@FireBorn I'm curious about the way you understand the process if you are willing to share
Sure man. Caveat here, Lilith was initiating me directly at the time. I had no idea I was going to cross the Abyss until afterwards. I didn't get a chance to prep or research the dogshit out of it first. And I am so grateful for that.
For me, the crossing was the easy part. People make the Abyss into this massive, mythical, terrifying ordeal. Good. Let them.
The actual crossing was fast for me, at least in mundane time (like 15-20 minutes tops). Inside it, everything was a blur. Not monsters, not cosmic battles, none of the Reddit fanfic nonsense. It was like wind. A rushing blur. And as I moved through it, pieces of me melted away. Parts of myself I thought I was. Parts I wanted to be. Parts I hated, parts I loved, parts I feared anyone ever seeing. All of it stripped.
Coming out was where the ordeal actually began.
In there, the stripping away was spiritual. But when I returned to the mundane world, the impact hit differently. All those “parts” that burned off were just masks. And I was left without any of them. Naked. Vulnerable. Not
I told someone a secret vulnerable, soul‑level, no‑place‑left-to-hide vulnerable.
The masks were still there on the floor. I could’ve picked them up again. But I would’ve known forever they were only masks. Not me. Fuck man that feeling is wild. Knowing and I will never NOT know.
In truth, I ended up a heap on the floor of my kitchen. Couldn’t breathe from crying. Hours of it. All the hidden pieces of myself I’d ignored, denied, or smothered, suddenly laid bare. Horrifying. Humbling. And I couldn’t believe how long I lived my life mostly hiding from myself.
And whoever tells you that you “kill your ego” in the Abyss? They’re full of shit. They didn’t cross it. You don’t “annihilate the ego, bro.” Try that and you’ll fracture your psyche.
I met my ego face to face. I was terrified for a minute. But I didn’t attack it. Didn’t challenge it. I realized it had fought for me when no one else did. It showed up my whole life when no one else did. This whole idea of the ego being the villain comes from people who never faced their own.
So I sat with him. I thanked him. Through tears, with love and respect. Because he was me.
And the real crucible? It’s not the crossing. Crossing gets the fanfare. The real crucible is everything
after, the days, weeks, months of learning to live without the old masks. Integrating shadow. Making peace with the parts of me I had abandoned without letting them drive the bus. Letting the ego exist without letting it run the show. That’s integration.
This is a lifelong process. No one integrates everything. We just keep going.
About a month after my crossing, I wondered whether I’d ever have to go back, whether it was one-and-done. I can see a need to cross again someday, to face and integrate what was missed. I can’t imagine anyone doing it all in one go. At least that's what I think in hindsight.
Like I said at the beginning, I didn't prep, or read about the Abyss. I'm glad I didn't. I hear the wildest shit about it. Going in blind was the best way for ME. I couldn't 'outsmart' the process, I couldn't shortcut the process. Lilith knows me and knew what she was doing just taking me to the gate without announcement. I will forever be grateful for her tough love.
Then again, that’s just my experience. I don’t know what it will be like for others.
If you are on the precipice of this journey
do it. Just do it. Don’t hesitate.
Do it. It’s one of the best things I’ve done in all my occult work so far.
My magick exploded in the best ways. My energy is better. My rituals rarely fall flat. I am more
me than I have ever been
on fucking purpose, these days. My view of magick, spirits, everything… it changed dramatically. The shift was tectonic.
Yes, it was rough. Yes, it was painful. Yes, so many parts of me died.
Isn’t that the point? Magick
is dying over and over again. Letting what is false fall away.
In my opinion, this is the one event that separates you from most occultists. This puts
skin in the game. This is the real deal. And it fucking matters.
Do it. Don’t just read about it. Don’t intellectualize it. Just fucking do it. Don’t cheat yourself out of this life-changing opportunity. I promise, you will never be the same. And I was
shocked by how many don’t.
This was my experience. Is it the
right experience? I don’t know. Will it be the same for you? Again, I don’t know.
YMMV.
Sorry for such a long post, this was tougher to write about than I thought. So much comes back. Hard to condense it into a small post like this. Hopefully I captured the most salient points.
