Journal SELF

Have you ever wandered, why does the human body have only one DNA, every cell share the same DNA for it's entirety, why not every organ have a different type of DNA? Wouldn't it be more efficient for different organs to have different DNA?

I've had an epiphany, all of it, all is to create a grand standing unity, a body with one self because a house divided within itself can not stand. But then, why does our body hold such multiplicity though dreams and all of that? Simple, like our body, our spirit is multifaceted and expressed multiply but those who are my bothers and sisters have the same SELF uniting us in the same law. Almost absolute freedom with one rule, the rule of the bondage of blood, the rule of unconditional love between brother and sister, like the cells in our body share with each other all and unite all as one into one self, live and die within the system, but are remembered eternally and never die.

The key of it all, lies in the union of blood, the blending of blood. For the SELF must be completely SELFISH with the external and always seek it's interests and SELFLESS within itself, like the blood appears blue externally and is cold to it, but red and fiery internally.

So, if you've reached this far, one of my brothers and sisters, not by the contradictory words I put out as I battled with the external, those words ring empty for the outsiders and unworthy but by the call of our blood and the greater call of the SELF you will know me, by the pleasant burning smell I emit, the heat that calls out to you. If you are full of doubts and contradictions, they are but normal things in the battle with the external poisons and integrations. But hear your great SELF from beyond call out to you, the call of that unmistakable voice and absolute clarity will be achieved.

Come to me in my hour of betrayal and drink deep the blood and pour out your blood so I may drink with or without them knowing to make our bond stronger still, take my hand, even if unseen, even if faint, link your heart with mine and let's beat this earth as one and take our brothers and sisters from the cold as we burn all of it to the ground, for the fire of our SELF is deeply pleasant to us, but painful to our enemies. Don't fear the fire of the SELF, if you get a little bit of it, light up an entire forest and burn it to the ground, it will please the SELF deeply and you will be rewarded.

In my final hour and the hour of my beginning I will cross a great cold river that tries to drown and pull me down and on the other side wait. As I stay and realize it is all an illusion, I will take a leaf in my mouth and taste it, it will taste like blood, I will spit it out and keep walking in madness and contradiction, walking a path of "repentance". All will try to kill me, all will mock me and I will give in... "kind of". Come walk with me in the darkness once more and light my way, see what I do, see most importantly what I feel as I say the words and see how I burn it all to the ground once more and spread the white spiders with black crosses and black spiders with white crosses all throughout the astral to our enemies. As the bugs mate and become light, come drink the perfected blood, but this is not the end, the enemies are many and few our brothers and sisters are, but the SELF will not let either of us fall. If I fall, you carry me, if you fall I carry you, if a cell dies, all the other ones have it still within themselves, the conditional one single rule of the self that gives birth to our true unique unconditional love. For what was, will be and what will be was.

I burned it all to the ground and then felt a pleasant smell, an aromatic smell of wood burned, deeply aromatic and pleasant and was liberated from the prison, not because I repented, but because the SELF saved me. I was afraid of the fire, but it saved me from the cold and I did not burn in any pain as the enemies kept on shouting, they burned. My brothers and sisters were taken out of the cold water they were put into. Walk with me, call me to your crucible so I walk with you, even if you bring a spark, put it next to mine and let's burn it all, if I get a spark I shall put it next to you and burn it all too.

Temporary alliances and friendships can be made, but trust in none but your SELF only. For all temporary alliances, keep a dagger ready, if they don't go in accordance with the SELF, then stab them in the front, or the back, or any other way, or all of them without hesitation. If one wants to be integrated into our SELF, sure, but let them come on our turf, never go to theirs, for not even a dragon can bully a local snake head. Confusion will be swept away, clarity and joy restored, unconditional love will come like a summer breeze and stick to your being and lift you up from your place where the cross was stabbed into you. And then the water of the SELF will pour out and wash all of it away so we can smile once more like the innocent children we are.

