to our bedroom to keep that feeling away. But sometimes — the door would open slowly, on its own. Exactly like in horror films — creaking, inch by inch. I’d get up, close it again, go back to bed… and it would open again. Eventually, we stopped closing it altogether.
Then came another event: one night, while sleeping, we both heard scratching sounds — from under the bed. My mother heard it too. I looked — nothing was there, but the sound was clear, like claws scraping wood.

Sometimes the lights would explode or go off — only in our apartment, not the neighbors’. The wiring was fine, the fuse box locked. It made no sense.

And then — the main event that I will never forget.
It was daytime, my mother was at work, around 1 or 2 p.m. I was playing with toys, TV on, the light in the hallway still on.
I looked toward the doorway — and there it was. A tall, wide, dark figure standing there, faceless.
I froze in fear, hid behind the bed for several minutes, then slowly decided to face it. As I approached, I felt the air grow colder, and a deep humming sound filled the room. The closer I got, the stronger it became. When I was almost face to face, the temperature felt like ice. I slammed the door shut right in front of it.

I sat down, trembling, turned on the computer, and typed into the search bar:
“How to banish a ghost from an apartment.”
The moment I hit Enter, everything went black.
I don’t remember anything after that — just opening my eyes as my mother entered the room hours later.
It was already evening. The computer was off, the door open, the light on.
She saw my face and knew something was wrong. I told her everything. She thought maybe it was a thief, but the door was locked from inside, and nothing was missing. The only proof left — was the browser history. She scrolled it and saw my last search: “how to banish a ghost.” After that — nothing. No websites opened, nothing else recorded.

After that day, being in that apartment became unbearable. The fear turned into exhaustion. Objects would vanish or move. Things would fall without reason.
Eventually, we managed to sell the apartment and move out.

We went to live in my grandparents’ old two-room flat — both of them had died of cancer in the same year, strangely. After my grandfather’s death, we found something disturbing in his closet: a white T-shirt stained with blood, the bottom cut off as if by a knife, the stain near the heart area — and it was my size. We had checked that closet before many times; it had been empty. The shirt just appeared there. We got rid of it quickly.

But even in this new place, strange things began again. The same sense of being watched. I got used to it, ignored it. I adopted a cat — it helps.
Now I live far away, studying in another city, seven hours by plane from my hometown. This summer, I returned for work (I work with my mother, in the same company). The apartment is near forests and swamps.

And recently, the same feeling came back stronger. Sometimes I see a dark figure on the kitchen side, especially when lying in bed — a shape in the dark, watching. When I look directly — it’s gone.
But this time I have proof.

One night, around 1 a.m., I saw in the mirror a blurry shape forming — then a face. Clearly visible — with a horn. It looked demonic. Neither I nor my mother draw or touch the mirror, and only we have keys to the apartment.
Earlier that summer, something similar happened: on the TV screen appeared a handprint and then, during static interference, a huge face with two glowing eyes — staring at me. I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t even grab the phone — it was charging. Eventually, the image disappeared.

The photo of the mirror reflection — url:
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That night, after seeing the mirror, I somehow managed to fall asleep. But my sleep was restless.
I woke up suddenly, fully conscious — no drowsiness — and saw a woman in black, sitting on her knees near my bed, holding a small box in her hands.
Her appearance was messy, tattered, and she was extremely close.
I was terrified, pressed myself against the wall. Then, before my eyes, she faded — like smoke — and was gone. It was not a dream. I was awake.

One more thing: since childhood, I’ve been able to feel energy with my hands. Especially the left one. I can generate warmth, pressure — even at a distance of 50–60 cm. I’ve been consciously training this ability recently. It takes less time to create that warmth now. With closed eyes, I can stop my hand right before touching objects — I feel them as warm or cold, depending on whether they’re alive.

So I came here for two reasons:

To understand what exactly is haunting or observing me, and what all of this means.

To explore what kind of energy or ability I have, and how to develop it properly.

I’ve learned to live with fear, but I don’t want to ignore it anymore. I want to face it and understand.
Thank you for reading such a long story — and for your patience.
Any insights, advice, or experiences you can share will mean a lot.
 

Morell

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Deep story. Sorry to hear that you have such a problem. I hope that your stay here will be of help to you.

