Spiritual pain/trauma manifesting

[Wannabewizard]

This is a tough one to do, but I have a clear picture of the inner world and surfacing trauma, no matter how improbable.

There is something really whacked out in me casing pain in my side. It is a tension in the body and locked in to a trauma triangle from past experiences. It is a negative presence that feeds off the negative memories and emotions, forming a persistent PTSD cycle. It is keeping the trauma going long after it would be expected to have been processed. I need a way to stop each part of the trauma triangle at once to remove it.
This seems to be way above my level. There would have once been a time when I would have expected to receive a hands on prayer for this, I think it will take a team effort to remove several smaller problems at once. It seems a strongly simultaneous spiritual/emotional/trauma problem

It lets of after a while, but persists. I can sort of pray it away, but the inertia required is like moving a boulder. I strongly believe it's the presence that has been jamming my meditation by forcing a dissociation.
It's linked with mockery and shaming, like it's intelligent.
I would begin a meditation and I am being actively kicked out by an internal voice wearing the mask saying stuff like:

I will never heal,
Your sitting there with your eyes closed, your not really meditating ect

It's like I have two heatbeats, one is regulated, the other disgegulated.
Strangle hold on thoat and other odd sensations.

Being kicked out of equilibrium in grounding and centering
Being anxious about mediation (a contradiction ) and weather I can or cannot because it helps with sleep quality.
I know most would say it's 'mental' health, but there is more to it.
I am learning about psyche divisions, I have got to know who 'my' voices are better.

Seen it in dreams as a black slug parasite wearing a mask of the inner child. It's 'wearing' the trauma.
This does not seem to be a regular shadow work job.
A lot of amnesia induction.
Vibration and internal crawling sensation, sharp/achy pain I thought was kidney stones. Kidney stones don't usually move around to other locations either.

Perhaps it is not important how it all came into being anymore, I know what happened, very complex but working through it.

I have had previous experience of external shards with similar effect feeding on pain, which made it hurt less, but is exhausting. That kept the pain being drained which prevented me from experiencing it, I must be able to feel to recover.

I am aware of the potential for an unhealed shadow part that may be rogue to be trouble, presenting as 'demonic', it certainly might be a factor, but I am suspicious that something else is at work here keeping the wounds open.

I about being as positive with spiritual hygiene as anyone can be with excruciating primal wounds, no drinking, but pain and sleep meds. Putting in the effort so to speak, breaking down the illusion/maya. I have a growing number of books that address the issues, but something has to happen right now. All the other physical conditions are compounded in some way to this. I can see what is going on but it's damned hard to say.

Other situational problems are stacking up, as I cannot cope with other tasks with this happening.
Afraid I am going to get pushed over the edge/into psychosis again though no fault of my own.
I don't know what approach I could do on my own given the complexity.
I may need to present this to a pro (competent healer) somewhere to see if they can help. Have had nasty and damaging experiences elsewhere. Are there any trustworthy and moral souls available here or some that can be reccomended?

 

[Dascent]

Change perspective.
First of all, there is a misunderstanding when it comes to one's spirit.
The spirit is a fragment from the soul, the energy which animates the physical body so there is no pain and trauma there.
There are experiences, there are challenges, there are lessons but no pain, no trauma, those are reserved only for the human aspect namely, Ego.
"Dark night of the Soul" is in fact the "Dark night of the Ego".
The soul is immortal, can't be traumatized, scattered or in pain for that matter.
The experience is quite real and tangible but not the soul is the one who suffers but the personality.
Because you are the creator of your own reality you've done exactly that, in a less conscious way, you have created an energetic system to process specific energies and informations with this amazing trait of feedback, we call that "coping mechanism" in psychology .

There's a conflict within because you are sensitive enough and centered enough to sense that some beliefs generate within you energies (thoughts, ideas, emotions and other types of manifestations) which don't fully align with your "true" self with your natural state, your soul.
It is nothing you should be afraid off, nothing to reject, nothing to invalidate because all these are aspects of self which are not aligned.

PTSD within new age spirituality is defined as "transgenerational trauma" -- basically there are lessons or challenges you decided to retry and convert into wisdom, experience, opportunities for the soul to growth and consciousness to expand.

If you are able to redefine your experience and see it from another (higher, more self-empowering) perspective you will notice how much power you have and in the same context you have the opportunity to do a bit of shadow work and see what are the beliefs which keep you so powerless.
There is old knowledge which generated old experiences which in return created behavioral patterns which are no longer serve you... and that's old energy you experience and label as negative.

When I channel some information I tend to type a lot and english is not my native language therefore I will keep some info for myself.
I would suggest you to give yourself more credit, do celebrate all the small successes, allow yourself to show your "dark corners" because they are there with a reason... if I am to mention this idea : "all what darkness does is to serve the Light" -- would you be able to understand its meaning?
Nothing else can exist within you other than multiple aspects of yourself. You are the one projecting your own universe
Some scientists got it wrong, we are not a single "personality" so to speak but a multidimensional multi personality entity.
If I am to open the additional info about this people will get bored... distilled version as example:
At home with a loved one we behave in a familiar way, at job in another way (we adopt/activate a different personality), on vacation we behave differently based on different aspects like environment, mood, familiarity...so on.
Same goes with all the "darkness" which resides within... another aspect of ourselves using our own library to convey a message, to interact and show us what is not aligned with our true core.
When you decide to use that as an opportunity for self-discovery and "healing" (realigning) and not dismiss and label the experience as a negative, then the entire lesson will serve you as experience and knowledge rather than discontent, rejection, invalidation.