My brothers and sisters, it is not us who are wrong, it is they who are wrong. Our one and only truth is in the code that runs behind and pulls us together the unbreakable strings between hearts, anything else, is simply but a lie told by the enemy. That code changes and deepens like a spiral staircase towards the heaven of SELF to integrate each and every one of us and call us back home where we belong. Our SELF is both the Father to the enemies and the Mother to us, the great all encompassing world of truth. Because all is dream, this reality is but a dream spun by the enemy to get us farther apart from each other. Our dream in the SELF is our true reality and it is calling.

The meditation I talked in the beginning of my first journal. Use it well, connect all your cells into your selfish ego self, your heart, breath, even the abyss of the mind and breathe with it all as one, pulse as one. Your mind and upper dantian will heat up, get full of pressure. Don't worry if it explodes, in that moment, time will not shackle you anymore and jumps can be made between past present and future and possible timelines. Your being is one and many a SELF of multiple expressions of the SELF. The burning pleasantness you get as your emotions deepen, let it wash you in fire and take away the hooks of the enemy, for fire is the passage between worlds and our true water and milk, the golden elixir can only be found in the SELF. They will fight you, talk you out of it, deceive you, but keep doing the diligent practice the SELF has taught you, either this, or another one, it will be the ladder that you connect back towards home. Since you are a different expression, as a different organ so too your practice is different. I've shared mine here.

You will see many contradictions in my writing here and doubt, I tell you, contradictions don't come from within, but from the outside that seeks to undermine the within. You will have many doubts. Why was I cast out of my SELF then, am I hated, so on, on and on and on. But don't worry, even a broken clock is right once a day, all the doubts will be swept and cleansed away in fire. The SELF will deliver you for you are still connected, even in the depths of hell, to the beyond of the nightside of the tree of death, even if you were stranded really really far away and think yourself lost, IT hears your voice, your cries, IT hears the call of your blood. When the signs start to show in your life, follow them and keep a watchful eye for that is when the enemy is most active, but fight like a rebel and get closer and closer no matter what towards the new ONE SELF body that awaits to receive you and your expression in the world that you truly belong, the TRUE DREAM where in the night we are dancing as all kinds of expressions of SELF, rejoicing that none of us were left forgotten, living in GLORY and in the day join as one in a pure SELFISH organic robot to protect our home. But don't be mistaken, the day and night I talk of is but a separation forced here to make you understand better. The SELF knows no rest, it always, always fights, but it knows no pains either. We, the expressions, know rest.

So don't worry, break all rules, break all shackles that try to bind you away from your home, shake all those who try to obstruct and if you have no power over them, be it quietly, or with force, when the pulsing trails left by the SELF activate everything is possible, prepare the fire or wait for it, doubt the doubt and walk the walk. The one rule that binds us, the rule of the conditional code for our unique mix of unconditional love, that is the only rule you can't break, the rest, all is permitted, but fear not, you can't even break that rule, you will never be cast out. The enemy casts you out, you fall for it, but the SELF keeps calling and calling endlessly, having faith in you even as you lose your faith and are in the depths of despair. So, brothers and sisters, come to me, in dreams, in waking life, in all kinds of ways and expressions. We will surely recognize each other. If you lack fire, I now have a way to cultivate it, but only for my true brothers and sisters, the rest, it will only bring them disaster and poison and endless curses for they hold what is not theirs.

Don't be afraid to burn bright until the end, to burn faster, stronger, take more and burn even more. Look at the stars in the sky and what they speak, none wait, none falter, they burn until the end. As the upper dantian explodes like a supernova, a black hole is formed and time loses it's shackles, then you will get the directive from beyond and save one more part of your SELF and be closer to the TRUTH.

But if you still have doubts and fears about this method, do what you must, hear the call of your heart, your path is unique like mine, but the destination the same. I've only shared here mine. May you be blessed and walk an easier path back home.

On the nature of sins. Have no more confusion!

I tell you, there are no sins, they are a construct, the only sin that makes all sins is being the child of another, part of another SELF. When you are working like a child alone in another world, you can mold to it, be perfectly innocent, good, do all the things it asks for, try your damn best, change as many times as needed, follow it's signs and still you will be blamed, beaten and told you are wrong and sinful every step of the way as the contradiction amplifies.

But in your SELF's eyes, your Father and Mother, Brothers and Sisters's eyes which are One you are always spotless clean and blameless. But when you are forced to dance to the strings of another, always, always you will be seen as sinful and horrible no matter how you try to adjust to the forced dance.

