3/14
I created a symbol to represent accessing my subconscious and visualized it falling asleep, this is the dream I had that night:
I am captured by some men, and they tell me before they kill me they will first destroy me and humiliate me.
They drag me to a remote camp and cut off both of my hands, after throwing me around and kicking me they then cut off my feet and laugh as I try to move. Next they cut off my arms at the elbow and taunt me by punching me, I keep trying to defend with phantom arms I no longer have.
Then they cut off my genitals and eat it in front of me, laughing at me, and then finally they throw me on the ground, kneeling on top of my head.
I am no longer in a camp but in a gym, with people from my life around me. Some of my friends even join in on the torture while others are horrified by what happened to me but refuse to speak about it.
I see people around me doing things I once enjoyed, including the men who did this to me, and am filled with intense sadness
I am filled with a burst of anger and while one of the men is laughing I roll on top of him and press my arm against his throat, feeling his pulse, and wanting to kill him,
but realize the futileness as it would not change what has happened and get off of him. I next contemplate to curse them so they go through the same suffering I just did, but again decide not to.
I realize that this life and identity is over, and endure further mocking and beatings quietly. I lay down and let myself die.
