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I did the LBRP before I went to bed, I was going to make plans to go to the mental health clubhouse to get a third reference filled out for subsidized housing and get a firmer grounding in the material with social connections, it didn't work out so well, since there is a thunderstorm and I have a mile walk to the bus stop. It's disappointing, but I'm saving it for another day. My caregiver is supposed to come today anyway, she canceled and had to rearrange her appointment till today. I have a therapist appointment at my apartment in my apartment in about an hour.
Before going to bed, I felt a lot of weird tingling in my arms and legs, like there was a lot of electrical energy coming off it.
I went to bed, I had been up for like 48 hours due to mania, fell asleep at like 11pm, had a full ass dream about the spirit of plants or something, I don't remember all of it, I just know someone ate a turnip and I was upset because I knew the turnip was alive and had a soul, it was more nonsensical than anything else, I woke up at 12am and honestly thought a whole night passed because I had a full dream which literally feels like it lasted hours and something had changed in my consciousness, I don't know. I felt completely refreshed, lighter and when I first woke up I thought I was perceiving rainbow vibrations or something in things. I was really confused when I saw it was dark and only 30 minutes passed since I went to bed since I honestly felt like hours had passed and I'm not convinced that I didn't have a time slip or anything.
I went back to bed and I felt excellent. Went to the gas station next door to get coffee because I'm out (making a mental note to go to the store tomorrow). I felt actually better than I had in a long time.
Anyway, I don't really want the crash that occurs, so I'm going to be skipping the LBRP today, potentially do some LHP work with summoning demons to find a balance.
I have a paper for school I have to work on and a final exam online for sociology class which is open book and open Google.
I have some aches in my left foot, I know that Malkuth is under the Earth in the Kabbalistic system. Could negative energy and emotions, coming down through the legs, get trapped in the left foot? It's not that bothersome, it's probably due to my shoes being the wrong size or something.
I know it's not really the typical journal entry, probably provides more detail than needed. I don't really care about the phase of the moon or anything. I provided probably more detail than needed. I'll use this thread for journal entries as needed.
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I should probably include the phases of the moon to better understand how the moon influences my moons and emotions,
May 7
Waning Crescent
Illumination: 1%
Just before the new moon, which I can associate with Rebirth.
Weather, rainy, stormy, kind of cold. Not weather I want to go out in. I have stuff I can do from home. I had a thought when I saw that the sky was dark Grey and people at the gas station mentioned how crazy the weather looked on if negative energy being released could influence the weather. It seems to have cleared up and now it's a light grey, still rainy.
Weather cleared up, I'm going to be going to the mental health clubhouse.
Therapist helped me with questioning my spiritual framework in a way that actually serves me and brought it up to untangling a web (spider themes came up again, keep on making a note to work with Spider Queen of Qlippothic lore, or Arachne).
Said she saw no danger in me practicing Magick and she said she felt a little bit is based on stigma because she mentioned that I'm probably going to have some mental illness for the remainder of my life, which is realistic.
I'll probably make another journal if anything interesting occurs.
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I received a phone call about a subsidized housing complex that just opened and they had a one bedroom available. Housing and getting affordable housing is a huge need. Yay for Magick! I received help from a rapid rehousing program, I didn't get up the subsidized housing waitlist after the 2 year period, and fell off, I was sort of trapped paying over 70% of my income on rent for "affordable housing".
I'm busy finishing up with my last few days of class, so I'm going to hand in the documentation and gather it on Thursday.
I do have anxiety about moving because I don't drive due to the executive functioning issue which impact my motor coordination particularly visual spatial ability, but it looks like paths are starting to open up.
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I was starting to feel a little anxious, overstimulated, someone from the mental health clubhouse had Medical Transit cancel on them and I think I'm a little sensitive to negative energy because she was pissed and anxious that they just never showed up and left her stranded. I said an internal prayer to whoever to make sure she received a ride.
I know I said I wouldn't do the LBRP, this time I did it in person instead of visualizing, but at the end I asked the angels to direct it to someone else who needed it more than me. My dad is elderly and at the end of his life, he's starting to explore spirituality more. I will never say he is a bad person. He has issues with anger. He keeps on saying how he wishes he explored meditation 30 years ago and how hard it is to work on himself in a western society especially with his background of trauma and child neglect. He tells me that he will never get to where he needs to be before he dies.
I'm not sure of the ethics, but I think it's pretty certain that he would appreciate it. I asked the angels at the end of the ritual to direct their engery towards my father before directing it towards me.
I'm now going to do some reading and studying in occult topics. I finished my final essay at the mental health clubhouse on my laptop, I got reference forms faxed for city subsidized housing, and printed off some documents for another subsidized housing unit.
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Notes: working on LHP things.
Some time during shadow work, I discovered that the shadow I need to integrate is Hitler. I'm planning to dive into Norse Paganism. I'm not planning on becoming a Nazi. It's probably the cause of my delusions of being a Nazi in a past life.
About Rituals, I use visualization. I can't afford candles, incense. I'm not sure about the effect but probably it's better for me to work with weaker energy.
I did ritual meant for two people using primarily visualizations with chanting out loud called Communion of Fire from Lilith: Dark Feminine Archetype. Which is meant to invoke Lilith and Asmodeus at the same time. I felt a warmer and received a sense of inner strength, but didn't have the intense ectasy as described by the ritual. I did this Ritual because I was thinking of working with more Gods with war, mars or tower aspects, and Asmodeus came up as an option and then I read this Ritual. I think whatever effect a ritual has, it's the effect that you need, not necessarily not what you want.
Like I said, a lot my ritual work is done utilizing mind and visualization, if you lack a dagger then visualize one. I'm not going to say it has the same effect, but I need to work with accomodations.
I think one thing I do either wrong or right, is I prefer to give my offerings by offering aspects of myself and shedding aspects of myself I want to shed
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Had an interesting dream last night, I started dating this girl who was on the run for killing someone and then we went to a BDSM club. Then the BDSM club turned into a musical and people started singing, then people there started dropping dead.
