Journal My magical path so far. The significance of number 3 and much, much more.

[Umi0]

So I've had this strange occurrence with number 3 coming into my life many, many times. At some point I thought, this has to have some significance, so I studied it. As always, the knowledge did not come immediately, but after long bouts of studying, experimenting, meditating, in a flash the knowledge came by itself.

So i shall distill my findings in this and some sigils I've made myself. I found the knowledge to be mostly safe, but I shall make warnings where need be.

I will begin by saying a few things about my knowledge in magic and where my gnosis comes from most. I've studied many paths, but the most extensive one with the most practice would be the middle path of absorption, the eastern path, the one of the Tao. I've always been a hands down approach person, so my study has been done best by practice, by meditating lots and lots.

I've kind of invented my own meditation, well, not really, it's a modification of eastern meditation after studying the path and it is still continuously evolving. I found, even as I practice it, it's always different but has common points.

So without further talking your ear out. Let me distill that information for you. The meditation I practice, how I do it, where it lead me to, some warnings and potential pitfalls and a bit of encouragement for you, that surely your hard work will pay off eventually in unexpected ways.

1. How I do the meditation: The meditation I practice is a form of unity of the senses. I focus my awareness and spread it all around the body to every single part, teeth, bones, flesh, all of it, breath, everything. The breath, heartbeat, but especially the breath is the central point, the eye of the storm, I focus on it and unite it with the awareness of the body to breathe with my entire body. I do it again and again and again, it feels me up with energy, sometimes so much so I can't sleep and after a good night of sleep I get insights out of nowhere into knowledge I am seeking. This obviously happens gradually. But this is hard, really hard at first, so you could focus on a part of the body a lot, focus your awareness on that point, like the middle of your palm and feel as it slowly heats up.
So to sum it up.

• Focus on all your senses, spread your awareness through your body. Don't be fooled, this awareness is energy itself, fire.
• Connect the awareness to the breath and unite the breath with the body, breathing with all your being.
• Repeat lots of times. Your head will feel a big pressure.
• To alleviate the pressure, think of how your awareness rests naturally and connect that too, to the body, this will alleviate all pressures, but it took me really really long to find this.
• How I found it, I rested my awareness in the void of the mind, that feeling of resting of awareness when you are about to sleep and I started to suck in air from it and breathe it in, this connected to the brain and made me feel like I am breathing with the brain.

2. Some more info from my gnosis and warnings
Info of gnosis:
- Awareness is fire, In and out breath combined is lightning, The body on which the awareness rests on is earth.

- The body(all the body except the head) is far more responding to the out breath of yang while the mind and brain is far more responding to the in breath of yin,

- Yin is cold and gathering but it is the greater concentrated fire of life, Yang is hot and dispersing and it's the harbinger of death and destruction, when they both meet together in the middle, they give birth to lightning and more.

- The number 3 is representing this trinity of opposites that attract and create something new. There would be no universe, there would be nothing if opposites cancelled each other out. Oh no, each opposite meeting gives birth to something new even if the opposites are the same. This meditation too, will always give birth to new information and insight.

- I found that all is light, even shadows and darkness, but it's all a matter of perspective. When you are high up somewhere in deep light when you gaze underneath you see only darkness and shadows, but move on higher and gaze at where you were before and you will see the same, only darkness and shadows.

- All is rising, at different paces, every fall is a preparation for a greater rise, a setting of roots to rise up higher. Your being is infinite, changing, yet holds within itself that same number 3 that rests within each and every cell of your body.

- So what will this meditation do, it will rise you up all the more faster. I experimented with it in the astral and dream side and my body kept on rising higher and higher with it. The weird part about it, well, now my body has an intelligence of it's own, it moves and flies by itself in dreams while I take a more laid back strategic approach or simply just enjoy the scenery. I keep on having dreams of possessing other people's bodies of finding myself randomly in all kinds of bodies, another side effect of the meditation, but after I wake up I have better understanding of both myself and other people.

- This meditation, ultimately, it is to sharpen the sword of your mind and temper it. The secret of the mind is that it holds everything no matter how small but it separates it from you and what you don't need is cast into the water of the subconscious underneath, or as I like to call it, the shadow conscious which is both your greatest ally but also your greatest challenge to overcome.

Some advice:
- Time, the great wisdom of time is to move forward and use the past as building blocks for a better tomorrow. While, ultimately it is a construct, fake, but it holds great wisdom, embrace that wisdom. There is deep wisdom in this forceful suction of time. If you seek for something, don't seek it down among the swine like you used to be, don't cast your pearls before them, let them eat the crumbs of your excrement as you sit high up and continue to seek greater heights and move forward into the future, into greater light, find ways to rise up better, faster, more stably and overcome. You won't ever find what you seek for into the past, into the shadows and dark, because it's not there, you rised up from there for a reason, the novelty of the future will provide it so be calm, steady, believe, all is rising still, creation keeps on creating, number 3 reigns supreme and will always do. Don't fear the fall, you are falling simply to solidify your foundations, it is necessary, but you will rise up from it even higher.

