Journal Disability, interdependence, and the occult.

[voidcat]

First let me start this off by saying my thoughts are all over the place. I am in a thinking mood today and I have yet to reach conclusions about this topic. It could be that this ends up being more focused on disability and not only just the occult despite my efforts to try to tie all these thoughts I'm having about interdependence and occultism. I am writing this out in an attempt to sort all these thoughts and hopefully connect all of it more and more to the occult as things process more and I think on it. This is likely to get long and you may need to take your time reading this and I may end up posting this in parts.

So now onto what I am thinking about. A common theme I've noticed in some occult practices, particularly right handed paths, is the idea of interdependence. Of everyone and everything being connected. Heck once a friend told me in relation to judaism that peace cannot be attained without including everyone. Whether that is a thing all branches of judaism includes or it's a mysticism thing I don't know. I'm not Jewish. I don't know a lot about judaism just a bit of info here and there However I agree with those sentiments and have noticed a lot of inclusion in various traditions I've been reading about.

In paganism, my religion, there's a lot of focus in many paths regarding interdependence with the environment and how there's sacredness in the mundane. There's spirituality in the everyday. A walk can be the most spiritual thing ever. Listening to the birds outside, relaxing and grounding, walking barefoot in the grass, you can feel a deep connection to the Divine. Listening and holding a baby, watching them laugh and smile at you, can cause you to feel like you seen a touch of heaven. Embracing a lover, watching TV snuggling on the couch together connecting emotionally, can be felt deeply in the soul. I'm sure a lot of you can think of things like this. How you can feel spiritual and connected in the everyday.

All this it got me thinking. How am i interdependent with the world around me? And it lead me to thinking a lot about disability. Imma start on the next line of thought. It'll automerge once completed today and you can wait to read past the automerge line if needing time to process that. Then I may post more tomorrow on the topic if I think of more to write.

Post automatically merged: Friday at 5:36 PM

So disability and interdependence. I want to first when connecting this point out that there's a battle that most disabled people including myself face everyday. It is between being independent and being interdependent. Everyone faces this but disabled folk moreso. Especially me. Let me give an example in my own life.

I want to drive. I want to live on my own. I want to graduate college and hold down a job as a teacher. I want to see the world. Get out the country. I have so much I want to do all the time. Yet I am disabled. I am heavily affected by my disabilities. The biggest thing that is affected by my disabilities is adaptive functioning.

Adaptive functioning is basically being able to live and do day to day skills like manage money, work a job, get dressed, shower, do chores everyday, be able to adjust to large and little life changes, emotional regulation, social skills and communication, eating etc. More info here in case anyone is curious and wants to go on an internet rabbit hole:

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A lot of people are confused by this. Everyone thinks I can live on my own. I believe that too. But they underestimate how much of my autism effects these things because I'm highly intelligent and capable in many areas of my life. Autism is strange. A lot of autistics can do impressive stuff like research a topic for hours and learn a new skill in a day. Teach a classroom, code computer programs, work a high intense job at a hospital. But those same autistics? May not be able to drive or do their own laundry consistently. May not be able to shower everyday. Struggle with knowing when to eat and planning meals. I myself struggle with tying my own shoes as an adult and despite having always been smart was not potty trained fully till I was 10 years old. At the same time around the age of 8/9 could read over 1000 words per minute with a 80% reading comprehension excelling in the majority of my classes and considered gifted.

As an adult I get questions, a lot of questions and confused comments. Why were you in a group home? You can learn to drive I'm sure it makes no sense you haven't learned. Why do you worry so much about if you can live on your own I'm sure you can. But these same people don't really see my day to day struggles at home. I needed to be in a group home because I needed that time to learn to be independent. I haven't learned to drive and there's a huge possibility that I'll need to be tested first to see if it's safe for me to as my reaction times may be too slow due to disability not because of a lack of being able to learn. I'm afraid of living on my own though I'll try it soon because of daily issues I'm still figuring out.

I have to rely on other people constantly. I have to trust people when my disability fails me and I can't do something. In this way I'm interdependent on others. For example, I will always struggle with meltdowns and shutdowns. With sensory overload. If I have one I may need assistance afterwards. Or during. If I have a meltdown or on the verge of one in public... I have to rely on someone to guide me to somewhere quieter as I cannot process what's around me. I been known to grab a person's arm next to me if my senses are too overloaded.

What's this got to do with the occult? Well...I notice interdependence with other people a lot. And it causes it struggle with my need for independence. But I have no choice. If I don't rely on other people for assistance to help me when I need it I cannot function in my day to day life.

The thing is everyone relies on others everyday. You rely on farmers for example for that food you buy at the store. You rely on coworkers to do their part of the job so the company you work at runs smoothly. You contribute to helping others, they depend on you to pay your taxes to the government, do your job so the company runs smoothly, pay money at the store so the shop owner can feed his family, your family and friends may come to you for advice and help. If you have a child you must clothe and feed them. Married? Well I'm certain your spouse requires you to do your part in the house. No one is an island. We live and breathe interdependence daily. It's just disabled people notice it more as they may need to rely on others and the independence they do have and help they give others is that much more important.