I'm not sure why I was dating a girl, I guess probably the girl on the run represents me.
Found it interesting due to the themes of sexuality after invoking Lilith.
Thinking more on concepts and working with my shadow self, Hitler was brought up and the fact that he said if there weren't Jews around then he would find some other group to persecute because doing so would unify the German people was brought up in sociology class.
It's just such an alien and foreign concept to me to view myself based on something material based on race. I'm not going to integrate and become my shadow, I think the shadow for me is the antichrist that I have to resist. That doesn't mean, I can't understand it, dismiss the ego, and look past it, and connect with the higher consciousness.
I like how in Norse Paganism, the Sun is feminine and the moon representing the unconsciousness is masculine. I do associate more with the Sun than the Moon, but It's like Yin and Yang, I need to understand it and find balance between the light and dark, the sun and the moon instead of letting the moon consume me and take over my personality.
I don't think you need to completely integrate your shadow, but you can't it consume you.
I believe in Universial redemption, I want to believe there is a purpose for evil. It's not necessary my purpose.
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I've realized I was starting to become a little bit obsessed with the shadow and what the shadow represented. I used LBRP to banish, now I'm going to try to focus on Christian mysticism and some more RHP stuff.
I should understand the shadow aspect of the self and personality but you should be fighting against it and not let yourself be lost to it. I've already done a good job at fighting my shadow and directing psychic energy against it.
I'm not ignoring or neglecting the shadow, I just don't want to become it and I am making the conscious choice to not let it control me. It's repressed for a damn good reason.
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I've realized that I have a lot of illusions based on subconscious fears, that is all they are is just illusions. I decided to do pathworking on the path of Qoph to help me shed those illusions.
It seemed to have worked because I'm no longer living in fear that I'm going to be lost.
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Having more what I called moon illusions, I need to get better with sitting with my fears instead of trying to make sense of them and piece them together like a puzzle.
Did this Ritual, primarily using visualizations of the tools.
aka Protocol for the Establishment of Energetic Sovereignty Note – this is modular. If you don’t have a bell, tap a knife on a wineglass. If you don’t have anything that makes a clear ringing sound, leave it out. If you can’t use incense, use a scented candle. If you can’t use a candle either...
wizardforums.com
I use visualizations to clense, I think it worked.
I think my energy if this is the case has been purified enough that it's not negatively impacting others, I have positive interactions with people from the mental health clubhouse however they are already used to dealing and living with hell, but I do have a rash of suicides around people I know. Let's just say, I've been through the karmic ringer (I'm slowly adjusting and working with my beliefs in karma) it's made me strong.
I have a hesitance with getting too close to people and tend to maintain my distance to them, because of this weird subconscious belief that I'm negatively impacting people with my energy or it's impacting them in a certain manner, and causing deaths and suicides.
It may just be my subconscious beliefs that I just realized that formed, but my karma (and I am working on dismissing that concept.) Let's just say, I'm really strong, I've shed a lot, I'm going to continue shedding a lot from working on myself. All the mental druff I shed has to go somewhere and I assume it takes the path of least resistance and impacts those closest to me, which has a negative impact on me. This is my fear as I start interacting with others. I never get angry, but I've been severely depressed which is starting to clear up as I search for meaning.
I need the truth, is it possible that shedding and actually working with my mental and psychological druff could have caused deaths, and is there a banishing ritual more powerful than the LBRP which utilizes limited materials?
Is there a way to direct where the energy goes so it doesn't negatively impact anyone.
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I'm looking for truth, don't sugarcoat things.
If I have caused deaths by basically having to be Atlas with the world on my shoulders, and the universe wasn't used to that mass of influx of negative impure energy, then don't sugarcoat things.
I need to know as part of my own development.
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I think this is more moon illusions and false fears which aren't worth diving into.
I don't want to avoid it, if there is a chance, but I recognize the influence of moon illusions.
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I think I found the answer to my question on what is happening from a Quora notification from a Sufi, which I somehow get via email and I'm thankfully too easy to unsubscribe.
"The universe always balances itself.
When you go to one extreme, which most people do today, the universe automatically creates a counterweight in the opposite direction and pulls back things into balance. When you go far right, a balancing counterweight on the far left will spawn and pull things into balance. Extreme cold gives birth to extreme heat. Extreme hatred gives birth to extreme love. Extreme anything gives birth to its arch-nemesis. The more darkness and night you experience, the more you will urge for light and day. The polar opposites (of Yin and Yang) work in such way that they need eachother to create balance.
The middle road is the path of balance, where opposites (Yin and Yang, pain and joy, darkness and light, success and failure, etc) meet and merge into one. Thus the middle path is the unity of the extremes, which ultimately is the nature of things in life.
Whehter you chose to walk the middle road or not, it doesn’t matter because life will always pull you back to the middle anyway; and the further you go to one extreme the harder life will pull you back to balance by creating a stronger counterweight.
You have the same teaching in all spiritual paths; called the straight path (siratul mustaqeem) in Sufism; Ma’at in ancient Egyptian mysticism. Only life experience can ultimately teach us what the middle road is, and how the universe functions on balance."
"Particularly, The more darkness and night you experience, the more you will urge for light and day."
The universe made a fucking point that it really wants me to urge for light and day. I'm not sure if I have a rough life because I'm so focused on the spiritual path, my path is balance. I once prayed for a pure heart and one of my biggest fears is losing the light.
The universe doesn't give you more than you can handle, one path to self-transformation is you do handle shit. You go through tests, trials and tribulations. I may live a mundane life, but the universe has higher aspirations for me.
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Rainy, kind of cold, didn't remember my dreams.
Had a benefits assessment meeting, and I'm allowed to keep my medicaid by working part time, it's just the SSDI limits I need to worry about, my next plan is to look for employment.