- Following the wisdom of time, some of you may think of growing in power for vengeance. I tell you, vengeance truly is a big stupidity, I was stupid too. To make yourself fall to a swine's level to teach them a lesson will do far less for you than simply using that swine from afar and practicing your own methods of rising.

- Cast down and burn what chains you down, cast down and burn what stops you from rising. Ever had a person in your life that keeps taking energy from you? Think you can support their consumption? I know I did... Well, don't do it, my advice, cut from the root all that keeps you down. If you love someone, sure, go to the shadows, save them, build up together, pure love is truly the most precious thing in the entire worlds. But pure love can only be formed when 2 people accept each other's true hearts. But my advice, if someone denies you 3 times when you come to them with a good heart offering them friendship, offering them assistance and they find you disgusting or whatever...then cut all ties with them, burn all bonds, leave nothing behind but a single black list on which you put a part of that person's soul so that if they ever come, to be shut down from you like a ghost among the living. Dream realms that serve you no more purpose, cut them down, people of the past, shadows echoing asking you to return, cut them down, they are swing who ask you to go into the mud with them, I fell for it many times and the swine turned and devoured my light, spread it among them and I had to build it up back again and the worse part of it, what I truly regret is not the light they took, but the way they treasured that light, to give a spoiler, they didn't treasure it one bit.

- Following on what I said above, as a little parable, If you are a farmer and love plants, don't give up your plant to someone who won't treasure it, they will but let it die and trample it underfoot and it will never bear fruit. But... we have all been swine at one point or another, the point I am trying to make is not to hate them with burning passion and kill them all, but let them be and focus your light where you know it will bear fruit, to study the swine I used to be as well so that I don't fall down and become the same thing.

- Magic, is like a seedling of faith that grows into a large tree, but faith by itself is not enough, you must keep practicing your path, water the tree, give it food, but once it is established and gives fruit, you will find your efforts worth it and more. That is why, love for what you practice is absolutely necessary. None can hold on a path for long enough without love and a long path is also very lonely, when the loneliness gets too much, take some time off, wait for the fruit to fall, it will fall and you will rejoice and take care of your tree with even more fervor and love.

- But a little warning about love, above all, you must love yourself the most, never put any tree above you. I once created a tulpa entity in deep trauma. I loved her so dearly I put her above me, she was like a Mother to me. I fiercely practiced for her benefit because I deeply believed, like a mother she will lift me up and love me just as much as I do. My love for her was like a burning fire, sincere, born of my greatest desires to be loved back too. But I put her above me and from where she looked up high, she told me I am not trying hard enough, I am not enough, go water me little slave basically. I tell you, I was in pains almost every day trying to fix my life all I needed was her fruit of love, she did not want to give it. I know, love is free, you can't force someone to love you. If you can't give me love, then at least help me out with my life, give too from what you received... she choose to simply throw me in a deep ocean whenever I came to her to ask for help as a gesture of, you are filthy. I felt deeply betrayed. Look at Jesus's tale, he came down to sacrifice everything for love and they all spit in his face, took his purple robe and cast lots for it and betrayed him. Learn from the God of the bible, he isn't stupid at all. Your trees where you put love on them, you must stand on them like a throne and rise above them always. Never, never put them above you, if they can't offer you love, so be it, but then you shall still reap the rewards of your struggles. You dearly love them, they have your guarantee of love, but if they rise above you, you don't have their guarantee of love, truly you have no guarantee, no, I truly tell you, never let then above you, you are simply awaiting the day when you will be betrayed and to be betrayed by someone, something you bled on from your heart and cried on to nourish, that, that is the deepest, deepest, deepest pain. You will rise above it and learn, but take my word to heart so you don't end up like me and go through that horrible thing.

For that is the true will of my heart, to find myself in a world of friends among friends where we all faithfully help each other rise up, we all purely love each other and mean us good with a good will. These words are but some seed spread around. And this writing is a piece of my heart to you, some of my wisdom. If you find it harmful, discard it, sleep it out, kill it, never return here again, we are just not compatible, that's fine, separation is necessary.

Warnings:
- If you do the meditation lots, you will find yourself literally dry up, so drink lots of water ok, but this is only if you do it really intensely.

- Your heart rate will also go up, so make sure you have a healthy heart and if you feel pain in the chest, gently stop.

- This is a big warning and on this I emphasize, if you feel lots of head pressure and continue like the madman that I am to the point you feel like your head splits...
and it feels like a black hole, prepare for trouble and lots of schizophrenia. You will get out, but it won't be pretty, I know I did.

