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- Feb 24, 2026
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Hello,
Been doing ceremonial initiation for the better part of almost 3 years now, with 4 years prior studying religious literature mostly as idle contemplation.
Granted most of it was just idling around in the labyrinth without any proper depth, and an unfortunate stint with experiences of psychedelic's that went on longer than I'd care to admit. Due to my Aphantasia its was some of the first experiences I had with the concept of 'inner vision' or a mind's eye. It did provide a good amount of insights and technical understanding of how my own mind operates at a surface level without much depth. I am still akin to a blind man when it comes to spiritual vision or visualization of any degree, within the last 3 years of sobriety I have had exactly 3-4 encounters with what I can consider spirits. A water elemental for just a few moments during water invocations, The visage of Zeus crafted from the cosmic night sky during a Jupiterian invocation, an unknown being of an orb with a rainbow of colors surrounded by an outer layer of white brilliance, and the last being a bit more up in the air. This was during my time building the body in Briah and the vocalization of Metatron at Keter, a voice as if it were standing behind me spoke the word 'Samyaza' when pondering which spirits to work with after finishing Adeptus Minor.
Presently I am within the Philosophus/Fire grade, having made my way thus far by 'feeling' the sigils in the air and inducing the emotional feeling provoked by each color as required. While I cannot discount the efficacy of the changes that have manifested in my life, my inner rational skeptic is a tough cookie to break on certain matters. Its kept me from the worst aspects of mania and insanity I should have fallen into given a default state of disbelief and unimpressedness.
Predominantly my largest frustration in the field is a lack of personal creativity and motivation to keep on going on. Throughout my time here on this planet since birth, any and all projects I have attempted to start are met with an intense internal friction after the initial novelty has worn off. It vanishes into the ether from my awareness as if it had never occurred after a period of time, even keeping written reminders become invisible in a way to me. Forcing myself to continue in instances leads to a rapid degradation of mental well-being and interpersonal relationships, leaving me with a feeling of being hopelessly adrift at sea with only a single light house in the distance. That light being what I consider to be my driving purpose, to know the unknowable one in all of its myriad facets of manifestation of multiplicity.
I understand this is not a Diary entry, but I would appreciate some thoughts on the matter if you'd care to share, or possible Magickal remediation's that could be taken.
Signing off,
Voice of Wonder.
Been doing ceremonial initiation for the better part of almost 3 years now, with 4 years prior studying religious literature mostly as idle contemplation.
Granted most of it was just idling around in the labyrinth without any proper depth, and an unfortunate stint with experiences of psychedelic's that went on longer than I'd care to admit. Due to my Aphantasia its was some of the first experiences I had with the concept of 'inner vision' or a mind's eye. It did provide a good amount of insights and technical understanding of how my own mind operates at a surface level without much depth. I am still akin to a blind man when it comes to spiritual vision or visualization of any degree, within the last 3 years of sobriety I have had exactly 3-4 encounters with what I can consider spirits. A water elemental for just a few moments during water invocations, The visage of Zeus crafted from the cosmic night sky during a Jupiterian invocation, an unknown being of an orb with a rainbow of colors surrounded by an outer layer of white brilliance, and the last being a bit more up in the air. This was during my time building the body in Briah and the vocalization of Metatron at Keter, a voice as if it were standing behind me spoke the word 'Samyaza' when pondering which spirits to work with after finishing Adeptus Minor.
Presently I am within the Philosophus/Fire grade, having made my way thus far by 'feeling' the sigils in the air and inducing the emotional feeling provoked by each color as required. While I cannot discount the efficacy of the changes that have manifested in my life, my inner rational skeptic is a tough cookie to break on certain matters. Its kept me from the worst aspects of mania and insanity I should have fallen into given a default state of disbelief and unimpressedness.
Predominantly my largest frustration in the field is a lack of personal creativity and motivation to keep on going on. Throughout my time here on this planet since birth, any and all projects I have attempted to start are met with an intense internal friction after the initial novelty has worn off. It vanishes into the ether from my awareness as if it had never occurred after a period of time, even keeping written reminders become invisible in a way to me. Forcing myself to continue in instances leads to a rapid degradation of mental well-being and interpersonal relationships, leaving me with a feeling of being hopelessly adrift at sea with only a single light house in the distance. That light being what I consider to be my driving purpose, to know the unknowable one in all of its myriad facets of manifestation of multiplicity.
I understand this is not a Diary entry, but I would appreciate some thoughts on the matter if you'd care to share, or possible Magickal remediation's that could be taken.
Signing off,
Voice of Wonder.