About employment, I don't do well with a lot of menial employment jobs, I'm looking for clerical work. I try not to invoke for material things, but I may have to do Magick to help find a job which is a good fit, because finding part-time clerical work is nearly impossible. It's not that I'm too good to be a busser or a store clerk, it's just, I have difficulty with motor coordination, I have a lot of fatigue, low energy, I have social anxiety. I'm not dwelling on it, but part of the issue with being on the system and receiving help is that you have to over-focus on the worst aspects of you and bring them out again and again and again, it gets tiring and it's a tendency I learned how to deal with. I'm sick of having to bring up to the forefront and focus on how my disability impacts me on my worst day, over and over and over again. It's not playing the victim, it's what I've learned to do.
Have a housing coordinator appointment in approximately an hour, going to try to get some reading in. Focus isn't too great.
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Finding housing is so much easier when you aren't homeless. I'm not sure if I'm just not as blocked, if spirits are intervening, or what. I was contacted almost immediately when I posted on the contact form about an apartment, and am going to be arranging a tour for a 2 bedroom for $800 a month.
Maybe, I should give up on expecting my path to be so completely and utterly blocked and just start trusting, instead of having to push against all the energy like I had to do to get out of homelessness and housing insecurity. I have trouble allowing myself to just trust that I'm going to end up where I need to be because I've had to push against the energy in the past, I won.
@Diluculo_DelFuego mentioned how he was working with the Qlippoth, he banished the entity he worked with and there was increased crime and chaos.
Two hours after I did the LBRP, I think I just heard gunshots and someone screaming and running away outside of my window, which isn't an uncommon occurrence where I live, I decided to note it. If that was in my psyche and it causes influences over the material world like that, sometimes I am fucking amazed by the energy I have lived with, and have handled. More screaming as I write this. I'm going to go lock the door and put the bar in the patio door.
I think I just need a new apartment.
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Studying Norse Paganism, I associated with this.
It is they who sit at the Well of Wyrd, laying the layers of being which shape the ever-growing tree Yggdrasill; thus they shape what shall become of humans and god/esses alike. The term used in Old Norse to describe this fate is ørlög: the ur-(“proto”) law or the “primal layer” This is used because the first layer of being – the first actions, the first words spoken – shape all the following layers which grow out of it and are laid upon it; the first primal pattern is the pattern which names the terms of being, becoming, and ending. This idea appears in a number of legends throughout the Indo-European world; the hero/ine's life and death are described on the day of his/her birth or name-giving, and thereafter all must follow as it has been spoken – as it should become. This is the same for the Nine Worlds as for the individual life; all things, however great or small, have their ørlög which cannot be escaped, their own personal wyrd. Wyrd cannot be escaped; it is the act of a nithling (“despicable coward”) to flee it but the hero/ine, knowing his/her wyrd ahead of time, goes boldly and even joyfully forth to meet it. Wyrd may be written around – events arranged so that what should/must be will, in the due course of time, work out for the best – but it cannot be escaped.
I'm trying to work with my shadow self, I have unconscious fears that it's my Wyrd to become my shadow. It doesn't matter if it is or not, I won't be a nithling and whatever my life will bring and what is my Wyrd, I'll face it head on.
Just one note - the crime and Chaos and death from allowed my involvement with evoking qlippothic deities.
Banishing was done to clear the space of entities, doing a kind dismissal board t forgetting to give ve te charge.
Banishing via the LBRP clear, and balances, the self. To clear the environment, you may get look into doing a LBRH to clean up the external area.
Kind of lazy today, woke up at 9am, feeling good.
Would have gone to the mental health clubhouse, but I just finished up with school. It does sometimes take me a little while to get motivated in the morning, I drank my coffee.
Going to take a shower soon to try to build a routine of not skipping showers and then I'll do the LPRP after my shower. I don't know if I'm making excuses or I need to be lazy for a day. I just finished up with class and school and I think it's okay to have a lazy day from time to time.
I do know I need to focus on Earth though, so I'm unsure.
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Did LBRP realized my window was open in middle of ritual and neighbors could probably hear me, decided I didn't really care, I mean, I live in an apartment, people are noisy. I decided it was better than stopping my ritual.
Going to sit on my porch and read the chapter on The Sun from Meditations of the Tarot- A journey into Christian Hermeticism. I read the chapters as I work with the Paths on the Qabalah of the Arcana they correspond to. Probably listen to Trance music to help me focus.
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Went to the store, it's a small thing but I didn't go to the mental health clubhouse and I needed coffee, the store is a mile walk away and I often suffer from fatigue, decided to get something done today and enjoy the nice weather.
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Meditated for half an hour, trying to incorporate Meditation back in my daily routine.
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I think my caregiver stole my Ritalin prescription. I would be more pissed, but it's probably the universe telling me it's time to go off it because I abused it, it's becoming unhealthy. I hope it at least banishes my neurological issues because if not, I'm probably going to have too much fatigue to keep doing the LBRP until next month.
I'm skipping the LBRP tomorrow, if it doesn't banish those. Fuck.
I've just realized that I'm really not as knowledgeable or as spiritually intuitive as I had previously thought and since I've begun doing the LBRP and taking Magick seriously again (which I just started a few weeks ago) it just hit me that I haven't even developed the basics, I have a lot of ego, and considering the literal years I've spent doing Magick, I don't even have the basics down, I'm not disciplined, a lot of my beliefs about myself, my abilities, etc stem from ego.
I need to practice learning discipline and have a realistic view about myself (break down ego), what do you do when you've wasted literal years only to start again and realize you need to build the basics in Magick, were all those years a complete waste?
I'm going to try to build a routine where I meditate once a day for 30 minutes and focus on doing something on the material, start small. I'm going to do the LBRP 2x a way, do divination. What are some other things you recommend doing to build up the basics? Should I quit all Magick work except the LBRP for a year?
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In my defense, thankfully I recognized and decided to break myself down before the universe did it for me.
Unless you are in a lodge, I would first choose Low or High Magick.
