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A little help
- Thread starter Mahotma
- Start date
Ok.
i am 53 year old aspie. Aspergers.
My first encounter with spirits happened when i was 4-5. Beings came to my dreams and told me my soulmate was dead. They were very happy and joyous but firm in stating “we had nothing to do with it but shes dead”. Looking back i find it odd that they would go out of their way to do that. And since i didnt even know what a soulmate was (and still really dont) or why they were so happy about it.
I grew up in a abusive home (no details as recounting some of it always has traumatized the people i tell) and my single mother i later learned practiced book magic. That is to say casting spells through books she read without the gnosis typically recommened when doing such work.
Me and my siblings were “adopted”. My oldest was traded because one of the family was mistreating him. He hopped a train when he was 16 and never came back. The middle was puchased for 500$ from a yard of kids in tennesse. I was a phone call from my mothers brother to come get a new born by the weekend or i would be “taken care of”. Probably given to the state. My mother had her overies removed a decade earlier in a navel hospital.
I tried magick when i was in 5th grade but that didnt work out well as i was in a very christian community. i forgot it till i was 45 and got a divorce from my third wife.
During this time i have been ostracized by friends and family out of nowhere. Childhood friends of 20 + years suddenly telling me we were never even friends. Family nonexistant. Bosses literally say “your evil” not because of my actions but for reasons i still dont understand to this day.
I became christian when I was 12. I have always been unable to hurt people intentionally. I cant even lie without feeling my heart is going to burst.
But i would fight other kids in the beginning when they were being mean to my older brother. Then one day i was going to fight 3 kids (my age, 5th grade) for being mean to me behind the church when a voice spoke in my head “dont hurt them”. I have been unable to lift my arms to strike another human being or creature since. I literally lose control of them, unable to even defend myself. Now my shoulders are hamburger, both joints deteriorated. 2 operations and i need a third. Cant afford.
Fast forward. Me devout christian. Working in the oilfield. Lot of bad things in that time frame but whatever. My knee is so bad i can barely walk but i can tell this is more of the “fuckery” that life seems to do to me. I am on location and i am praying for some help and i get so mad i explodes at God and the angels “for fucks sake i am just tryng to support my family! What the fuck?!” And the pain instantly goes away and never has been a problem since. Fuck.
Fast forward 2016. I am seeing “angel numbers” everywhere. As an aspie i can see patterns and stuff. This began getting weird. This was not supposed to be possible if spirits and magick dont exist. I get a divorce during this time and start truck driving as it is the only job i can do away from people. Something in my chest…broke. I later learned this may have been my heart chakra break if there is such a thing. Losing her was the worst pain i had every know. So i said fuck it. I was goin to test magick and the occult and see if that shit is real.
I had always talked to Jesus when i had problems and since my religion says not to i explained it to him. The why and stuff. Told him i had lost everything and why not. I have always took dangerous jobs and enjoyed them so even if i lost my soul so what.
I was driving in the new mexico desert (oilfield) explaining it an what the fuck a glowing presence appears in my sleeper. At the time i “knew” it was him. He appeared as a gloing spot when i looked directly at him but if i looked in my peripheral i could see a glowing small budda/jesus figure. I felt so much love coming from him. He said three things. I love you. I forgive you. You are no longer one of my flock.
And i experimented. Because seeing “it” proved to me there is more. That this can be real. I opened my chakras in record time and even had an experience described by some as kundalini. In a month. I cast a spell that worked frightenly well and spoke to small spirits that would kiss my face when they came to visit. Amazing. Till it wasnt.
Got followed through denver by a spirit that cursed my name saying how much every hated my Kind. A lot of things involving spirits talking. Most hostile. Always angry and hateful. I was self medicating with weed and meth (lets me think clearly and sleep) and then one night all the “bad luck” and lies of the world became too much. I had an epiphany….
Its all a lie. Everything.
