Yes, thank you all. My name is more reference to twilight itself. There's also a theme going in my life surrounding the sun. I highly recommend learning all you can of the zodiac and the sun itself. I am still learning but it amazes me how much the planetary spheres in the zodiac influence my life!
I started last year in May. So about one year's worth diving into the occult. Unfortunately, I have progressively lost energy sensitivity and have found my ability to focus is limited to before the Solstice, so I'm running out of time to make progress.
My focus now is to seek everything I can on the basics, which apparently I have made no significant progress on. Meditation, energy manipulation, and ultimately just getting into the trance. Breathing is a challenge for me due to medical reasons, and for 10 years.... goodness, so long, I've suffered from an almost constant state of panic. These negative emotions are meaningless. I accept my inner Divinity, and am removing these bad elements. I confess I'd probably have done this sooner, but I try weightlifting (to little real progress, again due to chronic sickness), and protein does a serious number on my energy sensitivity.
Currently, I'm making progress toward Silence, as espoused by Crowley and Julius Evola and those of his UR Group. I don't know if I agree with their Hermetic current completely, but there is significant power in Silence. When I did it the first time back in late May, this exact week in fact, I went into a deep enough trance to turn off my ears, eyes and tactile senses. Basically gaining control over these ordinarily autonomic functions. The ritual I was performing was the "Awareness of the Waters" found in Julius Evola's Introduction to Magic Rituals and Practice. Excellent read, still the best occult book I've got anywhere. I did not reach the end of the ritual though. Instead, I reached a point where I felt I hadn't gone far enough, and instead chose to try astral projection.
I succeeded on the first try, lifting right out of my body with the vibrations thrumming.
And then struck a... barrier I'll call it, of opalescent light. It HURT and forced me into my body at once. It is coffin shaped and surrounded me. I tried again after about ten minutes, and was forced back into the flesh before getting more than my hand out.
After that... I basically descended into deep desperation, bordering on mania or just quitting. Bizarre and consistent road blocks have stopped me from even beginning to meditate since August onwards. Twitchy hands, twitching feet, severe mucus drainage in the throat or general hystemine imbalance, and now I suffer from a spasming tongue, of all things. If not that, then family come to visit or interfere at the exact moment I reacheive the state of Silence.
Deep Breath
Overwhelmed just reading? Yep, that's only half of it. And "not giving up" so far just means "refusing to admit I'm not making progress and need to reevaluate my methods." Righto. So here I am, seeking new avenues and new ways. So far it is more that I have TOO much research material though. What I may be doing here and on another forum I'm more active on, is sharing my emotional states and making public entries into what I'll tentatively call a journal, to keep myself accountable or at least put out there some of my thoughts. I don't want to call my posts where I detail my traumas a journal. In fact I hope those posts will be one-shots each, and can then just... let them sink into the depths of the dead threads. That way I can "kill" the trauma and dispose of it. My old passion of creative writing is where I'm going here. If I type it out, I can let the content go. Basically it will be a spellcasting to banish the pollution, and I can then follow up with trance work, once I can consistently enter trance states. (Any suggestions on doing that in a way that does not involve deep breathing would be helpful, or visualization, as that now causes the weird tongue spams)
All this can be summed up by a diviniation I had done where I learned the problems are all very deepy embedded in my subconscious. I may feel fine most of the time, may even fully believe in my magick while casting or summoning, but the subconscious does not. And it has erected a defencive barrier that reflects everything going in or out, absolutely. Until the Mirror Chrysalis, as I've come to call it, is destroyed, I'm stuck.
Good news is this is the perfect chance for that deep inner healing and focus. So that's what I'm doing.
As for experience in magick, I tried making my own spells and sigils, before even knowing what they were. Maybe sigil is wrong. Better to say I was producing mandalas that represented energy/astral spell systems to do work for me. I incorperated candles, bowls of water and crystals. Alas, the magick, like all my other castings, backfired onto me instead of striking my targets (the spells were beneficent, not baneful or hurtful). I was, however, deeply engaged with some baneful workings, and those did backfire. Currently my oldest cat is dying from a curse laid by charging a sigil to Methsan and Marbas. Healing the cat is now a major priority.
This year, I've successfully summoned Paimon into a scrying mirror, with significant if not vivid effects, and he worked on my behalf at once. All Hail King Paimon!
Next came Focalor and Vine, who I've had success contacting. Other then that, my experiences have been rather sparse. My next evocation will be with Gaap to see if he can assist in astral projection, or lucid dreaming.
That's all for now, my computer battery is about to give up the charge.