If High Magick, I would obtain a book, such as "Modern Magick", or "Kabbalah, Magic and the Great Work of Self-Transformation".
If Low Magick, I would obtain a book such as "Low Magick", or "Candle Burning Magick".
It's really a matter of making effective decisions and putting in the work.
I am doing the work. I hope I've at least displayed that, I know I displayed it to myself.
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Now I have to go off my Ritalin, I think my caregiver stole my Ritalin prescription so now I have to learn discipline with a cognitive disadvantage.
Fuck. I mean, it is what it is.
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+++++++++
Saturday May 11th,
Card of the day: Ace of swords.
Found my Ritalin under a pile of papers on the other table, going to be taking it as prescribed.
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When I woke up, I thought I saw a big cloud of etheric energy, much like how a ghost looks, but with no discernable shape floating up around the ceiling which then floated away, but I didn't have my glasses on or place much on it ( my eyesight was already blurry).
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I often feel guilty and get reactive when subjected to criticism, I know it's from the ego, but often I just feel constant guilt and I handle criticism, especially unconstructive by self sabotaging myself.
I want to work on my self-sabotage inclination. Someone on discord was criticizing me about how I was on SSDI because I had mentioned it in the past, and mentioned the reason why we have such a big homelessness crisis in the US was because of how we treat people with disabilities and view them as being deserving of homelessness and housing insecurity, I made a comment about being on disability and having been homeless, people accused me of complaining, I then self-sabotaged myself by donating money to charities out of reactivity so I could be like "You think I'm really undeserving of this money and I should feel guilt for utilizing the system as intended, then fine, I'll show you by sabotaging myself and spending my food money for the month."
I wasted $500 that I couldn't afford because I was planning on emptying my bank account as a way to self-sabotage myself out of anger towards myself. I just recognized how reactive I actually am, but I turn it inwards towards myself so I don't hurt anyone and maybe there is a part of me that wants people to face what they did and wish they could feel how intensely I feel emotions such as guilt.
I wasted $500 that I couldn't afford because I was planning on emptying my bank account as a way to self-sabotage myself out of anger towards myself. I just recognized how reactive I actually am, but I turn it inwards towards myself so I don't hurt anyone and maybe there is a part of me that wants people to face what they did and wish they could feel how intensely I feel emotions such as guilt.
I do seek professional help. I've been looking at myself on the inside and seeing how ugly it actually is and how much anger and insecurity I actually have and release upon myself. I did my actions, I felt guilty that I was on SSDI because I internalized a lot of it and was led to believe that I deserved homelessness for being disabled and then proceeded to sabotage myself.
I shouldn't have acted out, but I'm trying to deal with my insecurity and how ugly it really is on the inside and I create a false image or a false self to hide it. Today is really the first day it hit and my insecurity is high.
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Like I said, I don't deserve to be treated the way I treat myself. I acknowledge that and rationalize that, but I'm getting down and trying to work on myself, part of it is ugly and you do make mistakes. I need to face the consequences for my actions and if it includes not having money to eat for a month, that is what it includes.
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Did LBRP, going to sit out on the porch and meditate. Probably going to stay off the internet for the rest of the night, feel on edge, angry, I wonder if I'm making any progress at all since it feels like I took a step backwards today.
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Trying to stay offline, just mentioning that I meditated. I'm feeling a new emotion which I haven't felt in awhile due to numbing myself, anger.
I don't know how to properly respond to anger so I internalize it and sabotage myself, sometimes when you feel an emotion, it's hard to ride the wave.
I haven't felt angry for years, I think I focus so much about my own psyche and rely on habits to distance myself from anger. I guess I am breaking it down.
I feel you. Being physically disabled and mentally ill, as well as poor and homeless, it is a hurt others cannot fathom, after we've fought the good fight and lost.
Keep your chin up, and meditate a lot.
I feel you. Being physically disabled and mentally ill, as well as poor and homeless, it is a hurt others cannot fathom, after we've fought the good fight and lost.
Keep your chin up, and meditate a lot.
It's just I hate hearing about how I should be grateful for it, when the system is broken and how people who aren't disabled don't understand and aren't able to understand that a system designed to be a poverty trap that forces people to be homeless and essentially very very difficult to work due to poverty traps. It's just so demeaning being told to be grateful for a system that made you homeless as some sort of bizarre punishment for using the system as intended.
I'm grateful that I had enough work credits for SSDI and not SSI, but I am not lazy. I'm not abusing benefits. I'm not a leech abusing the system. It's like if you do need support then people need to keep making you feel guilty about it. Because I used the system as intended? I quit my job working with developmentally disabled and emotionally disabled youth because I developed suicidal impulsivity and ended up in a group home and thought "Okay, there is a system in place for if you are no longer to work" I meant to get off, but after the 3 year process and the trauma it caused having to cycle between domestic abuse and homelessness and begging my case managers, housing coordinators, for years and years to help only to have nobody able to do anything.
My experience with being homeless did cause a lot of trauma that I am trying to work with.
It's amazing the absolute hatred people have for people on benefits.
I'm no longer suicidal, because I've been working on myself. I've been working on my trauma, but it's caused a lot of distrust in people, society and the system realizing that people generally don't care, we live in a society where homelessness is viewed as a just punishment for having a disability and they blame you for it, neglecting the actual causes of the homeless crisis and state that you must have done it to yourself.
It's a hard thing to be able to accept and understand that the average person really just doesn't care, even president Biden abandoned his promise to increase disability to the federal poverty line because it's politically unpopular among both Democrats and Republicans.
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Downloaded a book called The Shadow Work Journal, started reading, if there are any exercises in them, I'm going to do.
