Journal Ghosts and Encounters I've had

[Ohana]

Hi,

I was thinking of posting a Journal about the encounters I've had with ghosts. So I think in my family house I saw one. I woke up from dreaming and I think I could see them in my state of being half asleep and awake. They were blue in form and when I moved seemed to be startled then left.

Next one is the presence I feel during my day to day. Usually now I can ignore it if I just don't think about the presence being there then its basically like its not and can be vaguely normal about life. The presence I think was probably my late grandfather who had a not great reputation. I won't get into the details here since thats private but just wasn't the best.

When I first felt the presence I was so mad at it. I wondered why couldn't I just replace this with another imaginary friend since that was my working theory at the time of what it was. I tried different characters and thought if I need an imaginary friend any other person/character would be better. Any other one. Literally anything else. I tried my favorite civil rights activists nothing. It did not stick.

I reacted I was mad. I didn't want to be around someone that I did not like for pretty personal reasons. After a while though I learned to engage with my feelings about all this and work to forgive. Since I was kind of forced to forgive someone that even though was nice to me as a kid based off previous actions I did not want to acknowledge.

But I had to to get through the day so I eventually learned to work through my feelings and maybe work with the presence too. After a while it actually started improving my own mental health and view on the world as a whole. Its like the grandparent that wanted to be there for me but couldn't. Its pretty familial but feel protected in a way. And it even helped me when someone posed as what I most wanted a mentor figure came along and helped me say no.

To say no to the demanding figure that easily tricked me and posed as a figure I desperately wanted. But I had them. The mentor figure I didn't want but apparently needed.

They were nice to me in the way that one of gifts they gave me was a marker. But a marker where you could choose the color of it. This gift to me sent a message about agency and that I should have agency. I should get to write and not just write choose the color I wrote in. So yeah thats my story and took a lot of trial and error. Many arguments. A lot of conflict between me and the presence.

A lot of conflict and there are good days and bad but having a presences that I know actually care it means a lot. And it helped heal my inner kid a concept in therapy practices that is the best way to describe it. It helped me and I see the presence as nice.

I don't think its familiar because it doesn't talk. Its just there. Its energy is just I can sense it. I mainly talked with it through energy? Kind of? Hard to explain if you the reader haven't expierenced it. Like when a spirit guide sends you a thought image of joke kind of. And theres a weight to it. A heavy weight of loss. A weight that is death like. And just a knowing on my end of who it is.

Yep. Thats most of my story. I'll journal more if I start to remembering the early days to now. Or about the ghosts I've met in my dreams might be interesting.

 

[Ohana]

Okay uhh I guess to add on to this. My own expierence a lot of day is not great to put it mildly. Especially over this past year. It was a very fast paced and filled me with a lot of existential dread but I somehow survived that Gauntlet. I feel like I was aided by some ancestor spirits maybe. I understand a little better why my life was pretty hard and it might have been to prepare me for even tougher challenges.

When your a kid I guess sometimes what your parents to do seem random. Usually if their good parents atleast there's a reason for that. Most of my past expierences I was not happy with and some I will admit did not have to happen. But I learned from them as you do from expierences. If I didn't try and put the work in to learn I doubt I would have been able to as easily make it through this Gauntlet this year has been.

I had to face my insecurities and worst fears while still maintaining my own life. I've dancing around the subject of ghosts now since this is a journal about them. The ghost I mentioned before might not have been a ghost haunting me but rather my own fears made manifest. Regardless my own fears made manifest or a ghost I think spoke to what I had to do most of my life.

There was never a me. I had the time to think about me and who I was but I never did. I mostly thought about others and what I had to do for them. My identity was strange in that I never go to think about who I am like there was always someone else I had to think of.

So another facet to this is no wonder I would think of being haunted I'm always thinking about someone or something else. I would be amiss to say if my conundrum is like what came first the chicken or the egg. Do I constantly think of other because I actually got haunted by one spirit so even in my own mind I have to think of another person. Or do I think I was/were (a bit iffy now to say still haunted all I know is I have more control over it now) haunted because I had to constantly help others and table my own needs. So now in my subconscious it creates an entity thats appears to be a ghost of a complicated ancestor. Maybe both? Who knows because I still don't. I've narrowed down the type of ghost it might be based on brief research about ghosts. I don't want to share which types because a bit personal but have narrowed it down now. I still need to do a little bit more research on ghosts to make any lasting conclusions.

Thinking about others and not myself I don't think is primarily born out of selflessness. Its because I don't like thinking about myself and because thats how I had to be in the environment I grew up in. There's a lot of not great self image for me based on just past traumas I had to expierence that I'm working through. The ghostly presence I think still can help with falling asleep and getting back up. Whether that is my own mind helping or really is something else I'll never truly know for sure but it works and I'm glad it does because I really do need to fix my sleep schedule.