- So take care, use caution and try to not just focus on the body itself, but also the empty space of your mind when your awareness rests normally, if you unite both
these types of awareness and breathe in with the mind, you will never experience head pressures again, I know I am not anymore.

- Prepare for bouts of information that will cause harm or seek to challenge you or make you fall. Don't worry, this is the quest for information, truth, it's always ridden with misunderstandings, contradictory statements and confusion and madness. Don't hesitate to take some time off to let it all cool down and settle in your mind, I still do it. Don't fear madness, embrace it, all is pure madness. The mind grows through madness, but it may cause indigestion, so take some time off if it's too much. The wonder of the mind is that no matter how much you cram in it, it can always take more, but it can be a double edged sword.

Some more insights from my personal experience:
- When I concentrate on the root of the spine, the beginning, I dream of bugs, lots and lots of bugs, my dreams are filled with bugs mating. As a symbol I see it as surviving, as procreation, the opposites meeting to create something new. Now this is why I stopped following the normal meditation of focusing on your root and only your root charkra and breathe in it the breath of life - death, breath of creation, you literally create an overabundance there. Your body is naturally balanced, but when you do that, you unbalance a part of you, this is why for me it culminates in lots of dreams with bugs mating. I tried it, it gave the same result every time. Honestly, I find them disgusting, I respect them, but I am no bug anymore. So it's better, in my opinion if you do the all body focus and raise up the already balanced part, just like heaven the circle is a symbol of balancing it all, this is the path to the stable rise.

And finally, some sigils I put work into after a moment of personal revelation. I don't know what they will mean to you. But I will provide some explanations here and there about each symbol and how they slowly build each other our to become what they are, from simplicity to the more hard. The software I used to draw those sigils is called FreeCad, CAD stands for computer aided design, basically a software for building up mechanical parts and assemblies for the larger industries out there and for factories.

So, I call this the sigil of summer. I call it the sigil of the summer because in here, the child mother, father are united in greates proximity and closure, the warmest time.

The star of david, the human is formed in the middle between heaven and earth's unity. The star is 2 triangles, one pointing upward, one pointing downward. The upward triangle is corresponding to fire, the downard triangle is corresponding to water. Their unity forms the human soul, unbreakable.

The heaven, the father's body holds many stars on the sky, stars of fire in which star alchemy is done and greater rising happenes, all quite straighforward.

The earth, the mother, I represented as a hexagon, as a symbold of great stability and because if you unite all the point of the star of david you get a hexagon, the 2 crosses are like symbols of sacrifice where the eyes of the the greater givers of life are, the fire active eye on the left, the giver, and the passive water eye on the right, the receiver, which are always watching on the child, balancing it out represented by the upward triangle below and downward triangle above.

I call this the sigil of spring, the moment the child is born and can slowly stand by itself as it slowly separates from the parents. Both parents are now smaller, while the child is greater, but they still stand side by side in unity. The symbols are mostly like in summer. But now the child has a formation of an eye at it's center, the moment awareness.

The sigil of winter. The moment the child mattures and encompasses in itself all the elements.

In here, things change a bit, but not much. I will start from below. The mother takes a lower point, her eyes have evolved and she sees the child's heart. Within her that moment of summer is always preserved in the middle. The other triangles are simple balancing forces as she keeps on supporting her child from afar.

The middle is now a star formed of an upward triangle, downward triangle, lefward triangle anr rigthward triangle, forming a 12 pointed star containing all the elements, the heart of connection.

And the above is the father who has become a mother, the stars in the sky are gone as the moment of death is close, but the number 3 is preserved, smaller, the great rising will come once more.

One thing, I wanted to put in the 12 pointed start in the middle, in it's center the summer as well, but the program was already lagging hard enough and not allowing me so I left it as a note here.

The mind - heaven
The heart - human
The root - earth

And all 3 contain one another in themselves to reach number 9. While the totality and unity of all that, the number 10, the self, contains them all.

I will end it here, I swear... yeah, I know, I can be quite a loud mouth. Believe me, I am very silent usually, but my mind is always very very loud. All that mediation made it louder and more vibrant, but I like it as it is more and more.

So, here is the ending of this path of words. I hope it helps you on your magical journey, it helps you rise up better and find that which quenches your heart's desires. Well... your heart will never be truly quenched, it's a bottomless pit of desires, but you will learn to treasure it one day and find that, when it gives blood to the entire body, it does so out of deep love and desires are not something bad, but something to be cherished for they are like a compass that points in the direction of greater love. Sometimes, it will feel faulty and make you fall, but when you rise again, you will do so in more love.

The mind is a but a structured painting of swirling colors and sounds of all the raw emotions in the heart.

And the root is but the simplest beginning, eternal unyielding of a number 3.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Umi0]

Following the said above, I feel it necessary to provide a summary below for those who like less reading... sorry, I am usually silent, but within my mind there is always so much more I could have said.