I'll tell you my own experience and opinions. they are only mine, so feel free to doubt, disapprove, anything, you need to find your own way.

You say that you are able to do energy work with your hands. that means that you are energy sensitive, but also that you have unusually high levels of energy of good quality. That makes you a sweet feast to the parasitic beings.

I was visited by multiple such nasties and getting rid of them as soon as possible is necessity, as they can cause heath issues, even worse I think. One night in a hotel I had dream of myself being drug addict, while watching my beloved friend, another drug addict, die from that addiction. When I woke up from that nightmare, I felt like waking up in a fridge, really cold. Since it was not my first experience of this kind, I performed my usual banishing ritual. The cold went away in seconds and I slowly returned to normal and realized that the dream was probably a distorted memory (distorted because the faces were known to me, not the one spirit knew when it was a human) of the vampiric undead soul that was trying to feed on my emotions.

These undead visited me more times. Problem is, the more they can feed, the more they hunger, because more food allows them to grow stronger, which makes them even more hungry. Similar to astral larvae. The worst that came to me, was poltergeist. Now I know that whenever I feel afraid in space where I used to feel safe, it's presence of evil spirit that does not belong there. Some run away when they notice that you can see them, but most usually they are egocentric bastards that don't fear at all. The poltergeist didn't fear me a bit when I was easily able to grap him by neck and just mocked me further.

What to do... some are easily banished and when that works I leave it at that. But sometimes they are attached to the place, or worse, to you. Then you either are able to remove the connection and if not... then it's the best to destroy them. I don't like to do that, honestly, I respect life, but sometimes lethal is the way I need to take.

I don't really do that, but I would also recommend you to study warding and other ways of sealing your home from malevolent beings.
Post automatically merged:

Looking for some spiritual being as a guide, ally or a protector is also useful stuff.
 
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AlfrunGrima

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Feel welcome first and foremost! Morell is saying good things to you, you can trust the advice. I want to draw your attention to one book in special: Magic without tools, Sean Wilde. In that book you can find decent information about learn how to protect (shielding) yourself described in a way that is for everyone understandable. I think the book possibly could be the forum, use the search function. It's been a while ago that I have read (in paperback version) it, but I think you can use it.
 

Sh4d0w

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Deep story. Sorry to hear that you have such a problem. I hope that your stay here will be of help to you.

I'll tell you my own experience and opinions. they are only mine, so feel free to doubt, disapprove, anything, you need to find your own way.

You say that you are able to do energy work with your hands. that means that you are energy sensitive, but also that you have unusually high levels of energy of good quality. That makes you a sweet feast to the parasitic beings.

I was visited by multiple such nasties and getting rid of them as soon as possible is necessity, as they can cause heath issues, even worse I think. One night in a hotel I had dream of myself being drug addict, while watching my beloved friend, another drug addict, die from that addiction. When I woke up from that nightmare, I felt like waking up in a fridge, really cold. Since it was not my first experience of this kind, I performed my usual banishing ritual. The cold went away in seconds and I slowly returned to normal and realized that the dream was probably a distorted memory (distorted because the faces were known to me, not the one spirit knew when it was a human) of the vampiric undead soul that was trying to feed on my emotions.

These undead visited me more times. Problem is, the more they can feed, the more they hunger, because more food allows them to grow stronger, which makes them even more hungry. Similar to astral larvae. The worst that came to me, was poltergeist. Now I know that whenever I feel afraid in space where I used to feel safe, it's presence of evil spirit that does not belong there. Some run away when they notice that you can see them, but most usually they are egocentric bastards that don't fear at all. The poltergeist didn't fear me a bit when I was easily able to grap him by neck and just mocked me further.

What to do... some are easily banished and when that works I leave it at that. But sometimes they are attached to the place, or worse, to you. Then you either are able to remove the connection and if not... then it's the best to destroy them. I don't like to do that, honestly, I respect life, but sometimes lethal is the way I need to take.

I don't really do that, but I would also recommend you to study warding and other ways of sealing your home from malevolent beings.
Post automatically merged:

Looking for some spiritual being as a guide, ally or a protector is also useful stuff.
Hi, thank you for your reply.
So, I have energy of good quality — which means those “scavengers” come to me to grab a sweet piece of it, right?
Yeah, it really looks like I have to learn how to fight back and defend myself from them.


