- Joined
- Aug 24, 2025
- Messages
- 31
- Reaction score
- 58
I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. long hours at work hitting harder than normal. co-workers not doing as much as I feel they can. solitude outside of work increasing my normally lonely melancholic mood farther towards depression. and I still have more work coming this year as next month, I'll be joining the military and going to boot camp, but I'm worried that I meant not be ready despite it being a goal of mine for a while now.
I've changed a lot over the past 3 years. 3 years ago, I'd consider me a loser with no ambition, no drive. and through sheer meditation and will for change I've pushed myself to quit drugs, quit smoking, get a REAL high paying job that allowed me to get my first 1-bedroom apartment, quit depending on family for financial help, and work towards my goals. but despite all this, I fear I'm losing the strength to push myself farther. I've done so much by myself for so long and now I'm hitting a point on the hill so steep that by continuing to push the boulder up the hill by myself I'm also pushing myself.
I've always been estranged from others. isolating myself because of my unique way of seeing the world and thinking about things has led me to constantly have trouble holding on to long term relationships be it with friends, family, and love. I find people that share similar interests with me and strangers I'm able to spark up conversations with on the fly. but it never lasts, and it's never in a way that I could sit down with them and empty my grievances like I can in a text post anonymously on a forum page like this. if I did id fear their perception of me would change, that they'd see me as weak and not worthwhile or a burden to them as everyone has their own boulder to push.
within the last 8 months I've started to drink heavier and heavier to help with the nights I come home from a long stressful shift to an empty apartment that I have not bothered to properly keep clean or organize, what's the point when no one comes to visit. my soul is lonely, my heart is lonely, my mind yearns for a companion, I am lonely. but in today's day in age people my age can't seem to voice their needs for campion without ridicule from peers, at least from what I've noticed.
I don't know why I decided to write this. I think it's to vent and for me to self-reflect. I'm currently 12 hours into a 16-hour shift as I finish typing. when I clock out, I'll go home to my empty apartment and get ready for bed, hoping to get enough sleep to do it again the next day until my weekend in which ill drink and play video games by myself.
I've come so far, but there's still a life's mile a way ahead of me to go. all I can do is continue on working towards my goal and hope to meet someone that's as half as strange as I am to fill this empty whole in my life that seems to grow more noticeable every day.
I've changed a lot over the past 3 years. 3 years ago, I'd consider me a loser with no ambition, no drive. and through sheer meditation and will for change I've pushed myself to quit drugs, quit smoking, get a REAL high paying job that allowed me to get my first 1-bedroom apartment, quit depending on family for financial help, and work towards my goals. but despite all this, I fear I'm losing the strength to push myself farther. I've done so much by myself for so long and now I'm hitting a point on the hill so steep that by continuing to push the boulder up the hill by myself I'm also pushing myself.
I've always been estranged from others. isolating myself because of my unique way of seeing the world and thinking about things has led me to constantly have trouble holding on to long term relationships be it with friends, family, and love. I find people that share similar interests with me and strangers I'm able to spark up conversations with on the fly. but it never lasts, and it's never in a way that I could sit down with them and empty my grievances like I can in a text post anonymously on a forum page like this. if I did id fear their perception of me would change, that they'd see me as weak and not worthwhile or a burden to them as everyone has their own boulder to push.
within the last 8 months I've started to drink heavier and heavier to help with the nights I come home from a long stressful shift to an empty apartment that I have not bothered to properly keep clean or organize, what's the point when no one comes to visit. my soul is lonely, my heart is lonely, my mind yearns for a companion, I am lonely. but in today's day in age people my age can't seem to voice their needs for campion without ridicule from peers, at least from what I've noticed.
I don't know why I decided to write this. I think it's to vent and for me to self-reflect. I'm currently 12 hours into a 16-hour shift as I finish typing. when I clock out, I'll go home to my empty apartment and get ready for bed, hoping to get enough sleep to do it again the next day until my weekend in which ill drink and play video games by myself.
I've come so far, but there's still a life's mile a way ahead of me to go. all I can do is continue on working towards my goal and hope to meet someone that's as half as strange as I am to fill this empty whole in my life that seems to grow more noticeable every day.
