Journal Rebirth of Primal

[Primal]

Instead of endless begging for forgiveness through prayers, I shall use meditation and bibliomancy to develop real relationship to the archetype of Christ, as equals.

Post automatically merged: Feb 9, 2026

Some say - clean house, clean mind. It makes so much sense. Just a little bit of rearranging things around the house clears up my mind. Instead of listening to music, I started listening to educational podcasts and videos. Every minute counts!

Post automatically merged: Feb 9, 2026

5 am club, here I come! Being productive is important.

 

[Primal]

Self-control is going well. No masturbation, even. No overeating. I have a busy schedule, so I really have to get up early. Bibliomancy is going great, too. God responds to my questions. It is possible to communicate with Jesus through it. I pray, and I'll start fasting soon. I have social anxiety, and I do everything to overcome it, too.

My daily plans:
Socialise
Work
Learn the necessary things for my work
Clean the house every day
I got some advice from the Bible to start bathing more often to get rid of the negative energy, and allow God into my life
Put things back in their place.
Cleansing the house daily
Getting up early
Cut the time spent on doomscrolling
Learning how to cook

 

[Primal]

Getting up at 5 am is too ambitious for me. There are house members awake at that time, so the time after midnight is my time for self-reflection and prayers.

Post automatically merged: Feb 12, 2026

Bibliomancy gives concrete and clear answers so far. I studied secondary progressions and solar returns in detail today.

Post automatically merged: Feb 12, 2026

Tarot is not resonating with me, but the Major Arcanas are used in the Matrix of Destiny. I never felt connected to the Tarot. Rarely. Astrology, on the other hand, is fascinating, and I understand her well. So as the Matrix of Destiny. I am a newbie at numerology.

 

[Suayakoat]

I shall be honest with you, so, please, either take this advice seriously or leave it altogether.

You look like seriously messed up person, sorry to say it so directly. But also someone with great potential. This reminds me of me when I was somewhat younger, so I think I can feel for you. This is why I want to give a piece of advice. Instead of getting lost in the books and mixing all things together concentrate on one thing only. Whatever works for you best. Pick it yourself and follow its path only, at least until you get a hold of yourself.

Then, as far as the gods and goddesses are concerned I would withdraw from them temporarily and concentrate on inner work only. Don't try to communicate with anyone, even with Christ, and even when they butt in your consciousness uninvited. Instead I will recommend you do meditation only-meaning empty your head out of any thought and only when you have spend some time in this state try to find out that which you think is the most important thing in your life and get a hold of it. It should help with the directionless emotion and the anxiety. And finally, the best I think I can recommend, is for you to try piecing back together your raison d'etre for being in this world. Find out who you are, what can you do and why are you here for real. I think that is the best advice anyone can give you. Only when you have managed to piece it all together and have a clear idea of your place and your journey you can proceed.

P.S. If I were you I will temporarily stop with the astrology and numerology and all that stuff where you try to read fate externally. I would rather concentrate on the internal, on the spiritual, contact with myself and will try to get deeper into my own subconscious to find the answers to these questions. Try concentrating to uncover your previous lives, and if possible future ones, try answering, from the heart, the great questions of life-who you are and why are you here, try meditating upon past trauma and the reasons you think fate had to put you through it. If visions are unlocked try following them till your concentration runs out but if not don't go to drugs to unlock them. Get as much understanding of yourself as you can without reading any external sources like astrology or numerology and only when you have managed to figure things out for yourself in that way hit the books and look at what the matrix tells you about yourself. The idea is to build up secure foundation of internal believes first and only then go to what people are recommending. That is how I myself dig out me from my misery once (upon a time). May be it will help you out, too?

 

[Primal]

I shall be honest with you, so, please, either take this advice seriously or leave it altogether.

You look like seriously messed up person, sorry to say it so directly. But also someone with great potential. This reminds me of me when I was somewhat younger, so I think I can feel for you. This is why I want to give a piece of advice. Instead of getting lost in the books and mixing all things together concentrate on one thing only. Whatever works for you best. Pick it yourself and follow its path only, at least until you get a hold of yourself.

Then, as far as the gods and goddesses are concerned I would withdraw from them temporarily and concentrate on inner work only. Don't try to communicate with anyone, even with Christ, and even when they butt in your consciousness uninvited. Instead I will recommend you do meditation only-meaning empty your head out of any thought and only when you have spend some time in this state try to find out that which you think is the most important thing in your life and get a hold of it. It should help with the directionless emotion and the anxiety. And finally, the best I think I can recommend, is for you to try piecing back together your raison d'etre for being in this world. Find out who you are, what can you do and why are you here for real. I think that is the best advice anyone can give you. Only when you have managed to piece it all together and have a clear idea of your place and your journey you can proceed.