Just like people are connected spiritually people are connected in their day to day. A community does not thrive with one person. If there is sacredness in the mundane there is sacredness in the connections you make related to interdependence and independence. With the occult and feeling the sacredness in the connections you have with the Divine, or with fellow occult members, there still lies that connection with others and the community that you need in order to live.

This makes me feel humble and small. Im a drop in the connections I face everyday. Both as a disabled person and as a person in general. Connections you make and assistance you give and take are life-giving. Sacred. The compassion and community humanity engages in is Divine. It is beautiful. Without helping each other we all fail. Without being interdependent on others we all fall. Tomorrow I'm going to write more on this topic. This time on interdependence on the environment and disability. I think I wrote enough today.

 

[voidcat]

Alright now I can go on about the occult, enviroment and interdependence, and disability.

With disability you are often told to ignore your bodily sensations. If you have chronic pain for example, and your normal is most people's 9 on the pain scale, nobody cares. They will call you lazy. If you are exhausted constantly from it, they will imply that you are just making excuses. I do not have chronic pain but I am autistic. I'm constantly told that things that bring me pain are "not that serious." I often have to ignore pain rather than manage it as an example. Often I am told to ignore my own needs because to others it inconviences them that I have a disability. Meanwhile they don't acknowledge its more of an inconvience to me, the one experiencing things that need accomadation, and a hassle to ask for accomadations I don't ask for assistance unless I need it as I dont want to be a burden.

I've learned to disassociate a lot. To be here but not really. I actually can do it intentionally if I try hard enough. And I do this thing where I purposely space out and disappear if there's too much going on and I can't process it. Give myself a mental break. Its such a habit i do it effortlessly sometimes not even knowing im doing it. Another thing is autism causes you to not always be aware of what your body is telling you. That's one reason it took me so long to be potty trained I simply didn't know I had to go. I also struggle with moving my body in a variety of ways. I have a physical therapy referral to enhance my fine motor skills and help me learn to exercise properly. I didn't have physical therapy as a kid and now as an adult I am about to start having it in January. This should help me to walk properly, and learn to hold myself in ways that won't lead to worse issues down the road. And help me to move faster when it comes to fine motor skills, particularly with my fingers.

I find being present in the enviroment helps to bring me back to my body and be more aware of what it is telling me. I did a dancing ritual and talked about it in another thread(here if anyone is curious Journal - Dancing ritual). It was really helpful using movement to bring myself to the present and be more aware of how my body feels. I've started to look for rituals that involve movement for this reason. It releases my emotional stress helping me to regulate, helps me get in touch with my body, and helps my body avoid blood clots as right now my meds related to gender dysphoria are being adjusted. If I don't move and donate blood regularly until the doctors sort things out to decrease my hemoglobins I am at greater risk for those. Exercise is very important to health.

Another thing rituals involving movement and losing yourself in the environment is learning acceptance. In such rituals you are observing and accepting what you are feeling and experiencing. You are accepting the environment you are in and how you react. This is an excellent tool for disabled folk. It's often hard to accept your reactions to things when you are often shamed for those reactions and how you do things.

It's also very accessible doing rituals like this. Anyone can go outside and experience the movement of the outdoors and senses. Even if you are paralyzed you still can focus on your body and how the environment around you moves. Play some music and feel it inside moving. Lose yourself in it.

The environment is very important here with getting in touch with yourself.

Now I've finish this thought on rituals and the environment and disability for us to process imma post it then post a new thought later that'll automerge

Post automatically merged: Saturday at 7:24 PM

Next thought...

We are all dependent on the environment around us. And each of us interacts differently with it. In turn, how you interact with the environment changes how others interact with you.

My grandma has a kid that she is guardian of. A 5 year old with leg issues most particularly lower limb discrepancy. She falls all the time. Lot of people stare. What does this kid do? Laugh. She thinks falling is funny. I walk with her and I have to walk slowly else she falls. And when she does she laughs. You help her up. She keeps laughing and because she's laughing and can't focus on walking when laughing she falls again. Laughs harder. It takes a while for her to calm down. She doesn't care what other folk think it's amusing to her. But because she struggles walking on rough ground others have to help her. She's dependent on others helping her. Yet she loves the outdoors. It helps her walking outside to gain strength in her legs and help her balance so she can walk even more. Shes dependent on the ground to help her with her walking. It's beautiful. There's a sense of sacredness in that connection.

I believe without being outside people end up more depressed. And even if you don't go outside much and reap the emotional physical benefits of it, you still have food that comes from outside. In addition to this, it's up to us humans to care for the earth. We could cause so much destruction to it otherwise.

The world is very beautiful. Very spiritual and life given(altho not without its dangers).Going outside helps a lot with health. To me it's a very spiritual experience. It calms my soul. I feel at home there. My disabilities can sometimes make going outside difficult like if I am going through a bout where my cptsd is acting up I may get depressed and not feel like leaving my bed. Those days I try to force myself outside anyway because I need it the most then.

I can't put to words a lot of the connection I feel with outside. How it touches my soul and how close i feel to the earth especially observing the movements outside and moving myself. There aren't any.

I can't think of anything else to write. I think i got most my current thoughts out that I been thinking these last few days. I may think of more stuff regarding indeterdependence the occult and disability. I think the biggest take away is everyone disabled or not is connected to their community, and their personal enviroments. And that there's a sacredness to this. In the mudane