Journal Rebirth of Primal

[Primal]

Hello
This is my journal of self knowing, researching Magick, recorded here, on a public display. Day by day. This is my journey.

I had my awakening when I was on THC, at 35 years of age. Since I am very creative and sensitive, this triggered intense visions of the other side, many Gods and Goddesses were present, spiritual teachers, and they all gave me instructions how to reach Ego Death (I had no idea what is it, I learned about it from my visions) Subconscious, hallucinations, or real encounters, they changed me. I believe it is my subconscious as I don't believe in any entity as real.

I was lost in life (and I still am in a way)no directions, in doing nothing by myself and relying on others to tell me how to live, or to rely on books. I never asked myself what do I think I should do. I didn't know who am I. No identity. Nothing. I call this Ego death because the false image of me as I see myself and others see me completely changed. The Ego death happened when I realized that I have to change my personality completely and redefine myself.

In my journal, I'll write about my path of self mastery and I'll expose myself to be laughed at, humiliated because of the lack of experience or any other reason if I fail to meet my own expectations.This is my system of responsibility. I draw inspiration from your journals too.

 

[Primal]

My first step is a complete change of my character. I believe this is possible.

Books I'l use: -

Psychology
Paul Jagot's Autosuggestion and The power of the will,
Robert Green's 48 laws of the power and The laws of the human nature,
Joseph Murphy - the power of the subconscious mind
The social anxiety workbook by Martin Anthony and Ritchard Swinson
Tessa Watt - Mindfulness
Kacudžo Niši - Healing by breathing - energetic breathing
Thibaut Meurisse - Master your emotions


Two books from the Orthodox Christian church:

Saint Nikodim Agiorit The invisible battle and The Ladder by John Lestvicnik
(Don't know how to translate this correctly)

Three books from the Church of Satan:

The Satanic Bible - Anton La Vey, The Satanic Rituals and The Satanic Witch

Budissm:
The noble eightfold path by B. Bodhi

Don't know how to classify this yet:

Raven Digitalis - Shadow magick compendium
The inner temple witchcraft by Christopher Penczak

As for me, I must face myself in the mirror and sit with my emotions, fears and doubts, regrets and the good things I did in the past. I wrote about the Ego Death - that's it. It has to stay dead. This has to be done every minute of every day, accepting full responsibility for my actions and decisions before attempting any magick.

 

[Primal]

Magic is beauty an it is everywhere. I am a dark magician because I cast bad spells onto myself constantly. Many of my spells backfired.

!!I'll share what doing magick without knowledge and inner healing, and training can do. !!

First thing first. My first spell ever was the one I found in a teenage magazine and I tried it. It backfired in a sence that I don't know how to express my feelings or to feel emotions like a real person anymore.

I took a purple candle, some salt and chanted - "Heart and soul are the only luck, my power is only bigger than that.".. I started using my pure reason and not my emotional part, it was the very beginning of my mental ilness...(BPD)

My second spell was a blood ritual (idiotic, I know) with my now ex husband. Two black candles, white candle and a graveyard. A recipe for disaster. You don't do love ritual in a freaking cemetery! It backfired like this - it ruined my relationship with my ex, my twin flame (not my husband, he appeared later on)(the one with pyrokinesis and telekinesis abilities- serious amount of power and real knowledge of magick) Since I am bound to my ex husband, new bound is impossible.

My third failed ritual is the one for money. Ridiculous one. I blocked 5 things with it and my ex, a witch had to burn it with his powers because any other natural method failed. He personally sealed the end of our relationship because that object had The World tarot card on it, so when it was burned, I was free to do shadow work (I couldn't do it because I subconsciously blocked it with magic)but the relationship is doomed.

Fourth failed ritual is a reversed blood ritual, no blood involved but it involves black candle, and two white candles representing constant doubts and bad luck as it turns out...and now after all, we aren't together, and we became enemies at the end.

So, why do I want to learn magic?I feel obligated to my abilities that has been awakened after I met my twin flame. I have healing abilities and I am an empath. An unhealed healer is a real danger to everyone. When I feel love, I start to heal, my power is in my hands and I have to remove them from a person before I make any damage. I didn't do that one time and my own child ended up in a hospital.

I have to do this properly now because I can't just shut down my powers.I tried though. And I am a ticking bomb without proper training.

 

[Primal]

I have decided to go celibate for at least one year from today. I want to channel that energy into something else. Thinking about making a concrete plan, month by month, on how to work on myself, after proper research. I found all the mentioned books, added some more, but books alone are not enough. There must be a concrete plan, day by day, to implement reading and self-reflection into my already busy schedule.