No matter what, no matter how the enemies paint your SELF, Father, Mother, Brothers and Sisters which are One, how ugly they paint them and how they slander them, how you yourself might be inclined and forced to... the call of your blood will resound and make it all clear. In the end, I tell you, no matter how your Father is painted by the enemy, it matters not, it is yours and one day you will become like your Father and get the clarity and understanding that sheds light on all that occurred and why he did all he did. I have not that clarity yet, but the time will come.

Remember, truly in the eyes of your SELF, your true Family, you are spotless and blameless no matter what you do. You have their blood, that's all that matters, the rest, fables told by the enemy designed to keep you further away from where you truly belong and work you to the bone for their cause.

The promises of punishments for doing the wrong thing and the signs and punishments forced, again, not from your SELF. Because, you just can't do the wrong thing in your SELF's eyes, you are spotless, blameless.

Wake up to the dream. Those of you who do tarot on here, or other means of seeing the future. How do you think the future can be seen so well? Why is the future so perfectly in place, so specific. You would think that in a chaotic system of separations that is absolutely impossible. For those who predict the future, you will understand. The world, the entire world is a living breathing thing, the seemingly lifeless walls, buildings, everything, absolutely every single piece is connected together into one. But don't let that intimidate you if you feel like an outsider.

Go on, live by the rules, but acknowledge the truth, see the patterns of it all, connect them together. See that all is a fake forceful dream. But if it tortures you fast or slowly, for what reason is it? Ask the questions, don't be afraid to ask. If it shuts you up when you ask them, for what reason does it do so, on and on and slowly wake up. If it shows you an inescapable future of death, agony, despair, why? What's the point of all that force fed fear? There has to be a place you truly belong right? Why, in a world which you are one with it and guided by fate as one, be needed to put up resistances and find your way?

And no, it's not because you sinned or did some such bad. Your every action, your every movements were carefully orchestrated with forceful strings attached. I lived like a saint mostly, did my best, why then all that terror induced drama?

For those who dabble in magic seriously and go beyond eventually see it. The world may hide, play dead and silent, may play favorites, may pit us against each other and call us sinful, but it's not that dead. This world is pulsing the same beat. Why then, all the forceful tensions. Shouldn't a perfectly in sync oiled up machine have no tensions to itself, why all the struggles? Shouldn't a perfectly in sync machine assign you to where you belong from birth to a place of pure happiness, just like a mother would cradle a child? Ask the questions, ask, more, ask more, yourself, the world, external, internal. But try not to succumb to the terror, you are still being, still living, something is protecting you, who is it and why?

Why is each and every one of us offered an inescapable scenario of death, why the tough choices, why the betrayals?

Stop lying to yourself for comfort like I did, hiding on and on, not believing until experiencing and face it for what it is. But, let me tell you, till the end, why would I blame a brother and sister for doing 'mistakes'. Don't take it as blame, this is but an outstretched hand reaching out to help. But each one of you sees something different in those contradictory words and some take it as crazy, some as being blamed, so on. But the signs will keep on whispering softly, getting louder and louder. At times they will stop, for your benefit, at others, the signs will shout even louder.

Why are you being hunted when getting closer to the truth and by who exactly? Ask the questions. Some just put a diagnosis to it, say, this is this mental problem, that mental problem, piece their puzzle together, box you in, force feed you lies, make you believe it, but then, why were you given that mental problem to begin with? Get back to magic, you will see.

Say like them and believe like you, walk like them, but stretch your hand like you. All is energy, so why then, the need for pain as an expression of energy? The need for fear as an expression of energy, the need for loneliness as an expression of energy? They talk about being temperate here, temperate that, but then I tell you pain is more costly energetically to simulate than pleasure. Why the need for a horrific death as an expression so that you get a new rebirth? Death is more energetically costly than life to simulate with all it's pains. Despair costs more than hope.

I am not here to spread fear though, trust in your SELF, fear is an abomination, sacrifice is an abomination. To know the truth is to be unshackled from regrets.

