I'm having a really disheartening go of it lately and am curious about how the practices & craft of various members here would address this. In short, I've spent four months being responsible, proactive, and patient while a cascade of institutional failures (insurance, pharmacy, Medicaid, and car manufacturer, etc) kept punishing feel like they're punishing me. Now I'm broke, exhausted, and running on a depleted nervous system which feels like it's one action away from going off the rails.
I think getting into Magick & the Occult makes one averse to the potential of experiencing chaos, seeing synchronicity, and then prescribing things like attacks and stuff like that. I also don't really know who would do that anyways - I've put a lot of work in exploring what it means to be earnestly kind to folks and really feel like I'm just a quiet friendly person. Still, a part of me has contemplated this sort of thing. I've also wondered if I'm going through a destructive period that's setting me up to walk through a door into a new phase of life, and if doing magic affect what's going on right now might be an act of distrusting something that ultimately has my best interests in mind, despite the recent things I've gone through. More than anything I just keep looking at this pattern of chaos and am wondering if I have something to do with it. Is it my path as a musician? Am I taking on too much? I usually don't keep this kind of schedule, it's just been a busy summer/fall.
Anyways, I could really just use some insight, or at least would like to hear how it would be approached through the lens of the eclectic approaches on here. FWIW I tend to be drawn to folks like Aidan Wachter and Josephine McCarthy but am just curious to hear what's out there through the lens of my bs.
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[A summary of my last few months for those interested. Quite the perfect storm of first world problems]
I had a tour with my band booked for most of September and October, and three session clients I'd worked with earlier in the year all decided to release within two weeks of each other. I enjoy being busy, but August turned into a month of juggling group chats, scheduling, rehearsals, and memorization on top of my usual 10-15 weekly students. For someone still pulling out of a 2-3 year depression, it pushed me to my limit.
My one day off in the middle of this was spent arguing with my car insurance company. They'd failed to record my roommate's info during the quote and wanted to adjust my rate to reflect him possibly driving my car. They admitted they were wrong but said the system wouldn't let them fix it. Pay up.
Then I hit the road and discovered on day 8 that my psych had only filled my ADHD medication for 20 capsules instead of the full amount. I spent the next week trying to get it filled while changing cities every night. The pharmacy in Cincinnati said they had it, then didn't. My psych couldn't transfer the script to Nashville because of DEA restrictions. I quit cold turkey with three weeks left on tour until I'd be able to get a refill back home.
On day 15, I got an email saying my car insurance was discontinued. I'd signed up for paperless information, but they'd sent one physical form requiring my signature, which I missed while on the road. Again, they admitted fault. Again, nothing they could do. The deadline for returning their mileage tracker was also immovable, even though I wouldn't be home in time so I also had to fork out $ for that.
When I finally got back, I found my car dead in my bass player's driveway. We jumped it, got it home, and it died again. Turns out that make and model has a known issue with parasitic battery drain caused by a computer error. I couldn't deal with it immediately because I had fill-in gigs with rehearsals starting at 11am the morning after I got back. I spent late October and November charting and memorizing just under 60 songs across four gigs, all while diagnosing my car and Ubering everywhere. Eventually I got the dealership to update the chip, but it took another full day of polite phone arguments.
Then came Medicaid. I completed my reevaluation (five days early this year wooo!), but the next day I got an email saying my health insurance was discontinued due to "failure to complete the reevaluation on time" despite the fact that... well, I had certainly finished it. This was Thanksgiving week, so I couldn't reach anyone until Friday due to weird timing of the holiday.
Meanwhile, I was still trying to get my ADHD script filled. The pharmacy said it wasn't in their system. My psych said he'd sent it. The pharmacy said they'd call me back. They didn't. By this point, between Ubers, a new battery, car insurance, holiday lesson cancellations and rent, I was broke. Even with GoodRx, I couldn't afford my meds out of pocket.
On Sunday, the pharmacy finally found the prescription. They claimed it had been sent to Cincinnati, the same location from September. I texted my psych, keeping my composure, so he'd respond first thing Monday.
Monday was my last chance. I was leaving Tuesday for another three-week tour and needed my Medicaid sorted to fill the script. The insurance rep confirmed the discontinuation was a rare system error they couldn't reproduce or explain, but they fast-tracked my reevaluation. I got approved at noon. My psych confirmed the pharmacy had been wrong. When I called back, they miraculously had my prescription ready to fill.
At 5pm, my health portal confirmed my benefits were restored. I went to the pharmacy after their lunch, but the system hadn't fully updated my health insurance yet, so they couldn't process it. I did a fun little kid tantrum scream flail dance, cried in my car, went home, had a panic attack, and packed for tour anyway. My roommate did make me tacos and his situationship gave me a Reeses cup though so maybe I did come out on top after everything?
At 10pm that night, my bass player texted that the van had broken down. We'd have to delay tour a day. That turned into two days, then more. Silver lining: I could finally get my prescription. Downside: I was counting on the first four gigs to make rent.
The van has been in the shop since last Thursday, and I still haven't left. Every lead I've reached out to about lessons, sessions, or fill-in work (I'm offering reduced rates for advance payment)) has either not responded or said no. My landlord is frustrated (but understandingish since I'm always on time with rent) because it's now the 9th and I've only paid 810 of my $1150 rent. My bandwidth and nerves are so fried that this morning I woke up, opened my laptop to get back to work trying to scrounge money, and instead just stared at the screen and straight up zoned out for 45 minutes which only ended because my ultradian task timer went off.