Here are my objectives for this year

Training for a virtual assistant
Studying laws and the Constitution for the Bar Exam
Working on focus, memory, visualisation, and relaxing
Working on traumas and other unresolved issues
Improving my English
Finding a steady job so I can pay off my debts
Reading for half an hour every day
practicing cooking and cleaning
Working out


I will write about shadow work and magic-related topics here in my journal.

 

[Primal]

It was revealed to me to whom I should devote my life to, my celibacy, everything...Just now...I was lost in so much deites to choose from, and it all makes sense now. I will explore Luciferianism in depth... Everything makes sense now...

Since I have a strong Christian backround I thought it should be Jesus, but reading the Bible and all I realized he was just a powerful witch and not a deity per se...

I don't believe in deities to be real beings but the archetype of Lucifer - it clicks with me. It is me.My whole family is messed up, my dad is an alcoholic and an ex communist preaching about Jesus he has no clue about, the other members (priesthood) just go on with the church system but I was always the explorer, the black sheep, the whistle blower...The unhealed healer... Celibacy is for practicing self control, it will last for at least a year...

Thank you, Lucifer...

Now when I have a goal, I will have a structure and a guide.

And yes, we need no tools, but they are useful.

 

[Sedim Haba]

Here are my objectives for this year

Training for a virtual assistant

What exactly do you mean by "Training for a virtual assistant" ... to be one? get one? AI one?

Also, if you wish to understand Yeshua in a non-Xian way, I can help with that. At least from my perspective.

(Note that I am only asking questions for clarity and offering help, no comments on your journal)

 

[Primal]

I meant training to become one, (bad choice of words - english is not my first language)I would like to hear your perspective, sure

 

[Sedim Haba]

I meant training to become one, (bad choice of words - english is not my first language)I would like to hear your perspective, sure

Ah. I get it. It wasn't a bad choice, just had more than one possible interpretation. What is your native, if you don't mind saying?

Not a good idea to discuss such things as religion on a Journal, I will look for a topic thread in line and post there,
then PM you the link when done. It's on my list of things to do/discuss. May have to make one in Controversy if can't find.

 

[Primal]

My native language is Serbian.Serbia is the country I was born and raised in. My family has three generations of priests of the Eastern Ortodox Christian church.

 

[Primal]

My progress with the shadow work is slow because there are so many layers in my head. I try to learn to be responsible for my actions—first thing to do. I am in love with myself. While realizing that I am not as powerful and intelligent as some of the people I know, and you here. Modesty is key.

I am trying to figure out how to stop being indecisive. With 4 planets in Libra, it is hard.

I plan to put everything on paper and make one final decision. For every aspect of my life. Oh, how long is the path of self-mastery! I worship myself, but I have to be realistic. I am not God.

 

[Sedim Haba]

Sorry, I have not made that thread yet.

<----- As you can see, got into a bit o trouble, laying low, certainly not a good time for controversy.

 

[Keldan]

I’ll just leave you with something positive. I truly believe you’re just as powerful and intelligent as anyone else. The gods and goddesses gave you these callings for a reason. Maybe the hardships showed up because you can heal through them, because you’re capable of doing that work. If someone else were in your place, they might not be able to face the shadow work you’re facing. So give yourself some grace, and keep believing in yourself.

My progress with the shadow work is slow because there are so many layers in my head. I try to learn to be responsible for my actions—first thing to do. I am in love with myself. While realizing that I am not as powerful and intelligent as some of the people I know, and you here. Modesty is key.

I am trying to figure out how to stop being indecisive. With 4 planets in Libra, it is hard.

I plan to put everything on paper and make one final decision. For every aspect of my life. Oh, how long is the path of self-mastery! I worship myself, but I have to be realistic. I am not God.

 

[Primal]

Thank you, @Keldan and @Sedim Haba

 

[Primal]

I've went through tutorials here and I am ready to start with the basic mind training. I decided to put reading books on hold and focus on self reflection through journaling instead. Consulting myself instead of books. I will work on autosuggestion too. Indecisive to the end

Post automatically merged: Monday at 3:51 PM

My past lives

I had 14 of them. I saw some of them during spontaneous astral projection once.