And omg my head was filled with the chorus of “angels” who sang. They said they were happy and joyous because finally one of the “lambs” made it without killing themselves. I had lost faith in everything. Including a God. And they were happy for it. And then she said we are done and ”who wants him?” A mountain answered “ we will”.
i was like ok well maybe i am to be a shaman (i am no going into the absolutly horrible emotion state i was in, i have had a clive barker life so this is just another grain of sand on the beach) but it seemed like they couldnt understand why i was reacting to them like they expected me to. Till they told me if i would not walk the path then my children would walk the road i did. This caused me to panic because …well..my life is something noone should have to go through on purpose.
I found a three way crossroad and asked help from Hekete. i spoke to her and she was very kind but she spoke through a spirit and did not appear like the other being had.
A few days later when nothing happened no reasuraces given i made a offering of my own blood to any who would help.
The next day at sunset i was pulling over in Van Horn Tx (come to find out there is a place of power there…who knew right) I had just popped my air brakes and she appeared (spirit represenative not her actual self and she brought two friends. They came in person, at least the humanoid one.
40 ft tall. Black skin like flowing black..metal(?) and hell looked like groot with black skin and no mouth. Looking at him directly i could not hear my own thoutghts till i look away at the dash. MAGNIFICENT was all i could hear in my mind when i looked at him. Drowned out my inner voice completely. I also “knew” he was ancient american indian and “i should be worshipped”. This may have been an attempt to force worship or some such but i am aspie and i dont work that way. He ha varying numbers of imps (i call them that because see one of the in person seems to instantly transmit data and when i looked the the energy things around him the word iimp shouted in my mind). He and them then entered my crown chakra, followed the front to my base chakra, the he went up my back and they moved up my center channel to my brain but kinda didnt do anything i could tell. He stopped directly behind my heart chakra and made an “x” over it. Then he said “Lady Hekete why did you call me. You could have done this yourself” and he and the imps disappeared.
The other being was a 5 ft tall blue spider that proceeded over the next two days to pull all the drugs from my system. That is to say small blue spiders birthed from my skin for the next two days.
I have walked away from the Gods or whatever you call them a year ago. I still hear the spirits. They hurt me when i walked away and have worked hard (but honestly i wouldnt know if it was hard or easy for them) to keep me alive but still nothing more. The “feeling“ they will just leave me alone if i just dont go out into the world. If i confine myself and stay quiet.
I am coming back to magick. I am try to learn magick powered by me or my abilities rather then invoking any of their names. But i feel a unreasonable urge to call to them, any of them.
But i am free and i intend to stay that way. They have told me i am a vanpire like that means anything. They tell me i am the worste and i should not have been born.
But i was. I am honest and overly kind. But now i am going to fight for me. Cast spells for my benefit to make me stronger spiritually, mentally and physically. No more giving my best to help other for it to only cost me my job, my family. I still would prefer silence over lying. I still do not wish to harm anyone or anythig for the “sake“ of harming.
i am familier with the various forms of magic from crowly to shamanism. Pls feel fee to suggest books or tell me of magicks that do not call on the spirit world.
I am here to learn. Pls help.
sorry for misspellings and grammer issues. Also for the choppiness of the story. But maybe i am missing something you all might be seeing clearly. Feel free to explain.
i am 53 year old aspie. Aspergers.
My first encounter with spirits happened when i was 4-5. Beings came to my dreams and told me my soulmate was dead. They were very happy and joyous but firm in stating “we had nothing to do with it but shes dead”. Looking back i find it odd that they would go out of their way to do that. And since i didnt even know what a soulmate was (and still really dont) or why they were so happy about it.
I grew up in a abusive home (no details as recounting some of it always has traumatized the people i tell) and my single mother i later learned practiced book magic. That is to say casting spells through books she read without the gnosis typically recommened when doing such work.
Me and my siblings were “adopted”. My oldest was traded because one of the family was mistreating him. He hopped a train when he was 16 and never came back. The middle was puchased for 500$ from a yard of kids in tennesse. I was a phone call from my mothers brother to come get a new born by the weekend or i would be “taken care of”. Probably given to the state. My mother had her overies removed a decade earlier in a navel hospital.