There was a list of mind traps, and I recognized a clear one: Negativity bias. The amount of negative thinking I do is disproportionate to reality. I learned how to think negatively, because my dad was very cynical and authoritarian, my mother was permissive and used love as a way to manipulate but it was overly flowerly and kind of empty because she did have undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and black and white thinking. I've found it difficult to forgive myself for mistakes I've made, because a relatively minor error or mistake would either lead to a full blown screaming match, with punches being thrown, being threatened to be kicked out, my father telling me to commit suicide and "Go fucking kill yourself already" and often would be used or brought up years later in the middle of an argument (spilling coffee or forgetting to wipe down the table were huge ones.)
The end result, I became deathly afraid of even making minor mistakes, this anxiety over making even the most minor mistake, led me to make mistakes, leading to a huge amount of anxiety over the material, leading to difficulty with productivity. How do you end up being productive if you are deathly terrified of even making a minor error?
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Recognizing my triggers.
I do hate the term trigger because the term trigger in a mental health context is a legitimate thing, meaning something that needs to be worked through.
Spotting your shadow self often begins with noticing your triggers, recognizing patterns in your behavior and life experiences, and understanding your projections.
1. Noticing Your Triggers
I think a big one is feeling neglected or ignored. I think I tend to talk too much about myself, because there is some need that isn't being met on a psychological level. Talking too much about myself and my experiences online is from the ego, but it leads to negative reactions from others which just increase my need for my feelings, thoughts and experiences to be affirmed, leading to a cycle.
Criticism.
I do well with constructive criticism, but growing up, criticism was used in a way that I would describe as toxic. My father without much prompting got down to a core level, and said something that made you reactive, such as even minor things such as breathing too loud, were " really fucking weird." Sometimes even if criticism is well intentioned it depends on how it comes off, it can make me reactive. If criticism comes off as too blunt especially, it does cause me to get reactive.
I know I have more, I'll be aware. I probably shouldn't be posting this publicly, but I am very very needy for attention. I'm trying to accept this fact kindly, maybe this journal and being public, helps meet a need.
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Recognizing Pattern
I think a big pattern I notice that I do is I tend to be drawn towards toxic communities, when I then unconsciously want to make myself the center of attention and end up being attacked for doing so, and therefore re-enact my trauma online.
In real life, then I'm afraid to getting close to people, this probably reflect some disconnection between my shadow self and my physical self. In real life, I'm shy, quiet, but online, I think I re-enact my trauma.
Another patten is my reactivity. I get involved in toxic communities. And then as one of my triggers is unconstructive criticism, I'm subjected to personal attacks and unconstructive criticism, which cause me to get reactive. When I get reactive, I lash out towards myself. I once had a therapist when I was 10 who told me that "depression was anger turned outward" and I never thought of myself as an angry person until I started exploring with myself. I have nearly 30 years of anger. I want to deal with it. I don't want to repeat the same pattern of abuse, abandonment, wearing on people's nerves and being neglected.
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Skipped nighttime LBRP, something felt wrong about performing a banishing ritual after shadow work, reminder to either place LBRP before daily shadow work, or just do morning LBRP.
The symbolism of doing LBRP suggests to me that the shadow is something to be banished, or that it's "evil" or "wrong" and is pretty much suggesting on a subconscious level the same values and norms that lead it to be oppressed in the first place. I mean, I viewed my shadow as Hitler when it's more akin to a hurt, scared child.
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Woke up at 2:30am, felt restless, didn't feel like going back to sleep.
Doing shadow work, there was a fill in the blank exercise in the journal. The first question: "I always feel like I am the __________ one." The first word that popped into my head was "evil". I decided to write this down because it kind of fucked that I don't just view myself as bad, because I what, made a mistake from time to time?
For some reason I view myself as evil?
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Reflection Questions
Why am I sometimes seduced into a lack mentality?
I feel that I sometimes play the victim in order to place the blame on myself and punish myself. I don't self-harm anymore, but I self-sabotage, self-sabotage is often from anger. I think a lack mentality comes from an effort to get a need met, and then I get angry because I get ignored, so I lash out.
What self-improvement techniques can I use to replace my negative thoughts with a more empowering belief about myself or the situation?
Once I tried to tell myself as a mantra: "I am worthy and deserving of love ", I decided to tell myself it until I believed it was true, It took all day.
What kind of thinking do I need to adopt in order to step outside my limiting beliefs and focus on what excites me?
I'm not really sure what excites me, I don't think I have been excited for awhile. Another fill in the blank question was ____________ and ___________ excites me and I skipped it because I don't really know.
Instead of believing that I'm not deserving, the type of thinking I need to adopt is viewing myself as. Instead of viewing myself as insecure and relying on others to meet my emotional and psychological needs, work on viewing myself as secure enough to meet my own.
This is actually harder than I realized so I'm going to take a break. I've noticed I've repressed my feelings of excitement for some reason.
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Sunday May 12th.
Card of the Day: King of Cups.
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Did LBRP, I want to go on a walk later depending on my energy level. I need to go and get nicotine gum and I may walk around the park just to spend time in nature.
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Called my mother, wished her a happy mother's day, she kept on saying how she had a new slogan since a deer ate the sunflower she planted and she was like "when someone messes up your garden then replant your life." Usually, she's too drunk to get much wisdom out of her, but I was like "exactly" because that is what I am doing right now.
Was going to go to the store to get nicotine gum, that is probably all I am going to do today.
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Got meditation done. I'm going to skip going on a walk and probably go to bed early. I woke up after 3 hours of sleep, I'm exhausted.
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Invoked Lucifer for friendship, confidence, good humor. It's Sunday and visualized a yellow candle (I still need to create an astral temple), imagined me lighting the candle and calling on Lucifer, imagined a bowl, imagined myself giving energy into the bowl.
Going to go to the mental health clubhouse tomorrow.
Right ear energy while in the process of invoking Lucifer.
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I want to have a relationship with Lucifer again much like in the past and make a commitment, not a give and take relationship where I just invoke him when I need something.
Lucifer helped me a lot with self love, I think that is what I need as I do shadow work. I feel like I haven't been fair since I did have doubts in my path and I feel like I abandoned him.
People said to pick a demon and stick with it.