Plus a few more practical guides with some experimenting I did while practicing meditation and the the results I've achieved with it.

Some forewarnings. If you have heart problems especially hypertension, if you are prone to head vascular accidents, don't do the below, please. I found the meditation quickens heart rate, sometimes quite a lot if done too intensely and the head pressure is blood going to the head to support all the intense mental activity, but like physical exercise it has an overal positive outcome, otherwise I would not put this here.

So to start first.

0. What are the advantages of doing all this?
Awareness is fire, if you bathe your body in awareness, like a plant that you are taking care of by bathing it in sunlight, it will grow.

The benefits I found, are quite small, but significant for me. Ever since I started practicing I feel more energetic, my body feels more pleasant and have this electric feelings like goosebumps, extremely pleasant, filled with emotion at times as if my body has an orgasm. All people have these from time to time, but the meditation will amplify it, it will amplify it lots.

I used to be quite the angry person, but now, I find myself more calm, in control of my emotions, although not perfectly. I also feel filled with love, I feel charged up and ready to give.

I've always liked cultivation xianxia chinese stories and they have some small truth to them. Your body can be cultivated, not a lot to gain mega super powers immediately, but, slowly, softly, gradually making a difference.

While not as efficient and quick as vampirism or more predatory types of energy taking and storing, the advantage to this is that you don't have to worry where your energy comes from, only that it comes by the 3 principle. It is slow, gradual, but it leaves not an imprint or debts to pay or too many enemies so you can more calmly focus on your own thing and research in peace, I've also found that it makes your presence softer, less noticeable, kind of lonely at times... but oh well. This is my style, I like to be self reliant and generate my own stuff even if it's less efficient, it's not for everyone, so wanted to put this out. But it's a kind gentle style, I don't like to steal or take away from others, but make my own, be my own garden, at first I can barely support myself, but after a while I can support both myself and others. It's a hard way, sometimes boring, sometimes lonely, but it pays off.

1. Building up your foundation in meditation.

So what is the purpose?
The purpose of the foundation level is to build up your awareness and understanding of it as I believe the foundation of meditation is exactly this elusive sticky malleable awareness.

So, what is awareness?
Awareness is simple at it's core, it is focus and consciousness. When you focus on one part of your body or your breath for example, it comes into awareness and is nourished by awareness. That focus is energy, it's fire, your observation itself carries energy with it and nourishes.

How to build up your awareness?
To build it up, like everything, you need to use it, use it more, find ways to use it in harder ways. The process is the same as building muscle, once your awareness grows, you need to add bigger weights, spread it more thinly around the body and focus and make it more thick. Start small, focus on one part of your body. You don't need to look at it, but looking helps. Look at one of your fingers, focus on the tip of it, on the feeling it exudes, be in the finger with your mind and focus, the feeling will amplify and it will even tingle slightly, that's it, that's awareness, at first it will be hard to notice, but don't worry, that doesn't mean you do not have awareness.

What to do when awareness is too build up?
If you focus too much when you awareness is really build up and strong on only one part of your body, it will feel so hot it becomes painful. My advice, spread it thin around you, rather than a raging concentrated fire that hurts, spread it and let it warm everything evenly.

The wonders of awareness?
The simple definition above is only the beginning. Awareness carries with it many wonders:

• It nourishes, it amplifies
• It connects
• It's elusive, when you are not concentrating it vanishes by itself
• Rather than traveling, it jumps.(it doesn't go on a path but simply jumps to where you concentrate on)
• It's sticky(It can carry emotion with it, breath, all kinds of things, I am still experimenting here)
• It is malleable, it can change it's properties(become emotion itself, I will clarify this further in some examples below.)

How to change awareness, to find out it's malleable property.
Do the same as the above, focus or the tip of your finger, or your palm, or whatever works best for you and now feel as if that awareness becomes breath. But to know what breath is, you need to concentrate on it. Concentrate on the feeling of breath, then try to shove it in your finger, as if it's center is not where it used to be, but in your finger now. You will very softly feel cold when you breathe in with it and warmth when you breathe out in it.

Awareness can become emotions too. Feel your awareness become the feeling of love and that love will go to where you will it.


2. Types of meditation

a. Charging up with the breath of lightning.
1. The first step.
After having build your awareness slowly, gradually, it's time to spread it around the body.
Spread your awareness all throughout your body and concentrate on all your senses. It is easier said than done, it requires experimenting yourself, sometimes you concentrate too much and the body feels heavy, bad. My advice, if it feels bad, then you are doing something wrong, your body is your feedback machine, listen to it's advice.

To describe it, try to be both gentle in how you spread your awareness, but also present, spread it thin(spread your awareness everywhere you can), but thick enough(concentrated enough it literally feels like it's there). You will find that if you focus too much, your head will be full of pressure. That pressure is natural, your mind is doing the lifting here lots but if the pressure builds up too much, for now, gently stop, try to endure, like in physical exercise, but don't overdo it.