I tried magick when i was in 5th grade but that didnt work out well as i was in a very christian community. i forgot it till i was 45 and got a divorce from my third wife.
During this time i have been ostracized by friends and family out of nowhere. Childhood friends of 20 + years suddenly telling me we were never even friends. Family nonexistant. Bosses literally say “your evil” not because of my actions but for reasons i still dont understand to this day.
I became christian when I was 12. I have always been unable to hurt people intentionally. I cant even lie without feeling my heart is going to burst.
But i would fight other kids in the beginning when they were being mean to my older brother. Then one day i was going to fight 3 kids (my age, 5th grade) for being mean to me behind the church when a voice spoke in my head “dont hurt them”. I have been unable to lift my arms to strike another human being or creature since. I literally lose control of them, unable to even defend myself. Now my shoulders are hamburger, both joints deteriorated. 2 operations and i need a third. Cant afford.
Fast forward. Me devout christian. Working in the oilfield. Lot of bad things in that time frame but whatever. My knee is so bad i can barely walk but i can tell this is more of the “fuckery” that life seems to do to me. I am on location and i am praying for some help and i get so mad i explodes at God and the angels “for fucks sake i am just tryng to support my family! What the fuck?!” And the pain instantly goes away and never has been a problem since. Fuck.
Fast forward 2016. I am seeing “angel numbers” everywhere. As an aspie i can see patterns and stuff. This began getting weird. This was not supposed to be possible if spirits and magick dont exist. I get a divorce during this time and start truck driving as it is the only job i can do away from people. Something in my chest…broke. I later learned this may have been my heart chakra break if there is such a thing. Losing her was the worst pain i had every know. So i said fuck it. I was goin to test magick and the occult and see if that shit is real.
I had always talked to Jesus when i had problems and since my religion says not to i explained it to him. The why and stuff. Told him i had lost everything and why not. I have always took dangerous jobs and enjoyed them so even if i lost my soul so what.
I was driving in the new mexico desert (oilfield) explaining it an what the fuck a glowing presence appears in my sleeper. At the time i “knew” it was him. He appeared as a gloing spot when i looked directly at him but if i looked in my peripheral i could see a glowing small budda/jesus figure. I felt so much love coming from him. He said three things. I love you. I forgive you. You are no longer one of my flock.
And i experimented. Because seeing “it” proved to me there is more. That this can be real. I opened my chakras in record time and even had an experience described by some as kundalini. In a month. I cast a spell that worked frightenly well and spoke to small spirits that would kiss my face when they came to visit. Amazing. Till it wasnt.
Got followed through denver by a spirit that cursed my name saying how much every hated my Kind. A lot of things involving spirits talking. Most hostile. Always angry and hateful. I was self medicating with weed and meth (lets me think clearly and sleep) and then one night all the “bad luck” and lies of the world became too much. I had an epiphany….
Its all a lie. Everything.
And omg my head was filled with the chorus of “angels” who sang. They said they were happy and joyous because finally one of the “lambs” made it without killing themselves. I had lost faith in everything. Including a God. And they were happy for it. And then she said we are done and ”who wants him?” A mountain answered “ we will”.
i was like ok well maybe i am to be a shaman (i am no going into the absolutly horrible emotion state i was in, i have had a clive barker life so this is just another grain of sand on the beach) but it seemed like they couldnt understand why i was reacting to them like they expected me to. Till they told me if i would not walk the path then my children would walk the road i did. This caused me to panic because …well..my life is something noone should have to go through on purpose.
I found a three way crossroad and asked help from Hekete. i spoke to her and she was very kind but she spoke through a spirit and did not appear like the other being had.
A few days later when nothing happened no reasuraces given i made a offering of my own blood to any who would help.