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Meditated to Lucifer's enn, did divination asking what I needed to work on.
Knight of Swords my enthusiasm and my tendency to rush into situations without regard to the consequences, and IX of Swords, my anxiety and fear.
It was sunny and 80 degrees, when I opened my eyes after closing them for 10-15 minutes the sky started getting dark and there is a flash storm. I'm glad I didn't go on a walk.
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Adding this, it probably should have originally gone in my journal instead of in a thread.
I'm doing the LBRP 2x a day and I want to throw in an invocation of Lucifer daily and get my relationship back to where it was, because a lot of his teachings involve self-love and putting your own needs first from my previous experience with working with him (I stopped working with him after my delusions where I saw hell which I've mentioned in a previous post, just due to my own fears), he was my friend and I feel like I let him down by abandoning him or not trusting him when I had illusions and a lot of doubt in him entirely based on religious dogma.
If I do the LBRP, which is working, can I set the intention to keep Lucifer's energy if it's having an effect or do they conflict? I would prefer to keep the LBRP in my routine or switch back and forth but I think Lucifer is able to help a lot with shadow work.
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I would typically just do the LBRP and set my mental belief and intention to not get rid of energy which is benefiting me, but I just want to double check and see if I can actually do that.
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Also, why I kind of stopped working with Lucifer is because approximately 3 years ago, I started working with him because he contacted me and told me to get in touch with him, I was stuck in a domestic abuse situation, he was helping me originally with self-love but at the time I was working with him, I was begging everyone for help and I had illusions that I was going to end up in hell, and he does kind of like to play up the whole "devil" thing being a bit of a trickster because he often tests you to put yourself first and tell him no.
I'm going to be honest with Lucifer the next time I work with him. He appreciates honestly, when I needed help in life, my pleas weren't being answered, on top of that I had anxiety and illusions which most likely came from my own fears of the concept of Hell, which I prefer to dismiss on my path. Eventually, I quit working with him because it wasn't bearing fruit. It's why I'm putting the LBRP first, but at time I did view him as akin to a best friend.
I think I had a codependent relationship with Lucifer, which I'm sure Carl Jung could write a whole essay on, but it wasn't really working in the past, and I can take responsibility for that, I wasn't ready or I misunderstood another spiritual test meant to put myself first and build my self esteem, which included dealing with my fears that I was going to end up in hell.
If I did, this codependency is exactly why I need to work with him, so I can recognize it and work on it.
I get an insight when I'm somewhere, I'm on another thread. Anyway if I have a text box open and it's there, sometimes I post it in an inappropriate place, but I'm getting better at using my journal for it's intended purpose.
Successfully completed second LBRP, going to do shadow work.
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Some fill in the blanks from the Shadow work journal and what they bring up,
As a child I was told not to show emotions.
Emotions among living with my family were always viewed as a sign of weakness, a chink in the armor which could be either manipulated among my mother, or if I showed any sign of emotions such as depression, it caused anxiety towards my father, which I tried to reassure him and get defensive or anger because he saw aspects of himself in me by showing any sign of either intense emotions or mental illness. In exchange, they became repressed and dealt with in an unhealthy manner. With living with my mother It was viewed as a sign of weakness which could be manipulated and I learned how to shut down from all my emotions.
As a child I was told not to lie
My childhood was chaotic, I viewed my parents as a threat, a psychic threat to myself which I had to hide myself from, I developed the habit of believing I had to hide things from my dad even minor things, and often a lot of our escalations were over the most minor shit, the fact that I lied about the most minor thing. When you felt like you had to lie just to get by and then faced the whole world coming down for lying, it made you feel trapped. I probably lie to myself because it was what I learned how to do. Consciously, I respond by telling the truth and keeping myself completely open because I wasn't even allowed to hide my emotions, I wasn't allowed to hide what I was feeling.
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I’m so grateful for my strength and resilience, but wish my guardians would have taught me how to be confident in myself, instead of teaching me to view the world as a scary and chaotic place.
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How can I reframe these memories so that they don’t continue to hurt and hinder me in the future?
Focus on the present instead of worrying about the past or future. You can only see what is in front of you and the present is ever changing. Try to focus on your strengths, and learn that you don't need to leave yourself completely open and unprotected, keeping yourself, completely vulnerable to the world.
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Did protection Magick and worked on shielding before I went to bed. It feels like it filled a lot of holes in my aura.
Today, I'm going to try to be silent and practice sitting with my emotions and keeping them inward instead of reacting on them.
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Got LBRP done, in the middle of doing the LBRP, I got a sense of panic. I think I banished a blockage or something that was causing it to be repressed.
Was going to go to the mental health clubhouse, received a text message reminder from case manager that he was going to be stopping by to get my signature and sending a reminder, didn't work out.
Got birth certificate and social security card into a housing place, arranged a tour. I do feel more anxious than usual today. I'm trying not to let it affect me or serve as an excuse to avoid tasks.
Anxiety is high.
I grew up with a stuttering disorder as a kid, whenever I had to talk then the same type of fear I felt during the LBRP came up and it reminded me of being a kid and having to give a presentation knowing that I would basically be grasping and choking to get the words out. The stuttering disorder went away, but I may have repressed a lot of anxiety over my childhood. It was when I was trying to vibrate the archangel names and invoke them outloud, that was the image that came up.
I'm asking this here instead of making a new thread. I thought it was more appropriate. You know more about the LBRP than I do.
LBRP doesn't always banish negative emotions, if I understand it correct, sometimes they can bring repressed emotions to the surface that I need to deal with? I had a sense of panic in the middle of the LBRP while invoking the archangels and the feeling I got was since I grew up with a stuttering disorder, I felt like I was back in 3rd grade and had to give a presentation knowing that I would stutter and be basically left grasping with all eyes focused on me. Basically a panic attack, but I handled it and finished my ritual. Anxiety is high and I'm just asking using your knowledge if that can be a effect of the ritual working and bringing repressed emotions to the surface.
