My joke thread

8Lou1 said:

yazata youre not a youngster

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Wat?!

Here's a dry joe:

There were two big cats in the jungle. One was standing, the other was lion.

Amur said:

Ok had never heard that. Always had a feeling that Native Americans didn't have corruption which was what the joke was based upon. Well that kinda emptied the joke

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Sorry! Seriously---I thought you meant today, when they've been laden with all the curses civilization's blessings can bring on. Traditional NatAm society was rather fraught with vices. (This brings to mind the essay contest Rousseau wrote "The Social Contract" for. The proposed theme was whether or not the arts and sciences had improved or corrupted man.)

On the other hand, one spots sign of corruption among the Aztecs. Dissatisfaction with their high-handed (read cruel) rule inspired the Tlascalan revolt that the Spaniards rode all the way to Mexico City.

Xenophon said:

Sorry! Seriously---I thought you meant today, when they've been laden with all the curses civilization's blessings can bring on. Traditional NatAm society was rather fraught with vices. (This brings to mind the essay contest Rousseau wrote "The Social Contract" for. The proposed theme was whether or not the arts and sciences had improved or corrupted man.)

On the other hand, one spots sign of corruption among the Aztecs. Dissatisfaction with their high-handed (read cruel) rule inspired the Tlascalan revolt that the Spaniards rode all the way to Mexico City.

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Then there was the Wilde-wannabee who declared he could make a pun on any subject. Someone shouted, "Her Majesty, the Queen!" He looked down his nose and sneered, "Fool! Her Majesty the Queen is not a subject!"

Meantime, in another wing of the Palace, James Whistler burst into a secluded library only to find Oscar Wilde amorously tussling with the Prince of Wale's serving-boy. Whistler panted, "Wilde, another fellow is usurping your exalted position as humorist. You'll have to turn over a new leaf!" Not missing a beat, Wilde huffed, "Anon, anon. Just as soon I've gotten to the bottom of this page."

Xenophon said:

Sorry! Seriously---I thought you meant today, when they've been laden with all the curses civilization's blessings can bring on. Traditional NatAm society was rather fraught with vices. (This brings to mind the essay contest Rousseau wrote "The Social Contract" for. The proposed theme was whether or not the arts and sciences had improved or corrupted man.)

On the other hand, one spots sign of corruption among the Aztecs. Dissatisfaction with their high-handed (read cruel) rule inspired the Tlascalan revolt that the Spaniards rode all the way to Mexico City.

Post automatically merged: Jun 1, 2024

Then there was the Wilde-wannabee who declared he could make a pun on any subject. Someone shouted, "Her Majesty, the Queen!" He looked down his nose and sneered, "Fool! Her Majesty the Queen is not a subject!"

Meantime, in another wing of the Palace, James Whistler burst into a secluded library only to find Oscar Wilde amorously tussling with the Prince of Wale's serving-boy. Whistler panted, "Wilde, another fellow is usurping your exalted position as humorist. You'll have to turn over a new leaf!" Not missing a beat, Wilde huffed, "Anon, anon. Just as soon I've gotten to the bottom of this page."

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Sorry. Above I meant to write "Traditional NatAm civilizations were not much fraught with vices."

"The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they are not a robot."

Amur said:

"The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they are not a robot."

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...and that computers have started producing art, leaving humans free to calculate spreadsheets...

Amur said:

"The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they are not a robot."

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Hmmmm ..... I am going to ask AI to prove it isn't human

Xenophon said:

Is this some kind of joke that white men don't get? I even said it out loud.

Post automatically merged: May 28, 2024

Maybe we could try collective joke writing. Each reader contribute a line...

LINE 1: "A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar..."

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The Imam walks out and the other two get a drink ;

Rabbi to Priest ; '' So ... how is this 'Priest caper' going for you ? ''

Priest ; '' 'Caper ? ! ' Why do you always try to rile me up ? Things are going very well for me thank you ! I like being a Priest . ''

R ; '' Good, good ... great ! But tell me , is their room in your calling for advancement or promotion ? ''

P ; '' Promotion ? Well, I suppose one day I could become a Bishop . ''

R ; '' Oh , a Bishop ! And then what ? ''

P ; '' After that is a Cardinal , if I became a Bishop I could become a Cardinal .... eventually . ''

R ; '' Oh ? Eventually ? ... and then what ?''