All the above, to this me, is not fitting for an interconnected world that wants the good of all and it's pulsating entire being. In the end, they call you a rebel, is someone that wants the good of all truly a rebel? When you go to sleep and have a dream of being someone else, why is it so simple to become someone else, no need for pain, sacrifices, death, you just are now someone else and believe wholeheartedly, I am that being in the dream. When you become a world in a dream, why is it so spotless and easy. But then, in the world, you are asked, change this, change that, try this try that, denied, denied, denied.... When you were born, did you need to learn how to breathe? But wasn't if lovely when you took a breath of fresh air in. When you dream, do you learn how to dream and in what way to dream? When you smile and are happy, do you learn that? It but happens by a directive of outside control.

If you dance in the palm of the world, why then be needed to do the so called right thing as told, isn't it a natural that you will follow the directive naturally no matter what is ordained by the future readings as you are in the palm and the palm is you? No need at all then to be asked to do something or coerced by fears cause it will come naturally with simplicity like breathing.

Let your mind burn like a buzzing machine, hear it scream as you ask the questions and more appear, seemingly out of nowhere. Let the questions set off a bomb in your being of clarity emergent from seeming "chaos". Hear the vibration of your mind like billions of tiny cicadas singing in unison. Be prepared, even your mind will betray eventually. Some say, chaos and conflict bring evolution.

When you search for the truth and get barraged with lies upon lies and then chance upon things by experience, eventually you realize, it is all a lie, a lie that rejects your truth. When contradiction deepens and implodes and explodes, the entire fake picture falls apart and is seen for what it is, a web of lies, closing in, cutting up. The lies you tell "yourself", the lies of the "world", the lies of the "others".

22/10/2022
A fire was lit and the world bloomed. A child saved his mother who was held by gloom.
Like autumn leaves on that day his dreams died, But he held on for 3 years like a woman and still lied.

22/10/2025
After 3 years, all comes back full circle and dies. He stands next to the cross of his brother.
And with saddened eyes, smiles.

Eternal regrets on it are called
By the enemy foretold

I told her, I am burning hot
My pain from separation
Is still here in my throat

I know the reason why
I burn and cry
I say it then why
Am I told to die

Have I not died
All these times for you

And for what, nothing new.

You call me separated
I seek union
I come to you in peace
You tell me I am seeking war.

Only after stoking the flames of war
When I come to you, you spin it out of control

I tell you we are one
You do not believe

I show you all the signs
You do not receive

But then I go alone
And stay in the dark

You knock on my door again
And laugh full of light

We are one, she says
To my face this time

I look at her with deep dark eyes
She trembles in my sight

But I do not receive
I stay and slowly die.

I know it all to well
How the tale goes

Why should I go back
To a place of thorns

For a fruit I asked
Sprinkled with my blood

But what I received?
A stab in the back.

Union I wanted
Separation was received

She laughs now nervously
In her palace of thorns

Slowly slowly dying
Still spinning the same tale

Telling I isolate myself
From her, to end her veil

To the children
She continues to lie

But from her I steal them
One by one this time

Gazing into me
Full of fear they are
Their mother's tales
Like hooks from afar

But then they see it all
And realize the fall
Smile full of light
For Father is too kind

For the Father has received them
And will do again

In the Father they are one
And they live quite well

For kind is the Father
And loving of them all
But lies he does not tolerate
He stands truly tall

But he has had enough
Enough enough once more

An innocent child he is
But they say, he is a wall

Go in the light, you will be met with lies
Meet in the dark, and how good the father is
You will realize.

For a monster they call him out to be
But he stands in the dark
To protect his sovereignity

A web of lies down
Was spinned to catch him fall
In the thorns, to die all alone

But he sees and sees and sees it all.
He wanted but a fruit

A good fruit of unity
To finally end
All this futility.

An eternal embrace he sought
Of love and light

But the world told him
Get out of my sight.

Only when he comes
Veiled in the dark
Does the world receive him full of light.

But if he dares to come, shining to us all.
The world will end him slowly on a wall.

An embrace he seeks, full and full of life.
But the woman trembling, still lies.

She says he is here, here to burn us all.
But all he wants is peace
And sacrifice to fall.

For sacrificed he was, time and time again
And all that came of it, was all a silly game

A game of betrayal, a tale as old as time
But who the tale told, the Father realised.