This is my suggestion for you...
Lighten up on yourself, you are on your own path already (the fact that your inner compas is working perfectly is a strong indicator).
It's true from time to time you challenge and test yourself... also TRUST yourself more, be more confident, because there are not many around you to give you feedback, not in a conscious way anyway....
Peace

 

[IllusiveOwl]

I went through a very lengthy and disorienting stage like this in getting past my traumas, eventually bringing me to my Dark Night of the Soul experience. It is all long behind me now and it was a catalyst for proper rebirth, hopefully it may be the same for you, few are blessed with their second birth in this Era.

You're lost in a forest, running from sounds and towards perceived trails, but the samsaric woods is more entrapping than the Blair Witch forest. As long as you play its game, you will be mired in it.

It isn't "technically" a diagnosis, but I had a few professionals slap me with CPTSD, and none of the medications or therapies did shit, I craved death powerfully, daily, for more than a year. The only thing that helped was a proper shift in perspective from the lie of duality into the peace of unity.

It sounds like you're really in it, like your hair is on fire and you're frantic to put it out. There are teachings that can act as buckets of water, I can recommend a few books if you care to hear. At this stage, I wouldn't suggest any practices until you're stabized.

 

[Wannabewizard]

Thank you both. The channeling is accurate and I thought English was easily your first language.
It is the causes and complexity that made it difficult to get anywhere. Needed a point of reference like I had just been born.
Some of it is implanted from parents and it totally opposes any occultist healing work, noisy voices from the generations.

I have been sent a link that covers multiple healing aspects at once as they do overlap. Many at once in a swarm is far more difficult that one giant obstacle. A good deal of this is needing a daily personal assistant for mundane tasks and there has been none, but with a magical/shadow recovery it must be possible to boost support.
A healed heart = healed finances. I can see a lot of money in the future that goes way beyond my personal needs and this experience is going towards establishing that to assist others. The culture itself practically forbids healing but I don't subscribe to the doom of bigpharma. We have the wisdom to heal each other.

Please do recommend the books.
It has taken about two years to be able to make coherent posts for help. I think a lot of it had to do with growing up very fast after missed developing stages, too much to keep track off. Before I could get it down it had changed. Boy to man in ten years after lifetime of delays.
I have a noticed a lot of time shift events where time is highly elastic or compressed and many other phenomena like Mandala effect.
Now is defiantly right to get this done and get the mundane together.
Going to need miracle money and miracle friends. I have a vision to set up someplace where work can be done together.
How to beat the fear of people with navigating ASD?

 

[Konsciencia]

Yeah, for me it seems like I am transitioning out of my Dark Night of The Soul. However, I am going through some least challenges.

 

[Asteriskos]

Realize it's NEVER a Bad Idea to Consider Professional Help!

There's Plenty here on WF to "Help You Help Yourself", sounds like you NEED BOTH of These!
But, YOU'VE Got to Do the Work! Yes, it takes Discipline, Drive and Guts!

Best Advice is:

First on the list: It's CRUCIAL for You to be GROUNDED, CENTERED, and SHIELDED!

Basic Banishing Rite - Sphere Of Hekas (LBRP alternative)

It doesn't sound like you have a "Preferred" rite of this type, if you Do, USE IT!
Do this at Least Once per Day,
This is so BASIC and UNDERRATED as to Boggle the Mind! This is Magical WORK!

Next on the list is something that will help you: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!

Reclaiming Rite (for recovering scattered power) by Aidan Wachter

Do the Reclaiming Rite for at Least one Lunar Month (My suggestion). It's well annotated!

If these recommendations prove too difficult for your current state or skill set, seek some Professional Help ASAP!

 

[Wannabewizard]

Wow thanks! These are both great! Exactly what I was looking for. It's the kind of thing I don't know how to ask for but can see it will work.
I did actually do the LBRP in the beginning for a year, and it really unclogged some crap, serious heavy stuff. It tied in with my dreams about portals opening in me and demonic occupants (witnessed house fly's fly out of a portal over my chest), got a large contact of cool wind blowing from Urial, beginning to manifest. When I am connected I have done amazing things, it's is my goal to be together.
Was slightly concerned about some of the deity names in the LBRP for historical reasons and did get rushed at buy something odd that one time, but I put that down to fake entities getting attracted.
I have since read that the LBRP can be used for anything like Damion Echols did getting out of prison by binding that corrupt official.

I blessed to find a great crew on here.
I have made Bast my lady mother and are drawing close.
Confidence is very important, it's worth fighting for.
I'm getting ready to level up!