From your stories it’s clear that these parasites feed on emotions — mostly negative ones like fear, anger, and others.
You also mention that the more they can feed, the hungrier they become… an insatiable desire that only multiplies the emptiness inside them. Typical parasites — that says it all.


About the fear in a safe place — yes, I’ve had that too, even now sometimes. For example, lying in complete darkness, then leaving the room just for a minute to the bathroom — and when I come back to the same room, an inexplicable fear suddenly appears, as if someone’s behind me or watching.
I used to read a lot of spiritual literature before, and it said that one of the signs of evil spirits is exactly this feeling of fear. I don’t remember where I read it — it was a long time ago, I was reading almost every night trying to find explanations for what was happening to me.


You also said that you once grabbed a poltergeist by the neck, and it started mocking you even more — you see, that’s the trick: it tries to provoke negative emotions so that you spend energy on it, and that energy is the very delicacy it feeds on.
I believe even the strongest ones can be banished, the key is not to curse or hate them. No emotions — no fear, no anger. Just protection, and if they attack — a calm but firm counter-action, without extra aggression.


As for your note about being able to destroy them… how exactly can that be done?
Is it possible not to kill them, but somehow restrain or bind them — to make them unable to make a single move again, so there’s no need to destroy them, just block and banish them far away?


“Looking for a spiritual being as a guide, ally or protector can also be useful.”
How can I find such a being? // Sorry if my questions sound stupid — I’m just a complete beginner in all this, but still very curious.
 

Sh4d0w

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Feel welcome first and foremost! Morell is saying good things to you, you can trust the advice. I want to draw your attention to one book in special: Magic without tools, Sean Wilde. In that book you can find decent information about learn how to protect (shielding) yourself described in a way that is for everyone understandable. I think the book possibly could be the forum, use the search function. It's been a while ago that I have read (in paperback version) it, but I think you can use it.
Greetings, and thank you for the warm welcome.
I found that book on the forum — I’ll download it and start reading. I think I’ll learn a lot of useful things from it.
 

Sh4d0w

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Thank you once again to everyone for your replies.
I’m honestly a bit shocked — for the first time, I’ve been accepted without judgment, without anyone saying that I’m “deluded” or that something is wrong with me.
You truly gave me advice and direction to move forward. 🙏
Post automatically merged:

I’ve finished reading the first chapter of Magic Without Tools — the “Anatomy” section.
It goes deep into the structure of the subtle body: chakras, meridians, and the aura. I also went through all 12 exercises — quite quickly, since I already had experience with similar practices and self-analysis before. Everything felt natural and flowed easily.


The first few exercises (mind observation, focus, visualization) went smoothly: I watched thoughts come and go, brought my attention back to the focus, held colors and images steadily. Energy work felt clear — I could distinctly sense warmth, tingling, and flow in different parts of the body.


The strongest experience came during exercises 10–12, when working directly with the chakras. Here’s what I saw and felt:


  • Yellow chakra (solar plexus) — there were grayish spots, small disturbances, which felt like remnants of insecurity and hesitation. I didn’t fight them — just visualized more light, and they dissolved.
  • Green (heart) — opened gently, calmly, as if it had just been waiting for support from below.
  • Throat chakra — turned out to be the most “clogged.” I saw many dark points and one distinct image of a spider gripping onto it. I imagined the chakra igniting with fire — the spider burned away and fell. After that, the chakra became bright blue and clear.
  • Third eye — only a few dots, like mental noise; they cleared easily.
  • Crown chakra — completely clean and white, nothing blocking it — the flow was open and steady.

Overall, the experience felt vivid and alive, as if I re-discovered my energy system from within. Everything unfolded naturally, without strain. I can see now that this book reached me at exactly the right time — it helped structure what I had already sensed intuitively before. 🙌
Feel welcome first and foremost! Morell is saying good things to you, you can trust the advice. I want to draw your attention to one book in special: Magic without tools, Sean Wilde. In that book you can find decent information about learn how to protect (shielding) yourself described in a way that is for everyone understandable. I think the book possibly could be the forum, use the search function. It's been a while ago that I have read (in paperback version) it, but I think you can use it.
 
Last edited:

Morell

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Hi, thank you for your reply.
So, I have energy of good quality — which means those “scavengers” come to me to grab a sweet piece of it, right?
Yeah, it really looks like I have to learn how to fight back and defend myself from them.