The next day at sunset i was pulling over in Van Horn Tx (come to find out there is a place of power there…who knew right) I had just popped my air brakes and she appeared (spirit represenative not her actual self and she brought two friends. They came in person, at least the humanoid one.
40 ft tall. Black skin like flowing black..metal(?) and hell looked like groot with black skin and no mouth. Looking at him directly i could not hear my own thoutghts till i look away at the dash. MAGNIFICENT was all i could hear in my mind when i looked at him. Drowned out my inner voice completely. I also “knew” he was ancient american indian and “i should be worshipped”. This may have been an attempt to force worship or some such but i am aspie and i dont work that way. He ha varying numbers of imps (i call them that because see one of the in person seems to instantly transmit data and when i looked the the energy things around him the word iimp shouted in my mind). He and them then entered my crown chakra, followed the front to my base chakra, the he went up my back and they moved up my center channel to my brain but kinda didnt do anything i could tell. He stopped directly behind my heart chakra and made an “x” over it. Then he said “Lady Hekete why did you call me. You could have done this yourself” and he and the imps disappeared.
The other being was a 5 ft tall blue spider that proceeded over the next two days to pull all the drugs from my system. That is to say small blue spiders birthed from my skin for the next two days.
I have walked away from the Gods or whatever you call them a year ago. I still hear the spirits. They hurt me when i walked away and have worked hard (but honestly i wouldnt know if it was hard or easy for them) to keep me alive but still nothing more. The “feeling“ they will just leave me alone if i just dont go out into the world. If i confine myself and stay quiet.
I am coming back to magick. I am try to learn magick powered by me or my abilities rather then invoking any of their names. But i feel a unreasonable urge to call to them, any of them.
But i am free and i intend to stay that way. They have told me i am a vanpire like that means anything. They tell me i am the worste and i should not have been born.
But i was. I am honest and overly kind. But now i am going to fight for me. Cast spells for my benefit to make me stronger spiritually, mentally and physically. No more giving my best to help other for it to only cost me my job, my family. I still would prefer silence over lying. I still do not wish to harm anyone or anythig for the “sake“ of harming.
i am familier with the various forms of magic from crowly to shamanism. Pls feel fee to suggest books or tell me of magicks that do not call on the spirit world.
I am here to learn. Pls help.
sorry for misspellings and grammer issues. Also for the choppiness of the story. But maybe i am missing something you all might be seeing clearly. Feel free to explain.
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Could you summarize exactly what you need help with?
Magick practice that does not rely on third party involvement. For example calling on spirits, dieties or other beings. Methods for gathering energy and directing it to achieve a goal without the involment and intent of said third party.
i am only aware of chaos magick being used in this fashion.
i am only aware of chaos magick being used in this fashion.
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Qi Gong can be useful for energy work, as can Reiki. Start first with vibrating (tightening abdominals/diaphragm while speaking) divine names or incantations, focus on combination of abs, shoulders, and air between fingers while doing movements.
Then a meditation - chakra fruits
Base of spine/root - red apple
Gonads - orange
diaphragm - banana
heart - lime
throat - plum
third eye, crown, raw coconut
Visualizing them this way has been helpful for me.
Then a meditation - chakra fruits
Base of spine/root - red apple
Gonads - orange
diaphragm - banana
heart - lime
throat - plum
third eye, crown, raw coconut
Visualizing them this way has been helpful for me.
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That would be correct. If chocolate cake appeals to you, then vibrate "CHAW-COH-LATE CAYK" for example.
Nope christian.
I have never WANTED any of it. But logic dictates if you are in the middle of the ocean you must learn to swim or drown regardless of wether you like to get wet.
obviously my experiences are not typical but honestly i would have not thought “see a psycologist” would have been one of the first replies from a wizard forum.
How does chocolate cake qualify as “divine” or an incantation? And can you define incantation from your point of view?
And then i assume there are no other magic traditions that do not call on other beings? So since magic is shaped and/or directed by intent, arent you polluting your spell with the intent of another? And arent you then defining them as better/divine simply because you cant understand them or because they have power?