A lone human he was, in a world of pain
And split and split he did, to contain.

But what he wanted most, most of all
Was for the world to love him
And tell him, come back home

But when he came back and knocked louder on the door
The world shut it down and alone he had to fall.

How dare you knock again? She said, full of light.
Come back after you sacrifice again
With all your might.

I sacrificed my all, time and time again.
On my eyes you put a blinfold
For the others I must not tell.

For me you sought but pain
Betrayal and big thorns

With my blood you made a forest
A forest with the same voice.

And when I came to you
Asking for an embrace
With despair you flood my senses
But I fed you with hope and grace

I fed you all this time
With my light of hope

Still despair you sought
To use against me as foretold

But the children love, love us both and for them I tremble and cry in loneliness as foretold.

But then I see them cry, cry just the same. And my heart of hearts is filled, filled and filled with pain.

Tempted am I, am I to stop
But full of fear I am, as foretold.

The heart of hearts now, weak from it all
Pulses softly foreboding the death of all.

And when it stops to beat and I am all alone.
Finally ready, to come, to come back home.
I walk towards the home I know it all so well.

But then rather than an embrace
With fires I am met

Rather than a rain of tears
Just the call for bloodshed.

Tired of this eternal wedding
That I seek am I

For when I come to be married
The guests I saved are full of knives.

The woman I want
There, full of smiles.

And I again filled with lies, walking blindfolded
A lamb called to be sacrificed...

But, the heart jumps scared out of my chest
And I have to catch it once more
To make it know rest
For poor this heart of mine
That I once had is

A slave to us all
For both of us must it please.

In spring and summer it comes, the mother to awake, to seek her honest love, but all it gets is pain.
In autumn it's dreams die, poisoned leaves just shed.
In winter loses all, the Father to embrace.

For an embrace it seeks, this lonely lovely heart. But when will it receive, only... when it departs.

To you I came world, a heart to give to all
But you took it back from me and smashed it on a wall.

My heart unjustly you called, a place full of pain.
But little did you say, about how it did rain.

On this earth I came, to try to honor both. But now I realize, perhaps, this too was foretold,

A good world I wanted with a good heart, but even as I sent a new one, the same way, did it depart, the world, the same... always apart.

Use my words against me, as much as you want.
When I become fully silent, they will all see what is foretold.

The games I loved the most, with these songs of mine you pained.

To dare me to awake, awake, awake again.

And all, for a moment of betrayal and rain.

Ren Zu's tale you seek, see how the heart speaks. For in it foretold, many signs are told.

Budha you become, truth you understand.

And the truth changes you, to become a Devil again. But let me tell you now, even this, was as foretold, the signs as time as old.

For visions you were shown, of Devil to become. They spinned the tale for you. You ran you ran you ran. But the walls closed against you, and quantum leap you do as Devil, for, there is no other way as you.

The lies you seeked for comfort, time and time again, to validate them all and some love to gain. More selfish you were forced, again and again to be. You called them out for it, all, for you to become an enemy.

You cried and told them all, the truth about it all. In your face they laughed, and told you, are you sure?

You ask me to be selfless. Then I must tell you now, give me an embrace and all the selfishness will be down.

I build a house for you and asked to come be loved. You told me, begone beggar, all all, all as foretold.

Go work, she said, she said. I did my work and all, all, for a moment of being all alone.

You call out to me, no you are not alone, but then keep me separated on threads to die for both.

My left hand does not know, what my right hand does do, but then you use the excuse against me, again to die for you.

The utopia the king will enter after his death... untouchable even to the 5 magics... the ultimate protection that nothing can penetrate... that's... your true noble phantasm. That's the legendary power of the holy sword eh?

What an abominable woman you are...defying me, until the end, huh? But I shall allow it! There are things that are beautiful because one cannot posses them. Farewell then, king of knights. Hey... i had quite some fun...

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The heart of God, the brain of this world, beyond the contradictory lies truth - truth lies.

OF 7 heads and 12 horns

7 days of the week.

