Journal Journal: A Skeptic's First Year of Operative Magick

[skeletonkey]

Around the age of 9 I was in a field and suddenly became aware of my own existence in a way that I've never been fully able to understand, explain or forget.

It was a strange sense of "I'm here right now" but not being fully certain what the "I" even is.

At this point several more decades have passed, going through phases of "spirituality", lots of meditation, personal development, plant medicine, hypnosis, altered state work, etc., but only minimal exposure to practical magick.

About 3 months ago, I decided out of sheer experimentation to practice what's in Jason Miller's field manual "The Sorcerer's Secrets: Strategies in Practical Magick".

I can assure you that when I started my expectations were almost zero. Seriously, when I read through some of the instructions, I had the same reaction that I had to another book called "Brain Magick" a couple decades prior: "How could any of this stuff actually do anything?"

Nonetheless, I decided to focus only on learning and applying what was in that book, suspend my judgment, for at least 30 days and tracking the results. SIDE NOTE: DOING THE WORK THEN FORGETTING ABOUT IT AND NOT CONSTANTLY CHECKING FOR RESULTS IS A BIG KEY IN ACTUALLY GETTING RESULTS

I often use AI with Miller's book to help me construct custom rituals from Miller's "subtle keys" and various components and techniques as well as to evaluate patterns from my magick lab book notes and data. I then ask it to give me feedback on what it sees and recommend possible next steps based on the book. (Effective prompt engineering is key for using AI for purposes like these and that is a topic beyond the scope of this post).

Rather than try and summarize 90+ days and 75+ full rituals (plus daily practice and study), the broad strokes are these:

-had an early ritual involving releasing an old attachment to an old relationship and memories. Did a ritual involving pen, paper, salt, bag and more. No expectation that it would work. It didn't work fully the same day but it absolutely "worked". I mention this because this was one of the first experiences that genuinely surprised me and motivated me that there might be some "there there".

-about 30 days in I stopped asking if it worked and started really trying to understand what the hell was going on. The results were so unmistakable that to stop after the first 30 days became unthinkable.

-I have so many experiences and logged results under my belt that I got to the point where I felt like everything works every time. This was quickly followed by me attempting more bold experiments and not getting quite the results I "hoped for?/expected?".

-I've kept going and refining and getting into practicing magick has given me new inspiration around living in general. Life had become pointless, flat, dead, boring, inert. The truth is, it was never any of those things but my mental map had constructed a nice little prison that was slowly choking the life out of me.

-I'm still very much a novice, I'm excited to have seemingly stumbled through the looking glass and even though experiences before helped me understand that there was much more to reality than what there appears to be, now, I'm learning to live and interact with it in a way I've never done before.

Happy to answer questions about my experience if anyone has them.

 

[skeletonkey]

I started writing up a considerable update that covered longer chunks of time rather than trying to post all the time. Well, that turns out to result in me overthinking the post and not actually posting so, I'll give a bit now while it's fresh on my mind.

First, this is my current working definition of magic: "Magick is a process by which you increasingly expose the unreality of the impossible"

Those are my words but I can't take credit for the inspiration. Frater UD's (even the first chapter of) "Ice Magick: First Insights" really hit me.

(as far as any "Ice Magick Wars" commentary, please save it. I'm not into the politics associated with that, nor do I have a "side".)

Another brief update, note sure if others can relate.

So, as I mentioned before, I started working with one of Jason Miller's books a few months ago. (see previous post above)

3+ months of daily practice with multiple full rituals/experiments each week and the changes I've been experiencing internally are interesting to say the least.

For example, it's like my unconscious is purging because all the deepest rooted stuff is coming up. I won't get into specifics.

Although this can be a bit uncomfortable at times, it's accompanied by this sense of joy that literally brings me to tears.

I hear songs that make my heart sing, eyes drip..but I'm not sad. I'm not ecstatic. It's more like feeling all of it, the terror, the gentleness, the confusion, the pain, the love, all of known existence felt and a sense of compassion for humanity which has only increased since childhood. The sense in me that I can't detach myself from my brother's and sister's suffering. (I get it, some of you may be gagging at all this touchy feely stuff. That's cool. I'm pretty sure nobody is forcing you to read this either)

I feel like I'm taking my first real breathes as whatever the fuck I actually am for the first time in my life.

Sure I've had experiences, glimpses..but it's been more passive. Think DMT breakthroughs, etc. then, as Terrence McKenna put it; the gold slips through your fingers quickly, and you're left knowing nothing for sure, other than OMG WTF what was that?!?

Something shocking, unbelievably interesting, confusing, with zero reference points from your normal experience to anchor in, was experienced and now a whole new set of questions emerge.....

This is the first time in my life where I stand and confidently identify with the most high. GOD if you will. Whatever label cracks your very sense of the miraculous wide open. I don't care.

What surprised me is how much internal resistance I had to actually doing it seriously. I half thought "god" was going to strike me down for being so arrogant.

I literally still feel awkward doing it but it's starting to become more normal to identify with deity or invoke a current like Heka for example.

That's another thing. Reading the Egyptian Coffin Spell 261 "To Become Heka" as part of a larger ritual. I'll admit, that made me nervous the first time.

Because it's the unknown. Because I don't know what the fuck I'm even doing or what I may be dipping my paws into.

I've repeated that spell as part of multiple rituals and seems relatively consistent in it's effect. Dramatic increase in confidence usually halfway through the spell. The type of confidence that you can feel behind your eyes. I could elaborate but you already know.

Point is, I still feel a bit intimidated and experience a bit of imposter syndrome when focusing on fully embodying those words and taking it seriously with full sincerity, not just reading script.

My perception has and is changing. I see the relationships around me more clearly, which has revealed some things that I wasn't noticing that were surprising. Mainly because I couldn't believe that I couldn't see the obvious before. I saw them more honestly. Warts and all.

Some times that meant noticing qualities in people that I hadn't before. Other times that has resulted in me seeing shortcomings that are blatantly obvious in people that I respect and love deeply, that I had been oblivious of.

I realized that we've been hypnotized using our own power, basically offered a choice between powerlessness or nihilism. Bamboozled. Tricked.

Part of my process has been calling to, I guess, my Agathodaimon, personal guardian angel or something.

I experience it's presence as happening through me rather than appearing as an apparition before me.

Still don't know if all this magick stuff is our unconscious mind and symbolism (Jungian model sort of) or if there is independent "stuff" out there. Maybe the question itself is the problem.

The other day I watched the smoke coming off incense. I figured I might just do some impromptu spirit work and see if any "entities" or spirits around would communicate or show presence via the smoke. I relaxed and shed the belief that it was impossible. For a few minutes I just focused on the smoke coming off (which is quite interesting to watch on it's own).

Not immediately but shortly after the smoke seemed to respond in tandem with a sensation that frightened me a bit. I sat there watching this smoke with the sensation that I might be observing the effects of a spirit or something.

...or maybe I just convinced myself that the smoke was doing more than it was. I'll never know for sure.

I'd love to hear solid feedback from experienced, non-dogmatic occultists who would like to share there experiences that might be relevant or helpful.

I'm really doing my best to walk my path each day but as I experiment with things that become increasingly abnormal, the line between genuinely experiencing something beyond versus psychosis starts to become increasingly thin.