So then by definition arent (your) spells simply another form of worship? Another being or group of beings who seek your worship? Rather then a cause and effect process based on universal rules we, in the modern world, have lost or forgotten?
Has anyone noticed that dieties/spirits seem geograpgicly bound?
i hope my questions dont offend.
i apologize if it seems so. That is not my intent.
I have never WANTED any of it. But logic dictates if you are in the middle of the ocean you must learn to swim or drown regardless of wether you like to get wet.
obviously my experiences are not typical but honestly i would have not thought “see a psycologist” would have been one of the first replies from a wizard forum.
How does chocolate cake qualify as “divine” or an incantation? And can you define incantation from your point of view?
And then i assume there are no other magic traditions that do not call on other beings? So since magic is shaped and/or directed by intent, arent you polluting your spell with the intent of another? And arent you then defining them as better/divine simply because you cant understand them or because they have power?
So then by definition arent (your) spells simply another form of worship? Another being or group of beings who seek your worship? Rather then a cause and effect process based on universal rules we, in the modern world, have lost or forgotten?
Has anyone noticed that dieties/spirits seem geograpgicly bound?
i hope my questions dont offend.
i apologize if it seems so. That is not my intent.
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Hm, Christians and Mormons do not necessarily exclude each other.
I know of very few if any Christians using magical spells out of a book. Do you know which book(s) were used?
In Poland every mother does this. They define as Catholic Christians. It would be helpful to get an idea about the background.
Of course spirits bind locally. There are places I would not go to on this earth. Too dangerous.
I know of very few if any Christians using magical spells out of a book. Do you know which book(s) were used?
In Poland every mother does this. They define as Catholic Christians. It would be helpful to get an idea about the background.
Of course spirits bind locally. There are places I would not go to on this earth. Too dangerous.
1-addressed though explaining that would seem pointless given since my experiences are so different from your own i get the feeling you view them as a mental health issue rather then actual experience. Understandable but not since the very topic of this entire forum would have many successful, socially sane people would suggest that for all of you also since, like me, your experiences on this topic are outside their world view.
2-since this has happened and still happens without my purposeful “opening“ of myself, that is a nonstarter. Also can you claim to actually know any spirit you work with outside what they show you or allow you to see? I have yet to have any of them actually present id.
3- most places in the world frown upon any spell work or religous practice that does not fit the local religous preferance. And they ”frown” with violence, either social or physical. So finding a teacher becomes difficult except maybe the internet. And given this very conversation, it seems unlikely?
Grew up in ks. One church i went to, very popular church in a city with 100k+ population, would hold a ceremony for us kids if we came to sunday school regularly for a month. They would bring out a dummy and claim he needed an infusion of “holy blood”. They would stick the childs arm with a fake syringe and pretend to take blood and give it to the dummy. I never made a month.
The only churches i have been to (that i know of) have been defined as christian though i understand now that its really doesnt narrow down religious practces.
ok so then since they are bound locally how can they be dieties since they, like humans, are bound by borders?
can i ask what you define as a “God”?
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Chocolate cake was simply a pacifier to use of spoken word and energetic act to produce effect, since you were opposed to divine names.
Psychiatric review is first stage or step on exorcism.
Psychiatric review is first stage or step on exorcism.
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In the stone age all spirits were bound to a river or a mountain. The old Hebrew gods were nothing else. You can still look their names up and find the location. Names did not change.
A god needs religion and worship. These here are more ancestors. But nonetheless strong and involved in taboos and totems.
A god needs religion and worship. These here are more ancestors. But nonetheless strong and involved in taboos and totems.
Intoning is understood. The process of pushing intention through the 5th chakra to produce effect. Thank you.
i am simply opposed to allowing others intent to subvert ot change the intent of a working.
Psychiatric review or exorcism-i am unsure of either for reasons i am unsure as to whether i can make it understandable to anyone who is not autistic. I apologize for this.