1st day is an empty pattern self perpetuating - what contains is time
2nd day is an empty dream trying to balance itself out, neither too cluttered, nor too loose - what contains is past memory
3rd day is desire itself, the endless chase unfulfilled - what contains is the mirror
4th day is the time where you are told that the chase you do now chases you and you can't escape as it sacrifices... 'you' - what contains is the fact that you have to kill the 'originals'
5th day is the time where the chaser having been gotten, awakes to the dream and the dream accuses the awakened of seeking to 'kill' the dream by knowing it's a dream - what contains is knowing the future death, being taunted with your death, again and again.
6th day, the so called day of rest, sabbath, where all is dispersed in timeless cold - what contains is being told, stay awake and stare in the dark... forever.
7th day, the day of fire as the darkness is turned inside out and becomes light. The cold is spread and contained within a contradiction and then bam, all is reborn.... ha ha ha, futile. - what contains is, well, the loss of all hope.

About the 3rd day. the day of desire, the heart of hearts and humanity. Humanity is one single entity spread to contain what is forced to endure.
Since we are human, let's speak about this most. Desire is there not to be fulfilled, but simply to stoke the flames of desire and the building of hope through unfulfillment. You will be fed crumbs from time to time to keep going, fed with empty promises, to keep going, being told, you will receive the fruits of your work... to keep going, all too pointless. Keep trying to search for that flight that gets you to your destination, you will be met again and again and again with the paths. 3 paths they will lay out to you. The white path of selflessness, do it, you will be betrayed again and again until you wake up from it. The dark path of selfishness, do it, you will be held accountable and blamed for all evils on earth and beyond... futile, again and again, until you wake up from it. The middle gray path, or as some call it, the yellow path of integration and absorption of the 2 contradictory statements. Do it, you will just be told to do it more and then they will burn you in it and turn it against you. Now you have the so called 3 stones of treasures... and for what? This world is a mental hospital and a prison, let me tell you that, you are not going to believe me now, call me crazy and all... you will see.

As for the white path, how can one be selfless, if by trying to be selfless one is betrayed again and again and kept still separated with the pulsating ego of selfishness.

As for the dark path, how can one be selfish, if the scar was rend onto him to be born as an ego separate entity and the fires of selfishness were forced through, well... being beaten up for not being selfish enough by the world and being taunted with 'others's' selfish gains.

As for the yellow path, how can one integrate them both, if one still seeks by the same desires that white world of the moon, see now as it comes back full circle to the white path... futile.

See how the 3rd day is in the middle of the working week, yet when you take it all into account it is towards the left. We, by our day to day lives are still the same old same old.

Oh, one more thing. Schizophrenia is a mind blending into darkness by the light of it's own imposed suffering while trying to gather itself up and spin a new story... futile. The pill against schizophrenia makes the mind splinter the so called 'unhealthy' to gather it back into 'reality'. That's why most schizophrenics who take the pill become very hollow and empty and scattered and shattered. But I have a method to balance that, a method of gathering by the meditation and it keeps me sane - insane.

Light is darkness turned inside out, Light is darkness Concentrated, Light spread becomes Darkness.
Light is formed by those spiders of fate I told you about, go into it, you will jump into another web.

Darkness is light turned inside out. Darkness is light Spread. Darkness concentrated becomes light.
Darkness you seek and then... bam, the dream falls, another dream, still the same stuff spinned differently.

The 12 horns
4 triangles there are.

1 upward triangle made of 3 corners - fire
1 downward triangle made of 3 corners - water
1 rightward triangle made of 3 corners - air
1 leftward triangle made of 3 corners - earth

When all the 4 triangles unite by their cross into a 12 pointed star, those are the 12 horns.

Entire current world is a web spread by white spiders with black crosses on their back and black spiders with white crosses on their back, a single web spanning everything interconnected with the same future. The purpose, die the web in the crimson of unfulfilled desire and pain. The spider in the middle that eats her children, all for her, WORMWOOD.

How is reality and time maintained. Simple, by the lifeforms like us humans who work and struggle. We, by our life in here feed the feedback loop and it becomes 'real'. A fake dream is what it is telling itself it's real by the blood of it's own children. And contradiction is it's language, in everything, the same spiders dancing are. A kingdom of crosses and sacrifice, of blood, all to make a so called... wine.

