Journal A strange predicament...

[Accipeveldare]

I have been into the occult for a few years now. It is just now becoming a real path for me. I am actually achieving results, gaining wisdom. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.

For context, I grew up in a protestant christian household. (Baptist, specifically) It was just the ordinary, southern baptist family upbringing. Until when I was about 15 and rejected the faith and went into the occult. I am 18 now, an Eclectic Hermeticist, and it is working. It is working just fine. Now, out of any christian faith I have come across, I have the most respect for Orthodoxy. Specifically, Eastern Orthodoxy. I always used to joke that if I went back to christianity, I would become Orthodox.

Problem is now, I am disturbed. I keep having this nagging. I love being a Hermeticist, and it has done a lot for me. But there is this very strange itch that is telling me "convert, convert". It was not triggered by anybody and I am not sure what could have triggered these thoughts. But they disturb me, and I am not sure why. I dont want to drop hermeticism and become Christian. But for some reason my mind is telling me to. But I really dont want to.

I cannot tell if it is because it is more fleshed out, or if it is for the aesthetic, or if I want a "who" on top of the "what' I already attribute to God. It is a very disturbing ordeal.

Post automatically merged: Yesterday at 4:55 AM

To clarify, I am absolutely not going to convert. I am simply trying to figure out the inner issue or motivation behind these thoughts.

 

[Nembra]

There are ways of conversing with such voices. It will probably be even more disturbing though.

Your psyche is a court or a country with some political system. There are stable periods of which you think as your "self" and there are moments of crisis or turmoil sometimes caused by dramatic change, but often by accumulation of growth that pushes against your exoskeleton. Then you partly dissolve and whatever is left shapes your next form. There is much nuance in the process, but what's interesting is that there are sometimes seeds of metamporphosis lying dormant in one's psyche, like imaginal rings embedded in caterpillar's body or fringe philosophies simmering on the outskirts of society waiting for their revolutionary potential to be realised. Whether it's better to let them grow freely or put them back to sleep is not something easily judged. It is, however, a sign that might already be enough biomass for the next molt, or that the court is already preparing for a shift in power structure.

This particular destiny is famous for being incredibly vital, perservering across many forms even forced into dormancy.

Whatever you choose, "who you always wanted to be" is ultimately a desire of someone you have not wanted to be. You have futures that whatever you could want for yourself can't even compare to.

 

[Accipeveldare]

There are ways of conversing with such voices. It will probably be even more disturbing though.

Your psyche is a court or a country with some political system. There are stable periods of which you think as your "self" and there are moments of crisis or turmoil sometimes caused by dramatic change, but often by accumulation of growth that pushes against your exoskeleton. Then you partly dissolve and whatever is left shapes your next form. There is much nuance in the process, but what's interesting is that there are sometimes seeds of metamporphosis lying dormant in one's psyche, like imaginal rings embedded in caterpillar's body or fringe philosophies simmering on the outskirts of society waiting for their revolutionary potential to be realised. Whether it's better to let them grow freely or put them back to sleep is not something easily judged. It is, however, a sign that might already be enough biomass for the next molt, or that the court is already preparing for a shift in power structure.

This particular destiny is famous for being incredibly vital, perservering across many forms even forced into dormancy.

Whatever you choose, "who you always wanted to be" is ultimately a desire of someone you have not wanted to be. You have futures that whatever you could want for yourself can't even compare to.

Thank you. Then I will stay my current course, and I will let whatever happens happen along the way. Home is a place long forgotten. I believe Hermeticism will bring me there.

Perhaps, this is a confrontation with something that needs dissolving. You have given me a lot to dwell on. Thank you for the advice!

 

[Nembra]

Thank you. Then I will stay my current course, and I will let whatever happens happen along the way. Home is a place long forgotten. I believe Hermeticism will bring me there.

Perhaps, this is a confrontation with something that needs dissolving. You have given me a lot to dwell on. Thank you for the advice!

You're most welcome. Interesting things seem to be coming your way. Beware that your goals are to serve you, not the other way around. You might never need to outgrow Hermeticism, but I think it's only natural that you'll outgrow your current perspective on it.

 

[MageJohn183]

Sounds to me like you simply have someone praying for you. Most likely a family member but I don't know. Prayers are, or can be, powerful magic, especially if it is coming from a parent or loved one.

 

[Ohana]

I have been into the occult for a few years now. It is just now becoming a real path for me. I am actually achieving results, gaining wisdom. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.

For context, I grew up in a protestant christian household. (Baptist, specifically) It was just the ordinary, southern baptist family upbringing. Until when I was about 15 and rejected the faith and went into the occult. I am 18 now, an Eclectic Hermeticist, and it is working. It is working just fine. Now, out of any christian faith I have come across, I have the most respect for Orthodoxy. Specifically, Eastern Orthodoxy. I always used to joke that if I went back to christianity, I would become Orthodox.

Problem is now, I am disturbed. I keep having this nagging. I love being a Hermeticist, and it has done a lot for me. But there is this very strange itch that is telling me "convert, convert". It was not triggered by anybody and I am not sure what could have triggered these thoughts. But they disturb me, and I am not sure why. I dont want to drop hermeticism and become Christian. But for some reason my mind is telling me to. But I really dont want to.

I cannot tell if it is because it is more fleshed out, or if it is for the aesthetic, or if I want a "who" on top of the "what' I already attribute to God. It is a very disturbing ordeal.

Post automatically merged: Yesterday at 4:55 AM

To clarify, I am absolutely not going to convert. I am simply trying to figure out the inner issue or motivation behind these thoughts.

Given this post it might be that its not calling you to convert but there are underlying pyschologicaI themes or memories when you were still Christian that have to be worked out. It might also be internal peer pressure from your family or the memories of family itself have to processed.

Disclaimer not a professional pyschologist so take what I say with a grain of salt but it sounds like intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts usually have to deal with an unprocessed memory or emotion that someone's brain wants to work through so it gives someone a scary thought so it pays more attention to it. Atleast thats what they were for me.

I had intrusive thoughts (and still do sometimes) and usually I just needed to investigate what they were about and then process them.

It could also be the themes of Christianity and the story about it are calling. For my own particular trauma processing the NT stories and connecting emotionally with it was kind of healing but that did not mean I had to convert. A lot of art in western media invokes Christian imagery but the artist themselves isn't Christian or the story isn't meant to be taken to actuaIIy preaching that in a reIigous context. Instead its usually just interacting with the themes of sacrifice, redemption, and other themes from that reIigion in a completely artistic and emotional context. The story itself doesn't have to preach Christianity though and can instead be its own thing.

So back to those thoughts. Technically don't have to convert to engage with those emotions or engage with the other emotions you might personally have toward Christianity as a whole since its a big part of the west's collective unconsciousness if that makes sense.

Post automatically merged: Today at 5:36 AM

(Also one last thing but not major can be Christian and stiII a Hermeticist I think some sect of Christianity aIIow for certain IeveIs of magick practicing Christians which already been discussed at length here.


That is entirely up to you though and I put no pressure for you to convert or not convert. I myself am pretty agnostic so again no pressure in either direction since its up to you what faith you want to follow)