[Help] Feeling Overwhelmed by High Magic

[AH.KHM]

Hi WF, I've been an armchair occultist for a few years but in the past two months have seriously started working with the Golden Dawn system; drawing from Christopher's KMGWST, Greer's Learning Ritual Magic, and Regardie's Middle Pillar. I never really understood what the Great Work entails, and the past two months have felt like an almost traumatic upheaval in my perspective on life - and knowing that this is just the beginning, I'm starting to experience doubts about whether or not I'm prepared to undertake this task at this point in my life. I'd appreciate some perspective from veteran practitioners, as I feel in over my head at the moment and unsure of what the best course of action is.

To give some background: I am 20 years old, have struggled with mental health problems for a long time (namely ADHD and Aspergers), and have been taking a break from University this year to try to improve my mental health so that I do better in the future coping with life's challenges.

My experience with Ceremonial Magic so far has been very transformative, but also overwhelming. I feel as though I have entered a deeper state of awareness and appreciation for life; but equally, it feels as though the deeper I delve into this path the more uncertain I feel about where it will lead me. I feel aspects of my ego dissolving and my priorities are changing, it feels as though I carry a much greater responsibility with my behaviours, words, and thoughts - everything that used to feel simple has now taken on much greater complexity and I fear that if this is just the beginning, what comes after could be too much to handle without abandoning normal life. I hear a lot of stories of unemployed Magician's living in their parent's basements unable to cope with the outside world and it feels as though that could be a real possibility.

If the Neophyte grade is a test of whether one is prepared, I'm starting to wonder if I should look into an alternative path at this point in my life. I've found great benefits from practising the LBRP + MP, as well as practising Presence but I am unsure if I should delve deeper at this point in life. I don't feel ready to let go of my ego and move further away from the people around me - perhaps once I've built a comfortable life and have the freedom to dedicate my life completely to spiritual development but at this point, I'm wondering if I should place my focus back on improving my immediate circumstances. Being aware of the subtle forces in my life (astrological, elemental), is there a path where I can work with these forces for better manifestation without "losing my mind", something akin to Low Magick? I would really appreciate some advice as I feel myself at somewhat of a crossroads with what to do.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

I've felt upheavals many times. My advice is slug it through. Neophyte is about testing you, and each elemental grade shakes up houses of your natal chart. Aaron Leitch, Eric V Sisco and Nick Farrell are all knowledgeable.

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[AH.KHM]

I've felt upheavals many times. My advice is slug it through. Neophyte is about testing you, and each elemental grade shakes up houses of your natal chart. Aaron Leitch, Eric V Sisco and Nick Farrell are all knowledgeable.

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Thank you, Diluculo. I've meditated on it and I think I'm getting overly worried about what's to come rather than focusing on the fact that there's no need to rush, having only started Neophyte two months ago I think I'm getting ahead of myself. I guess I'm just uncomfortable with the thought that the path inspires a lot of instability in life - I've always been an unstable person (difficulty holding down jobs, failing classes) and I worry that dedicating myself to the path will make my inner life more difficult than it already has been; although on the other hand, perhaps going through this work will enable me to conquer those unstable aspects of myself long-term.

 

[Lemongrass00]

If you are not familiar already, check out Damien Echols, but his explanation of the great work is paraphrased as essentially crystallizing the layers of the aura in order for your consciousness to survive the death of your physical body.

how does one accomplish this? The way he advocates for is through ceremonial Magick. If you have ever looked up a cosmology map this is one “blue print” of the order to complete this.

first the magician masters the fundamentals (the elements) before moving on to the various classical planets (sun and moon included), and this is the rough equivalent of moving up the tree of life and beyond.

there are certain “land marks” that are commonly reported, for instance around the “sun” or the “tipareth” center one comes into contact with their HGA, as both these areas represent consciousness and the HGA is seen as the higher self, the more conscious self.

another notable landmark is after the final planet, “Saturn” which correlates with the sphere “Binah” on the tree of life. This is where “crossing the abyss” is experienced which is essentially the dissolution of the ego and unity with the source.

After the planets come the fixed stars but most magicians never advance past the planetary stage.

I quite like this model and I have recently started it and I am on the very beginning working with the element of earth, although I am moving to water soon in just a few weeks.

Maybe this helped some.