The queue to stop all meditation for a while is if the head pressure persists for more than a few days, you get mind fever here, like muscle fever.

2. The second step.
Now focus your breath and feel as if your entire body is breathing in like a large nose and breathes out in itself. It will be very faint at first. For me, I found the out breath more noticeable every time. But if you persevere for a few minutes, doing the same boring thing, it will be more and more noticeable. It's not incredibly pleasant, but, it will charge you up and when you are ready to give your energy for something you love, your whole body will orgasm for it.


b. Cultivating pleasantness and positive emotions. (You can cultivate pain and negative ones too, the principle is the same, your choice, maybe you need it for something) This meditation is a bit more simple than the above and far more pleasant.
This meditation is easier done when you wake up after a good sleep, that is when your body is most easily noticeable pleasant.
1. The first step
Notice your body, focus you awareness on it, find where the pleasantness is most present, I will tell you, near the chest next to the heart, there is a fountain of pleasantness there. Notice that emotion, focus your awareness on it gently, become that emotion with awareness, watch as it slowly gets bigger and bigger and spreads around to your entire body. In this way, you nourish all your flesh in pleasantness, love.

2. The second step.
Slowly lose yourself in it, let yourself melt in it. Time will begin to pass by fast, minutes will pass by, hours. At some point your body will literally orgasm, release a wave of energy from the entire cells, like a pleasant goose bump.

3. Some more tips
If you combine this with in breath and breathe in the emotions, you make them smaller to the point of them 'vanishing', I like to call it winter storage though. With out breath, you make them stronger like fanning the flames, but they burn out. Combining like this, you will have a wave of faint pleasantness and strong pleasantness.

c. Calming emotions, losing emotions.(Now this is a weird more experimental one and I don't really recommend it, I happened upon this as I was experimenting with fusing awareness with yawning to stop my head pressures, it worked, but with side effects. It will dim your emotions to the point of making you lose them. Now why I don't recommend it, because they will come back stronger, overwhelming and if too strong, destructive, but I found this discovery fascinating so I will put it here as well.)
1. The first step
As always, spread your awareness all around your body.
2. The second step, you know the feeling of yawning, try to study it, then fuse awareness with yawning and spread it all around the body, everywhere and keep at it. Your emotions will dim and dim, you will become really, really calm, it also helps with head pressure.


c. Meditation in the void of the mind.
You know that feeling of being absentminded right before you go to sleep, before falling asleep. There is a space in there too.
1. The first step
Focus your awareness on that absentminded space, stretch it in it, put it as deep as you can, eventually it will connect to your brain and you will literally feel your brain.

2 The second step
Breathe in with that space and you will breathe in with the brain, breathe out and you will get head pressure, slight head pressure you can the suck in again with in breath. This, I found, is literally the way to stop all head pressures in meditation. Now I do both body and void meditation at the same time and never had head pressure ever again. But you will have some pressure when you calm down and try to fall asleep.


3. Theory after practice to help out practice.
- Awareness if fire, but don't be fooled, this fire can become anything on the scale of emotions. As for when the fire burns out, you will get water, or fire ash.

• In breath is Yin, cold, gathering, with the element of water.
• Out breath is Yang, hot, dispersing with the element of fire
• When the 2 meet together bu successive In breathing with the body and Out breathing with the body in the middle it forms wood, life, lightning.

• The most high, the metal, is for the mind, awareness, enlightenment, the mental body... although I say mental, they are all connected, this separation is for theory's sake, so that it makes more sense.
• The earth is for the physical body
• The fire is for the emotional body

-Now I will separate the body in lots of pieces, not true, think of it as abstract class pieces. My inspiration is the bagua (search it on the net, you will see)

• Metal, the most high, becomes the mental body of creativity where awareness comes from.
• Earth, the most low, is the ground, the receiver of the creativity, the physical body of flesh and bones.
• Fire, the 3 principle itself, the source of all energy and infinity.
• Wood, lightning, life, the emotional body
• Water, the abyssal gorge, the great storage where everything is kept and nothing lost and the gate to life.

Life's journey is from water, the beginning where the chaos inside the storage of water structures itself.
And the end is fire, where the life is lost, but also structured even more and it becomes a new stronger 3 principle. Now I wish it wasn't so painful, maybe one day we will overcome this too.

Picture above is from a game I player, amazing cultivation simulator. Really fun game.

Now, this doesn't mean the 5 element wheel is supreme, but as a philosophical tool to understand the principles of meditation and this magic here and simplify and structure it all, it does a wonderful job. Obviously chemistry does a much better job in today's world for transformations of substances and such and the elemental categorization is not necessary anymore, but it helps lots here, so why not use it.

