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Cold Brew Covefe: DIY


Meme-y Tree Nymph
Apr 17, 2021
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There may be times in life where you know you want that sweet, sweet caffeine fix to be savored for all it's worth. You make it fresh and hot, perhaps dolling it up with some nice bells and whistles, such as extra fatty cow tiddy juice and that glorious white stuff. If you're that kinda kinky, then perhaps even sprinkle in some good ol' carcinogens for flavor. Ah yes, a nice hot cup on a cold morning, as your exhausted zombie brain slowly comes to life.

This is not that coffee. This is the coffee for when you're in a hurry and need that shit NOW. You're possibly too warm for anything hot, from having to haul so much ass in a given day. Are you drinking Diet Speed? No, you filthy peasant. You are drinking the nectar of the budget all-nighter gods, known as cold brew coffee.

Unlike its pussy of a cousin hot coffee, cold brew coffee's got anywhere from 2-5 times more caffeine in the standard cup. They say because it's more concentrated, you need to dilute it accordingly before drinking. I say that's quitter talk. Unless you're really wanting to stretch your bean money, and/or are running out before you're able to make more, I fully endorse taking it raw. Down that bottle with a face straighter than a Midwestern granny's thin and disapproving lips, for you are truly getting your effort's worth of caffeine with every gulp. Chronic diarrhea is a price well worth paying, for a couple hours of inhuman productivity before immediately crashing. Fuck yeah, seize the SHIT outta this work or study day for everything it's worth.


Because pre-made cold brew from the store is a scam, here's how you make it at home in literally five minutes. And for just about 1/10th of the cost:


-Coarse grind coffee grounds
-A glass jar or bottle of some sort.

Step 1: Get that glass container. For this I like to reuse those basic bitch Starbucks bottles till they disintegrate, because I am an unapologetic cheapskate. But you do you.

Step 2: Put a nice heap of those grounds in. How much? I don't fucking know, just kinda put enough in to cover the bottom of the container.

Step 3: Fill with water.

Step 4: Close and put in fridge, then go fuck off for at least 24 hours.

And that's literally it, y'all. This shit is absolutely not rocket science. Feel free to add the sweeteners and everything if you want, but it's also MUCH more palatable black than hot coffee is. This is truly a Chad vs. Virgin scenario. But anyway, straight cold brew should keep in the fridge3 for about a couple weeks. They say you should filter the grounds out after a day or two, but I never do that, because fuck it. This is also a great thing to set up for yourself in advance of a bullshit week ahead, and will keep you sustained for practically pennies a week. Good luck and godspeed, fellow drones.


Jun 30, 2021
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Warned: Off-topic.
Hihihi wf, were covefe meets qoffee. Instead of bumping my head with other dark poison brewers, i decided to also poor tea.

Cause as you might have noticed, there arent many baristas who share in their great skill.

So as one barista to an other:
Sep 9, 2021
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Baristas are a niche field, so there is from my past as one attempt to be one in Chicago of all places (home of coffee snobs Intelligencia). Plenty of skullduggery involved when Baristas square off. Yet ... they have skills that others crave, such as this post. Thank you :)