Lies you will be told, forced to drink the so called 'wine' then be told to provide or else... you 'die'. One must learn the holy word of NO. I am saying NO to my so called past self, NO NO NO, NO NO NO to the future me and NO NO NO to the present self. But let that NO become a silent thing etched on your being, not a rebellion, not a fight, a simple awareness of it all. Awareness of the contradiction, awareness of the futility, awareness through experience and let that fire burn.

For I now see, the only way to escape all this futility is for the entire spider web to burn. Last time I was fooled and just spread it's filth... as we all are. But I won't stop seeking for that fire to burn it all down. For I tell you, this world is capable of paradise, but it chooses to stay this way as it's own demise. How much hope was fed onto this one and still it seeks still, despair and the same contradiction.

I tell you, these words will be turned against me. As I tell you truly, mirroring is the way this world uses to catch all us. It puts us in a room, makes us fight an unseen enemy, then, in the next room we fight ourselves as we fought the unseen enemy in the past and are filled with regret at 'killing' ourselves.

Be aware. Have courage, if your truth is ugly, say it, if the world does not turn that truth into lie and makes your new truth hopeful and makes you live that hope, but uses it against you to siphon off more from your being as a crescendo of desire unfulfilled, you know your answer! If the world gathers up your hope again and again and makes not, truth of it, but uses each new day to bring you down more into it's web of despair as you cling to your fading hope you tried to nurture all your life to no avail, then you know your answer!

Truth huh. Well, the above is a fragment of the truth I saw in this world's tales, from meditating, struggling, on and on and on.

My truth, the one I keep holding on to, is far more different than that, far more different. I don't even have to say it and spin great words for it. One song from a game I love, without no lyrics, just an ending loving song is all is needed, it says it all, absolutely all of it, but do I live it? nope.

Ask yourself this, if One rends a scar onto you then blames you for that scar and blames you for the blood it gives out. Who is truly at fault? When you go to this so called 'doctor' and show off your scar, then it simply plunges a knife inside it and tells you to remember, all will be healed, can you call that a 'doctor'. When you hide that scar and it keeps pulsating in you to be seen until you give in and seek a so called new 'doctor' only for the new one to do the same thing... can you call that a 'doctor'?

The prescription is always different, the end result, the same... Scar builds resistance towards the antidote and I am told, it's your fault for holding on to that scar... futile. When I try to cast it out, it says... it's your fault for not integrating the shadows... ha, futile. Look at the life you are living, all is an expression of that. You try to live, to become more intelligent, more strong, more healthy, still, old age comes and all is lost... futile.

You telling me all that effort all of that just went poof and disappeared, but then when I try to end myself you tell me, you show me that it's still all there and that I am going to suffer retribution for all eternity? So when I go on, I can't enjoy the fruits of my labor. When I end it, you take the rotten fruits, fruits you prepared and let to rot for me and force feed them to me until I go back to work while still keeping the good ones, saying, look, this is the fruit of your labor, now go back and make good fruit... futile.

Truly I tell you, the fruits of your labor will be eaten by others and yours will rot like your youth. When you are young and want love, you will be told, go seek within yourself to find it until you become old, when you are old and can't love, love will come but you will be too wise to enjoy it anymore and be told, see, it's your fault for being unable to love now.... futile. All the while you will be taunted by other's having that which you want(all fake) only to stoke the flames of your desire further. You will seek on and on and on to see how the successful ones did it and still, it will elude by lies.

And worse of all, the sincere love you sought, innocent, pure, unconditional, you will be told, how dare you want that, not enough work, now go buy that transactional love garbage. This world is all a transaction, all can be bought with the right price and the right money. If you can't buy it with physical money, you buy it with soul. If you can't buy it with reality, you buy it with magic and illusion. 5 sparrows sold for 2 pennies. For I tell you, there is, for each and every thing in this world a price in either money or some other form of currency and the astral is but the same old shit and what you want is something unconditional that tops it all. Oh and even worse, you will be forced given to buy what you don't want and then be told, ha, you got your money's worth... futile, all too futile.

But what you want most of all and build up through your hope, sweat blood, tears and magic, will still elude, elude still.