From your stories it’s clear that these parasites feed on emotions — mostly negative ones like fear, anger, and others.
You also mention that the more they can feed, the hungrier they become… an insatiable desire that only multiplies the emptiness inside them. Typical parasites — that says it all.


About the fear in a safe place — yes, I’ve had that too, even now sometimes. For example, lying in complete darkness, then leaving the room just for a minute to the bathroom — and when I come back to the same room, an inexplicable fear suddenly appears, as if someone’s behind me or watching.
I used to read a lot of spiritual literature before, and it said that one of the signs of evil spirits is exactly this feeling of fear. I don’t remember where I read it — it was a long time ago, I was reading almost every night trying to find explanations for what was happening to me.


You also said that you once grabbed a poltergeist by the neck, and it started mocking you even more — you see, that’s the trick: it tries to provoke negative emotions so that you spend energy on it, and that energy is the very delicacy it feeds on.
I believe even the strongest ones can be banished, the key is not to curse or hate them. No emotions — no fear, no anger. Just protection, and if they attack — a calm but firm counter-action, without extra aggression.


As for your note about being able to destroy them… how exactly can that be done?
Is it possible not to kill them, but somehow restrain or bind them — to make them unable to make a single move again, so there’s no need to destroy them, just block and banish them far away?
I'm nothing natural in spirituality, but I worked during years and now I follow a path of a Vampire. Psychic vampire to be specific. And these negative beings are made of energy - a food for psychic Vampire. When I intent to destroy them, I first drain them dry, which completely inhibits them. Then I in some way destroy what is left, usually using elemental fire, turning the remains into the ash that I then let the wind to blow away.

I did that only once so far, but these negative beings appear relatively rare around me. Good for me, as well as for them. If you want to know in that one case, that poltergeist, i grabbed him, he mocked me so i drained him dry. He then turned into bones, skull spine, hands and chest. So I then turned bones to ash with fire and then let the ash to disperse in the wind.
Post automatically merged:

Oh, missed your question. How to get a spiritual ally? Many ways, no easy answer. When you start working with any spirit or deity, you develop a relationship and can turn into deep trusting friendship, which is strong bond. You can reach to some spirit and make an agreement. Not bad start. You many just take a look and see if there is any spirit that likes you and wants to work with you and protect you themselves. You can do shamanic work in finding your personal animal.

Sorry, no easy answer, but that's the beauty of it. You can find great friends among humans, just like among the spirits. And be willing to accept no as an answer. Not all spirits are willing to befriend you... don't take that personally and respect their freedom and individuality.
 

Sh4d0w

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After working through the first three chapters of the book — the anatomy of the subtle body, chakras, the aura, and perception — I completed all of the foundational practices and was finally able to see clearly what I had previously only felt intuitively and unconsciously. When I began to visualize the chakras not as symbolic images, but as actual energetic centers, specific structures and states began to reveal themselves.

In the solar plexus, there was a grey static-like distortion — which directly matched the internal hesitation and residual insecurity I’ve been aware of. I didn’t try to suppress or “force it open” — I simply illuminated it from within, and the interference dissolved. The heart chakra opened softly and naturally — it simply needed energetic support from below. The most congested area was the throat chakra: it appeared darkened, with the image of a spider gripping onto it — a very accurate symbol of suppressed expression, unspoken words, and muted reactions. I burned it out with light, and the chakra became clear, sky-blue. The third eye had some minor internal noise, which cleared easily. The crown chakra was already clean and active — the upper channel has always been strong for me; the issue was in the middle flow.

When all the centers aligned evenly, there was a sense of inner radiance, as if warmth and light were emerging from within the entire energetic structure.

Then I realized that I can not only feel energy, but also shape it. I formed an energetic “spike” — and by mistake, I directed it inward, into my chest, piercing myself sharply and fully. There was no physical pain, but the sensation of tearing in the subtle body was very real: like a hole, an empty space inside, with cracking sensations. I restored this space through breath and green healing light. The conclusion is clear: attacking oneself with energy is not useful — intention and direction are critical. Now I work with form only outward. Experiments like that on myself are better left behind.