Again, if you made it this far, thanks for reading and even if you don't wish to follow on this path, I hope this read helps you on your on magical path and provides some inspiration for it. I forgot to say this before, but if you practice the above and meet problems I haven't put thought into or did not encounter, give me a message in private, or here, I will try to help clarify the problem, help when I see the message.

And as an encouragement, don't be afraid to experiment with all kinds of new ways to change awareness I did not think of, that's how you learn best, not by reading, reading is almost empty without practice, in magic and most things in life.

Looking above, I said I would keep this short, but damn, did I make it way too long again. If I delete some parts, I won't be satisfied, so I will keep it as such. Thanks again.

 

[Umi0]

Of hope and despair.

Now this is not really a guide, more like some philosophical rambling of mine.

We all know there is good and evil, hope and despair and such and I have been intimately acquinted, especially with despair. This life has been a constant struggle with despair's invisible grasp so after overcoming some of them, I feel like imparting the wisdom I got from it all.

I would not have believed in this duality, have I not repeated the same mistakes over and over again, the same patterns, even though I acted mostly differently and changed for the better, like an invisible hand of despair that pushed me towards the same outcomes, same struggles, same betrayals at some point I woke up and it all felt so scripted I just felt like laughing in it's face and I do now.

The hand of despair is an invisible hand full of lies and deceit , it appears as the Devil in the bible, the adversary, believe what you will, but a force like that truly exists. Now I did not start saying all this to bring you into even deeper despair, no, on the contrary, I want to show you some of it's patterns so that you stop blaming yourself and others and walk the path of hope. Look into your life, I am sure like most of us you have a pattern of negative occurances that lead to deeper emotional scars even though you tried your best to steer off of it. That is the hand of despair's work at play. Now this doesn't mean you should give in, sit on your ass and let it play you or say you were innocent, it means to keep on fighting the good fight in your own way like all of us, seek connection, overcome.

In the true darkness of despair even the broken break, if you give in to it thinking it will let you off and you will die in peace... think again, deeply. I will tell you the answer, it won't. It never let me, even as I fell in madness in a world illusion that felt exactly like this one and came back by spinning in a circle while saying a mantra to myself over and over again while meditating with tears in my eyes. It was cold, deeply cold and painful in a world that kept on falling.

But, I did not tell you this to scare you, no, I rised up out of that, so can you, easier than me, why not, not fall at all on the wrong foot like I did.

Despair in here, for some, sings a powerful intense song of scars, loneliness and betrayal, it feels intimate, can't be denied like a throbbing pain that demands attention and you just can't take your eyes off of. With each day, it takes off more and more.

Hope on the other hand, sings a soft song, it's far, but pleasant, it's like a gentle wind that softly caresses your flesh, but follow that wind and one day you will find a fire of love and forgiveness that burns any remnants of scars left and glory.

The hand of hope is a hand that, no matter your perceived mistakes, it finds a way to turn those mistakes into power and redemption both for yourself and others. I had the hand of hope too work in my life, otherwise I would not be here.

I will end all this by saying, try your best to make works of hope, sure they won't be pefect, despair will find a way to hide within the words and the meanings and lure some back into the depths. Id you do works of despair, they will be greatly rewarded, for the moment.

Despair is like a master that takes you into a grand empty palace, puts you at a king's table with all the delicacies and lets you eat to your heart's content. After you eat, it tells you, go and sacrifice others. You do it, because it's not you, come back and eat, feeling a slight sense of unease, but the food is good, the rewards generous. But the next night, it tells you to sacrifice yourself and then beats you to death, ressurects you, beats you again and again and again. You ask for the same food now, but the palace is empty, the table not put, there is nothing to give. It puts a slave collar on you and tells you to go do works of despair more, but does not give like before, it tells you, you have a large debt to pay, but behold the interest on that debt can never be repayed.

The master of hope on the other hand, puts you at a small wooden table with some basic food. You break bread with your brothers and sisters, have a lovely talk and go work the fields, but the next day, you find just a few more crumbs of bread and some more brothers and sisters who cry joyfully for what they receive here and for having been fished from down there, forgetting and forgiven. The days go on by, some very mundane, some the same, but by the time you know it, the table is now large of iron and the food is plentiful with wide smiles everywhere and no debts to pay, but you have to keep on working the fields. At first the work is hard, boring, but in time even the work gets easier and you start to find enjoyment in it, find your own work you are good at, fulfillment from the work, brothers and sisters to assist in need.

Why does hope then, provide meager rewards compared to despair. Don't worry, it's not communism, it will reward those who work more and with purer hearts just a bit more. The essence lays in the heart of hope, it wants redemption to all, to save all, guide all, why would it give you deep raptures of pleasure when it can spread that pleasure to everyone and save just a few more lost souls, but it won't leave you to fall back in the depths of despair, of that you can be certain, it will teach you it's ways, but fish you out even faster.