P ; Well, if I did become a Cardinal and I ended up in Rome , I suppose it is not impossible, if all that happened that one day I could , theoretically, become elected Pope .''

R ; '' Ooooo ... theoretically - Pope eh ? And then what ? ''

P ; '' Look ! What is it with you ? You are always trying to annoy me or make some smart comment ! Whats with all the 'Ooooooos ' and 'ohhhs' and constant 'and then what's .... there is no 'and then what' after Pope ... what do you want from me ? What , you expect me to become Jesus Christ himself ? ''

R ; '' Well ...... one of our guys did it . ''

Which witch?

What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future? Witchful thinking.

What do you call a witch that lives in the desert? A sand-witch.

Why was the illiterate witch kicked out of her coven? It was because she couldn't spell.

Why don't wizards make their witches mad? They'll give them a cold spell.

AlfrunGrima said:

What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future? Witchful thinking.

What do you call a witch that lives in the desert? A sand-witch.

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... and that is why you will not starve in the desert .....

because of all the sand which is there

Here is an image of my Guardian Angel ;

I'm convinced that knitting is witch's black magic....

My wife does that stuff.... she sits there, with 2 magic wands, performing complex movements while chanting and cursing, looking at a spell book.

And then, poof...blanket!

Witchcraft!

A joke from my (now ex , but still good friend ) boss .... he is Iranian so you have to imagine this joke in the accent ;

A new migrant in Australia from the Middle - east rushes into a shop ;

'' Quick, sell me one potato clock ! ''

Shop assistant ; '' Excuse me Sir ? ... a potato clock ? What is that ?''

''I do not know , I am new in your country and my English is not good .... my Boss tell me buy one , or I get the sack ! I dont want to loose my job... please sell me one potato clock ! ''

'' Hang on, slow down ... he has probably sent you to buy something for work and you misunderstood him . tell me exactly what he said and what was happening when he said it . ''

''Okay , very good ... My name is Massoud , I come to your country , very good ... I like . I am lucky , get job straight away , just down the street from my new apartment. I think, maybe 5 minutes walk away . The first day , yesterday I start work 9 am . So I get up 8 ; 30 am , plenty of time so I have breakfast , shower, and I want to make good impression on first day , so trim beard , do hair nice, iron best clothes ... but I take too long and I get to work 15 minutes too late ! Boss angry with me , he asks why I late first day , So I tell him what I just told you and then he say to me 'Massoud ! Not good enough ... you want to keep this job ? Then ... you better get up at 8 o'clock . ''

The Minister was thundering away in his Pulpit , he thumps the Bible ; '' And I say to you, unless you forgive your enemies , you are as bad as them ! Yes, ... even your enemies , to enter heaven, make sure you have forgiven your enemies ! ''

Frail voice from the rear of the congregation ; '' But .... I ain't got no enemies .''

Minister ; '' What is that .... who is that up the back there ? Ohhhh , Mrs Johnson . What is that you say Mrs Johnson , stand up, it's alright .''

'' I said .... I ain't got any enemies .''

Minister ; '' Not a one ? ''

'' Nope ! Not a single one .''

Minister ; '' Brethren, this is remarkable . Mrs Johnson, 96 years old , can stand here in front of you and God and honestly say she has not an enemy in the world . It is indeed something to emulate . Mrs. Johnson , could you please come up the front and stand beside me and tell our congregation how you achieved this remarkable state of grace .''

Mrs Johnson slowly walks to the front and takes her place beside the Minister .

Minister ; '' Well .... ? ''

Mrs Johnson ; '' Well what ?''

Minister ; '' You were going to tell us how you managed to get to 96 years old and not have an enemy in the world . ''

Mrs Johnson ; '' Oh that ! That's because all them bitches is dead now . ''