Separately, I want to note an experience with my dorm roommate. He returned late at night. We were both awake, interacted briefly — and there was no smell at all. If it were clothing, body, or shoes, I would have noticed immediately. But in the morning, after he had slept and I woke up first, the room was filled with a heavy, rotten, “death-like” odor that triggers a physical sense of disgust. It wasn’t food, trash, clothing, or hygiene. The feeling was that this was not a physical smell, but an emanation of stagnation in the field — when internal energy doesn’t move, emotions are suppressed, will is lowered, and something inside a person seems to decay slowly over time. I simply began to sense it directly with the subtle body.

As of now, my abilities seem to be: I feel energy in the body (heat, tingling, pressure), I can read the state of a person’s field (softness, heaviness, density, stagnation), I can create and direct energetic forms (sphere, flow, spike), and I can cleanse and realign my centers. The book did not “give” me this — it simply organized what was already present.

One question: in which section should I post my experiences and notes? Would this be appropriate here?
Journals, Thanksgiving & Success Stories or Energy Manipulation and Vampirism
 

HellenaHex

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After working through the first three chapters of the book — the anatomy of the subtle body, chakras, the aura, and perception — I completed all of the foundational practices and was finally able to see clearly what I had previously only felt intuitively and unconsciously. When I began to visualize the chakras not as symbolic images, but as actual energetic centers, specific structures and states began to reveal themselves.

In the solar plexus, there was a grey static-like distortion — which directly matched the internal hesitation and residual insecurity I’ve been aware of. I didn’t try to suppress or “force it open” — I simply illuminated it from within, and the interference dissolved. The heart chakra opened softly and naturally — it simply needed energetic support from below. The most congested area was the throat chakra: it appeared darkened, with the image of a spider gripping onto it — a very accurate symbol of suppressed expression, unspoken words, and muted reactions. I burned it out with light, and the chakra became clear, sky-blue. The third eye had some minor internal noise, which cleared easily. The crown chakra was already clean and active — the upper channel has always been strong for me; the issue was in the middle flow.

When all the centers aligned evenly, there was a sense of inner radiance, as if warmth and light were emerging from within the entire energetic structure.

Then I realized that I can not only feel energy, but also shape it. I formed an energetic “spike” — and by mistake, I directed it inward, into my chest, piercing myself sharply and fully. There was no physical pain, but the sensation of tearing in the subtle body was very real: like a hole, an empty space inside, with cracking sensations. I restored this space through breath and green healing light. The conclusion is clear: attacking oneself with energy is not useful — intention and direction are critical. Now I work with form only outward. Experiments like that on myself are better left behind.

Separately, I want to note an experience with my dorm roommate. He returned late at night. We were both awake, interacted briefly — and there was no smell at all. If it were clothing, body, or shoes, I would have noticed immediately. But in the morning, after he had slept and I woke up first, the room was filled with a heavy, rotten, “death-like” odor that triggers a physical sense of disgust. It wasn’t food, trash, clothing, or hygiene. The feeling was that this was not a physical smell, but an emanation of stagnation in the field — when internal energy doesn’t move, emotions are suppressed, will is lowered, and something inside a person seems to decay slowly over time. I simply began to sense it directly with the subtle body.

As of now, my abilities seem to be: I feel energy in the body (heat, tingling, pressure), I can read the state of a person’s field (softness, heaviness, density, stagnation), I can create and direct energetic forms (sphere, flow, spike), and I can cleanse and realign my centers. The book did not “give” me this — it simply organized what was already present.

One question: in which section should I post my experiences and notes? Would this be appropriate here?
Journals, Thanksgiving & Success Stories or Energy Manipulation and Vampirism
Greetings, I saw your question at the end of this post and thought I would share my recommendation with you since no one else has had the chance to yet. If you want to keep track of your personal experiences with your practice and notes I would put them in the journal section. However, if you want to share your energy techniques and hear input from others I would put them in the Energy Manipulation and Vampirism forum. If you want to write how you do a technique in a walk through style for others to try you should post it in the Tutorials forum. I hope this helps.🦇✨
 

MorganBlack

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Sh4d0w, I am so sorry you have experienced these things. You poor thing!

Let me say. You've come to the right place. Good folks here who can share their knowledge, experience, and make good suggestions. No charge. No gatekeeping. No judgement.

(OK, a little bit of in-fighting over various cosmo-conceptions, but that is to be expected when people dig deep into a serious personal practice. )
 
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