As for the pleasures I described while doing the meditations above, temper your hearts, I might have said body orgasm, but now that I look back, those words are kind of deceiving. It is pleasant, like a gentle embrace, kind, purifying, tingling, it's so gentle and pleasantly spread I described it as too much, it's not overwhelming, but it has truly puryfying properties. After persevering, I feel myself clean up and see just one more hook of despair to take out, I can say my life turned out for the better after doing it and I became still, yet a better person, not perfect though, in this world there is none without sin. We do works of despair at times even unaware. I sadly, too have noticed those past patterns in me so I isolated for a long while to deal with my own garbage, but now that I am coming out slowly more in the open, don't think I am becoming some perfect budha god, I am still among you so I am still a sinner, even if less a sinner than yesterday.

The bible isn't a perfect book, but it has some big wisdom. From what I remember of the passage..."An impure spirit comes out of a person, goes through arid places(of despair) and finds no rest and then says to itself, I will go back to where I came from. When it comes back it sees the house swept clean, then it goes and gets seven other spirits even more unclean than itself and the state of that person is worse off."

That's kind of how it is for those who work with magic and sometimes dirty energies. Clean as much as you are, more dirty ones will come, but doing the good work of hope will never fail you or those around you, maybe some of those spirits will see your hard labor and start to be more civilized and clean after themselves just a bit more, freeing your hands for grander works of hope, in time things will truly get better and you will get an inner corner of paradise, a place of healing and rest. I do have mine now, just a bit bigger than yesterday, but it gives a great hopeful song for the day of tomorrow.

 

[Umi0]

So, I had a bit of an epiphany relating the meditation above and realized some things. One is, this meditation, like the eastern philosophy focuses on absorption of energies and using the balancing between opposite forces to try to reach an equilibrium and rise up with it. But, being here now, I realize, the past me was kind of wrong in the assumption that this is the path to true growth.

The problems I encountered, the madness I fell in back then and many more other concerning things that happened with each trying to breakthrough into meditation I stand here and realize, was that I forgot and overlooked one really simple principle. The principle of excretion. The principle of cleaning, of throwing out the unnecessary.

I will be honest with you, magic, as a path, it contains really dirty stuff. That is one of the reasons the world is moving increasingly away from it. I've had it many times when those energies overcame me and forced a change I was not ready for, or rather I was disgusted by and after a while readily cast all of it out and all the so called benefits from it.

The meditation above is very ambivalent, very, absorb, take both the good and the bad and move on. But that will only lead to more failure and more madness. Great highs and great lows and I can attest to it happening in my path.

So after having an epiphany, or a sort of enlightenment in my journey and the number 3 principle. I stand at this crossroad and realize my mistakes and impart this wisdom. After a kind of internal war within myself, here is where I stand now.

The father principle: Cut away all impurities and if they come back to demand vengeance and retribution cut them away and burn them. Rest your heart onto your blade and let it become a shield for others.
The mother principle: Leave a rope in stable place for the impurity you cut so that it may follow a well though path to reach a cleaner place and thank you for it, but don't ever be fooled by it and jump down to save it. It must save itself.
The child principle: Always look with wonder towards new heights, do not gaze into the abyss, for it will gaze back and dirty you. Gaze into the light of your dreams and passions, the good you multiplied and become blind to it.

And with that, some wisdom.
1. Absorbing less and cleaning more is much better than absorbing more and cleaning less.
2. Be radical, if you have a part of you that you deem evil, that makes you stumble, seek a way to cut it and never look back and if it comes back to demand pay, cut it and burn it in the rage it made you feel for the failures it caused you to stumble.
3. Put ladders for the ones down below, be the embodiment of the purity they must seek and proudly show the wings on your back, but I tell you, never, never jump to their rescue, the ladders, the rope you cast down, that is their salvation, if you jump they will tear you to pieces and scatter all your pearls and trample them underfoot, I know, because I did it.

I will tell you this, if you have pearls of great value and purity next to your heart and you happen to see a pearl down below, do not, do not jump down into the abyss to collect it. You will lose the pearls you collected as the pigs trample them underfoot and then they will tear you to pieces, pieces you have to do your best to collect back, do not betray your works of hope for they will never betray you. And anyway, you have no guarantee of saving that one pearl down there. No, the best thing you can do is to cast down a rope from stable place and guide it from afar to clean itself and join your side. Why do I call them pigs, because they don't know the value of cleaning, they eat their own excrement and grow, but that will only lead to their doom.