I think getting into Magick & the Occult makes one averse to the potential of experiencing chaos, seeing synchronicity, and then prescribing things like attacks and stuff like that. I also don't really know who would do that anyways - I've put a lot of work in exploring what it means to be earnestly kind to folks and really feel like I'm just a quiet friendly person. Still, a part of me has contemplated this sort of thing. I've also wondered if I'm going through a destructive period that's setting me up to walk through a door into a new phase of life, and if doing magic affect what's going on right now might be an act of distrusting something that ultimately has my best interests in mind, despite the recent things I've gone through. More than anything I just keep looking at this pattern of chaos and am wondering if I have something to do with it. Is it my path as a musician? Am I taking on too much? I usually don't keep this kind of schedule, it's just been a busy summer/fall.
Anyways, I could really just use some insight, or at least would like to hear how it would be approached through the lens of the eclectic approaches on here. FWIW I tend to be drawn to folks like Aidan Wachter and Josephine McCarthy but am just curious to hear what's out there through the lens of my bs.
---
[A summary of my last few months for those interested. Quite the perfect storm of first world problems]
I had a tour with my band booked for most of September and October, and three session clients I'd worked with earlier in the year all decided to release within two weeks of each other. I enjoy being busy, but August turned into a month of juggling group chats, scheduling, rehearsals, and memorization on top of my usual 10-15 weekly students. For someone still pulling out of a 2-3 year depression, it pushed me to my limit.
My one day off in the middle of this was spent arguing with my car insurance company. They'd failed to record my roommate's info during the quote and wanted to adjust my rate to reflect him possibly driving my car. They admitted they were wrong but said the system wouldn't let them fix it. Pay up.
Then I hit the road and discovered on day 8 that my psych had only filled my ADHD medication for 20 capsules instead of the full amount. I spent the next week trying to get it filled while changing cities every night. The pharmacy in Cincinnati said they had it, then didn't. My psych couldn't transfer the script to Nashville because of DEA restrictions. I quit cold turkey with three weeks left on tour until I'd be able to get a refill back home.
On day 15, I got an email saying my car insurance was discontinued. I'd signed up for paperless information, but they'd sent one physical form requiring my signature, which I missed while on the road. Again, they admitted fault. Again, nothing they could do. The deadline for returning their mileage tracker was also immovable, even though I wouldn't be home in time so I also had to fork out $ for that.
When I finally got back, I found my car dead in my bass player's driveway. We jumped it, got it home, and it died again. Turns out that make and model has a known issue with parasitic battery drain caused by a computer error. I couldn't deal with it immediately because I had fill-in gigs with rehearsals starting at 11am the morning after I got back. I spent late October and November charting and memorizing just under 60 songs across four gigs, all while diagnosing my car and Ubering everywhere. Eventually I got the dealership to update the chip, but it took another full day of polite phone arguments.
Then came Medicaid. I completed my reevaluation (five days early this year wooo!), but the next day I got an email saying my health insurance was discontinued due to "failure to complete the reevaluation on time" despite the fact that... well, I had certainly finished it. This was Thanksgiving week, so I couldn't reach anyone until Friday due to weird timing of the holiday.
Meanwhile, I was still trying to get my ADHD script filled. The pharmacy said it wasn't in their system. My psych said he'd sent it. The pharmacy said they'd call me back. They didn't. By this point, between Ubers, a new battery, car insurance, holiday lesson cancellations and rent, I was broke. Even with GoodRx, I couldn't afford my meds out of pocket.
On Sunday, the pharmacy finally found the prescription. They claimed it had been sent to Cincinnati, the same location from September. I texted my psych, keeping my composure, so he'd respond first thing Monday.
Monday was my last chance. I was leaving Tuesday for another three-week tour and needed my Medicaid sorted to fill the script. The insurance rep confirmed the discontinuation was a rare system error they couldn't reproduce or explain, but they fast-tracked my reevaluation. I got approved at noon. My psych confirmed the pharmacy had been wrong. When I called back, they miraculously had my prescription ready to fill.
At 5pm, my health portal confirmed my benefits were restored. I went to the pharmacy after their lunch, but the system hadn't fully updated my health insurance yet, so they couldn't process it. I did a fun little kid tantrum scream flail dance, cried in my car, went home, had a panic attack, and packed for tour anyway. My roommate did make me tacos and his situationship gave me a Reeses cup though so maybe I did come out on top after everything?
At 10pm that night, my bass player texted that the van had broken down. We'd have to delay tour a day. That turned into two days, then more. Silver lining: I could finally get my prescription. Downside: I was counting on the first four gigs to make rent.
The van has been in the shop since last Thursday, and I still haven't left. Every lead I've reached out to about lessons, sessions, or fill-in work (I'm offering reduced rates for advance payment)) has either not responded or said no. My landlord is frustrated (but understandingish since I'm always on time with rent) because it's now the 9th and I've only paid 810 of my $1150 rent. My bandwidth and nerves are so fried that this morning I woke up, opened my laptop to get back to work trying to scrounge money, and instead just stared at the screen and straight up zoned out for 45 minutes which only ended because my ultradian task timer went off.