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Got reactive at the idea of giving up Magick because my ego is attached to my Magick, my spirituality, I got angry most of all at myself, which is why I have to stop practicing.
I need to apologize to @KjEno186, I became my mother and I wanted to cause harm to them by causing harm to myself. It was unconscious, but I'm able to take responsibility for my actions and accept what I did, which was morally and psychologically wrong and I do apologize.
I'm going to stay in my journal and out of the main site, I took a break, practiced the 4 fold breath, realized I was self-sabotaging myself.
I'm trying to accept how fragile my ego actually is and how little it takes to get reactive and it's hard to deal with the reactivity. It's very fragile.
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@KjEno186 I need to accept responsibility for my actions, you suggested I give up Magick and part of me responded in a reactive manner, cause harm and did the whole "I'm going to self-sabotage myself and it's all your fault", it's nobodies fault but mine. I'm not giving up on myself, but I'm taking advice as actually intended and am going to take a break.
Feel free to ban me if I post outside of my journal for the time being. I give you all permission, I'm just staying in my journal and I think it's fair. I'm too reactive to be on the mainsite and my focus on myself and my problems even if unconscious is selfish.
LBRP doesn't always banish negative emotions, if I understand it correct, sometimes they can bring repressed emotions to the surface that I need to deal with? I had a sense of panic in the middle of the LBRP while invoking the archangels and the feeling I got was since I grew up with a stuttering disorder, I felt like I was back in 3rd grade and had to give a presentation knowing that I would stutter and be basically left grasping with all eyes focused on me. Basically a panic attack, but I handled it and finished my ritual. Anxiety is high and I'm just asking using your knowledge if that can be a effect of the ritual working and bringing repressed emotions to the surface.
The Lesser Ritual of the Pentagram balances the sphere of sensation, basically you and your emotions, your senses.
When you invite me Spirit from the top of the Pentagram, you pull down energy that you may not be used to. Same with the Middle Pillar Ritual that nearly made me faint one day doing it.
There is a rule with invoking and banishing, that you invited or towards and banish from, a particular element.
Spirit - top of Pentagram, divine energy
Water - top right, sphere of emotions
Air - top left, sphere of intellect
Fire - bottom right, sphere of action
Earth - bottom left, sphere of physical
Because earth is physical and denser than divine energy, you can still have dark or negative attachments, from LHP work.
This means you need to Invoke divine energy when you rise and Banish before you sleep, or vice versa.
The physical is our normal reality devoid of emotion, action or thought.
Therefore, if emotions plague you, in or spirit or banish water. If you are devoid of emotion or numb, then invoke water.
If thoughts are plaguing you, banish air and invoke spirit.
If you are continually breaking or being too active, banish fire and invoke spirit.
If the physical is the problem, you banish earth and invoke spirit.
Again, LHP dabblers get good at band shing and in king because of who they work with, and practice as much and as long as possible. RHP should be no exception let alone grey magicians.
The Lesser Ritual of the Pentagram balances the sphere of sensation, basically you and your emotions, your senses.
When you invite me Spirit from the top of the Pentagram, you pull down energy that you may not be used to. Same with the Middle Pillar Ritual that nearly made me faint one day doing it.
There is a rule with invoking and banishing, that you invited or towards and banish from, a particular element.
Spirit - top of Pentagram, divine energy
Water - top right, sphere of emotions
Air - top left, sphere of intellect
Fire - bottom right, sphere of action
Earth - bottom left, sphere of physical
Because earth is physical and denser than divine energy, you can still have dark or negative attachments, from LHP work.
This means you need to Invoke divine energy when you rise and Banish before you sleep, or vice versa.
The physical is our normal reality devoid of emotion, action or thought.
Therefore, if emotions plague you, in or spirit or banish water. If you are devoid of emotion or numb, then invoke water.
If thoughts are plaguing you, banish air and invoke spirit.
If you are continually breaking or being too active, banish fire and invoke spirit.
If the physical is the problem, you banish earth and invoke spirit.
Again, LHP dabblers get good at band shing and in king because of who they work with, and practice as much and as long as possible. RHP should be no exception let alone grey magicians.
Thanks, I'm good at recognizing my emotions and corresponding to the elements. Not so great at dealing with myself.
I know I need to shed the ego and be careful with Magick, but I suspect I developed Borderline Personality Disorder, or at the least, some habits that are akin to it, my therapist said I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder because I lack an unstable sense of self but I have complex PTSD, however it's still living in hell. Online it comes out the most, it's very isolating. I have to maintain distance from people in real life and I'm afraid to get close. I use the internet to supplement my lack of social contact, but it comes out.
One of my earliest memories I had as a kid is actually a dream I had when I was 4 or 5. In the dream I woke up, I was looking for my mother, she was gone, there was just a silhouette of her as a shadow and I remember feeling a sense of fear. I woke up crying and in tears. That memory has always stayed with me.
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Going to go on walk, I need nicotine gum.
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One of my biggest triggers is when my emotions aren't validated, I'm unable to tell what I am feeling, I'm unable to process them, so I tend to over rely on others to tell me what I am feeling, however it isn't fair to subject them on others when I should be validating them myself, which is my responsibility. I don't know how.
This need of having my emotions validated because I haven't learned the skills to process them myself and I dissociated them is what makes me reactive.
In regards to mental health triggers and what they represent, probably neglect or the fact that my parents never really taught me either how to sit with or process my emotions, and therefore I tend to open myself up and want to over rely on others when it's not their responsibility and causes trust issues with people when there is this conflict over knowing how to get my own needs validated because I have a lack of trust in myself and my own ability, which leads to this habit which just teaches me again and again, that I can't rely on others. This habit just repeats again and again.
I don't know how to break this habit. I wish someone could give me the answers it comes from a lack of trust and confidence in myself.
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A lot of my issues come from a lack of self-confidence, a lack of confidence in myself and my own perception.