P.S. If I were you I will temporarily stop with the astrology and numerology and all that stuff where you try to read fate externally. I would rather concentrate on the internal, on the spiritual, contact with myself and will try to get deeper into my own subconscious to find the answers to these questions. Try concentrating to uncover your previous lives, and if possible future ones, try answering, from the heart, the great questions of life-who you are and why are you here, try meditating upon past trauma and the reasons you think fate had to put you through it. If visions are unlocked try following them till your concentration runs out but if not don't go to drugs to unlock them. Get as much understanding of yourself as you can without reading any external sources like astrology or numerology and only when you have managed to figure things out for yourself in that way hit the books and look at what the matrix tells you about yourself. The idea is to build up secure foundation of internal believes first and only then go to what people are recommending. That is how I myself dig out me from my misery once (upon a time). May be it will help you out, too?

I always appreciate honesty! The fact is, that I never have done any of the inner work, ever, for the past 34 years of my life, and now I am overwhelmed with the visions I am receiving, insights about myself, the need to do and learn all of this at once that might help me, and discovering my unused abilities... So overwhelming. Like a flood in the past 2 years of my life. So I feel so lost... I am grateful that this forum is open even for newbies like me, with diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, social anxiety and bipolar disorder, that makes things harder for me. Your advice is great, actually. So simple, but yet great. The reason I am lost is because it seems to me that I don't have that much time left on this earth. So I am grasping everything I can. But, obviously, this messes me up more. I realise this myself too. Maybe I shouldn't learn everything, maybe I am not here on this Earth for that.

My ultimate goal is to be at peace with myself, following the path I find that is right for me, to stay away from external validation I am prone to. Maybe magick isn't my path at all. I love the inner work needed to practice it more than magick itself, actually.

Thank you so much for your advice, I appreciate it.

 

[Suayakoat]

You really remind me of me when I was younger, he-he I was so overwhelmed by visions, memories of past lives, contacts with spirits and the desire to soak up like sponge everything I read, too. It was such a burden to my life as well that I can 100% understand how you feel. In the end when my family sent me to the doctors they told me schizophrenia and were quick to dismiss all I have seen and remembered as mere hallucinations. Such a bunch of idiots! Don't trust doctors, they can never understand what you are going through. They only know how to dismiss and medicate. That is why satan has put them in their position of power. Trust you own compass instead and learn how to dismiss spirits-which ones are here to help you and which ones are here to harm you. But most of all learn who you are. That is the best advise anyone can give you.

I fixed myself whenever I found the answers to the big questions-who am I and why am I here. That knowledge can set you free. Truly really free. You must find it if you want to escape that trap you have been put into by darkness. I believe evil spirits are on the hunt for us-spiritual people-since they fear us. We are the ones who can end their reign and liberate this world. So, they strike at us instead first. May be that is what has happened to you, too. So, watch out and protect yourself. This is why I'm telling you to get to know yourself. That is the best protection you would ever get from them. That knowledge will show you the keys to defeat them. But in order to get it you must first learn how to get calm-like a stone, like a mountain, still in your mind and actions. This is why I seriously recommend meditation. It means learning the art to completely empty your mind and remain in this state for as long as you can. That must be the foundation to step on. It should also relieve your anxiety and give you focus. Then, you go to the more serious inner work. Learn how to connect with yourself-how to pull off pieces of information from your subconsciousness. How to be in oneness with the Universe. Even how to reach God. These practices should let you uncover the truth about who you are and why are you here. Only then turn to the books and rituals. When you have a piece of mind and a solid foundation built in your Soul. That is what I advice you to do. Whether you will take it or leave it is entirely up to you.

 

[Primal]

I have used speed, cocaine, and weed for a year, did divination daily (Tarot), and that triggered my subconscious mind deeply. Imagine if I had used LSD... I ended up in the psych ward for 60 days after that. Hallucinations. Strong ones. I've seen things. This changed me. I've seen so much. I am not using it anymore, nor do I plan to. I don't even smoke cigarettes now. Two years clean. Just on meds prescribed by the psychiatrist. It proves that my will is strong, at least. I even showered in ice-cold water once to prove to myself that I can handle anything. Being homeless. Because of the drugs and other reckless spending, I am in huge debt. I am not homeless, luckily. I got back to my parents' house, and I am glad they took me back. I promised to get off drugs and alcohol, and I did so.

I honor the things I learned from my hallucinations. They weren't bad at all. I just got paranoid once, but it passed quickly. Those visions awakened the desire to work on myself.