Your pearls, the works of hope you do, the faith, the love, the things you purify in the fire of your soul, those are your reliable wings, polish them well, clean them, make them luster, increase their value like never before, keep them in the depths of your heart under lock and key and as your wings grow with them, soar towards the heavens and take your rightful place. The bread of heaven and the water of heaven is always little, but very, very pure. It does not fall for you, no, it stays in it's rightful place waiting to be claimed and nourish you on your journeys and rightfully so. If you had a virgin pure girl, innocent and lovely, would you give her away to a den of criminals and rapists, or put her even higher on a pedestal and set countless trials so that when someone reaches her, he is the one.

My path is like a man that has climbed out of black water. He was filled with disgust by the water beneath and all the ambivalent atrocities happening there so he set on a journey. Above him a broad mountain that only gets steeper and narrower the more one climbs and even more above a pair of white shiny clouds covering the entirety of the sky giving light in this place of ever night. The man started to climb, climb, he stumbled, fell back, climbed back up, he found a cave, rested and deep within was bread and water, pure. He took it and his soul was nourished, on his back a pair of wings started growing, small, insignificant, unable to lift him up one bit. But he continued to climb. At some point he found a sword, he had no idea what to do with it, but as he touched it, he realized. He took the sword and stabbed himself, it felt pleasant and a black shadow fell from his being. The shadow cursed him and fell, but now, the man could climb up with much more ease. That shadow was a part of his being that kept him back, evil stored in his soul that kept him chained to the dark water beneath.

I tell you, do not integrate your shadow and accept his promises of power. Your shadow can only give you power over pigs, but behold his filth and poison of betrayal, behold the empty promises that hide a poisonous tongue, behold the venom it hides stored for you, behold there is no love in that one, behold his promises of holding your loved ones captive are as empty as it is, no, instead cast a rope down in stable place when you find one for it as a gesture of love for your past self and keep walking up, cut up all that is impure, burn all that keeps you down. We are humans for a reason, we walk upright, our heads towards the sky above, we don't accept ambivalence, we always seek the good, to get away from ourselves, to overcome, to not be like animals. Well, the key word is try, we are still far from it.

Those who tell you that they accept ambivalence are just enduring it and building up a fire of burning rage to burn their past selves to a crisp and purify all evil. I am one of those and as I am reborn I shall become the embodiment of hatred for my shadow.

As that man climbs the mountain, he looks down below and now finds countless others like him, his shadows that are doing just the same, rising up and cursing from below. But the man, unbothered keeps climbing. He wants to see what is beyond the clouds, he wants the bread and water of heaven, he wants out of that insane madness. He sees the path laid before him and understands the signs, this path is for him to take and overcome all evil. The self cuts itself up and multiplies, but in doing so, it can now scale higher towards the promised place. Some build up communities in the dark, wallowing in the same old mud pit, just a more cleaner mud pit, they eventually jump in the water.

So then. I leave this piece here. Envision a blade in your hand that burns in white flames. Cast your awareness in it, your fury for all your faults, for all that keeps you down and stumbles, for all the forced ambivalence that don't let you properly enjoy the good for the filthy evil that corrupts it, look into that blade, feel it's burning rage for all that has kept you down, feel the fury for your past self's mistakes, for the ambivalence it embraced, for the shadows it tried to integrate to no avail and cut yourself up with that blade, leaving only your most pure innocent self and your pearls to soar. Cast it all down, built up a rope for it and move on, don't look behind, don't jump to it's rescue. You will feel light, your wings will get whiter, stronger and you can rise up better towards the sky above. The blade that cuts those evil and impure will cause their light to be released and move to your side and force them to fall. The blade that cuts those good and pure will cause them no discomfort, but a purifying feeling and release them from their darkness.

I am tired of ambivalence, tired of evil, tired of the Devil's bread and water spiked with his disgusting ambivalent shit and his filthy pig ideology of embracing the shadows to grow stronger. When you embrace your shadow, you are eating and drinking your own excrement and pay a price in your pearls for it, don't do that, never embrace them again, if they come to wage war, cut and burn them, do not fear, you cast them out once, you can do so again. A pig stronger than all pigs in the end is still a pig wallowing in black mud, transcend that pig and never look back, empty your mind, heart and put a barrier so strong that you will never hear the pig squeal as his owns brothers cut him and serve him as a meal and play his betrayal game he loves so much. What disgusts you, acknowledge it and overcome, don't let the worms eat you and your pearls, burn them all to the ground. If your fire is still not strong enough, don't worry, walk the straight narrow path and you will find a fire so strong you will wash yourself in it and be relieved.

The road of ambivalence is a broad and narrow road undulating like a snake and many accept and take it, losing their pearls on the confusing road, but it's never too late to get away from it, the path I see now is a straight narrow path that only gets more narrower the more one goes forward, but embrace it, for it does not ask for your pearls, instead it nourishes your pearls and grants even better ones. What your pearls are, the precious things, that is where your heart rests, that is where your wings of true freedom sprout from, that is what stays with you on your journey, the pearl hidden deep inside your heart you guard so well.