I was a mentally disabled man killed by hunters in my first life. Then I was high priestess twice. In one of these lives, I sacrificed my child from this life as a part of a ritual. I was a nun in a monastery in one of my lives, and my twin flame from this life k.illed me because I was pregnant with his child and abandoned him at the altar to become a nun. That child I lost due to abortion is my child in this life (the second time we meet). Then, I was homeless, and my twin flame in this life helped me stay on my feet. I poisoned him in that life. In another life, I betrayed my twin flame, turning him over to the inquisitors to save myself. My ex-husband burned me in this life because I was disobedient. Now he is fascinated with fire. In one of my lives, the three of us (his ex in this life, myself, and him) were married in a pagan ritual. I was in a relationship with her while I was in a relationship with him. So we all lived together for a while, when he decided to abandon the polyamorous relationship and pick her over me. I never got over that, even in this life. In this life, we had a threesome on my initiative, again. I was a queen and a painter. My ex-husband left me in one of my lives, too.

There is a pattern in my past lives. Doing things because of others (became a nun to avoid being excluded from the society of that time ), turning my twin flame over to the Inquisition to save myself, and poisoning him because of others. There is a love wound (left by both twin flame and my now ex-husband), and being hurtful towards my child in two of my lives. So my assignment for this life is to stop living for others, to let love in my life, and to raise my child as I should, in love and respect. There is also a pattern of selfishness (bringing his ex into our relationship, both in this and in past lives). As for my love life, I got divorced, became enemies with my twin flame, and left my boyfriend because he wanted us to be close; he wanted my emotions, which I am not ready to give. My daughter lives with my husband, and I rarely get to see her. Instead of getting out and socialising (north node in Aquarius, stelium in Libra, ruler of the stelium, Venus in the 11th house), I act as my Saturn in the 12th house, which is not good for my mental health. a Scorpio Sun, Libra Moon, and Capricorn rising. So, a lot to work on.

Post automatically merged: Monday at 4:37 PM

My story of obedience

I was so obedient as a child. Older knows best, I have to go to church and listen to my parents and my older brother. No drugs or alcohol allowed; my parents had to know everything about me. I had to be home at exactly 1 am. No going out, no experimenting. My boyfriend (now ex-husband) was boring - good enough for my boring life. (no going out, a newly converted Christian, safe, predictable). A good child. I was rebellious at first, wore black, dyed my hair bright red. But I lost the spark in my attempts to please others. I wanted to be accepted into that family. So I converted back to the orthodoxy. Threw all of the books away. Ki.lled my true self. And then I met him. The twin flame. Tried drugs. And the whole new world opened to me. I am not the same as I was. He opened my eyes. But he was dishonest and humiliated me. So we are enemies now. I realised I was a chronic people pleaser without the courage to stand up for myself. Now I am jobless and in a huge debt. Divorced. I lost my job. After all, I don't know how to do anything because I wasn't even trying to become independent. Everything was made and created for me upfront. I was a coward. I developed social anxiety.

So, maybe I am more of an LHP now? I deny every plan made for me now. Finding my own way. I'll figure it out. I mustn't give up on myself. I owe that to myself and my child. I'll escape the system and find my own way. Still scared. But I'll succeed.

 

[Primal]

First thing on my list is to create new beliefs about myself.

Instead of being called incompetent, I'll accept that I am learning things for the first time.
Instead of excessive self-criticism, I'll accept my flaws and love myself nevertheless.
What did I do by myself today? A question I answer every day to strengthen my independence and use my own judgement.
I find grounding and centering crucial for my self-control. Since my emotions are hard to control, this technique helps a lot.
Instead of being scared of people, I'll spend as much time as I can with them.

I'll spare you from reading my daily answers to these questions, don't worry

Post automatically merged: Tuesday at 8:18 PM

How to face yourself?Be realistic. Write about it in your journal. What is the thing you hide from yourself?What is unacceptable about you? Face yourself, directly. It took me two years to figure this out... To actually ask myself instead of others and books...

Post automatically merged: Wednesday at 1:45 PM

My twin flame

She is actually a karmic partner. Not a twin flame. Fascinating person with extraordinary abilities. (telekinesis, pyrokinesis, mind reading, seeing spirits, seeing the future, healing) We communicated telepathically. Without words. A bound not like any other. She took my soul away. She took my money away. She damaged me. I was in a hospital for 60 days (psych ward) because of her. Healing takes time, but my emotions just get stronger. I think she did an obsession spell on me. So I rationalise - I am not in love, I am just under a spell.

Since she is a witch, I may be under a spell, because these intrusive thoughts just get stronger. It looks like OCD. I don't want to think about it. When I stop romanticising, it will all go away. Astrologically. My planets were on the most deadly of stars on the day I took a loan from the bank. The chart indicated I was under a spell on that day. Not following my intuition. Intuition told me to run. I didn't listen. And now...No job, no money, no rationality.