Post automatically merged: Feb 16, 2026

I hope this isn't against the rules, because I don't recommend it to anyone. Don't do this, know things without it.

 

[Primal]

I am so embarrassed to write

Here are my redefined goals (look, an order from the unpredictable one)

1) finish all unfinished tasks
2) sort out the priorities of things I have to learn and do
3)set some realistic goals for the future, and doing them, day by day, piece by piece
4) practice meditation, grounding and centering daily
5) trying to figure out who am I in the process without any book or tool.

There are some things that should stay in my personal journal, so I won't be writing (about my daily progress).I'll write when I get measurable results. (after a month of working on my goals)

I won't bore you with my mundane goals, just with spiritual ones. (What I have achieved in that area).

I've revoked some of the effects of the old rituals I have done, so it is easier to breathe now.

 

[Primal]

I have spent 11 years since I graduated from law school. for nothing. Choosing to be lazy and in endless, pointless multitasking...Didn't even attempt to pass the Bar exam. I have fulfilled all the requirements, volunteered in a court of law for two years, for no pay. Choosing to be on the strongest medications there are in psychiatry, instead of just...becoming me... No regrets. There is no hope for a better past.

I've learned that the rarest resource in our lives is time. We have only 4000 weeks until the age of 80. Never forget that. Am I living for myself or the others? I feel like I am going to leave this world soon. Don't know why. And what have I done? Nothing. No point in accumulating knowledge. I have to become myself, in harmony with the Universe. Since I know what my goal is, I must go towards it. I am unable to love. I am unable to cry. Endless emptiness. Attention wh'ring. Becoming myself and standing up for myself takes courage and responsibility.

I still have a blank stare when asked who I am. I don't know. Nobody has to answer that question for me. They see what they see.

Studied for so long, many subjects, but I barely scratched the surface. It's okay. I forgive myself. I am tabula rasa, again. I put myself first. And that's it.

This is my last random update. My next update is scheduled for March 26, 2026. Until then, I won't write anything in my diary. I'll come here with measurable results.

Goals:
1) finish all unfinished tasks
2) sort out the priorities of things I have to learn and do
3) Set some realistic goals for the future, and do them, day by day, piece by piece
4) practice meditation, grounding, and centering daily
5) trying to figure out who I am in the process without any book or tool.

I have sorted out my priorities in this order: business English, astrology, destiny matrix, and the BAR exam. One by one until everything is completed. I have this tendency to do all the things at once. Time is a valuable resource, so no time for multitasking.

Self-care - fasting, meditation, journaling, walking, working out, dieting to lose weight

This is my public shaming. I am retiring from any social media, including this forum, until March 26th. Starting from now.

 

[Primal]

13 days early...I write because I need help.

Here is my update on my goals

The only thing I did is some meditation, journaling and a lot of learning. My total focus is on astrology (I am planning to do paid readings for extra money) I gave up on other goals, as they are too ambitious.

Conclusion - I need to be more organized and to simplify things. I can't do everything.

Here is this weird thing that happened. I was meditating yesterday and a being approached to me. I don't know why. I felt it was a demon. I was scared, but he calmed me down. Like he was teaching me how to be brave. The fear wanished. As the meditation continued I felt like we are one. A complete person. I think that this "demon" is my own true self, my strength and confidence, regained through meditation. We have to become one through meditation and surrender. Some type of possession.

Any ideas of what this means?

 

[Ohana]

Okay. This might mean what you said. Its a manifestion of yourself or it moght be something else.

In either case if that entity approaches you again ask who it is. If its part of yourself then this can help you find out which part. If its not then it'll let you know what motivates this spirit from any information it gives out.

Always having information about who or what you allow into your mind is a good practice. Even if it is technically a part of yourself. Its a part you might not know.

If it hesitates to answer or doesn't want to answer or some other third thing. Then making a thread about this expierence on the occult q&a will probably be helpful for this. I'm always as you put it a 'noob' so I can only offer so much.

Post automatically merged: Mar 13, 2026

I also think should be a little cautious and to not forget to take breaks. Grounding practices or even just listening to music you enjoy can go a long way to maintaining sustainable growth.

 

[Primal]

Thank you, Ohana

Through meditation, important questions come on their own.

I'll include daily meditation in my schedule. It has to be regular.
At least for five minutes when I am alone. I get help from people showing up in my life and lessons the universe sends to me, little synchronicities. But the path is mine. Step by step.

I have to overcome laziness.

Goals for the next month

1. Learning astrology in depth
2. Learning the Destiny Matrix in depth
3. Promoting myself on social media
4. Doing paid readings
5. Doing chores regularly

Self-care:

1. Daily meditation
2. Journaling
3. Learning how to protect my energy
4. Taking care of my health

Next update - 21 April.

