I shall be honest with you, so, please, either take this advice seriously or leave it altogether.
You look like seriously messed up person, sorry to say it so directly. But also someone with great potential. This reminds me of me when I was somewhat younger, so I think I can feel for you. This is why I want to give a piece of advice. Instead of getting lost in the books and mixing all things together concentrate on one thing only. Whatever works for you best. Pick it yourself and follow its path only, at least until you get a hold of yourself.
Then, as far as the gods and goddesses are concerned I would withdraw from them temporarily and concentrate on inner work only. Don't try to communicate with anyone, even with Christ, and even when they butt in your consciousness uninvited. Instead I will recommend you do meditation only-meaning empty your head out of any thought and only when you have spend some time in this state try to find out that which you think is the most important thing in your life and get a hold of it. It should help with the directionless emotion and the anxiety. And finally, the best I think I can recommend, is for you to try piecing back together your raison d'etre for being in this world. Find out who you are, what can you do and why are you here for real. I think that is the best advice anyone can give you. Only when you have managed to piece it all together and have a clear idea of your place and your journey you can proceed.
P.S. If I were you I will temporarily stop with the astrology and numerology and all that stuff where you try to read fate externally. I would rather concentrate on the internal, on the spiritual, contact with myself and will try to get deeper into my own subconscious to find the answers to these questions. Try concentrating to uncover your previous lives, and if possible future ones, try answering, from the heart, the great questions of life-who you are and why are you here, try meditating upon past trauma and the reasons you think fate had to put you through it. If visions are unlocked try following them till your concentration runs out but if not don't go to drugs to unlock them. Get as much understanding of yourself as you can without reading any external sources like astrology or numerology and only when you have managed to figure things out for yourself in that way hit the books and look at what the matrix tells you about yourself. The idea is to build up secure foundation of internal believes first and only then go to what people are recommending. That is how I myself dig out me from my misery once (upon a time). May be it will help you out, too?