But who cares about her? The court of law will do the rest. I sued her; the punishment is prison, 3 months to 3 years, for what she did. She is intersex, so if I address her as him, that is the reason.

She played with me as if I were a toy. She tried to help me deal with my things in the beginning. And then she showed her true colors. After she got the money. Sad, but true.

Because I felt true love, my healing abilities awakened. Now they are impossible to shut down.

Here is the lesson learned - people will cheat and lie. There is no such thing as an agreement and respect. I should have respected myself enough to step away on the first sign of disrespect. I do this to myself. Sleep with someone just because he wants to sleep with me. I basically humiliate myself because I have a bad self-image. I must respect myself and my boundaries.

Here is how I will do it - Lose 12kg, work out, work on my psyche and self-respect, and then find someone after my period of celibacy is finished.

Post automatically merged: Wednesday at 4:32 PM

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I could upload this the other way, but the picture is too big. So here is the link only.

I am a Scorpio with Moon in Libra, Capricorn rising.

I have Libra Stellium (Moon, Mars, Mercury)
Capricorn Stellium (Saturn, Uranus, Neptune)
9th house Stellium (Mars, Mercury, Pluto, Sun)

Cardinal principle dominant, Air and Earth, only Venus in a fire sign. Only Venus is mutable.

Planets over the horizon - my inner turmoil happens before the eyes of others. Planets both left and right - a mixture of destiny and free will.

I am curious to find out what the course of my life will be. So I'll be focusing on the psychological aspect now.

As a Libra stellium, I need to have a relationship with someone in order to feel safe. Especially seen in Moon in Libra in the 8th house, 22nd degree. Since I am a Scorpio, Pluto and Mars are important. Pluto is in the 9th house, in conjunction with the Sun in the 9th house (house of higher knowledge, philosophy, religion, law). Fanatically exploring all these areas. My belief system is a main focus here, and I'll always come back to it. (As I do). With Saturn, the ruler of my ASC in the 12th house, I am reserved, anxious, and deeply introspective. I am self-centered. My Mars in Libra hates conflict. Generally, my Libra Stellium. Not your everyday Scorpio. I am Saturnian, harsh on myself, and reserved. I was born on the day and the hour of Saturn.

Capricorn Stellium - I must work on my own to obtain goals. Must develop self-discipline, which is not part of my nature (Jupiter in the 6th house in Cancer - it can give laziness in everyday things). My focus in life, like it or not, is on introspection, intuition (ruler of 1st house in 12th), and beliefs. Ruler of 9th in 11th - it could benefit society. My north node is in the 1st house in Aquarius - focus on the others and myself, there must be balance. My south node is in the 7th house in Leo - when my ego is at its peak, I am an easy target for my enemies.

So, as soon as I accept within myself that I must fulfill my tasks for this life, given by my visions and natal chart, it will be easier.

I am not proficient in astrology, but I am learning. This is just a brief overview.

 

[Primal]

Godesses Vesna and Hecate (Archetypes)

When I was having these intense visions under the influence of psychotics, I met these two Goddesses...They say that when Hecate is near you find lost keys and the animals stand still...when I met Her there was a random rusty lost key in front of my door, which is strange...I want to praise Them because they offered healing and guidance. Vesna amplified my healing abilities so I was healing everything in my life, my bloodline, the events from my past... Hecate told me to continue working on myself and to realise the consequences of my actions on my own. I cried and cried, it was very intense... It is interesting how my subconscious hides so much clues of what should I do.

Post automatically merged: Yesterday at 4:16 PM

I poison myself with self hatred and SH sometimes. I punish myself for not doing things right. Brutal punishment for every mistake and flaw. I believe I should be extraordinary, but I'm not, I am ordinary, average. Sometimes the worst. If I want to be extraordinary, there must be extraordinary effort. Working on my goals and believing that I can do it, day and night. And no I give up mentality...

 

[Primal]

I must admit that I am drawn to all magical paths...So I'll just go with the flow. Whatever feels right.

Post automatically merged: Yesterday at 9:44 PM

So, another conclusion with a clear path, at last. I'll go with christianized magick as it is the closest and most familiar to me. Also the easiest to practice as nobody will suspect that I perform magic when I go to my altar room)I use the Bible for divination, pray, cleanse the objects and space according to ortodoxy, even planning to use official holy books used by the priests,(if it isn't considered as closed practice )with the Book of Oberon. I have to start with what I know. I'll research Luciferianism later.

I know,I am a total noob Mixing everything...