 

[Primal]

I have decided to leave spirituality for another time. I am focusing on the practical side of life. So, my physical and mental health, the Bar exam, and everyday tasks are my priority. So, I'll just read what you write, but I won't participate. Hugs for all of you from me.

 

[Primal]

I am so lazy it's tragic.If it requires effort and no pain no gain, I'm out. Except for learning about divination and Christianity, no progress. The time blindness I have is tragic - all this time wasted on doom scrolling...Now that I know all of this, I'll pay yearly subscription to become a Benefactor when I finish reading books I already have, and actually start doing something with my life.

 

[Suayakoat]

If I were you I wouldn't worry as much about my phone and the doom scrolling on it and would instead concentrate on the inner and shadow work. You seem like a person who, most of all, needs concentration and some tangible goals. When you set them just keep them. That is the best advice I can give to anyone in your situation, no matter how lame or hard it sounds.

P.S.: We have all struggled with unmet expectations-the trick is to not give up after you have become disappointed with yourself. Screwing everything is easy. But success comes only when you learn the truth about yourself and just push through no matter what.

 

[Primal]

With every day, goals shift. I'm working towards obtaining several Udemy certificates (not recognised as some other courses, but it is something)
(studying Astrology, Destiny Matrix, the Tarot, and Numerology).

I like my day structured, with well-established routines and goals set.

Bought the original Tarot deck. It comes with the book written by Rider Waite himself.

In the Serbian Orthodox Church, there are patron saints for a variety of problems. When you pray to them for specific problems, it is similar to searching for help from demons or other pagan deities. Very similar. There are even miraculous icons, and we pray to them (forget what the church says; they DO worship the icons, there are holidays dedicated to them, even), and they DO worship the Virgin Mary. This is interesting. I use this in my practice. Praying until my wishes are granted.

Structure of a prayer to the saints

• Praise to them and their way of living while they were on Earth.
• Then prayers for your specific problem.

We rely on the experience of the Holy Fathers of the church and their interpretation of the Bible. As for me, I would be lost without a well-established system. Relying on myself for now is terrifying. So at least I have a structure and a plan now. I am onto it for a while.

I have a personal diary and a Tarot journal too. Tracking my progress in self mastery.

 

[Primal]

Since I have read some of my journal entries, here is the pattern - planning, ambitious goals, indecisiveness, giving up. Here is an one thing only - how to master time management and organize my life. I think that would be the best. Without putting too much pressure onto myself. I have complete time blindness and I am generally slow in everything I do. To solve that problem first would be great.

I was meditating yesterday and my healing abilities awakened and I saw that I should not have met my so called twin flame, because she is too dark, and I am not. And I feel that my abilities are not my own. I must surrender in order to master them. But the question is - to whom? When it became difficult I stopped meditating. So many repressed feelings emerged. I have to meditate to
the end, to unity with that part of myself.

Hm. That part of me is subconscious mind called Lucifer for some reason. Why him I do not know. I worship no one at this point. I have a feeling that, when I finish self knowing and find out the truth, my own truth, I'll die, as this is my last incarnation.

Post automatically merged: Tuesday at 8:51 PM

The hanged man explained - to surrender in order to rule over myself. I was doing reading on who should I "serve" and I pulled out The hanged man in the position of the future.

 

[Suayakoat]

I was at exactly the same position you explained a few years ago @Primal - surrounded by negative intention, unable to balance tasks (for me it was work and education) and with unclear vision for the future. Does that sound familiar to you? What broke it all for me however was resolve. The resolve I found when trying to follow my Soul's true desire. I think what you need is precisely that-find out what your Soul truly desires-what is that true will of Yourself before all others and organize your life around it. If it is your true will at work, I think, you would never suffer from lack of ambition or desire for the thing you must do. As someone who has been into this state of noncompliance between his desires and reality that is the best advice I can give you.

 

[Primal]

Thank you @Suayakoat for the advice I am now on a path of discovery of what I wanna do with my life and myself., not just organization. And now you write about it. Synchronicities! I am reading book about how we are finite being and it made me wander...What am I supposed to do? What should I live for, what to experience?

 

[Suayakoat]

I feel only you know the answer @Primal . Look deep into yourself and find it out. Nobody else can do that for you and nobody should. Only you yourself should hold the rudder of your own life and live it by your own rules. Don't let anyone mess up with that decision. That's the best advice anyone can give you.

P.S. I'm glad there are synchronicities between me and others trying to advice you on the best path you could take. For me it's an evidence the Universe is working in your direction. Keep up the good work.