This leads to an issue, every time I try to build confidence and deal with this, I end up sabotaging myself and experiencing failure. Every time I experience failure, it decreases my confidence in myself, eventually the reason why I turned to Magick was because I wasn't having success any other way, however when I ended up failing in Magick, then I got reactive. I'm sorry I need to make my feelings and emotions known.
@KjEno186 The reason why I got reactive to the suggestion to stop practicing Magick, is because I don't know any other way to build confidence when I have the subconscious inclination to tend to sabotage myself and set myself up for failure. I'm sorry I took my reactivity out on you, but I have tried all other ways to heal myself, and it was already a last resort. I really don't know how to change my belief if my belief influences my reality without getting to the deepest level of the psyche, and to me, it felt like just another failure, and I reacted, because it's like I set myself up to fail and I don't know how to stop this. I've tried everything else.
The situation is, that I need to build confidence, I can't build confidence through material matters when I have the subconscious inclination to set myself up to fail and sabotage myself. If using material things to build confidence feels like it's set up for failure, I have to turn towards the spiritual. The belief that I was failing in spiritual matters and not making any progress was too hard to accept, in exchange, that was the reason why I got reactive, because I did turn towards Magick to try to heal this wound, and it reminded me of all my other failures.
I apologize, but that is where it came from and why I got reactive towards you. I don't know how to stop practicing Magick, because I don't know of any other way to heal myself.
I'm sorry for tagging you, but I needed to make a real apology and taking responsibility means accepting your emotions and acknowledging what led you to react.
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I feel like I healed a part of myself, I don't know how, just by acknowledging the fact that I need more confidence in myself, something changed.
I feel like I'm not fighting against myself anymore, now I feel calm.
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When falling asleep I one of those "my whole body is shaking" dreams, it was weird. I forgot that I was going to give up on Magick and thought "I must be being attacked by something", woke up and am am going to a whole nighter because I had hypnogogic hallunicianations of my body shaking violently.
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I stopped taking my SSRI, I was unsure about energetic changes it would have, I've been more reactive, impulsive, the depression hasn't been that severe, but it's an adjustment. Negative emotions will pass and if they don't, I'll adjust.
I'm trying to learn how to function without numbing my emotions and myself. It takes some adjustment.
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I've been on the max dose of SSRI medication since I was like 13, and God knows what else to numb myself. Probably permanent neurological effects.
I have approximately 17 years of repressed emotions in my psyche that I have to purge, no wonder I'm so fucked right now. Add in bad habits and responses to childhood trauma and how I learned to respond to emotions and viewed them as something that could be exploited as a weakness, or which shouldn't be shown.
I don't even know how to cry anymore, I wish I knew how since I remember it was healing. I guess I have to relearn how. Only time I cried was when there was a sudden shock that broke down my whole world view. I've learned how to be strong and form a shell.
Insecurity is through the roof, but it's fleeting, comes and goes. I look for reassurance and react on those habits, when it's up for me to give myself reassurance.
About to head to bed, practicing little things that can give me discipline. Decided to write in my journal. I may not have come off as it, but I'm able to take things seriously now instead of grasping in the dark furiously seeking any answer I can come across. It didn't get me anywhere. I know where I'm going to be, I want to get there.
Want to practice trying to be silent or more silent about matters I view as spiritual. Part of the reason silence is so difficult is because I want to understand. I have a need to understand. I respond in an unhealthy mechanism because I haven't yet trusted myself, my intuition, my mind to be able to find these answers I seek. The self I want to be is going to find those answers, the answers are found in silence.
Which brings me to what I feel I should practice next, detachment. Being able to detach from my thoughts, my emotions, and just observe them, understand them maintaining a healthy distance and detachment. I'm able to detach, I have the capacity to. In the past, I just didn't want to.
I'm going to practice sitting for 10 seconds before I speak.
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I have a correction to my previous journal article. There is no being "more silent", I'm ready to dismiss my ego and do things the right way. There is just silence.
I think being in therapy gave me impressions I have to shed which often conflicted with where I need to be, flowery ideas such as not judging yourself sound good in practice, but I'm going to have to shed them, because the person most capable of judging myself is with me. I have to be willing to criticize myself and acknowledge when I make a mistake, and I'm starting now. I made a mistake by not watching what I say. I recognized it and I'm going to be better.
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Making a mental list of things to do for self to help organizion in order of priority, and to make sure I get to it.
1) need to do material things today, sign and fax a document for city subsidized housing, print off a document to hand into case manager, start searching for employment. This is in order of priority.
2) Meditation, this is the most important spiritual thing.
3) Shadow work journal, I'm placing this before LBRP, with the exception of meditation, I think working on the psychological is more important than the spiritual.
4) Read more of a book. I'm not going to say what I'm reading to practice being silent, but I definately want to get to it, if not finish. In terms of priority, LBRP already fits in well.
5) I'm not sure where LBRP fits in, I do it in the morning and at night. I would skip the night time if needed to. It fits in my day. Placing it last.
This I'm primarily making for myself to make sure I get to these.
I've spent the day looking for more formal spiritual orders and paths. I have 3 options to pursue.
I realized and I feel I need more formal disipline and instruction in my path. My city lacks a lot.
Thus far I contacted An OBOD druidic order, a gurdjieff study group, and a Psychics Unite group at a Unitarian church 2x a month which looks like has courses on topics such as Shamanism and Astrology.
I visited some metaphysical stores to get some stones for ritual and crystal magic.
I got an obsidian bracelet for grounding and self disipline, some Strawberry Quartz and Rose Quartz for self love, some carnelian for confidence and another type of obsidian for ancestor worship.
I know it's an unconventional spiritual path, but the Psychics Unite group I'm incorporating on my path because I feel like I haven't really fit into a more conventional path. I'm kind of having doubts on my career goals and if they are feasible and although I may not become rich, I think because I want to do something of a spiritual nature, being a professional psychic is an option I want to keep open as a future goal if a conventional path isn't feasible.
